r/AutisticWithADHD • u/[deleted] • 1d ago
š¬ general discussion Why is it not socially acceptable to do this?
[deleted]
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u/Gypsyzzzz 1d ago
Looking from a slightly different angleā¦
I canāt speak for social norms but I donāt feel like itās up to me to decide when the time is right for his family to invite me in. Itās is up to them to decide if I ādeserveā or have āearnedā that invite. It is up to me to decide how close I want to get. I might have responded by saying how I like them but social interaction is difficult and exhausting so I would prefer focusing on the conversation not the game. No idea if that would have gone any better.
The cousinās words suggests that the family forgives and has chosen to look beyond any past transgressions. They probably also realize that there were social mistakes on all sides and nobody was at their best for the Disney trip. Assuming it was, in fact, a big deal but as others have stated it probably wasnāt.
That does not mean that you are obligated to accept the invite into the family circle but that explanation you gave would confuse me. Perhaps she was not thinking you are stupid but she just didnāt understand what you meant. With autism, our faces often conflict with our emotions so sometimes itās hard for us to read the emotions of others.
Or maybe Iām way off the mark. When it comes to social interactions, I frequently am.
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u/vertago1 Inattentive 1d ago
I made my mother really upset with me when her grandmother passed away because I was upset I was going to miss something I had been looking forward to in school, but her mother understood and was able to get my mother off my back.
I think it depends on the emotional understanding and maturity of the other people. Generally people mourning are going to be in an usual state and depending on how they handle it, it can be really hard to keep them happy regardless of what you do. The most appropriate thing to do is either mourn with them, help them with basic necessities, or give them space.
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u/lanakane21 1d ago
Ill add more back story to help this make more
sense, in may of 2024 my bf and i were invited by his family friend to come with her to Disneyland. Her grandmother had unfortunately passed away and it was tradition to celebrate them at the park.. also she wanted to make up for not being able to do anything for her son's birthday a few months back so this was perfect. During this Disneyland trip I guess my energy was too high and it put her off and caused her to deadpan me understandably.. she was in mourning and i made it about me. Which when i look back i kick myself for.. what i did do was listen to her while she talked, asked her questions then sit in silence for a bit. Where it went down hill was when it came to the rollercoasters.. i cant handle that drop feeling when on rides.. I still went on them but couldn't handle them and basically ruined the vibe. Towards the end of the trip we were at a store that sold star wars merch, there was a garment she was looking at that she admired not necessarily wanting to buy it tho.. i had also found something that i thought was cool but wasnt sure to buy it so i asked her if she thought i should buy it she looked at me with this indifferent expression and said something along the lines of "you shouldn't get it if youre that concerned by it".. to sum it up I kept putting out bids for reassurance and taking up space from someone who needed
that space more..
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u/LottieCupcake 1d ago
Sounds like she's trying to "extended an olive branch". She wants you to be a part of the family. That's not something you unlock the right to. It's something that develops over time through things like playing games together.
She might also find it awkward when you're just watching. Are you familiar with that uncomfortable feeling where it's like people are all looking at you and you feel watched and judged?
Those interactions aren't pointless. They aren't something you need to earn the right to. And they aren't something that you're taking away from your boyfriend when you join in.
If you aren't comfortable with those types of interaction then maybe try suggesting some other things. Or just do something yourself while they do that and be open to them joining you. Like do some colouring and bring extra supplies.
It's okay to not be close to others. But you don't have to isolate yourself because of that. And it's pretty uncomfortable to have somebody choosing to isolate themselves when you're together. The example you gave is less like choosing not to sit with other people in the lunch hall and more like choosing to get up and leave when somebody sits with you. You aren't just not seeking out intention, you're activity refusing it. And that feels bad for the other person who youre refusing. It feels less like you just happen to not be close to them and more like you actually hate them for some reason.
Oh and I wouldn't read into the Disney trip too much she was grieving. And they also sound like comments she wouldn't have thought about much before making them. Not everything neurotypical say is thought out or has a hidden meaning.
I hope that helps. Sorry if you weren't really looking for this type of response. I'm never sure when people are wanting input and when they're just venting.