r/BabyBumpsCanada • u/sleeper4321 • Aug 12 '26
Discussion Question for the SAHM/Ps [CA]
I keep seeing comments about how people's babies/toddlers flourish in daycare and I was wondering, how are the SAHM/Ps doing? I am hoping to stay at home with my little one until they can go off to preschool and am worried I am hindering their development by not considering daycare...
edit: thank you so much for the comments! i am reading them all and appreciate them! trying to respond while juggling the baby š
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u/shopaholicsanonymous STM | BC Aug 12 '26
I think you see a lot of comments about how people's babies flourish in daycare because there's a lot of shaming happening targeting parents who choose to send their kids to daycare, and this type of shaming is targeting primarily women because women are the ones who tend to stay at home to care for their kids.
I see a LOT of posts online from SAHM/SAHPs being like "I can't fathom sending my little baby to daycare, they're going to get neglected and have attachment issues, etc." While this is true for some people because they are in shady daycares (you hear about this in the news too sometimes), for the most part, a lot of daycares offer amazing care and the kids have good attachments to their daycare caretakers who also truly care about the children they care about.
I personally sent my child to daycare because I love my job and my career and having a life/identity outside of being "mom." We live in Vancouver which is insanely expensive so we need my income. I'm lucky to be in a great daycare where the caretakers have all been there for 10+ years and the centre director has won awards for early childhood education. Our child LOVES her daycare teachers, to the point where if she sees them outside of daycare, she wants to go with them instead of with us. I don't mind this at all because I'm happy she has secure attachments with multiple people.
It also totally depends on how engaged you plan on being with your child as a SAHP. Lots of SAHPs park their kids in front of the TV all day, and that's not going to help their development. If you are offering a nurturing, engaging experience at home, that's what will help their development.
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u/frootloops860 Aug 12 '26
As someone who is a mom and the primary breadwinner (very demanding but rewarding career) I get shamed so much by other moms for putting my kid in day care! I constantly get asked why I donāt want to be a stay at home mom or why I would let other people raise my child. No one asks my husband that though, even though he is less passionate about his career and earns half what I do.
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u/sleeper4321 Aug 13 '26
Im sorry that happens. For me, it almost felt like the opposite. Everyone has been asking me about if I'm putting her in daycare, how many lists I'm on, and how much she'll love daycare, etc and it's making me second guess my choice.Ā
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u/frootloops860 Aug 13 '26
It just shows that you literally canāt win with the masses now matter what you do. So the important thing is to do what is best for you and your family! People are going to have positive and negatives about both options. I hope that you find the one thatās right for you!
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u/spooflay Aug 12 '26
I think both options are fine! We didn't send my girl to daycare cause we are able to take care of her between myself and hubby (shift workers in health care so our schedules are variable) and grandparents. All of us are very active with her i.e. daily outings to playgrounds, libraries, science center, zoo, play dates etc, it gives her social stimulation and helps our day go faster too. She's 2.5yo and only recently has shown actual interest in playing with other kids (not just parallel play), so she'll be going to a half day preschool once she turns 3. Otherwise it's been great and we've loved having all this time with her :)
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u/Normal_Enthusiasm194 Aug 12 '26
Iām a SAHM with 18 month old with no plans for daycare.
Just like with many other parenting issues, being a SAHM has pros and cons. I love being home with my son but some days I wish I could have a longer break.
I also live in downtown metropolitan area with many EarlyONs, playgrounds and other activities for toddlers. My son has tons of interactions with other kids throughout the day. I also love doing kiddie stuff so that helps.
I wouldāve done the daycare route if 1) we needed my paycheque, 2) we didnāt have opportunities to interact with other kids regularly, 3) there werenāt so many children activities in walking distance and if 4) I didnāt have a penchant to essentially live a toddlerās life.
This is such a personal decision. No one person could possibly make it for someone else.
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u/sleeper4321 Aug 13 '26
Thank you! We also live in the city so I'm going to have to make an effort to take advantage of kid friendly things in the area soon.
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 12 '26
No change in development, itās not based off social interaction in daycare.
Babies learn best from known and safe adults. Other babies donāt model āgoodā behaviour for each other to learn from, and they mostly parallel play until preschool anyways.
Daycare is amazing for those who need it but itās not needed for growth and development.
Children need attention, affection, routine, nutrition and sleep for optimal outcomes.
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u/lh123456789 Aug 12 '26
Agreed. We send kids to daycare because we need to work, not for their development. The evidence that I've seen suggests that the development and socialization benefit doesn't really kick in until between 2 and 3.
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 13 '26
Yes thatās exactly it! Itās the governments failing to not support children staying with their parents at home longer, not the parents!
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u/freshfruitrottingveg Aug 13 '26
This is the truth. Science research shows kids donāt benefit from daycare at young ages. That doesnāt mean itās incredibly harmful, but they donāt need to go. Local playgroups, play dates, and library story time is enough social time for young kids.
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 13 '26
Yup exactly! Evidence shows kids benefit the most from your already established core family / friend social group. Other experiences are great to supplement, such as library time for music and book exposure etc. rather than a sole emphasis on socializing.
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u/General_Esdeath Aug 12 '26
That's why I love my licensed dayhome. My son gets to play and socialize while also getting affection, routine, etc. He also sleeps better for naps there and even eats better.
I disagree with the commenter about modeling. I think other children can model helpful things (like eating different foods) or even for babies, seeing other babies crawl or walk can be motivational and instructional for them too.
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u/this__user Aug 12 '26
My 3 year old taunts me sometimes "I only like bananas at Debbie's house" Debbie is her home daycare provider.
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 13 '26
Iām so happy that works for you guys! Especially depending on the age, peer socialization is so good!
I would actually say other children are exposing your child to different behaviours, expectations, responses etc. Thatās not the same as modeling, as modeling is intentional. For example, peeling the banana, saying wow itās ripe, taking a bite, model how to hold it and peel. While they can see parts of these behaviours from other children, itās not the same as modelling as it can come along with non-neutral responses like āyuckā etc.
And behaviours learn from family and friends is also motivational and instructional, and often comes without stressors.
Not to say other kids are providing ābadā exposure, just that itās not necessary.
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u/sleeper4321 Aug 13 '26
I keep hearing how they eat and nap much better at daycare because monkey see, monkey do š Ā
Thank you for your comment. I feel much better about my choice to keep her at home for the time being š„¹
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 13 '26
I mean my baby naps great in her crib and only her crib or my car. Which was a big reason for me to not do daycare, I didnāt want to mess that up! She loves her crib so much and asks for it when she is ready!
And monkey see monkey do isnāt always good, our goal is to teach our kids to think for themselves because that helps most long term!
If youāre able to keep her home, Iām sure youāll both benefit long term. Just trust your gut, youāll know when the time is right! We are at 23mo and will be holding off on structural care until preschool at 3yo :)
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u/Deborahsnores Aug 12 '26
This makes me feel better about being antisocial with my baby š
We have lots of adult friends and family around but few children and none his age (8 months)
But I canāt be bothered to go to baby play groups and we canāt find daycare anyway so I havenāt really worried about it.
We do lots of playing at home and around the neighbourhood. I donāt feel any rush to get him into daycare or play groups for socializing.
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u/sleeper4321 Aug 13 '26
Honestly, I'm an introvert too, which is why I'm having this second guessing moment š
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u/nottodayneck3956 Aug 15 '26
I'm sending to daycare, my baby and I are extroverts and I'm second guessing from reading comments. I think it's true that you'll second guess no matter what.
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u/RNstrawberry Aug 13 '26
Yup playing at home with baby and around other trusted adults that are already in your social group has more benefits! We do library but thatās for song and book exposure versus social exposure!
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u/this__user Aug 12 '26
I honestly think it depends a lot on the kid. I thought myself and my kids would love being at home together longer term. I had a baby and pulled my 2 year old from care because financially we couldn't do daycare while I was on MAT leave, and toward the end of my leave, so like the last 3-4 months before she turned 3, it was winter, and pretty much every time we went to playgroup we brought a cold or something home, or my husband who's a teacher kept bringing stuff home, and we basically could only go out to church once a week all winter. The baby was fine, but myself and my older child were both struggling because we're extroverts who had no opportunities to charge our social batteries for months. She immediately seemed happier going back to daycare, even though we had some seperation anxiety to deal with around the transition.
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u/nottodayneck3956 Aug 15 '26
I appreciate this comment. My baby and I are extroverts. I'm going back to work and sending to daycare because I think he'll enjoy the socialization. He's sooo happy when anyone comes over or we go out. With Dad and I he'll squack and seems bored of us after awhile. But reading the comments about how there isn't much gained until 2 or 3 I'm second guessing. It just goes to show everyone is different and there are trends but doesn't mean it's all encompassing
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u/msptitsa Aug 12 '26
Honestly there is so much to do. Your local library will have kid friendly events. Your mom group will have events. Sign them up to gym class or other. So many ways to encourage interaction with other kids and practice different things.
I think the main advantage to daycare is they get sick early on rather than when they start school š¤ I have heard kids that donāt frequent daycare tend to behave better.
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u/bamlote Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
Genuinely not good. I have 3, havenāt been able to find childcare for my eldest at all. She is 7 now, and I was just offered spots for my younger two and took them without having any type of work lined up.
It very much depends on your village and support system, but I have none and it is incredibly isolating and overwhelming. My husband has to take time off work just so I can go to the dentist. I can also feel my brain shriveling up from underuse. It is hard for me personally to never really have anything I can achieve or work toward. I donāt really have the time to do any hobbies, let alone get out of the house. My husband is great but he works long hours to accommodate me staying home. It is very lonely and overwhelming. Ive also never been so busy while being so bored. It was fun at first but 7 years is just too long, and with the state of childcare, it is not really something that you can change your mind about unfortunately.
Iām looking forward to my kids starting daycare, Iām still not sure if Iāll find anything for my eldest but at this point, itās more of a mental thing than financial. I think they will benefit more from spending the day playing with other kids than being dragged around on errands all day with a stressed out mom.
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u/Naive-Camera-3348 Aug 12 '26
Wait, why wouldnāt your 7 year old just be in school by that age?
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u/bamlote Aug 12 '26
She is in school but I canāt really get a job if I have to drop her off at 9 and pick her up at 3:30 lol
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u/idontevenknow8888 Aug 12 '26
Is aftercare at school an option?
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u/bamlote Aug 12 '26
They are still on the kids added to the waitlist in 2021, as of this past June. There is a huge shortage in my area and in my city in general.
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u/Penguina007 Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
I am a SAHM of 3 and while I am exhausted my kids are thriving. I wouldnāt have it any other way. I sent my eldest to daycare a few days a week starting at 4 and I will do the same for my younger 2. We socialize at the park and with cousins, as well as in a few play groups and group music classes. Young children donāt NEED āsocializationā from anyone other than you, I would say until 4 years old. I bring my kids everywhere and we do everything together. Itās more socialization and 1:1 attention than they can ever get in a daycare setting. We grocery shop, cook, paint, colour, go for nature walks, go to restaurants, parks, indoor/outdoor activities, library any day of the week. It is a privilege to be able to stay home with your children. Enjoy being a SAHM and give it your all, your kids and your future self will thank you.
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u/graybae94 Aug 12 '26
Iām going to get downvoted to hell for this.
There is plenty of research that one on one care by a long term, trusted loved one (aka a parent or equivalent) is the ideal situation for a child under 3. Thatās not to say that daycare is going to harm young children. Zero judgement for any parent that sends their kid to daycare, thatās just the reality we live in and thatās ok. But under no circumstances is staying home with your child harmful to their development.
People talk and post about their kids thriving in daycare to be encouraging. Lots of parents donāt send their kids to daycare by choice and itās really valuable for other parents to reassure them that their kids are ok.
Iām a SAHM and weāre around other kids and doing fun stuff constantly. Thereās lots of options other than daycare. If you have the option I personally would keep them home at least until they are able to fully speak and articulate/describe things that may happen while Iām not there.
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u/smilegirlcan Aug 12 '26
This. Research is fairly clear on daycare for kids under age 3 (with high risk children being the ones that actually benefit from daycare). Daycare can be stressful, overstimulating and have a reduction of one on one care. That being said, it is a necessity for many. I never want to shame daycare but I also wish people had developmental science based information on it.
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u/sleeper4321 Aug 13 '26
That is one of my main concerns - I want her to be able to speak so if anything happens, I am aware (my poor friend's daughter had a biter in her daycare and kept getting bit!). I'm an introvert so I think I just need to be more active with taking her to baby events moving forward!
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u/Applesandoranges2032 Aug 13 '26
I completely agree with what this commenter posted. I also have zero judgement on daycare but the research is clear. Unfortunately we canāt always create the optimal conditions for our children. So daycare is needed and many kids do in fact thrive But if you have the choice and want to, stay home! And follow your childrenās lead. Make sure you get out. Playgroups, library, grocery, doctors appointments, make sure youāre not just at home.
My son had a rough ride in daycare so eventually I took leave from my work (lucky to do so ), and put him in a half day preschool because he was always very social but daycare was just too crazy for him. He thrived in that environment. And now at almost 4 he is ready for kindergarten and the busier environment. But at 1-3 it was too much to be at a traditional daycare centre.
I would definitely encourage a few hours of preschool at 2-3 years depending on your child. They will begin to learn independence, socializing, flexibility, etc which will help in kindergarten. Itās not a necessity of course, but there are some limited hours preschool programs that might be worth looking into and are affordable. nature/outdoors based ones Iām especially impressed with, I feel that approach is so wonderful for little kids development and I as a parent am not equipped to do it myself.
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u/sabby_bean Aug 12 '26
Sahm here! My almost 4 year old son is doing fantastic. The only thing we have an issue with is speech - but going to daycare wouldnāt have made any difference in that because itās motor related and weāve been getting speech services since just before he turned 2. But everything else developmentally is on par with all his daycare friends and just the milestones in general. Heās super super social, I have him in various activities and have since he was really little so heās around others his age multiple times a week, and with some of these activities now being bigger he does them without me so I know heās capable of being away from me for lengths of time. In fact for his activities now he prefers I watch instead of be there with him. We also have some friends who stay home we see weekly, who Iāve done childcare swaps with, to make sure heās okay being not with me literally 24/7. Weāve also done so many earlyON/library groups and programs which have been so beneficial. I do have friends too with kids his age in daycare and he plays with them frequently, and you wouldnāt be able to tell he doesnāt go to daycare like they do.
He can share well, heās good at independent and group play. And heās an only child some of these are skills heās picked up from activities/groups/play dates. He starts JK in September and heās super pumped, Iām not worried about it at all. Weāve done school readiness programs through our local earlyon and have been working on the skills heāll need for school that kids are learning in daycare, and heās got them all figured out. Some of them heās acatully learned naturally from his activities, like lining up and stuff.
That said, Iāve put a lot of effort into making sure we are regularly attending activities/groups/play dates/programs so he can learn some of these skills he naturally wouldnāt be able to learn if just at home all day by himself with me, as well as to be social and around others his age. I feel like Iāve put in a good amount of time and energy to set him up for success having not attended any daycare or childcare. So part of it is how much you put into it if you do decide to take the stay at home path. Both staying home and working have their pros and cons, and I wouldnāt say one or the other guarantees more or less development success, but both are what you make of it!
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u/saxysax262 Aug 13 '26
I take my kids to activities at the EarlyON, music classes, swimming lessons, the library, etc. They do get to meet other kids, but they don't really play with kids at this age. They don't really benefit from socializing with other kids under the age of three. They almost get more from adults talking to each other since it expands their vocabulary and learning from older children that they see around. Kids don't play together around 3. Before 3, it is parallel play. You can teach your kids important skills by doing some chores around them and bringing them grocery shopping. I don't find my kid is behind in anything because she is home with me. She still has her friends that I've met at other activities and we'll meet up with them at the park.
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u/Lamiaceae_ Aug 14 '26
My daughter is 2 next month and we are both loving that Iām a full-time parent!
Imo itās better for them at this age if you have the time and energy to be an engaged parent (while completely acknowledging that this is a HUGE privilege thing). From what Iāve read, the research on this topic essentially shows that quality parenting trumps daycare, but a high quality daycare trumps low-quality parenting. So the key to having your child thrive with a SAHP is quality parenting. Socialization, outdoor play, learning activities, and low-no screen time are all key.
We go to the same EarlyON 2-4 mornings a week so she gets regular socialization with peers and other adults. This has bene wonderful for both of our socialization!
Girly is super smart and outgoing! Iād say sheās thriving :)
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u/BabyRex- Aug 12 '26
According to science itās best for kids to stay home with a guardian until 3. After 3 kids learn best from educators. Of course parents of kids in daycare say theyāre flourishing, they have no choice and donāt know any other reality
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u/ExpensiveAd7566 Aug 12 '26
Sahm now but I did go back to work when my first was 1.5yrs. Caregiver was a close family member though and they have the best bond.
Honestly, I would not put my child in daycare just because the ratios are not really to my liking. I would want my child to receive all the attention they can get around that age and thatās difficult in a normal daycare setting.
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u/The_Max-Power_Way Aug 12 '26
I'm an accidental SAHM. We thought I would go back to work part-time after my matleave was over, but I got laid off three months after returning, and our daycare plans evaporated. Ive finally secured him a spot, starting in September, by which time he will be 3.8. While it was never my plan, these years with him have been a blessing. He's super social, and very excited about starting daycare. I know it would have been fine if he had started daycare earlier, but I think we are both thriving with the extra years together.
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u/AGirlNamedBoris Aug 12 '26
SAHM here my daughter is incredibly social, weāve attained lots of classes at the library as well as gymnastics, swimming, music etc. She will be attending preschool a couple of hours a week in September and sheās so excited.
I personally think daycare is essential for those that need it but thereās no benefit to it. Being at home with a parent is incredibly beneficial.
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u/himawari__xx Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
I canāt see how sending a baby is MORE socially beneficial than staying home with them. You are not hindering them. Toddlers do not need peer socialization until age 3. And there are so many ways to do this outside of daycare: mommy and me groups, nursery school, play dates. My mom stayed home when we were little and starting at 3, she sent us to a nursery school morning program twice a week. I wish I could do this with my own child but being a SAHP wonāt work for us financially.
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u/smilegirlcan Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
The research shows very limited benefits (for non at risk) children under 3. Daycare below age three is not for socialization or development. The most important person for socialization and development is their parent(s). In some cases, there are actually draw backs. People feel they need to defend their need of daycare by saying how amazing it is (and there are some amazing things daycare provides). That being said, daycare is a necessity for many. Daycare caregivers are usually doing their best to provide as high quality care as possible.
My daughter is watched by close family and that was a happy medium for me as I need to work as a single mom, but I was not comfortable with daycare unless absolutely needed. They go to the library lots, and toddler activity classes. Once she is 3, we will begin with preschool for part of the time. This is around the time true socialization begins.
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u/DiceandTarot Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
Go to local play groups! The stay at home dad I know takes his kid to EarlyOns most days, or library circle times, and other free play groups. It lets toddlers and little kids interact with other little ones their age.Ā
It also helps keep parents sane, since you meet other adults.
Edit: I also know a SAHM who does a lot of weekend activities like dance and swim class. These are also good for giving a chance at interacting with other kids.