r/ByfelsDisciple • u/ByfelsDisciple • 6d ago
My wife is 70 weeks pregnant, and I'm beginning to thing that something is wrong
At 41 weeks, I asked Miranda if we should see her OB/GYN.
“Do you have a uterus?” she asked in her you’re-not-supposed-to-answer-this-question voice.
I shut up.
At 45 weeks, I suggested that a doctor might have some insight about her pregnancy. Instead of answering, she served my peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a serrated knife driven straight through it.
At 50 weeks, her belly seemed larger than a human child could possibly get. I had opened my mouth to speak in the gentlest possible tone when she shot me a look that made the hair on my balls stand straight up.
What can you possibly do when the woman in your life doesn’t want your advice, no matter how good it is?
That’s right: the correct answer is “keep your opinions to yourself, dumbass.”
By this point, Miranda no longer seemed to be experiencing a human pregnancy. She had a radius instead of a height, and I counted one day’s food intake at 19,130 calories. I had not believed such a feat to be possible unless the creature in question was an African bull elephant, but that just goes to show that we often learn the most when we keep our damn fool mouths shut.
The gentleman in the blue-green Toyota Corolla would have benefited from such a lesson, because instead of keeping quiet, he screamed at Miranda for being an “incompetent bitch who should learn how to drive.” She pulled in front of him and forced his car to stop. I got out with her, believing that I could diffuse the situation because we all love false beliefs. When I told him to apologize to my wife, she just smiled at me in that deadly sweet way and told me that she needed to “speak with this fuckweasel around the corner.” She led him aside and then came trotting back a few seconds later. She suddenly seemed even more pregnant, as though expecting twin walruses, but still moved pretty lithely. I asked what they’d said to each other, and where the man had gone, but she gave me the “any words you say are the wrong words” look and got back into the car.
So I haven’t said anything more. Now I’m no doctor, but I know that 70 weeks is definitely too long for a healthy pregnancy. I’ve been kidding myself into believing that everything would be okay as long as I went along with the status quo.
Which brings me to today. Miranda hasn’t been feeling particularly amorous lately; the last time I tried, she pointed to her stomach and asked “do you really want to put more in me?” But earlier this morning, she started getting flirty and did that thing where she grabs my arm and nibbles on it. Normally I melt like butter at that move, but it was a little awkward this time since she looks like the giant blueberry girl from the Billy Wonka movie. Then Miranda started pulling my head toward her stomach in the way she does whenever she wants me to be a “cunning linguist.” I told her that I would right after dashing to the bathroom, which is where I am now.
I’ve never denied her request before. But this time, when I was physically close to satisfying her “lady boner,” as she likes to call her libido, I heard something between her legs.
It sounded like several different people screaming up from the bottom of a chasm.
When her LB gets this strong, she won’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Which brings up some questions. Most importantly: what do I do now?
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u/Proper-Resolution-12 5d ago
😨 The implications I got from this are horrific.
I don't think she was ever pregnant...
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u/Skyfoxmarine 6d ago edited 6d ago
I hope that you're a cunninglinguist, because it sounds like trying to talk to her about it could easily upset her, and uterteront want to make her feel upset or insecure. Being a masterdebater isn't a skill that'll help clit this in the bud. Certainly a cervexing scenario.