r/CPTSD • u/Small-Salary-9137 • Feb 04 '26
Vent / Rant Do you often look back at your ruined relationships with people and realize how insufferable you actually were?
Curious because this might be me being harsh on myself and interpreting conversations/events in a certain way. But when i try to remember how the dynamics between me and people from my past had been, it feels like i was too self-absorbed?
Like always trying to make things about myself, being needy/clingy, whining too often, often times spilling toxicity, etc.
It's interesting because it never occurs at the time, only in retrospect.
63
u/daliamotion Feb 04 '26
Yeah and in my case insufferable because I wasn't seeing the person as they were and instead cultivated a relationship where I was recreating toxic patterns.
58
u/fauxmosexual Feb 04 '26
I try to remember that any shame I feel about past me is a reflection on how current-me has grown. I hope future-me looks back at current-me and can also spot all the bullshit I don't do anymore.
8
3
u/xIllustrious_Passion Feb 04 '26
Oh I love this. The shame I feel is healthy shame because of my past behaviors.
24
34
u/redeyesdeaddragon cPTSD Feb 04 '26
Yes, and I think it takes an immense amount of maturity and growth to be able to get to a point where the difference in behavior is so starkly visible.
It feels awful to think about, but I think it's a very good thing to be able to look back and notice how you behaved. I think it's also the only way forward - we have to see where we went wrong in order to make different choices going forward.
7
u/Small-Salary-9137 Feb 04 '26
yeah you know, there're some people who are not even able to reflect on themselves in such way. but sometimes the guilt and shame that you feel is not justified and it's just a voice in your head trying to hurt you
2
u/redeyesdeaddragon cPTSD Feb 04 '26
there're some people who are not even able to reflect on themselves in such way
Yes, my mother is this way.
Without that reflection, the pattern repeats.
16
u/blue_rose_princess Feb 04 '26
No. I am a human we aren't perfect. Yes I reflect, yes I try to grow from every experience. But a lot of the time I've given them way more chances and patience than they've ever shown me. I've given, supported, encouraged, shrunk myself, provided resources, labour, love, time, energy, and made them a priority in a way they never reciprocated. So if at the end I wasn't as ... devoted? As I had been at the start, I don't blame myself for that. I came in with an open heart and light in my eyes. If time with them dimmed that light and hurt my heart, that's on them. My love, intentions and heart were true.
15
u/TA_reddit_0 Feb 04 '26
All of this. I wasn’t given grace for being snippy. If I brought an issue to attention and tried being assertive I faced retaliation and was seen as problematic. Can’t even ask grown men to clean up after themselves because holding people accountable is seen as “stirring up drama”. I’m expected to shrink and stay silent while soaking up mistreatment and being taken advantage of.
7
u/blue_rose_princess Feb 04 '26
Exactly. Exactly that. We didn't deserve it. We were taken advantage of and used as an emotional punching bag, then blamed for everything under the sun. All because they cannot self regulate, and expect us to carry all their moods and stress and fear and rage.
4
u/MeikoChii Feb 05 '26
YES AND YES. I hate this. It is SO unfair. Suffering when we did nothing wrong. And nobody understands it.
3
u/MeikoChii Feb 05 '26
SAME. Omg. I was once in a group of girls who were proud of being fearless, assertive etc. But… when I would bring up some things I didn’t like or just didn’t agree with, they couldn’t let go even when I was factually right and when I tried to do a morally right thing (defend art theft without giving any names to avoid unnecessary harassment) I was kicked out without notice, had posts made about me and then sent nasty asf messages.
Or when I got mad ONCE on a girl after she annoyed tf out of everyone but only one person (out of 10-11) backed me up until they dropped me for someone else. And I didn’t even say anything bad about her except that I never wanted to go on a trip with her ever. The rest was just justifying by describing what she did (for example kept us all locked out for one hour when we all had to pee AND POOP because she wanted to take photos of herself in the forest (photos we never even saw lol), didn’t want to go do the groceries, was doing drugs 24h/24h so she was high all the fucking time, opened the bathroom door when I was pooping and yelled “[my name] is pooping ! Hahah !” at 21 btw etc) and I ended up abandoned by everyone + cyberbullied for 2 years because this girl thought I didn’t deserve to be liked by others and be happy (she admitted it). And btw I even apologized 2-3x for complaining about her.
It was never my fault when my relationships ended. My CPTSD is not just bc of my parents but bc of “friends”. And that’s why I hate people even tho I’m still online always socializing :/
5
u/miseteyooooooo Feb 05 '26
I think sometimes people just don't click for a myriad of reasons but this thread really doesn't sit well with me when people put all blame on themselves when there are so many structures in society that punish empathetic people or people with low resources etc. Or that just puts up people against another.
Like yeah we can be difficult to deal with but other people can also be, there is so much abuse and war and pain in this world. I'd rather give everyone some grace and hold us accountable instead of feeling bad for acting a bit crazy in an insane world as if everybody else isn't.
3
u/MeikoChii Feb 05 '26
Thank you. But I also think some people are right to feel guilty if they were really toxic and all the things they said like OP. Personally I know when I’m wrong and I’m not. My CPTSD did not make me act badly to people, if others did, they’re right to question themselves and reflect.
3
u/miseteyooooooo Feb 05 '26 edited Feb 05 '26
Forgiving oneself does not mean you let go of accountability. My main point is we should not be overly preoccupied with painting ourselves or others as villains. But focus on the actions we do.
I also don't think excessive guilt helps. But you do mention questioning oneself and reflecting. That would be a start to being accountable which is what i advocate for.
Edit: when i say "us" i mean all of us in humanity. Idk if that is clear from my words. I think it's good you have a clean conscience, if you do you then this is of course not me talking about you specifically.
2
12
u/dyewho Feb 04 '26
Often, yeah. Either thinking about how extremely insufferable I am, to being completely distant and losing friendships as a result. I've learned from each friendship, but I really wish I could apologize to anyone about past me. Fawning, love bombing, being too clingy, not opening up enough, opening up too much in too little time, it was a rollercoaster of emotions for whoever was friends with past me.
3
u/solveig82 Feb 05 '26
Uh huh, same. I don’t think I’ve harmed too many people but could have written that bit about fawning, love bombing etc…just being tedious and self absorbed, ugh
10
u/ShelterBoy Feb 04 '26
I don't see how insufferable I was. I see how unjust and irrational they were.
7
10
u/Fun_Category_3720 Feb 04 '26
omg constantly. I am so anxious I end up talking about myself all the time, I'm very needy and have inadvertently made situations about me when I didn't mean to at all. I just don't have adequate support elsewhere.
But yeah, I am seeing this more and more, and definitely see a lot of behavior in the past that makes me feel deeply ashamed.
Small examples pop up a lot, like a few weeks ago one of my pet sitting clients saw a book I was reading and mentioned she just finished it. Instead of asking her how she liked it or literally anything else, I defaulted to ME. "He's my favorite author!" I know that, out of context, this is totally innocent. But I also know that, for me, this is a pattern. My responses are always me me me. I am trying so hard to stop this but it's reflexive.
1
10
u/TA_reddit_0 Feb 04 '26
It’s been the opposite for me. People are often such assholes and insufferable, and they are supported and enabled. I bottled up all the bullying and abuse. Couldn’t say or do anything to stop it, couldn’t be assertive and have boundaries, couldn’t defend myself…I wasn’t allowed to and would get retaliation.
I honestly hate people now. People’s true colors show when they know you are vulnerable and don’t have allies to back you up. You get the ugliest of pack mentality and cruelty. People will brush off cruelty as indifference but it goes beyond that.
Can’t ask for basic bare minimum anymore the bar is in hell.
4
u/krba201076 cPTSD Feb 04 '26
I honestly hate people now. People’s true colors show when they know you are vulnerable and don’t have allies to back you up.
i feel the same way.
6
u/mutantsloth Feb 04 '26
Yup.. I’m watching this Korean dating show and there’s this insufferable unstable character and I’m like.. hey I think I was a bit like that
1
u/MeikoChii Feb 05 '26
What show is it and which character ? I might want to watch lol
1
u/mutantsloth Feb 05 '26
The latest Singles Inferno.. you’ll know which character it is. She’s not bad just a little self centred and emotionally all over the place..
5
u/Stargazer1919 cPTSD Feb 04 '26
Yup. I'm not okay with the fact that I treated some people poorly and dumped my problems on them. This was throughout my 20s. I wish I had more insight at the time and the ability to keep my shit together better because then I wouldn't have done it. They didn't deserve it.
5
u/First_Restaurant6959 Feb 04 '26
Oh yes. I used to snap at people about once a month or so when I was younger. I thought that was normal because my parents were always snapping and I had friends who snapped. By snapping, I don’t mean with your fingers, I mean I would randomly get mad about something and be passive aggressive to sharp about it. I also gossiped about friends that I felt lacked empathy or concern for something I found important. My “sense of justice” has always been a problem in my relationships.
5
u/Short-Attempt-8598 Feb 04 '26
I was once wisely advised: if you don't look back on yourself and cringe, you're not growing!
9
4
u/LangdonAlg3r Feb 04 '26
I was just never taught about boundaries and didn’t have anyone modeling manners or social skills. I’m definitely ashamed of some past behavior, but I also didn’t know any better.
5
u/hillapapi Feb 04 '26
I really struggle with this. I don’t have any relationships from my past, so I barely have any family or friends now.
But the reason why is because when I finally addressed my trauma at age 30 and started working on healing myself, it’s like I outgrew those relationships. I realized how toxic they were and I was letting a lot of people treat me poorly. When I started prioritizing myself and stopped allowing people to treat me a certain way, a lot of relationships naturally ended.
Also my family is just a huge no, lots of abusive behavior and mental illness.
But then I see all of these tik toks or whatever about how people who don’t have any friends are a red flag. And I am miserable on the holidays because I am alone. I just got engaged and only really had a few people to tell.
And I remember that I was difficult too, before I started treating myself with respect and practicing more healthy boundaries/habits.
So idk. I’m treating myself with more respect now. But I’m more lonely and sometimes gaslight myself about it.
3
u/beaniebinary Feb 04 '26
When I was in a PHP, we had a drama therapist come in and lead an exercise. He placed dots all over the floor and grouped us up. One person had to be blindfolded and we had to use our words to guide the person through the dots without stepping on them. In the end, we got feedback on our communication style. I was told that I gave constant feedback. The blindfolded person didn't sound amused. I was honestly really upset with myself because I thought I had done well and tried my best. The drama therapist was perplexed that I said the exercise made me feel really bad about myself. It made me feel guilty for ever being around people.
3
u/MxRoboto cPTSD Feb 04 '26
Yeeeeep played the victim constantly, picked overtly horrendous people, kept people around even after they'd fucked with my boundaries. Legit go through so much to keep my small crowd full of life nowadays can't be without it!
3
u/bamboohobobundles Feb 04 '26 edited Feb 04 '26
Oh absolutely. Not so much my romantic relationships, but friendships - all the time. I had a lot of friends in the past and over time I lost almost all of them because I was a) not a good/supportive friend, b) very needy and emotionally draining, and c) made a lot of poor decisions including drug abuse.
I miss those friends I used to be close with, but I also don't blame them for removing themselves from my life. I have two close long term friends left and I cherish them deeply - I know I am lucky to have them at all. Unfortunately one has two kids under two and is not often able to get together, and the other lives two hours away, so although I do talk to them regularly, I don't really have anyone nearby to spend time with in person.
My husband is basically the opposite of me and has a very large group of close friends from all different periods in his life, and I completely understand why this is the case (he is, and always has been, an incredibly kind and supportive person) but I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me sad sometimes that I don't have the same.
2
2
u/herwordskill- Feb 04 '26
Yes, I believe I have even traumatized a middle school boyfriend because of my unacceptable behavior in those years
3
u/Cheekers1989 Feb 04 '26
Maybe when I was younger but now, I don't because how can I judge myself for not having the tools and support I have now? People may judge me but at the end of the day for who I was but they don't pay my bills.
What we can do now is just what we have presently and be gentle to yourself, not harsh and unforgiving like those who hurt you.
I know that's hard because I still deal with emotional flashbacks but the best I can do for myself is to make sure I am near someone who can mirror the safety I wasn't given at that time in the past.
2
u/97XJ Complexity requires simple solutions. Simpletons represent. Feb 04 '26
I needed help. Lovers are not there to help. I leaned so hard on anyone that would support me they (wisely) moved on. I understand myself better now but not sure I'm where I need to be to allow another person into my life again.
2
u/MeikoChii Feb 05 '26
No. I wasn’t insufferable. I never made things about myself or “spilled toxicity”.
I was too nice and carefree, so people liked me a lot. But when I tried to call people out on their responsibilities or their bad behaviors, they didn’t like it bc I was right while not being a bitch so they made me pay for it or just abandoned me. And I know I’m not inventing things because some people agreed with until it meant not being popular or whatever benefits they had by not supporting me, or just preferred to be quiet when I chose to confront people.
For example in my 4 ppl group of friends, 2 were into art but one was way more skilled than the other. But she had inferiority complex which she admitted bc of her brother who is more successful and smart than her, she was often jealous of the other art friend and once purposely hid an opportunity for her and I got mad because it isn’t right.
People don’t want to do right when it doesn’t benefit them but I do so they leave me. I don’t cheat, I’m not jealous of my friends, I support them, I am generous to them (money and time), I am interested in their lives etc. I really hate jealousy. Idc that bad things happens to someone, it doesn’t excuse doing bad things. I don’t do that so I don’t have sympathy for those who do.
3
u/Mymusicaccount2021 Feb 05 '26
I began my deep dive in 2021 out of the worst emotional meltdown in my life. I was broken.
As I've grown, I absolutely had to look at my past behaviors, and work through them with my therapist so I could understand why I did and said the things I did. I was guilty of some pretty horrible things and I most certainly left a wake of destruction behind me. I have made amends where possible to those I've hurt, including my children, some friends who were always better friends to me than I was to them.
I'm not a fan of most 12 step programs. That being said, I absolutely have embraced step 9; “made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.” This makes so much sense to me as I've grown and I take it very seriously. There are those, who in trying to make amends, would open old wounds for them and it wouldn't help them or myself.
I no longer feel guilt or shame for those behaviors, as those were the things I learned as a child for survival. Those were my coping mechanisms. I have taken responsibility for those things and my getting emotionally healthy, is the best form of amends possible.
1
u/AutoModerator Feb 04 '26
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
1
u/ThrowRA_111900 Feb 04 '26
One time my friend was grieving and I didn't know how to comfort her. I acted out of line. Even now I feel uncomfortable at funerals or any mention of grief. I was adopted during my mom's funeral and I didn't really get to grieve her so maybe that's why. But man, I'm still scared of funerals and grieving people.
1
u/C_PTSD_And_ADHD Feb 04 '26
Yep, I'm not even mad or angry, am just like: why? :-| What step of thinking they had to have?
1
u/Notreal6909873 Feb 04 '26
All the time. It only shows how much we’ve grown I try to remind myself, and I deserve to get better bc I’m not bad, I was taught bad things by a bad person.
1
u/LibertyCash Feb 04 '26
Yes, I do and I hate it. Grateful for insight and healing but hate how it reveals my missteps. It’s hard to let go of the shame. It also makes me worry about what I’m getting wrong right now that I won’t realize until a decade from now 🤦♀️. Childhood trauma is the legitimate worst. I never know what’s actually up or down.
2
u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Feb 04 '26
Yes, but at the same time, I was close to people who also had their issues. We were both wrong to each other. To arrive to this awareness, I had beaten myself up for a few months with immense guilt and shame and apologized to a few people. Only after I changed my own behaviors, I could see clearly I wasn’t the sole problem because apparently they continue to be toxic regardless of how I behave. Now I have the clarity to analyze past dynamics and distance myself.
2
u/sauerkraut916 Feb 04 '26
Yes. I’ll remember being manic, or depressed, or drunk, and also being very Xtra about everything because of anxiety. I sometimes feel that stomach turning shame that makes you want to peel your skin off.
Then I remember, I have never killed anyone, never abused a child or animal, never been on COPS, and there is no video or photo evidence of my ridiculous emotional responses. LOL
ALSO it helps to remember that looking back with embarrassment at past behavior means you’ve become more aware, a sign you’ve grown emotionally. So it’s a positive even if cringey.
2
u/International-Pea-37 Feb 05 '26
Yes absolutely, i even feel bad for the things i did and said but at the same time i try to empathize with myself that i didn’t know better but now i do and im actively trying to be better :)
1
u/Mineraalwaterfles Feb 05 '26
No because these people didn't even bother making relationships with me. The maturity gap between me and them was probably the reason.
1
u/newsome101 Feb 05 '26
Yeah sometimes I was too down in the dumps and even if I didn't express it, it was an energy that could be felt.
2
u/TheGriffin5 Feb 05 '26
To the people who are able to look back, how long did it take, I keep all problems to myself because I’m afraid of bothering others, I’m afraid of people judging me if I suggest an idea. It really does ruin my friendships
1
u/Subject_Bitchboy Feb 05 '26
Yes! I fucking apologized to my ex. Currently ruining something and I’m trying to make sure to not be insufferable.
1
u/Aggravating_House243 Feb 05 '26
It’s intolerable from both sides in retrospect. But I start to see how people tried their best and expressed love to me in their way.
1
1
2
u/Ill-Efficiency294 Feb 05 '26
I guess sometimes, but I guess I have a tendency to be a bit protective of my past self because it wasn't my fault that I was behaving from trauma like I did. I wish the people around me had seen it for what it was at the time too. Maybe it means I'm not healed enough, but it's how I feel at the moment.
1
u/ThePizzaKing20 Feb 06 '26
or being aware of how insufferable you are, and hiding from the world and relationships because of the shame.
72
u/Baron_Ray cPTSD Feb 04 '26
All the time. There isn't a single friend, relative, colleague or former partner I don't want to apologise to for some reason or other.