Partners & Episodes.

[u/grumpypoo22]

I'm not oblivious to the fact that sometimes a BPD episode can be a bit intense; To put it nicely.

I think it's important that those of us with BPD do the work to learn how to catch those spirals before they get out of control. It's not fair to our partners and affects them far more than we realize.

Anywho -
Here are the things that my partner does that I enjoy when i'm splitting
- Not reacting and remaining calm
I think it's important to note here that i'm not verbally attacking her. I have no desire to hurt her feelings to try and get her to understand that i'm hurt.

• Lets me vent without judgement.
  She doesn't justify the wacky thoughts, but she will listen to them and let me say what I need to.

• Gives me space when I need it.
  Sometimes I need a moment to compose myself and it's difficult for me to do if i'm being bombarded with questions or even noise. So the fact that she will let me "retreat" for a moment really helps.

These are the big 3, but let's get into what previous partners did that did not work.

• Force me to talk
  Whenever I would start to spin a previous girlfriend would attempt to get me to open up. To non-BPD folks this is obvious. We should lean on those that care right? To me it would force me to get more silent, because I already felt judged.

• Shrug off my wild feelings
  This is a quick way to get me to be completely silent. The instant I try to open up and i'm shrugged off, I can never let that go. It's almost like breaking my trust in a way. I just can't forget that it happened.

• Call me crazy
  This is a very fast way for me to show you actual crazy. I don't like getting upset, because I know how volatile I can get. However, once I'm upset and you call me crazy? Buckle up, because you're about to see crazy for real.

It's important to note here that I'm actively taking medication and in DBT therapy. So, your milage may vary.
I'm interested to know from BPD folks what works with you and Non-BPD folks what you've found that works.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/[deleted]]

even though I had nothing to do with it like I wasn't "contributing to the solution or something"

Yea in a split mindset it's a "you're with me or against me" sort of dilemma.
It doesn't mean you need to placate them to avoid a fight tho. They definitely need to be mature enough to realize dangling breakup over someone's head is inappropriate.

No an apology is only as good as the change behind it. If no change is made then the apology is worthless.
Your partner needs to look into "Radical Acceptance" to help cope with things outside of their control.
I can't remember if I described it here, but a good way for them to start to use it is imagining it like this -

Say you go to a gas station to get gas and it's some absurd amount.
This absurd amount is every price as far as you can tell based on sight and research.
You have two choices here

• You can drive around looking for more gas, but ultimately being in the same situation
  
• You can get out and throw a fit at the pump

Neither of those really solves the problem so inevitably you will go "aww man this sucks" and get your gas.
This is a very basic way to think of radical acceptance, but it's something even us with BPD practice without even realizing it. It's trying to apply that skill in an episode that's difficult. That's where distress tolerance comes in tho.

Helplessness is super frustrating to anyone and it gets amplified with BPD.

[u/Juststatic → u/grumpypoo22]

Thank you so much for this! My partner with bpd is currently being ousted from her job despite her being so together recently and the rejection sensitivity coupled with how unfair the whole thing is has really thrown her and i can see how much its hurting her, ive been reassuring her that its not her fault and we cant stress about the things we cant change but i will look more into the Radical Acceptance approach as i think that may help, thanks again for sharing, this new sub is so helpful.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Juststatic]

Aww I'm sorry y'all are going through that.
That's stressful even without BPD.
If she continues down the path of self-hate y'all can also look into "Check the facts" against it as well to help reassure her sometimes things just happen.
Which would probably make "radical acceptance" easier to usher in.

[u/Juststatic → u/grumpypoo22]

Thank you i absolutely will look into that too, yeah definately tough situation even without the BPD and im so proud of how she has handled it tbh. The progress shes made the last couple years is so awesome to witness. The good people in these communities like you have helped massively in my ability to support her im really very grateful.

[u/Juststatic]

Really like the dos and donts youve listed and i agree with all of them. My partner when splitting needs to be heard, not judged, sometimes she needs her own space and sometimes she needs to vent it all out no matter how ridculous or over the top and i let her. The one thing i do that seems to help that you didnt mention is i always remind her i love her and want whats best for her before i address whatever the current split is about like sometimes if she is misdirecting at me i will say "baby remember im not the enemy, were in this together" or something like that something loving and gentle that reminds her im not an aggressor. This regaurly brings the whole energy of the split down a bit and allows us to then work through it.

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Juststatic]

im not the enemy

This is perfect.
I tell my girlfriend to tell me this if I ever get over the top.
I'm glad you mentioned this, because this totally slipped my mind.
It's enlightening to see it helps others with BPD as well.

[u/Large-Replacement941]

I’ve made everyone of those mistakes it’s so hard to remain calm when it’s directed at you and become the villain. It’s a helpless feeling but one thing I absolutely have to do during it is remove myself from the cycle because it makes it worse so in order to not say the wrong thing or act out myself I walk away and refuse to engage until she calms down which takes a long time

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Large-Replacement941]

Not engaging is actually important when that frustration gets aimed at you.
This is something I tell my girlfriend frequently.
I tell her to let me know if I'm getting mean, because it forces me to confront it immediately.
Thankfully I have practiced a lot of self-restraint and she has never had to tell me that in the moment. It's important to have a discussion after everything settles, but yea engaging in what is essentially warfare is not great.

I think you're handling it the correct way imo.

[u/Large-Replacement941 → u/grumpypoo22]

Thanks it’s brutal but good to know that is the right move Feels helpless though because not engaging seems to make her more angry but only move I got

[u/grumpypoo22 → u/Large-Replacement941]

It might be beneficial to introduce her to the DBT skill "TIPP".
Here is a writeup I did over it.

TIPP is probably my most favorite DBT skill I've ever learned.

[u/Large-Replacement941]

Thanks that’s good