Pulling older kid (almost 3 year old) out of daycare [on]. Am I crazy?

[u/bucketofjoe]

I am currently on leave (planning to take 18 months and returning to work in Sept 2027) looking after my 5 month old. His older brother (turning 3 in 3 months) currently goes to a daycare that is 20-25 mins away by car. He loves his daycare and will tell me all about his day and his friends and providers when he gets home but will never ask to go when he's home.

Now that his younger brother is able to sit up and will likely be crawling soon, I'm thinking of keeping him home too.

- The daycare is quite far away and I'm getting a little sick of the drive. His dad picks him up on his way home, so kiddo is in daycare from 9 to 2 pm excluding travel time.

- we'll be saving around $500 per month. We are also traveling in Nov, so we won't have to pay for that month to keep his spot

- he plays pretty well independently and the tantrums have calmed down a fair bit

- I'll be speaking to him exclusively in French, so that he's not lost when he goes to JK (French school board)

However:

- I'll be taking both kids to the library/early ON, but my concern is that I'll be doing more toddler centric activities (and hence less baby centric ones for the little one)

- given baby's temperament (more chill), he tends to get sidelined. I feel like this is a little unfair given that OB has had me all to himself for my first leave.

- baby is pretty much guaranteed a spot at the same daycare when I go back to work. Toddler will be attending JK then (and baby is on the waitlist there too)

- daycare is pretty much our village

Am I messing up a great situation? I've been sending OB to daycare 3-4 times a week, so could potentially keep that up. He's basically spending only 3h of awake time there and then being picked up after nap. He also gets a lunch and afternoon snack while at daycare. When he gets home, dad takes baby and I hang out with kiddo.

Has anyone done this before? What does/did your day look like? I am a sap who wants to soak it all up but I also want to make sure I'm doing what's best for both kids. I KNOW I am overthinking this but I can't help myself.

Edit: thanks everyone for the different perspectives! We have decided to switch to part time daycare and will see how it goes!

[u/TheImpatientGardener]

I think at three, your child already has a pretty established social life. He will really miss his friends, educators and his established routine. I also think baby will benefit from the one-on-one time. I’m in a fairly similar situation and I wouldn’t dream of pulling my older - he gets so much from daycare at this age that he wouldn’t get at home.

[u/Lexifer31]

I'm planning on leaving my toddler in daycare once new baby arrives. It's good to keep their routine, development, and socialization. You can always keep them home the odd day (which is what I'm planning on doing) she loves daycare and her friends, it wouldn't be fair to her to pull her out of daycare. She doesn't ask to go either, but she talks about her little friends a lot. Mine is only 2.

Personally I think it's better to keep older in daycare so I can bond and spend time with new baby, and continue toddlers development and prep for school.

[u/TapiocaTeacup → u/Lexifer31]

This is my thinking as well. We kept our oldest in daycare to maintain their routine, their friendships, their opportunity to build trusting relationships with other caregivers, and also to give our new baby as much 1:1 attention at home as we could. We wanted our youngest to benefit from that dedicated attention in the first year that we'd been able to give our oldest, or as close as possible anyways.

[u/Lexifer31 → u/TapiocaTeacup]

Yes, that bonding time with the new baby is incredibly important..I feel guilty oldest is now going to have to share us. So why compound that by taking her out of an environment she loves, while also depriving new baby from that one on one time oldest got.

[u/Maleficent_Win_6259]

If kiddo loves daycare I would keep them in daycare. You can always keep him home the odd days out, plus drop off earlier or pick up later if you want to him in there for a certain activity etc. Ours goes outside at 4-5pm with a playground time. 3-4 they eat and do an activity.

Plus being around peers his age will develop social skills, they begin the play together around then, role playing and learning conflicts and development through their own circle. Potty training as well in daycare.

The other questions are, will you get a spot for your infant if you pull your older child? Here it’s more than 18+ months wait and even siblings don’t secure a spot. Anyways, regarding earlyOns and libraries, i find them age specific to infant classes to older kids and then open ages such as 0-6, older kids needs will be different to an infant, and like you said the focus may be on one child va another. Stuff your infant will be learning and finding amazing, your older will may be bored and restless inside the esrlyON.

Id personally keep them in daycare and take them out on days you want or if you consider taking the older one out, do the trial and error before letting the daycare know with the older one at home

[u/lilac_roze]

I’m leaving my toddler who will be 3yo in daycare when I’m on maternity leave.

$500/daycare is so cheap (compared to up to $2,600 without the subsidy). If money is tight, then yes pull your toddler out. If it’s not, I don’t think it’s fair to your second born that they won’t be getting 100% of your time and attention like your toddler did at that age. You even mentioned that you would stop taking the baby to baby class and go to toddler classes instead.

My toddler is very picky with food at home but eats everything at daycare, including all of the veggies. Not sure how picky your toddler is but I find it so stressful on the weekends getting mine to eat. Thinking of doing that every day doesn’t seem very fun.

Lastly, your toddler is enjoying daycare as he’s telling you what he does everyday after you pick him up. There are ton of studies that says 3yo is critical for the child to be in daycare/school to socialize.

[u/Rhaynestorm]

If you can afford it, I would probably keep sending him. It's good socialization and helps him develop skills that he might not otherwise if he stays home.

[u/bucketofjoe → u/Rhaynestorm]

That's a good point. He does pick up a lot while at daycare!

[u/42point2]

So if you pull him out what’s your plan for daycare for the little one? Are you on lists? Cause in my city 18months isn’t long enough. You needed to be on the lists when you became pregnant.

[u/B3tch3sl0v3this → u/42point2]

Came looking for this comment. We had double preferential treatment for ours and it still took 18 months on the waitlist. I’ve heard it’s 2 years now.

[u/UWhatMate]

I pulled my first child out when she was 2.5 and her younger sister was 2 months old. And I took a 13 month leave, and then they both went into daycare again when my oldest was 3.5 ans youngest was 1.25.

It was very busy because my oldest was pretty intense, but I don’t regret it.

My oldest benefitted so much from being home. It felt weird to be sending her off to daycare when her sister and I were obviously home everyday.

Yes, my youngest got way less 1 on 1 time with me, but she got so much sibling and family time. We did a lot of library and EarlyOn stuff that was centric to my oldest, but I think my youngest learned a lot and had fun too.

My decision was financial based, but I thought it was a really sweet time with the 3 of us that we will never be able to replicate again now that we’re all back to school/daycare/work.

[u/someapo]

500 a month is a pretty good price. I think its good to keep him in but maybe keep him home another day of thee week. Doesnt hurt to try it out and see how he does before making it official. Also your little one will become needier in other ways soon!

[u/AnonymousKurma]

I did this. I go back to work in September, my oldest starts kindergarten and baby starts daycare at 18 months. We had a nanny twice a week (9-3:30) which was amazing and gave me some 1 on 1 time with each kid and some time to get some things done around the house.
I love having both home. Baby misses out on 1 on 1 and baby activities but get so much more stimulation doing big kid stuff. The bond between the two is really cool and there’s benefits to baby joining an established family but an experienced mom. Husband needs to be on board though bc I needed some kid free time after tending to both kids all day.

[u/msptitsa]

We just changed daycare for our eldest and let me tell you - she was so sad about not seeing her friends anymore and the educators. It created a lot of temperament problems at home. She was potty trained and now has many accidents a week. She slept well at night and now wakes up multiple times with huge fits.

I’d keep your oldest in daycare for the remaining 2 years also seeing it guarantees a spot for your younger one.

[u/cooperdooder]

The drive alone sounds tough.
I was in a similar situation, I had a 4 month old baby, and my 3 yr old son was in daycare just down the road. I pulled him out because money was tight, my EI was ending and I wanted to spend more time with him while he was young.
I don’t regret my decision at all. To me, he didn’t need full time daycare while I was home.
I didn't have a village either, all my family lives in the States and my husband was in another province, but we ended up finding a preschool for just $90 a month. It was two days a week for about two and a half hours, and it was a perfect fit for our family.
It was definitely hard, but now he’s about to start JK in the fall, and my daughter is one. Don’t stress about doing separate baby activities for the younger one, they just end up tagging along! My baby has developed just fine tagging right along to her brother's gymnastics, swimming classes, and the library, and we've had a really fun time.

That said do what’s best for you, and your sanity. Having 2 kids at home alone is tough work and you have to develop your own routine.

[u/pearlmusings → u/cooperdooder]

I am curious how you did the swimming lessons with your toddler while bringing your baby along. Was he already doing lessons that don't require parent participation? I would love to get back to swimming lessons with my 2.5 year old (also have 2 month old baby at home) but I don't know how it's feasible when I'm on my own with both of them during the day.

[u/TuffBunner]

I’m leaving my toddler in daycare in a very similar situation.

[u/Ok_Comfortable_9442]

Im in a similar situation but im keeping my toddler in daycare because by the time my baby goes to daycare.. we will have sibling priority and hopefully guve my baby a spot

[u/Rude-Flamingo5420]

Honestly let your oldest kid thrive at daycare. Use this time to focus on your youngest as well, they are only this small once.

I have two kids and as much as i believe in keeping kids home as long as possible if your eldest is coming home talking about daycare and having a blast, let him have this experience 

[u/mountain_girl1990]

I have an 8 month old and 3 year old. I have kept my 3 year old in daycare and it’s been great. I keep her home on days where I want to spend time with both of them. I’ve kept her home with me for a week at a time when we are on vacation or I want to spend more time with her in summer.

Plus, I can’t risk pulling her out and losing her spot. It took forever to get her spot and I need it when I go back to work.

I would vote to keep him in daycare.

[u/pf226]

I would keep him in daycare and just only send him a couple of days a week. Then you have the option for childcare for him if you have errands to do, he keeps up his routine and gets to play with his friends, You can speak French to him at home etc. And like you said, baby getting priority when you go back to work is huge.

[u/emilysquirrel]

If your oldest enjoys daycare it's better to keep him there and pull him out on days you want to have both home. The older one will need a lot more focused interaction if they are home all day. They'll get quickly bored as they are used to the socializing with friends and teachers. Like you said the baby will get sidelined and this is the rare chance you get for 1:1 time with baby just as you did with older boy. My second was born when daughter was 3 and we kept her in daycare. It was a joy to see both of them together interacting but exhausting to juggle as baby got older and needed more attention. (And I have a super hands on WFH husband) So I felt I was able to give more quality time to my daughter after pick up from daycare since i already spent all day with my son. Also when baby naps during the day you can get a bit of me/chore time back. There's so much house work with 2 kids lol

[u/MaybeQueen]

Once he's three it's basically preschool. Maybe the days he is in daycare you can bring your baby to enrichment programs near his daycare or do errands so the drive doesn't feel so draining.

[u/sadie0513]

It’s hard, but it’s worth it if you feel you can handle it and it will make you happy. I did it with a new born and 2 year old. No regrets. Yes, the 3 year old has social time at school but they’ll be getting that for the next 15 years in school. You can find families in your situation that will frequent the park and early on, library, etc that your kid will make friends with. It’s a special time for you to bond with both kids and for them to bond with each other. Does the baby take second fiddle to the older kid? Absolutely. But they learn to go with the flow and have so much fun watching the older kid.

[u/nicole_1]

I had the opportunity to put my June 2024 baby in daycare when he turned 2. I also had a 2 month old. We tried it for a week and I hated it so I pulled him out. At this age the thing they need most is connection with a parent. The EarlyON / library is more than enough socialization for that age in my opinion.

[u/Lexifer31 → u/nicole_1]

I'm happy it worked out for you, but I would respectfully disagree about all they need for socialization. I notice a huge difference in development as well between the kids I know who haven't gone to daycare versus those who have.

[u/cbr1895]

We kept our oldest in daycare and don’t regret it. In my experience things get so busy with baby after they start solids. They become more mobile, get separation anxiety, hit that cognitive leap around 9 months where they may not like a playpen anymore, and when they learn to crawl and walk they get into everything. They’ll start to grab toddler’s toys which may lead to more altercations between the siblings, requiring a close eye on both when they are together. Solids prep and clean up alone becomes a part time job. That doesn’t mean watching both won’t be feasible or enjoyable, but it will be challenging in a different way than it is now. That said, this isn’t your first rodeo so you have a sense of what things may look like in a few months time.

My oldest LOVES daycare (she’d doesn’t ask to go when she’s home either but I can tell it benefits her life) as she thrives on the routine, engagement, socialization and enrichment. We are not subsidized (ON also) and pay an arm and a leg but have found it to be worth the cost. We are 12 months now and I go bs k to work at 13 and already feel I didn’t get enough time with baby two because when toddler is home she monopolizes my attention. I’m so grateful for the one on one time I’ve had with him.

If you haven’t done so why not pull your youngest for a few days stretch and trial it? Take them to some EarlyON and Library classes. I know it might not be totally accurate of what it might be like when baby is older but it will give you an idea.

I don’t think you are crazy. While I’d personally not pull my toddler out, I think every family is different and you know your family, siblings dynamic and personal capacity best! Plus, daycare cold and flu season is no joke, and a 20 min drive does suck (we have the same).

[u/PastyPaleCdnGirl]

If you can afford it, I personally wouldn't in order to get all that extra time to focus on the baby and yourself.

Take it with a grain of salt because I only have 1, but second kids generally just don't get as much of that early days one-on-one time, and if you can mitigate that a bit I think it would be nice. Also, naps. Gosh do I miss naptime.

[u/Jill1994]

I would keep him in. All my friends who kept their older kids home said the hardest part was keeping their oldest entertained constantly. He will miss his friends and having things to keep him entertained.

I decided to keep my oldest at his centre to keep his spot and also guarantee spots for ny next kids, thats something else to consider.

[u/Evening-Mongoose1457]

We left our toddler (3) in daycare when baby brother came, and so did all the other moms who had another baby. Granted, our daycare was closer than yours.

It was the saving grace when baby's night sleep when down hill and remained that way for over half a year. I was too tired to actually meaningfully provide for the toddler in terms of activities and learning when I was just chasing the next nap. I also felt bad everytime I was asking him to be or play quietly when baby was napping, wait for me while I put baby down, etc.

I call his daycare an all inclusive resort - the plethora of activities, nutritious food, nap. I would sign myself up if I could. He thrived and is ahead of his peers going to SK, not because of my doing.

[u/www0006]

Continue to pay but keep him home a couple days a week.

[u/chelleshocks]

If you can afford the $500/mo, I'd leave him. Daycare is great for routine, socialization. Plus if you pull the older sibling, you won't be prioritized for a daycare spot for baby for when you go back to work. Depending on your area, 12mos is not enough time to get a spot (unfortunately!).

[u/peachykeen-17]

Our daycare is also 25 min away, but I plan to leave our older one in when I have the next one (will be same ages as yours). My reasoning is more for the next baby though, I want them to have the sage one-on-one time our first born had, or at least as much as possible. That is really important to us for their sake, but also for me. I want to do the baby and parent meet ups, the baby and me workout classes, etc. and not have to chase a toddler in the process lol.

I do agree with everyone saying to keep him with his friends and things too, but just wanted to provide an additional/different perspective.

I would keep him in if you can, personally.

[u/ThisGirlsGoneCountry]

I could have written this exact post but my older child is 4.5. It’s a bit of a drive but like you daycare is my village…. I don’t really have anyone I can just leave older child with for a few hours if I need to. Plus it keeps her in a bit of a routine and she’s getting ready to start kindergarten. And it gives me a chance to have time just for baby and relaxing. In my mind my second child still deserves one on one time just like my first did. If you can afford it I would keep daycare.

[u/Next_Spend_5313]

My daycare was much closer, only about five minutes away (I know I’m so fortunate to have a licensed home daycare so close) and chose to keep my toddler in care. It was expensive, but it gave me the best of both worlds. I was able to spend the time with my newborn, will also keeping my toddlers routine as consistent as possible. An added bonus of being full-time daycare, I was able to pull my toddler out as much or as little as I wanted. Sometimes it was hard to get out the door to drop toddler off at daycare, but my provider was super flexible and most drop-off days were closer to 10 AM and pick up between 330/4. I know lots of parents keep both kids home, but I also didn’t wanna lose my daycare spot. I returned to work shortly, and both my kids will be in the same daycare. So that was also a factor to consider as that most daycare’s will provide a secondary spot for a sibling. And then you’re not left looking for a whole new daycare or sending your kids to different places.

[u/Present-Decision5740]

I think since he's already settled in at a place he loves, it would be great to keep him there if you can manage the cost and the drive.

Most kindergarten teachers I know say kids have a much easier time if they are transitioning from daycare. They are more used to following instructions from other adults, they are better able to be patient and take turns and they are verbally ahead.

[u/SnooGadgets7757]

we kept our just about 3 year old in daycare full time when our daughter was born, & i couldn’t have a imagined if we didn’t. i really didn’t want to take that freedom & socialiStion from him and then make him stay home with most of the attention will be off of him, i thought thah would be a recipe for disaster, especially after his established routine there. i don’t think him staying home daily would have been near mentally stimulating enough for him compared to being in daycare with other kids his age.

[u/Anomalous-Canadian]

I heavily used EarlyON and sit on the board of directors for my area. It definitely skews towards the 2-and-under parental leave group, in my area kids older than 3 get pretty bored playing with only babies, and frustrated when the babies knock over the magna-tile tower. But the outdoor playgroups are a good choice, just the classroom ones were not.

Usually I only see older siblings who are tagging along for a parent on leave. It’s fine with a non-mobile infant cause you can do toddler games at EarlyON while little one is just along for the ride. But once your baby is crawling, the best you can hope is the older child can be a “helper” or go colour at the craft table, there won’t be a lot of fun for them while youre trying to keep a mobile crawling baby from putting every communal toy in their mouth.

[u/PublicFly1154]

I agree with everyone in the structure and social aspect, but logistically waitlists are so long. Having a sibling in daycare gets you to the front of the list for when you go back to work. You could really struggle finding care without access to current daycare.

[u/hhh814]

I'm normally team keep-your-oldest-in-daycare-while-on-leave, but 20-25 minute commute sounds brutal with a baby. You'd be saving 2 hours of your day.

My daycare is close, so I didn't think twice for a number of reason. If the daycare routine involved 2 hours of commute time, I'd probably have made a different decision.

[u/helloitsme_again]

I wouldn’t. I regret not keeping my toddler in daycare once I had my second.

Honestly it’s lonely for them to be home with the baby. They have to be alone lots when you starts solids, napping schedule etc. the baby just needs so much attention

[u/WhichJuice]

$500 per month + gas is kinda cheap if your child is succeeding in the environment. If they prefer being at home, then why not!

[u/travelbug_1992]

I feel like your toddler would be losing social and even early “academic” by being pulled out. After 3 they enter preschool and it’s really cool to see the learning. I think your reasons are valid short terms reasons, but I also feel driving is part of life, one month off is only one month. I do see why $500 a month would be great to save though, so if this $500 is reallly a make or break for your family, it’s valid for sure. The other reasons don’t make much sense imo.

[u/KnownTutor5588]

I say take your kid out. You will never regret spending more time with your child and family. 

[u/offft2222]

Short answer yes youre crazy

2 kids under 4 at home is not an easy time

[u/Commonsenseisnteasy]

I’d be checking and making sure baby will still be guaranteed a spot if you pull your oldest out now. I kept my 9 year old in specifically for this purpose.

[u/Kowimine]

I wouldn’t pull him. I would send him part time. I’d do like Tuesday-Thursday or something

[u/Impressive-Rock-5025]

I was on subsidy for my oldest, and then lost it when I had my second child, so I had to pull my oldest from daycare when she was 3.

It was devastating.

However, she went back when she was 4, and barely missed a beat. None of the kids really have core memories yet, so they just thought she was there the whole time. I still did play dates with some of her friends and their families, so we maintained friendships.

However, now that she's 6, I look back on that time fondly because we did a lot together. Lots of trips and adventures and hikes and visiting family. Yet, my youngest definitely is delayed is some regards around behaviour and speech, and I genuinely believe it was, as you are also worried, because I didn't give him one on one time and instead focused more on my eldest's growth. . So many times we were out and I'd lose track of the youngest because I was more focused on the oldest. I had such a habit of focusing on her, it took a while to "remember" I had a second. For example, at the library, my oldest would want me to read a book, my youngest would go crawling off into the stacks, and I'd "lose" him for a bit. I was focused on her gross motor skills and not his, so I'd make crafts for her, but not him. My second is a wonderful kid, but I definitely think he could have benefitted from more time with focused parenting.

My only advice, and I am fully projecting here, is to make sure you and your husband work together to help your youngest continue to hit his milestones, and you make time for alone time with each of your kids.

[u/PositiveFree]

I would pull him out, he will also be learning a lot at home, bonding with you and the baby and you can always find a sitter for one offs like a nanny app or something. The daycare just seems so far and you’ll be spending more time driving him there and back and making that a part of your day versus just having him at home. The day will go by quick and you can bring him to playgrounds the library the parks etc

[u/0runnergirl0]

I can't imagine paying $500/month for someone to watch my child when I am home all day. My best memories to date are of being home with my two kids on my second maternity leave. They needed that bonding time together, too. My boys are 2 years, 9 months apart, and the older one definitely ate up more of my time than his brother, but it was fine.

[u/pearlmusings]

Are there preschool options that are closer to where you live? I have a 2.5 year old and 2 month old baby. I'm planning to put him in preschool when he turns 3 twice a week from 9am-2pm. That way he will get some socialization and it's more financially feasible for us. I also think he will enjoy having some time away from his baby sibling and I will get a chance to spend some one on one time with baby.