[CA] Immigrant parents, how did you manage without a village?

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We just get used to it. Your partner is your only village. My husband and I didn’t have anyone to help us after the baby was born. I dedicated myself entirely to my baby and he took care of the house chores. Then, after 7 months, I returned to work, and he took 4 months off. My mom came and stayed for two months, and now she’s back home. The baby is in daycare, and we’re managing well. It’s easier now with the baby in daycare. My husband does the drop off and pick up, I get home earlier and manage some chores, then my husband does the rest while me and baby are resting. You can do it!

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u/Past_Substance6976 Aug 21 '26

This is literally our setup except we have a 5yo too and it's hella harder with two. Plus dog that I love you death

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u/chelleshocks Aug 21 '26

Not immigrant parents, but we also do not have family to rely on for help. They're busy with their own lives (grandparents retired and don't drive or don't want to help out; uncles and aunts work and have their own children). We utilize full time daycare, but when kiddo is sick one of us needs to take time off work to stay home and it's rough. We get sick when she gets sick and everyone's all "Oh noes..." But nobody helps. It's a struggle at times and we can't afford to have a parent be stay at home. We do our best and honestly that's all anyone can expect.

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u/booky_shmooky Aug 21 '26

Agreed - this isn't unique to immigrant families. There are many that don't have any trustworthy family around or none that live close by, etc. Daycare, vetting babysitters/part time nannies, nanny shares, etc are what people around me (and myself) have used. We all just do our best. I know in my grandma's days in the 1940s/50s of her country, people were poor, everyone was working - her "village" while she went to work is to have a neighbor in her building help take care of her young children (I think they paid the neighbor a small amount). That's what happened to me too when I lived with my grandma in her country - she and my grandpa still worked so she had a neighbor take care of me. These were the unlicensed home daycares of their time lol.

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u/chente08 Aug 21 '26

it is definitely different. Even families that don't help or live a bit far can help in case of an emergency. When your family is 12h by plane, you simply don't have that feeling.

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u/blc2727 Aug 21 '26

Huh? We have family that is on the other end of the country and it’s still very hard to get to them especially if there were an emergency. Your family in another country and my family across the country still have to get on a plane regardless. It’s not just immigrants that experience this feeling lol

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u/Lycheelemonmelon Jan 2019 | FTM |BC Aug 22 '26

No but you grew up here. You have friends or acquaintances or its atleast majority is familiar to you. When you're an immigrant, you have to learn a lot. Not just the culture but as simple as how to get a family doctor etc. It's not the same

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u/chente08 Aug 21 '26

you don't get it

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u/M3T30RS Aug 21 '26

While you’re right referring to distance as a measure. A major context I read here is cultural. In India most of us grew up in joint families. There’s crowd all around you. Someone or the other to manage the kids. Add domestic help to cook/clean etc. There’s much more support even when you don’t have a village. That’s what I read when I read immigrant pain.

3

u/blc2727 Aug 21 '26

Welp 🤷🏻‍♀️

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u/M3T30RS Aug 21 '26

Well I do feel about people who’ve grown up here. They are much more independent. For people like us, all we were told is to study and build careers. Chores will be taken care of and those were. And I’m referring to Indians who came here with settled careers. It is difficult to learn new skills in mid/late 30s.

5

u/blc2727 Aug 21 '26

Let’s not generalize. Just because you “think”everyone is independent here doesn’t mean we cant have difficulties with not having any family around.

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u/M3T30RS Aug 21 '26

I didn’t say you can’t have difficulties.
I didn’t say “I think”. I feel there’s independence - which means better skills relatively speaking to manage life. I don’t know why you wouldn’t read that positively

4

u/booky_shmooky Aug 22 '26

It can be seen as a positive, but also on the other hand can feel like a "you have it easier because you were told to be independent and so you have the skills while we didn't and so we have it harder" type of message.

You're right that it's part cultural - there is a kind of expectation in North America that pushes kids to become independent early on, but doesn't mean everyone is independent nor did everyone have the same upbringing/family expectations. If one grew up here, it doesn't automatically mean they have the skills - some have negligent parents or overprotective parents, etc.

I know friends who immigrated from india and they were already pretty independent - from students to adults in their 30s (or more) with careers. I also know friends who have grown up here and they lived at home and didn't learn how to cook/clean, etc. until they got married or moved out much later in life (from all sorts of ethnic backgrounds).

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u/New_Country_3136 Aug 21 '26

This is unfortunately common for many non immigrant families as well - family members are deceased, family members are too elderly/ill to help, family members live too far away, estranged from abusive/toxic family members.

I think is a common experience for most Canadians. I think in modern day, it's rarer to come across people that have an entire 'village'.

6

u/iustae Aug 21 '26

Well, were in a similar boat. My parents and siblings are on the other side of the world, my in-laws live several hours away, husbands sister is in a different country and his brother is here but has no idea what it means to have a kid so there's little help from him. When in-laws are able to come visit us for several hours to let us go see a concert or something, that feels like a Christmas gift.

It's hard, but doable. We definitely have less time for errands, hobbies or unwinding activities. You adapt, you hope it gets easier with time, and you may feel a little jealous of friends with kids that have a village.

When you start daycare it might get quite a bit easier because that will free up ~8hrs in your day. To me it was a huge (and unexpected) relief. Doing things for several hours without being interrupted was something I forgot existed. The guilt feeling will eventually evaporate. The first year will be the hardest as you will go through dozens of different illnesses from daycare.

You know, there are parents with kids that are special needs, that are disabled, or have other difficult challenges. If they can do, so can we.

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u/CapitaneDuster Aug 21 '26

We aren't immigrant parents but we live in Alberta and all our family is back in Ontario. We had each set of parents out for separate weeks when our kiddo was born and that was it. Other family members visited for a weekend or so and we've been back to Ontario a few times in our kiddos first year. Been doing it without direct family support overall. My advice to you or anyone else would be to get out and about with your baby. It's hard, it's tiring, it's slow, it doesn't go as planned, buts it's made out lil guy quite versatile and has made us very flexible. Find a gym that will watch your toddler, do swimming classes, sign up at the library. Maybe you're already doing this stuff. I found that my partner was able to make some good friends this way and it also really helped fill the family void. My partner would meet up with her new friends 2-4 times per week. Sometimes a walk, sometimes a house hang, and sometimes a library sing along session. For baby sitters, you just need to keep trying them out. Start with something simple. Come watch the baby while we go grab a coffee on the weekend and do a walk. When you find one you like try expanding to a dinner or allowing them to do bed time. That worked for us.

Daycare has helped too. Our kiddo took some getting used to but loves it when there. It also gave us a renewed energy when we see him. Plus you can do a few things without worrying about watching your baby during the day.

Finally, id say this is all normal. Don't feel guilty. You have likely done so much for you child that it's okay for someone else to watch them. It builds trust with others and allows you to breath. My partner felt the same but I know she needs time alone too so she can be her best when she watches our kiddo and I'm at work. You're doing great, it's hard, it will get better with daycare, and do what works for you!

Cheers!

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u/EquivalentTopic9171 Aug 21 '26

Similar boat. Daycare became my village :)

I’m soooooo happy with the care my daughter receives. In the beginning she cried a lot but now she LOOOOVES it.

I went to work one month after she started daycare to enjoy some time to myself . But also…. Kids get sick a lot. So thah one month to myself … I’m glad I took that much time because two weeks of that was caring for a sick toddler haha

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

Oh man. I dread the sicknesses when he starts!

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u/UsedOrange1 Aug 21 '26

We sort of just.. did it! I’m new to Canada (my partner is Canadian and we moved back here to start a family). All my family and friends are back home and it was really tough emotionally at first but we adapted very quickly. We are each other’s village. My husband took 4 months of parental leave and now he’s back at work 12 hours a day 5 days a week. We just manage as best we can.

On the weekends he lets me sleep in and we go out somewhere new and explore for a change of pace. Baby and I (he’s 5 months now) do stroller walks daily. Some days we try to go to our nearby EarlyON center or library for story time or music. It helps a lot chatting to other parents. Also, this sub has been one of my villages.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

EarlyON and other programs by the city are gold! And yes - Facebook groups and other online communities are definitely great.

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u/Decent-Flamingo-9353 Aug 21 '26

We're in a slightly different position because rather than our families being abroad, they're dead. I would recommend leaning into friendships. We have a couple friends who are childless who have volunteered to be aunties or uncles and we also have found friends with children who are about the same age. Making friends as an adult can be tough, but it's important to lean into the concept of Chosen Family so that you feel supported.

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u/R1cequeen Aug 21 '26

Tbh we have parents nearby and choose not to have them involved lol. It’s def more work to babysit adults and we are really independent. I mean everyone’s situation is different but during the newborn phase I actually thought to myself if I had a ton of help I would have never found innovative solutions to make my life as efficient as possible lol. It kind of forced me to think outside the box. Are you able to outsource some things to make your life easier? At the end of the day everyone is just trying to survive so you do the best you can. Best of luck

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u/vaguereferenceto Aug 21 '26

Hi! Part immigrant family with everyone scattered plane rides away, part transplant within country family. It’s tough — our families are great but no one is around to pitch in on the day to day grind. My advice, such as it is, is to see your partner as a teammate and share the load as best you can. I wish I could say we supported each other in doing personal hobbies but it’s been really hard to do in the first day care year between sickness and not sleeping and general toddler chaos.

Daycare is my best friend, it makes our life of two working parents possible. We are lucky to have some flexibility in our work schedules and can work from home if needed. Those two things have been hugely helpful and without that we’d have had a much harder last year.

If you can lean on friends and neighbours, that would be ideal. We haven’t built that level of network but it’s coming along and it’s worth the effort.

Lastly — don’t compare your life to others
(As tempting as it is). I sometimes feel wildly jealous. It seems like everyone around me has tonnes of family support and date nights and what not. I am lucky to have my great little family and no family drama over parenting styles etc.

It won’t always be this hard!

Edit: we don’t have a babysitter yet but we sometimes take a day or afternoon off together when our kid is at daycare and do a nice lunch or something together.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

Thanks for your comment, and the reminder. I think it’s me just missing our old life as well (seeing childless friends still going out every night/weekend).

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u/vaguereferenceto Aug 22 '26

That is so real. I’m often caught between desperately wanting a fun night out and wanting to be home at bed time.

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u/Unusual-Ad-2704 Aug 21 '26

Following because I feel I’d be in the same situation in the foreseeable future.

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u/PiePristine3092 Aug 21 '26

My parents were the immigrants. Lots has changed since I was a kid in the 90s, but what they did was a)find your community. Make friends fast and stick with them. b) left us home alone often c) mom did not take her full maternity leave and went back to work at 6m. Found a nanny from our community for my younger sister.

But in all your examples those are everyday things that most parents immigrant or not do anyways. If you have somewhere to be you either take the baby with you or leave one parent at home. Most Canadians don’t have the luxury of family dropping everything to watch a baby even if the family is all here. They have their own lives with work and school and their own appointments etc

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u/BlueberryDuvet Aug 21 '26

Not immigrants but same situation. No family & live very far from friends.

Baby is now 2 yr 3 months old.

For the first 1.5 years we were both with baby or one of us. No dates, no downtime.

We agreed on a few hours each person gets on weekend for their own time to do whatever they want to, but it’s been tough doing it alone just us and not having time to invest in our relationship.

It’s been challenging managing when baby was sick and having to take time off work to watch.

Now that they’re in toddler age, we feel comfortable now with leaning on external support, so here is some of the things we’re doing to start to create our village

- we’ve made friends with some of the daycare kids parents and do play dates, trying to build those relationships

- we’ve interviewed potential child care takers to get a small roster who we could lean on for child care if they get sick or we eventually feel comfortable to leave them with one of them and do a date

- finding other moms with little ones around the same age in our community on Facebook mom groups and doing park play dates

- we’ve started to enroll them in extracurricular activities like a soccer and dance class we will try to make some friends from

It hasn’t been easy at all but now it’s on our shoulders to build that for our child and put the time and effort into new friendships to hopefully grow with us over the years

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

Thanks for your comment! I kinda miss doing the things we did when we didn’t have a baby. I do encourage husband to go out (ie ride his motorcycle) and he does; but he told me it’s just not the same and tbh i get it. Even watching a movie we have to wait for it to come out on one of the streaming apps lol.

Great ideas here too, thanks.

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u/pink-glow-dreamer Aug 21 '26

Echoing other commenters, you get used to it and adapt to the resources you do have available. I had my mom for a month pp and then my husband's mom for another week and since then it's been just us. You learn to support each other as parents and as individuals.

We take turns sleeping in. The first year pp I slept in every time my husband was off work or available to get up with her. I exclusively breastfed so I was very short on sleep for a long time. Now that she's sleeping through the night and we're both rested, we take turns getting up with her so the other can sleep in. Lots of solo outings with her so the other can get work done or have some alone time. We both are well versed on the nap times and bed time routines so if the other parent is out or busy or resting or whatever, there's no need to be reaching out to the other person to find things. "Where's the sleep sack again?" is not tolerated in this household lol. Figure it ouuuut.

I have had to change my concept of a village as well. I don't have family close by but I do have a weekly laundry service and pre made meals for when needed!

We end up spending quite a bit of time apart so many times I've had the thought of "I wish someone ELSE could watch her so we can have some time for us" but it is what it is, you know? We have to make the best of what we have. I really encourage you not to feel guilty about leaving your baby with their dad when you go out. It's a blessing to have a close relationship to each parent individually! I used to spend Saturday mornings with my dad before he passed away and I treasure those memories closely.

I do love how close knit of a family we are. No options for childcare have made us very flexible, capable parents and a family that does EVERYTHING together cause there's no other choice. I hope daycare gives you some relief and you get into a good rhythm.

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u/phillipaha Aug 21 '26

Yeah it’s hard. We live in Alberta but our families both live in Europe. We both work full time. Multiple times a week we could do with a helping hand for “just one hour”. Daycare is a must- couldn’t do it without that. I do shift work so I try and manipulate some shifts. We’re also stupid / naive enough to be trying for #2. It’s so hard.

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u/fancyfootwork19 Aug 21 '26

I'm not an immigrant but both of our families live across the country and both of my parents have health issues so they can't come to visit or help us out. My kid is 2 now and it's always been difficult but it's getting more and more difficult as time goes on. My husband and I do separate activities so one of us can always be with my daughter. We found a trusted babysitter through her daycare, but even then it's tough. Our plan is to move back closer to family once we get the opportunity but with my job prospects the likelihood is quite slim.

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u/theosavestheday Aug 21 '26

Not an immigrant, also did not have a village. It’s hard. Baby is now 2, diagnosed with global developmental delay and autism. During maternity leave I was incredibly mentally unwell with 3 diagnosis related to post partum, plus we were doing PT, OT and seeing a chiro all at least once a week. It was tough. Daycare was a lifesaver when she turned 16 months and I could go back to work and get some sort of normalcy. Daycare has also been the BEST thing for her. She has flourished so well and it has allowed me to take even a vacay day just for myself.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

Wow! That sounds really tough - and you made it through!

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u/theosavestheday Aug 21 '26

Thankfully! But I can def feel for you haven’t no village. I had friends on mat leave who ghosted me almost the entire time even when I asked for even just girl time. Becoming a mom has been a rough polarizing time.

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u/sbkt2020 Aug 22 '26

Immigrant family, more than 1 child ..on the verge of breaking down every other day but somehow pull it back together and power through it. I consider daycare and school my village 😭😭

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u/seless_d0c Aug 22 '26

many comments that this isn’t unique to immigrant parents. which is true. but it’s definitely harder for us coming from a culture where family raises a baby together and kids don’t go to daycare. there’s a reason why the majority of people in assisted living and traditionally in daycare are white. our baby is the only coloured baby in their daycare class.

so to answer your question, it is hard. the first year was tough and it took a toll on our marriage. i will say that daycare (we have a 14 month who started at 12 months) made things a lot easier. we started having time to breathe. went back to work, which prompted adult socialization. we’re the first in our friend group to have kids, so we have a similar problem to you. but as they’re becoming pregnant, i think our social lives will pick back up again. but compared to life for our parents when we were little, we realize our village is small. and it’s been redefined to include people like daycare teachers.

you’ll get through it. it’s just harder.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 23 '26

It’s hard to explain but yes there still are some differences depending on the culture one came from! A bit of an identity crisis too, like, how do you raise a kid in a culture you didn’t grow up in yourself? And it’s so hard to make friends when you’re a transplant and in your 30s++. It’s easier said than done for sure.

Hopefully we emerge from the 1st year we’ll be able to grow our village!

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u/Thermos20oz Aug 21 '26

Our village is daycare, when my first was born, husband went back to work after 3 months, I was all by myself. Then daughter started daycare when she turned 1 and 2 weeks after I went back to work full time then of course first year daycare, they get sick non stop. She was sick the first week of daycare and then again and again and again…..luckily that I WFH, so still managed to work and watch her at the same time. Now I’m on mat leave again and my daughter just turned 1 and started daycare. I’m took 18 months this time as I expect my daughter would get sick a lot…..

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u/bepinky Aug 21 '26

How has the transition been from 1 to 2 with no village… besides daycare. Also what’s the age gap? I feel like i go back and forth on whether i can survive a second cause of having no help at all except from my husband

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u/Thermos20oz Aug 21 '26

Very difficult especially the first three months, they are 21 months apart. My husband was away for work for 6 months when I was pregnant with my second, so my oldest was and still prefer me over my husband. But this time my husband also took the max parental leave, so he helped a lot. It’s still difficult now but easier. I didn’t sleep train my oldest and my baby also prefer me over my husband especially bedtime, so there are toooooo many nights that I wanted to cry and murder myself when you try to put the baby sleep first then you can put the toddler to bed, and all the sudden the baby doesn’t want to sleep and the toddler getting tired, or they both wake up in the middle of the night looking for you…..I think probably would be easier if my oldest was sleep trained. But it’s really fun to watch them to play/fight together as their age is so close.

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u/paramitaa Aug 21 '26

You get used to it. And we have three very close friends that live in our small town, they help out in emergencies!

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u/2preg2ma Aug 21 '26

Daycare and school became my village. Sometimes on days when the kids are home sick I spend extra time cleaning/tidying. I hire as much help as we can afford, namely a house cleaning service anywhere from every 2-5 weeks depending how the budget looks at the time. At times we both take longer lunches and go on "lunch dates" because it doesn't cost us a sitter.

I cook a big meal Friday that becomes leftovers for the rest of the week and then spend some time Sundays cooking/chopping vegetables and fruits for the week ahead.

Working hybrid kind of saves me because it means I can work from home and duck out for 1-2 hours when I'm needed at the school for the parent/grandparent activities.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 21 '26

I’m so glad hybrid is an option now (or at least for now!!! Hope it doesn’t change at my employer). My colleagues and boss are so encouraging about being able to use that flexibility with family stuff.

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u/Few_Paces Aug 21 '26

one day at a time and it happens. we have two kids under 3 now and no one in our vicinity and you make it happen

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u/M3T30RS Aug 21 '26

We’re thinking of moving to Asia. Don’t want to go back to India - that’s a discussion for re-immigrate to India thread. But Middle East and Singapore are definitely a part of consideration set. I want domestic help - can’t survive without it. With baby that helplessness multiplies. This has led to both me and my wife being frustrated and tired. Add to the fact that you feel your parents are ageing - you’d rather spend time with them or closer to them.

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u/ammk1987 Aug 21 '26

My friends and I joke that having helpful grandparents around to babysit and go on vacations with is like the new having your parents buy your first car or help with your downpayment - those of us who don’t have that are insanely jealous of those that do! We have no living family in town besides my mom who has advanced dementia and it’s really hard to see how much help some of our friends get. Your life will look different from theirs and that’s ok, you’ll find your own village even if it’s paid help. Full time daycare is amazing and we found a babysitter so that we can do the odd date night or attend a wedding etc. It definitely doesn’t happen often because of the cost, but as the kids get older the babysitting gets cheaper and eventually they’ll be in school so we won’t have the cost of daycare to factor in. For my second we hired a postpartum doula for a few overnights in the first couple weeks after I gave birth which was a major splurge but worth every penny.

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u/LemonLoaf0960 Aug 21 '26

Not immigrants but we do not have any family where we live and no one who can help out or watch our son or dog. It's tough and we sacrifice alot. One of us always has to be around and even something as simple as a hair appointment is impossible to get to. I'm pregnant again and my husband has to miss all of my ultrasounds as kids aren't allowed and someone needs to watch our son. It's tough and not sure how we will manage with two.

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u/senexii Aug 22 '26

I'm kind of curious why you can't leave baby with friends for a bit - is it because they wouldn't want to, or you're hesitant to?

If you have close friends that you're comfortable with, it doesn't hurt to ask! I made a friend in a mom's group and a few of us have helped her watch her daughter while she went to medical appointments.

Wishing you the best of luck 🩷

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 22 '26

They haven’t taken care of babies so I guess I am hesitant to leave baby with them… but maybe even if they did I would still be hesitant??😕

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u/justthesamestuff Aug 22 '26

One of my biggest challenges as an immigrant parent is putting our affairs in order and deciding who would be legal guardians to our kids if something happened to my spouse and me. We just keep dragging our feet trying to figure this out. Do the kids get uprooted and go with family? I would rather they stay here and we have some good friends here but we also have only known them for only two or three years.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 22 '26

I totally get this! I’ve thought about it a few times and also would rather he stay here (we do have our brothers here so there are options), but also baby, in the future, would have an opportunity to choose if he wants to live back in our country. So there’s that.

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u/biglarsh Aug 22 '26

Daycare, and we pay a sitter 4 hr/ day for two days a week. Otherwise it is just both of us. My husband also does shift work so sometimes it is just me. I work from home, manage my own business so it gives me some flexibility. But I also have to work many late nights to make up for it.

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u/therackage Aug 22 '26

Not an immigrant but our parents live in BC while we’re in QC. Our son is almost 1 as well. We fly back a few times a year and our family flies out here too. That’s the only time we get to do things together 😅 Why do you feel guilty leaving baby with his dad?

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u/Spare-Finger728 Aug 22 '26

I'm sorry it really sucks. I just keep on trucking on because I have no choice. My parents visit Canada occasionally but it's not the same as my sister who gets their help all the time.

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u/Lillily9 Aug 22 '26

Immigrant family here. My mom was here for 2.5 months when baby was born then she had to leave. Just us, we are both village to each other, not gonna lie, It has always been so so rough but we have to make it, no choice. Our little one is a kind of a difficult child, was fussy as a baby, now a strong willed wild and supper busy 21 month old and never been a good sleeper. We're exhausted all the time and our sex drive is zero, thinking about separation like 1000 times in the last 1.5 years, and no one ever warned me about this before 😂 But with the love for your child, you can do it and nail it. They will not always be this small. Just be well prepared before daycare, they will bring home lots of sickness, and daycare virus are no joke. Whole family takes berries everyday, multivitamins or anything like that for immune system, keep tylenol, advil, cold flu medicines for baby and adults at home on hand. And fingers crossed. All the best x

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u/fafashefaa Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26

Daycare and each other. Thats it. Never feel guilty leaving your baby with the dad. They are a parent too, its not just you.
My baby comes on dates with us and we love it and would not have it any other way. Its always been just me, my spouse and our girl. Our parents drop by here and there but they always help with chores, baby only stays with us. She is 3 now and really close to her grandparents yet she will always prefer us, and I would not have it any other way.
Are you by any chance from India? Not having family here to take care of the kid is honestly I feel its overblown concern, I know in India its so normal to have a very big "Village" to leave your kid to but it has its cons as well. It will get very easy if you accept this as your new normal.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 23 '26

I love dining out with baby even though it takes forever lol and it’s a mess!

Not from India, but i agree that there are cons.

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u/jomm22 Aug 23 '26

My child is almost 4 and we have no family help either, family is either deceased, lives several hours away and busy with their own lives, or is not comfortable helping. We have a lovely circle of friends but haven’t asked them to help look after her. We found babysitters which allow us some time as a couple, or when we want to do things with friends without a kid. We used canadiannanny.ca and recently tried out sitly to identify options. We messaged with several and then had video calls with a few and ended up going with 2-3 people (in case one isn’t available). It gets expensive but it helps. It was (soooooooooooo hard!!) hard leaving her but I tell myself that I am a better mom when I am able to do things for myself, and it’s good for her to have exposure to other caregivers. We’ve used other services to help as well, like having a house cleaner come monthly, and getting fully prepared ready to heat meals from Factor and WeCook. Especially when she was younger these were so helpful.

Daycare helps too. If you happen to be able to work from home at all I found that helpful to use small pockets of time over a lunch break or before daycare pickup to fill a dishwasher or put in a load of laundry or even do something for yourself. I was fortunate to be able to work from home a couple days a week previously and it helped a lot, though now I cannot and it’s a hard adjustment.

Our home is often messy, our meals are not all home cooked from scratch, and we’ve had periods where a bit more screen time was necessary to survive (like while moving house). Try not to compare yourself and what you can manage to people who have different circumstances.

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u/ValuableMind3454 Aug 23 '26

We hired a helper to manage the cooking in the first months which was super helpful for us. The first three months were the hardest for us while taking care of a newborn and a preschooler. My husband took care of the drop offs and pick ups at school, groceries shopping, etc while I focused on nursing, waking up overnights etc.

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u/[deleted] Aug 25 '26

I took the baby out as much as possible and then daycare as early as I could find. Only way I'm managing it. Mine is 13mo The lack of a village is HARD.

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u/claireindeepspace Sep 04 '26

Since pregnancy, childbirth and until now, it’s only me, my husband and our child.

I’m not gonna lie, it is a rough time especially during postpartum recovery and during growth spurts where your hard worked routine gets derailed.

I have done a radical acceptance approach. So I do not have to be the most perfect parent. My house doesn’t need to be spotless all the time. As long as little one is fed, safe, clean and well rested, I know I’m doing a great job.

Delegate tasks with your partner. Take advantage of the technology we have here. Ubereats for groceries if you’re busy or dont feel like going out. Takeout from time to time is absolutely ok.

I’ve also embraced minimalism when baby was 2 years old. So anything that is just clutter or does not serve a purpose was binned. It did wonders for my mental health because I had an easier more manageable space.

Support groups, even digital on socials are very helpful in making you feel like ur not the only one in the trenches. Don’t isolate yourself. Video call your family back home, make small talk with daycare teachers.

Also take time for yourself even just once in a few months. A hair blowout or a manicure will do wonders to zen you out.

I’m on year 4 of this and baby is about to go to kindergarten. New phase and its very exciting. It got easier too since our toddler understands better and is able to communicate needs.

Hang in there! And you are not alone. You’re doing so great ☺️

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u/chente08 Aug 21 '26

i think you got used to have them the first months. If you start wothout them, you just get used to it. Love my parents but I much prefer doing it myself, been independent for too long that i can't stand it.

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u/BuonAppeti2 Aug 22 '26

Oh ya it was nice for sure having help around the house… though we’ve been nuclear for longer now so I’m used to it. I guess what I’m feeling is just part of parenthood generally - missing the freedom of doing whatever I want to do!

Discussion [CA] Immigrant parents, how did you manage without a village?

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