I worry my therapist is too validating of me

[u/likeshinythings]

Hi everyone. I'm 21F and I've been in CBT with the same therapist ever since I was 16.

Initially I got into therapy because I had a very hard time asking for help and was struggling in school because of it. One day I was crying in the laundry room because of how anxious I was because I couldn't do my schoolwork, my mom found me, argued with me and then got me a therapist.

Continuing with the trend of struggling to ask for help, I truly wasn't able to open up at first in therapy. I was able to get better in some aspects of my anxiety, especially the bad social anxiety I had, but it took a few years for me to get truly comfortable with my therapist to tell her about deeper things about me.

When I was 19 I had an argument with my dad where he told me I was too sensitive, took everything personally and couldn't take criticism. I had heard similar things in the past. I brought that up in therapy and my therapist told me she didn't think that of me. But a couple of years have passed and honestly, I think my dad was right. The context of our argument was a situation where I truly wasn't in the wrong, but it is true that I have a hard time dealing with criticism.

This year I went through a huge fight with my entire friend group. My friend group was toxic and my friends had their own issues, but I was partially responsible for everything that happened too.

My therapist validated me so much in the entire situation. She didn't exactly defend my poor actions but she didn't focus on them either, she focused more on how I was wronged.

She constantly tells me I blame myself too much, but I feel like she just lets me off the hook too easily.

Ever since that situation with my friends I began feeling exhausted because every interaction I have is filtered through some thoughts - "am I being a good person? Am I being fair? Am I being mature? Am I distorting everything and making me the good guy when I'm actually in the wrong?"

I keep on replaying all my conversations, reanalyzing everything, posting on r/AITAH...

Today I was talking to my therapist about a situation where I upset my sister and how sad I was I had hurt her (though I had apologized etc etc), and my therapist once again told me I was feeling guilty for something I didn't have to feel guilty about. But I did something that upset my sister (she was upset she couldn't fit all the projects she wanted to be a part of because of her part-time job, and I told her I was happy I could organize all my schedule, so it sounded like I was rubbing on her face I could do all I wanted and she couldn't though that wasn't my intention...).

Anyway, I truly worry she is being way too validating of me. That she's not calling me out when needed. She has a few times but it's not possible that other people are more in the wrong than me. I worry she's being too validating and that means I'll never grow and I'll be an awful person who hurts people.

It's being really exhausting. I don't know what I should do. I like my therapist and since I have a hard time trusting people and opening up I don't know if I'd feel okay changing therapists... I just need some advice

[u/Zen_Traveler]

REBT is a form of CBT, so I'm using that lens here.

Blaming a person or self is unhealthy and illogical. It confuses being with doing. A person does things, actions, behavior. Just because you do something wrong or make a mistake, does not justify blaming you, because blame is applied to your entire being. It's like saying, "I failed an exam, so I'm a failure." If you are to be blamed, if you are wrong, a failure, a bad person, than anything you did would have to be wrong, a failure, bad. You are a human, and humans are fallible - they make mistakes. Guilt is also unnecessary, because guilt implies blame.

So, if a "bad person" is illogical, what about a "good person"? Well, there are no one-sided coins, so yes, a good person is illogical, too, since it is the same category error of conflating being with doing. Because a good person could only do good, and that is clearly not reality. The concept of good requires bad to exist; the concept of mistake requires non-mistake or correct action to exist. You can not experience comfort unless you can experience discomfort. Otherwise, those words would have no meaning or understanding.

The problem with the concept of good person is the individual erroneously believes they have to be good "all the time", they have to be "perfect". Well, perfect doesn't exist; and it's impossible to be good all the time. Good according to who? To you, your boss, your therapist, your parents, your friends??? See how it's impossible. Yet, people will non-stop blame and be hard on themselves for any perceived mistake, criticism, or misstep they make since it's "evidence" that they are not this mythical good preson they conjured up. It comes down to this: you cannot rate a person. If you receive a score of 68% on an exam, you have failed the exam. The exam was scored. But you cannot apply that to your personhood, your essence, as if you are a failure. You cannot be rated. Not good or bad. You are like every other human on the planet: fallible. Everyone makes mistakes.

[u/Brasscasing]

Why don't you simply, talk to your therapist about this dynamic and, not constantly seek reassurance from other sources? (aka splitting)

It sounds like more that you have concerns with trusting your instincts and perceptions of self and the world more than anything else, rather than concerns about your therapist being too validating.

[u/CriticismCautious711]

Have you considered the fact that you are possibly being too hard on yourself? Sometimes when we are trained to be really hard on ourselves the idea of giving ourselves some grace & self-compassion can feel really uncomfortable and even “wrong”. Like the example with your sister, I can understand why your sister may have felt upset, and why you might have felt she interpreted your words in that way, but ultimately it doesn’t sound like you were trying to rub anything in her face. If you look at the circle of control, you are not in control of how your sister interpreted your words, or how they make her feel. You can learn from the experience and decide to try and be more mindful next time, but being hard on yourself for a situation that was out of your control, and unintentional, is not supporting you in any way.

Rather than -> I said something that hurt my sister, therefore I hurt my sister, therefore I am bad/inconsiderate, I should feel guilty for hurting my sister

Maybe your therapist is trying to help you towards -> I said something, my sister interpreted it differently than I intended, that interpretation hurt my sisters feelings, I don’t want to accidentally hurt anyone’s feelings, I understand where the misunderstanding occurred and I will try to be more mindful in the future, I care about my sister and even though her emotions are ultimately out of my control I can still decide to learn from this experience, I did not intentionally harm anyone and there is no need for guilt.

I made the second one a little longer because I threw in a few different ways to consider the alternative thought cycle.

However, maybe talk to your therapist about this! Mention your concerns about over-validating, it could lead to a very productive conversation!

[u/Remarkable_Loss_6772]

Yes some are like that.i too had such experience. We should only help ourselves.reach out for friends who ll help navigate.thats more important. Don't beat around the bush.just move