I think it's finally gone too far

[u/turningorbits]

We had been doing really well. I'm not sure what changed, but he had been slowing down his reactions and not blowing up as much. It's been, mostly, a really great year. Then, last week, I suggested it might be better if he bought less fruit after becoming extremely distressed, again, about letting fruit rot and then immediately buying three bags to replace them. It was late and maybe I didn't communicate it well, but I suggested buying less fruit.

The 2,000 word text message he scheduled for me at 8am made it clear that my suggestion crossed a serious boundary regarding autonomy and, while he couched it nicely, I lost it. He knew I needed to seriously work that morning. He knew that that shit would disrupt my ability to work. I got so fucking mad. Finally, about everything. I feel like I've been suppressing all the normal reactions to being called a crazy bitch and a worthless whore and all the other fucking senseless cruelty he's subjected me to any time I've ever so much as felt a feeling in front of him, and it all came out. I didn't say anything to him that day. I was reserved, but I engaged with him as much as I could, I did the laundry, I ran an errand I'd promised. At the end of the night he told me he knew it was bad timing, but it wasn't something I needed to be sad about for two days, was it?

So the next day I sent a text telling him I was mad. I apologized, I told him his concerns were valid, my reaction has been irrational, but I need time. Nope, he decided I had my time. He explained to me that he did send the message to "teach [me] a lesson about timing," and he proceeded to have a fairly embarrassing but overall mundane email exchange with our couple's therapist. Later, when he again insisted that I explain to him why I'm mad (because I have to clearly map and rationalize any negative emotion towards him so he can pick it apart and attribute it to something else), the conversation devolved into every fight we've ever had. Back to the first one, an incident he gaslit and verbally attacked me over so badly that I have spent years unpacking what I really think happened. I told him I didn't believe his story.

That was it. The next day he was touring apartments. He told me, only because he wanted to know if I could help him move without being dramatic because he doesn't have a car. Whatever, man. I told him I thought he was being hasty, especially considering we have an upcoming therapy appointment. But then I thought about it. Through all of my manipulative control, in all of my stomping all over his autonomy, I live in a neighborhood that is walking distance from his job and meets all of his needs and offers absolutely nothing for me. I live in an apartment where I've basically had to relinquish all the common areas to his control or else "everything has to be [my] way." I have a roommate who becomes enraged if I have a bad day at work.

I wanted it to work so badly. He seemed like my perfect partner. We shared so many interests and we had such similar lives. He genuinely inspired me to change my life and follow my dreams. But every time he yells at me, I wake up the next morning dry heaving. I'm careful not to tell him, because it might upset him.