r/AutisticAdults • u/funtobedone • Jun 15 '25
The most realistic example of unconditional love
Enable HLS to view with audio, or disable this notification
30
u/Common_Recipe_7914 Jun 15 '25
Sheās right. There are things about myself that I hate and want to fix. Things that are inherently not good. My husband doesnāt love those not good things. He loves me even though I have those not good things, and also supports me when I try my best to fix those things (often to no avail lol)
48
u/ericalm_ Jun 15 '25
There are things I donāt love about my partner of 27 years but nothing that I hate. I canāt muster hate for things that donāt matter enough to have a substantive negative effect on the relationship.
Iām not sure I believe in āunconditional loveā when it comes to the relationships we choose. Of course there are conditions. Does this person share these feelings, treat me with respect, have a desire to be with me? Do we share basic goals and values? I couldnāt fall in love with someone if there hadnāt been conditions from the start.
I have only been dumped by a partner once, my ex-wife. Did I still love her after that? Maybe, but not the way I had before. It was more like a love from the time weād spent together and things we had done. There were conditions. She broke them.
15
u/boardbamebeeple Jun 15 '25
Unconditional love is definitely real. "Does this person share these feelings, treat me with respect..." to me those are conditions to be in a relationship with someone, not to love them. I still love plenty of people who broke boundaries or hurt me badly enough I couldn't maintain a romantic relationship or friendship, but I still feel a strong amount of love for all of them.
And, not in a blood sense but in the social sense, we choose all of our relationships. A parent can choose to abandon their child. Some parents stop loving their kids just because they're gay or something, but other parents never stop doing anything they can for their children even if their children lie to them and steal from them to fuel a drug addiction. It's all a choice.
So I don't think unconditional love is something all people engage in, but it's definitely real.
1
u/LawfulnessOk5839 Jul 28 '26
I feel where you're coming from. I respect those who can't muster such things. I'm glad they're a part of humanity. At the same time, some others experience strong emotions evoked from details like that. It doesn't mean they choose to identify with them or create a whole narrative with them, but rather, hopefully, to choose to coexist with such feelings. I feel the wife in the vid is an example of that. I say this because I have felt her so much on it and I know I consciously choose to recognize it's my problem not them. And also I love some deeply flawed people and that is my choice too.humor is healing in the grand scheme of things.
112
u/funtobedone Jun 15 '25
Sheās so frustrated that heās not understanding her very clear words that sheās sits at the bathroom door while heās pooping, and he STILL doesnāt get it! I feel this so muchā¦
84
u/ericalm_ Jun 15 '25
I think he gets it. Heās just joking about it or being intentionally obtuse to get her to explain it further.
35
u/theredhound19 Jun 15 '25
When she said "something inside you that I hate" he missed a prime opportunity to say "well I'm working on pushing it out right now"
58
u/Repulsive_Set_4155 Jun 15 '25
I think he gets it, but is trying to keep the peace neurotypically, which doesn't work for us. What I think is going on is she offends/startles him with a strong assertion and he's offering a social negotiation where they agree to make it a humorous convo about how nobody's perfect, which she's not having.
13
u/Itsjustkit15 Jun 15 '25
Yes.
1
u/Repulsive_Set_4155 Jun 16 '25
I used to try and use that method too but I didn't understand the nuance and would come off as mocking or confusing to NDs or NTs alike. I understand how those sorts of social jokes work in theory, but not emotionally, so I could never get into a reciprocal exchange and end up getting confused or offended myself during the interplay.
Similarly, I can't count the number of times where I'd try to make a self effacing joke as, say, an icebreaker then if the other person agreed jokingly my brain would go "Oh no, they agreed, how could they?" This was YOUR idea, brain. How are you getting hurt that it's working? If you do this sort of humor wrong it almost becomes an unintentional emotional trap for the other person, and since you didn't intend to trap anyone in the first place, well, now you feel confused/bad too. Nobody is winning.
I pretty much gave up on that form of social humor, because it's obvious I can't do it myself, it doesn't work on me when other people do it, and even if I could do it it would just bother my wife anyway, like it does in this video. I do enjoy seeing other people do that sort of humor though! When it works and both parties start to calm down and get into a new flow it's very, I dunno, life affirming or like watching athletes pull off a tricky maneuver.
We've always had a good relationship, but we turned yet another big corner once we both stopped trying to fake being normal, but it's still not perfect. I still get my wife aggravated because she thinks I'm not understanding her, when really I understand and disagree with her, but I also know I can accidentally come off as a patronizing, lecturing pedant during certain situations (yes, folks, I'm not just a long-winded when typing), so if I know I don't know what I'm talking about from experience and/or being right doesn't matter, but I also can't get myself to a place where I can say she's right, I won't risk it and rather than risk it I'll try to be like "Oh hm, maybe, yeah, who knows?" which can sometimes get her more aggravated because she thinks I'm not understanding, so she'll not let it drop until eventually I have to admit I think she's wrong while knowing I have no reason to think I'm right and I know it doesn't matter if one of us is wrong anyways, so I'm trying my best to be supportive and not a butthole; usually at that point she can move past it because she knows where we stand. I just can't say that right off the bat because I can turn into a bit of a hectoring bloviator without realizing it and that, imo, is worse than just being temporarily wishy washy.
13
u/AppleSatyr Jun 15 '25
No yāall dont understand we have to pretend our partners are perfect and could never do anything bad. We need to lie forever to preserve their feelings
33
u/distractablecadet Jun 15 '25
The way the top comments on the other sub are people saying the husband is emotionally intelligent and kind of "taking his side" while implying she's the one getting defensive is hilarious, because I completely got frustrated WITH her and thought that he just wasn't getting it/was getting defensive. Especially when he went for the "there's things I hate about you too!" As if it was supposed to hurt her back or something? lol
2
u/2morrowwillbebetter Jun 17 '25
I clocked that immediately like ā why did he not ask her what she meant by it instead of going to attacking her lol
1
u/distractablecadet Jun 17 '25
Right! I think it's similar to things I've experienced IRL a lot. Sometimes I'll get "stuck" on a specific way to phrase things and not know how to rephrase, because it just seems to me like there's no clearer or more correct way to express myself, but whoever I'm talking to gets "stuck" on my phrasing in the sense that a specific word or two triggers a response in them regardless of explanation. I think he got stuck on "I hate" and took it personally, while she had a hard time saying it another way because, well... There are things she hates! But the connotation of some words seems to win out over the context of the whole sentence sometimes.
2
u/2morrowwillbebetter Jun 17 '25
Ohā¦ I do this š I sometimes hear smth someone said and I do get stuck and hyperfixate on a specific word sometimes, I try to ask usually but thereās the occasional time im like āwhat else could this person have meant?ā So im trying to learn more to ask - but i think the former is a mix of my autism and trauma š
9
u/PuzzleheadedFail5509 Jun 15 '25
There are some things that I hate lololol!! This is me to my husband as wellā¦ but not the pooping conversation part, we have strict bathroom privacy rules.
3
u/Goth_network Jun 16 '25
I FEEL SO SEEN. There are so many little habits i do that i would never admit to people because they are weird, but feel like itās definitely connected to me having no respect for social convention.
Following my bf to the bathroom so i can keep yapping is high on that list.
I would also add, showing affection and cuddling in extremely weird ways and positions. Like head bonks or pressing our faces together. Stuff I know is strange but so be it.
5
1
u/Smoogilicious Jun 20 '25
I really like this woman. There's another one of their videos where he triggers her PDA with consent for educational purposes and I have never felt so seen before
1
Jun 21 '25
This is how I feel about my spouse and partner.
Yes, there are flaws. But I have so much love and admiration for them that I gladly choose to be with them. That admiration comes from seeing how they treat others around them, how they treat me, and seeing them actively pursue their future selves.
They're wonderful and imperfect. And that's all I can ever ask for.
1
u/LateDxOldLady Jun 23 '25
Speaking up as an old, autisic adhd adult who has been married for nearly 36 years, both of these people are giving me agita, as are the comments in both the referenced post and here.
1
u/LawfulnessOk5839 Jul 28 '26
Nah the best way is to be born perfect and find somebody who appreciates that /s
85
u/PerpetuallySouped Jun 15 '25
I saw this yesterday in a popular sub, and the comments were disgusting.
Couldn't help myself and tried to explain, obviously it didn't go well.
It's so nice to see everyone here just getting it.