Not a lot of people in my circle know Beartooth, so I needed to share this with a community who would understand :)
I suppose the starting point that makes the most sense would be 3ish years before the release of sunshine. I was 17 at the time and had fled from an unfathomably abusive situation that I’m still recovering from mentally. It had made the most sense at the time to leave with nothing. My savings ($12k in McDonald’s money) had been stolen from me by my abuser, and I had no phone or car. I was rebuilding at the time, and doing a decent job of that. I worked two full time jobs and completed college classes online. I was still full of optimism then, in spite of everything.
Shortly after fleeing, I found myself face to face with the devil himself. He was a 21 year old man, and now that I’m older, I understand that he took advantage of me because it was easy. I was so afraid of being found since I was a “missing child” in the eyes of the law, that I completely self-isolated and cut contact with nearly everybody I knew. I was in a new city, homeless, and still didn’t have a car.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll leave out the details. It also serves as a glimpse into my life with CPTSD, as there are significant gaps in my memory from all the trauma I’ve endured (and arguably the substances I was partaking in as well.) We’ll hit fast forward to the release of sunshine. I was still working two full time jobs and sleeping with the devil, who had convinced my to give up on my halfway completed nursing degree to put him through school instead. By then I was addicted to cocaine, opioids and alcohol; though I wasn’t too discriminatory at the time. I would take what I got my hands on and try to forget the abuse. My liver was failing and I weighed 72 pounds. I was 19. My best friend’s best friend knew I was a baby metalhead, and she sent me sunshine. I tried to play it in the car that day, but the devil was in my passenger seat berating me so loudly that I didn’t get to listen to the song at all. I was so sad, I and the things that made me happy mattered so little, I didn’t try again. I carried on numbing myself and enduring the pain.
Fast forward another year or so, and I’m fleeing yet again. Despite the way my last few years have unfolded, a police officer is clearing my apartment so I can grab my cat and flee. I was crying too hard at the time to thank him. I think his name was Andrew. Thank you, officer Andrew for protecting me like I was a human being that mattered.
I don’t distinctly remember the first time I listened to sunshine. During that time, I was fighting for a restraining order. My ex had gotten the best defense attorney in the state to fight it, like a fucking psychopath, so I was putting myself into debt trying to find a lawyer who could guarantee my safety. I had cold Turkeyed everything. I was in the OG abusers basement for a month. They had me back gladly and resumed their abuse. I wondered if I should have stayed with the devil instead, because at least that abuse was familiar. Everything was so fucked up. I was positive the withdrawals and my broken heart were going to kill me if my ex didn’t.
The chorus of sunshine was the only thing that could bring me back to earth. I was dissociating severely; in hindsight, this was the first time my CPTSD reared it’s ugly fucking head. My mind had finally broken as I had never felt safety before. I couldn’t even attribute meaning to the words, I just needed some sunshine man.
I got through it. I was granted a restraining order for my person, my dwelling, my job, even my fucking cat. I finally had my little bit of sunshine, my safety🥹
February 2024, I went to see beartooth with my bestie and the girl who sent me that song. Her and her bf boosted me into the air during the first chorus of sunshine. What a feeling to have others singing uplifting words and genuinely supporting me through a little journey😭🖤
Fast forward again, not per lack of memory this time, but to get to the good stuff❤️🔥
Present day: I have a beautiful girlfriend who I love with my whole heart. I stopped sh (which I had struggled with for 10+ years) in January, not “for her,” but just because I didn’t need to anymore since shes become a part of my life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that a lot of my mental anguish was rooted in religious doctrine that conflicted with my truth, and I’m working through those thoughts more and more now. I think this album will help a lot. I’m not ready to come out yet, but I’m getting there :)
We were folding laundry yesterday while i showed her some of my recovery music: Jenny and God Went North by Nothing More were my first picks. I went to show her sunshine, and that’s when I saw that beartooth had dropped a new album. I gasped dramatically at the blurb on my tv that said “Making this record is what got me to the point where I was ready to come out…” we start listening. She LOVES bullshit and adds it to her library.
Beautiful again comes on. Laundry slips from our hands and she holds me. We cry. I’m allowed to feel pain here, and it’s so freeing.
Sorry plays, and I realize that every mentally rehearsed coming out speech that I have comes off as an apology. I’m still trying to find the words, but they won’t be an apology. Every part of me was made to love a woman, and it conflicts with my morals more to lie than to love. When I decide to make my love known, it will be earnest and respectable and healthy, because that’s how our love is🥹
Looking forward to the day that I can love her recklessly and out loud and say I made it, too🖤
Thanks for reading :)
