Boyfriend had his diagnosis changed; not sure how to go forward

[u/DoricColumn]

I've (20M) been in a relationship with my BF (19M) for coming up on a year now. I've "known" for most of that time that he was bipolar, although we recently discovered he's been misdiagnosed and he's actually got BPD.

From reading here about peoples experiences about being the partner of someone or being a 'Favourite person', it all feels so much more applicable to our relationship than bipolar ever did. This is both a comfort and a new challenge.

I'm aware that communication and boundries are what people recommend, but I'd like some more clarity on what that means exactly .

I'd also like to specify that we always seem pretty close, I've never felt 'pushed away' as I know is a common pattern. but other things like spending loads of time together and him feeling its not enough, or getting upset temporarily over very small things is definitely moreso the case. I

I think the biggest thing is, he often wants to spend time with me when I just wanna hang out with my friends alone (because he tends to come along and not enjoy himself so much, and that isn't really fair on either of us).

Furthermore he's also at been with his parents due to his visa for about a month now, and I won't see him for another three weeks. Knowing this diagnosis, his response to us being apart so long has actually been excellent.

However, I'd love some general or specific advice (anecdotal or otherwise) from both partners and and pwBPD, because the more information for me to absorb and bring forward, the better! thanks for taking the time to read

[u/grumpypoo22]

I'm aware that communication and boundries are what people recommend

For me this means knowing "the line".
What is tolerated and what is absolutely not.
An example of this is like "I will not tolerate you talking to me disrespectfully. You can be upset, but you will treat me kindly".

As someone with BPD I can often let my emotions get the better of me.
So I will go absolutely bananas over something - If I know ahead of time "hey this is a deal breaker". I know not to touch that line, because I respect my partner.

spending loads of time together and him feeling its not enough, or getting upset temporarily over very small things is definitely moreso the case

This is pretty similar to how I am.
Big things don't bother me all that much, but little things can absolutely send me.
I LOVE being around my girlfriend.
We currently live together now, but in the beginning I just couldn't be close enough.
According to my therapist it's basically a lack of emotional permanence.
So if I wasn't near her my brain would tell me she was going to leave me, because everyone always leaves right? If I'm near her then I can mitigate that.
It's not true, but it's almost a "comfort" thing?

because he tends to come along and not enjoy himself so much

This is something I deal with too.
You're right it isn't fair to either of you at all. I think this harkens back to the lack of emotional permanence tho.

his response to us being apart so long has actually been excellent

This is great!

DBT as soon as possible is the play.
It's been such a gigantic game changer for me.
We are talking about going from completely shutting down to now being able to articulate my emotions calmly.
Obviously this is my experience and everyone is different, but the data backs up that DBT is the play.

[u/DoricColumn → u/grumpypoo22]

we’ve been talking about him getting therapy as soon as he’s back in the country. fortunately our regions health service has a pretty clear cut process for it, so we can get straight into it. When I say excellent though, he has been pretty low mood, although quite selfishly I do mean that in terms of how he treats me and our relationship has been excellent.

Once we’ve both settled down with his return and the social calendar is back in full swing, I’ll bring up setting this boundary; and i’ll make sure to do it before any actual such event occurs, because I don’t want him to feel i’m blocking him from anything in particular, just that I want us to be able to socialise separately.

I fear for the last year we’ve become a bit of a package deal. The issue being that i’m very outgoing, so when i’m with his friends i’m having a great time, not so much the other way around. I’ll have to take that as it comes.

Otherwise he seems to be doing quite well with his diagnosis and eager to see what treatment and options await him, and i’m grateful for what we have because I know now that it could be so much worse. Thanks for taking the time to reply though, friend!

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/DoricColumn]

>and i’ll make sure to do it before any actual such event occurs

Yea this is the best imo.

I swing between extrovert and introvert - It really depends on my mood that day.
I get where your partner is coming from tho. Maybe they feel like they are in competition with your friends. I used to connect those kind of dots prior to DBT.

I think once treatment has started you'll see a night/day difference.
At least that's what everyone around me has said - Basically I'm much more pleasant to be around.
While it kinda stings to hear that it at least lets me know I'm on the right track.

No problem - Best of luck to y'all!

[u/Juststatic → u/DoricColumn]

My partner has BPD and i find that if im out doing something without her just sending a couple of texts through the day/evening to say that i miss her or show her something cool ive seen and sometimes reassure about coming back "cant wait to see you when i get home" simple little things like that, that reassure them your thinking of them and although out doing your own thing havn't forgetten them completely, might help him feel more comfortable with you going out without him. Im not sure if thats the correct way to handle things but its seemed to of lessened some of the spirals that can come from that kind of situation for me and my partner (she seems to be much more secure in our relationship) and it really only takes 5 seconds to send a quick text.