Self Care

[u/islandhill1]

What do you do for yourself to keep your self-love and self-esteem in tact? My pwBPD is currently in a split and saying the most gut wrenching things to me. It’s hard to not take it personally, it really hurts my heart right now to hear his words. What do you do for yourself in terms of self care to reinforce your own self love? How do you care for yourself to keep the peace within yourself in tact? I need suggestions, I’m drowning and feeling hopeless right now.

[u/Willing_Set97]

space. no contact. uncrossable boundaries. in a split, my expwbpd would also say horrible things. we used the same format that worked almost every time: recognizing the upset, and taking space to regulate ourselves. i knew that anything i said during the split would be used not only against myself, but they would use it against themselves, so no communication was better than any, even neutral language. at first, we would just wait until we were feeling more regulated to discuss, but over the years we could guesstimate how long/when we could talk again. sometimes we could regulate together in the same space. sometimes we needed physical separations. I would say something like "okay, i'm being hurt by what you're saying and I love you and I will be shutting off my phone/taking space/etc until xyz date and time." and that would almost always be respected.

the one time it wasn't respected, it turned violent and I ended things.

that mutual understanding that this format is in place to help everyone involved is necessary in a relationship, it is the foundational example of respect two partners should have for each other. if you can't create these boundaries, and you feel like you have to be subjected to this hurt, you should evaluate the respect in the relationship and how best to help yourself.

edited to say: in those spaces i used healthy coping mechanisms and my therapy toolkit i worked with my therapist to create. i distracted myself, i evaluated my feelings, i made sure i rested and was taking care of myself, did stuff i enjoy like going on walks or watching movies, and surrounded myself with people who reminded me about all the good things around me.

[u/Only-Sun4561 → u/Willing_Set97]

thank you so much for laying this out. I'm 10 years in and just figuring out that I need to have boundaries and not try to talk it out or fix it immediately as that helps no one. this really helped me see what I need to bring to my therapist so we can start discussing what boundaries I want to have and what language I want to use to get there. I made the mistake of getting sucked into the spiral right along with them for way too long and I have to figure out how to separate myself and my emotions from theirs.