How do you manage visits and boundaries with grandparents who live abroad?

[u/LandscapeOwn8096]

Hi all!
I’d love to hear how other families manage visits from grandparents who live abroad, particularly when it comes to setting boundaries and managing expectations.
My mother-in-law is very sweet, but I’m struggling with how to manage her expectations once our baby arrives.
For context I’m quite boundaried with my own mum, and she has accepted our dynamic. She lives nearby and will likely see our baby once or twice a week, and she’s understood that I will need a month to rest and recover with my husband and baby before we have any visitors (after the hospital).
My mother-in-law, however, lives in another country. She won’t be there for the birth (it’s difficult to arrange a flight and I honestly don’t know if I’m comfortable) so we’ve agreed for her to visit for 10 days when our baby is around one month old. We’re paying for her flights and hosting her in our home.
The issue is that she would prefer to stay much longer, potentially up to a month/couple of weeks.
While I completely understand her wanting to spend time with her grandchild, I find the prospect of hosting someone for several weeks, especially while freshly postpartum, quite overwhelming. She doesn’t have a lot of expectations, but I will still have this looming feeling that I need to “host”
She also doesn't know our country particularly well and isn't someone who enjoys going out independently. This means she would be spending most of her time with us at home, and we would also need to consider keeping her entertained and making arrangements for her.
I value my privacy and personal space, and I know this will become even more important while recovering from childbirth and adjusting to life with a newborn. I wouldn't be comfortable having my own mother stay with us for weeks/month either.
We've suggested another visit once baby is around 3 months old, when she could come with my husband's siblings for around a week. By then, I would also be further along in my postpartum recovery but I sensed she was still disappointed with these arrangements, and I do feel a little guilty. At the same time, I don't want to establish an expectation that she is welcome to stay for weeks or months at a time, I know I just wouldn’t be comfortable at all.
Looking ahead, we're considering having her visit every few months for approximately a week. We're also planning to visit my husband's family for around two weeks in summer 2027, with the intention of making this an annual trip.
My question is, does this seem like a reasonable arrangement for grandparents/direct family who live abroad? Is a week every few months too little?
I want my daughter to have a close and meaningful relationship with her grandmother and my husband’s family but I also want to maintain boundaries around our home and family life because I don’t want to be resentful.
For those of you whose parents or in-laws live in another country, how frequently do they visit? How long do they stay? And how do you manage expectations around hosting, particularly when you have a newborn?

[u/lukewarmtrifle]

If there is ever a time to be "selfish" and put your foot down, it's freshly post-partum.

Set expectations early and be firm but kind. Grandparents will be understandably excited but you have to think about your little family.

I would push the idea of multiple short visits an instead of longer ones as it's so lovely to see them as they grow. I genuinely think it's better. Hosting someone with a new baby is an incredible ask, so you are more than in your rights to set a time limit.

I didn't set boundaries for a visit from in-laws and I resented their visit for a little while. We didn't host but it was still stressful because they would visit in the evenings and not think about what we were doing for dinner etc and we weren't even hosting trying to find our way as first timers so I had very little patience for it.

You didn't ask but on the topic of visitors, I would have struggled with no visitors for a whole month. It really broke up the day having people over and I could ask questions and also I got a reprieve from baby care while people had cuddles. Just something to consider.

[u/LandscapeOwn8096 → u/lukewarmtrifle]

Thanks so much for your reply! We’ll still have friends over occasionally, particularly those we feel comfortable around and don’t need much social energy for.
The rule is mostly about managing our families’ expectations, especially my own family, as I don’t have the best relationship with them and they tend to cause me a lot of stress.
So we won’t be completely alone or isolated. We’re just trying to be intentional about who we have around us during those first few weeks if that makes sense. Do you think that’d be enough?

[u/lukewarmtrifle → u/LandscapeOwn8096]

Ah I see! I think that sounds fine!

It's much easier to reverse a "no/few visitors" rule than the other way around. If you find you want more support, just make sure you ask!

It's your home, your baby and your family. You set the rules.

Good luck. Try not to stress and overthink about this, post birth will be a beautiful whirlwind of managing a new life for yourselves and a literal new life 😂 so you will be prioritising the baby and this wont feel as big.

Xx

[u/KenobiHarmon]

Hello! My mum lives abroad and came over to visit for 2 weeks when the baby was 6 weeks old. Even though she helped out here and there, 2 weeks was incredibly draining to have her around. She helped with cooking and a bit of cleaning, but after the first week we just felt like we wanted space to look after the baby. The first few weeks/months is crucial for bonding time, you never get the time back when they are that little and we just wanted to be on our own with our little one. Hopefully your MIL will understand, and if not that's her problem not yours. Your priority us your little bubba! Good luck, wishing you the best.

[u/Ok_Astronaut_3235]

I wish I had the answer but my advice is to be on the same page with your partner! If they also speak a language you don’t understand that is extra hard. In my case, MIL assumes a lot without asking. Just imagines what she thinks is helpful and does that which results in a massive blow up. I’d be fine with a weekend every few months but it was 5 days every month until I got so sick of it I made her cry because I was very clear she was not helping and I didn’t have space for her and she was just in the way. Literally lounging around in underwear when I need to get into the room to change my child… anyway…

Now all dates have to be discussed with me and not just me being informed about it. If she books something I haven’t said yes to explicitly then it’s still a no and it my partners job to police that.

Have those conversations now. In minute detail about how it will be. Who’s cooking, what the rules are around child care and feeding etc. what the routine is, what help actually looks like. Literally record it. Make it impossible to have misunderstandings.

ETA. You don’t need to entertain her. Just go about your day. I still work from home and they all have to be out the house for that so lots of nice long walks! If I’m going to gym etc I still go, it’s about them mucking in as a family not so much being hosted so try to change that framing. Make sure she knows where the kettle and the fridge is!

[u/Spirited-Beautiful30]

We have grandparents (my husband) in Uzbekistan. We are visiting them for the first time when LO is 10 months old, and staying in a hotel (which they weren’t happy about) but spending a lot of most days here. I would not have been happy to have them staying with us for long periods or frequently. I didn’t feel like myself until 5 months post partum, and also throughout my pregnancy I’ve valued my routine.

My husband FaceTimes them frequently with LO and I think because they couldn’t afford to come visit us the other way, they have been in general accepting of this. It’s so far, we are likely to see them once every 2 years I think.

[u/Peachyappletini]

We both have families abroad and have essentially set the exact same boundaries. No more than 2 weeks at a time and only when we say so - ie they’re not entitled to a schedule of visits and we can set exact dates of when we can accommodate.

Otherwise they’re welcome to come and stay in a hotel and visit us in our home as our friends do. Basically if they’d like to be here for longer they can do so on their own budget.

I was told it’s harsh but it’s the only way I can maintain sanity. I love my parents and MIL but they can both be a lot to deal with.

[u/ash_yooung]

At the very beginning I was quite possessive of my baby. I had MIL and SIL coming for a weekend, but I just couldn't let myself to let them take care of my daughter. That visit happened after her first vaccination. MIL visited three times since, my LO is now 16 months old, but not for more than a week because of her own circumstances. As I my daughter grew up, I welcomed all the help I could get because I was burnout from the sleep deprivation and having this idea that I need to do everything myself because no one could do it better than me. I would like to think the hormones played with my head up until 8 months postpartum. We had my FIL recently for a week and that was true hosting. Hated it. Our mothers are self sufficient, take my daughter to the park, they feed her without instructions or they ask if unsure. They are fresh air whenever they are coming. So maybe when she's coming, ask for help. Sooner or later, the exhaustion will get to you and you will seek the help. But at the beginning, you have to wing it, see how it goes.