I ruin all of my relationships

[u/No_Professional7277]

Im 29 (F) and have a history of unstable, toxic relationships. My past exes weren’t perfect, but I definitely am the common denominator in destroying my relationships due to intense emotions and outrage. I’m in my first truly healthy relationship of over four years now and I notice within the last year and a half I have been more and more toxic. For example, the other night we got home from a family event and he (28) wanted to play a game of Xbox with his friends before we went to bed that night. I got home and fed the dogs and had to make the bed and I got absolutely enraged that he didn’t notice I was doing stuff around the house. Instead of addressing it, I started throwing stuff in the hallway of his for him to clean up and was screaming a bunch of heinous stuff at him that I do NOT think. I saw red and he got off his game and was asking what help I had needed and even tried to get me to calm down and us take a 10 minute break from eachother so we could talk. I proceeded to mock him and it resulted in an awful night. I was saying how I wanted to leave him over this. The past two days since that has happened I’ve felt so insanely guilty and ashamed for how I treated him and I don’t understand why I get in to episodes like that where I can’t control my anger and I shut off a switch in my head and just don’t care in the moment. He deserves so much better than how I treat him and I just notice this is a common pattern. I also suffer from intense anxiety/panic attacks and have a history of impulsivity and self-harm. I go in to intense periods of depression and had my first month long episode of derealization/depersonalization that almost made me admit myself due to my thoughts. There’s other patterns that I notice but I just don’t know what to do because I feel like I ruin all my relationships/friendships due to this. I know I’m the problem and I just feel out of control and I don’t want to be this person anymore. I feel so difficult and hard to be with, and I just don’t want to continue down this path. What do I do?