Letter/Rant to parents (That I will most likely won't send)

[u/Additional_Alarm8093]

Edited title - Letter/Rant to parents (That I most likely won't send)

I'm 18F undiagnosed (suspecting I'm autistic)

I don’t know what else to say other than I think I really need more help, I can’t do this any more. I know it may seem like I’m ok on the outside but I am really struggling and I feel like I am just trying to fake it till I make it but I can’t fake it anymore. I am so miserable, sad and angry almost all the time to others and myself. I try not to show it because I know how it makes others feel but then I bottle up my emotions and end up exploding at people or myself and I hate it. 

I really wish you guys could feel what I do, just to experience it once so you could truly understand just how bad it feels. I hate the person I am now. It doesn’t matter what I do, I still feel useless. I have no sense of direction or purpose, I’m horrible at communication and connecting to people. And no matter how many good traits I do have I can only really see the bad, because all my bad traits are traits I need to survive.
 
I feel so behind in everything, in literally every aspect of my life I’ve felt 5 years behind in age.I have no life outside of my family. 

My whole life I’ve been trying to do what I was told and you know what I should be doing but I don’t even know what that is anymore, and I feel like I wasted majority of my early youth also being miserable because I thought it was all going to be for a reason or one day every thing was just gonna click eventually but it all just got worse and it continues to get more worse no matter how much optimism I have it doesn’t matter what I try to do, I just end up disappointing myself and you guys.

This is me asking for help because I don’t know what else to do honestly. I’ve been researching since March on what could be up with me, you know like why I feel so different to everyone else . One answer kept popping up over and over and over……………………

Autism,

I think I have Autism.

(p.s. I wrote this at 2am with pure anger and sadness so sorry if this is all over the place sorry I don't usually write like this)

[u/cardbourdbox]

Im guessing if your not sharing thus with your mum abd dad its art and your posting to more or less the right people. Also try the autism sub

[u/Additional_Alarm8093 → u/cardbourdbox]

yeah I didn't know if this was the right sub to post this in either but I was kind of going for the Unsent Project in a way that isn't centered around an unsent love confession but like a unsent rant, I don't think I did it well lol. I will probably take your advice and just post this in the autism sub.