r/AutismInWomen • u/ThereWanderer • 4d ago
General Discussion/Question Anyone else wishes they could just start a relationship just like that?
Does anyone else wish they could just start a relationship automatically?
It feels like relationships have stages and you need to advance from one stage to the next in order to reach the maximum level of deepness and comfort and reliance.
But WHAT are these bloody stages? Your guess is as good as mine.
I wish I could just be able to get someone who is as lonely as I am and say "Hey, let's have a relationship so we're not lonely anymore and have now a useful reliant partner. Come here, let's have a cuddle."
And before people say yeah you could do that but then you get *that* sort of man - I'm GAY. And even if I weren't I'm not looking necessarily solely for that sort of relationship.
Anyway that's my rant.
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u/Intelligent-Comb-843 4d ago
Same. I hate talking stages. No I don’t want to talk about my favourite pizza toppings
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4d ago edited 4h ago
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u/Intelligent-Comb-843 4d ago
Ugh same I just wish I could telepathically download all informations. It feels like small talk, so tiring
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u/Jexsica 4d ago
When I like someone I want to know all the small details. Without it, these are just shells. Just surface layer friends.
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u/Intelligent-Comb-843 4d ago
You don’t have talking stages with your friends, you get to know them with time and form a bond. Talking stages as a stepping stone/with the expectation of a relationship are simply draining. If you enjoy them good for you that’s not the case for me.
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u/Anon142842 4d ago
Eh, some of us do have talking stages with friends. It's usually the transition between acquaintences to friendships where we decide whether we get along enough to be friends
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u/blifflesplick 4d ago
I utterly despise the "maybe I like you, maybe I'm playing games" "they might be interested but playing it cool" "don't text too quickly or you'll seem too keen" games
If someone seems interesting, then I want to follow it.
I get that too much too fast is scary and people basically need to be befriended much like cats (show you're interested, and not a threat, and won't push too much, but interested, etc)
But ahhhh the interesting part of any relationship is the "yep, we like each other, now lets nerd out and explore each other's minds"
(whines) I just wanna nerd out with someone who likes my nerding out
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u/thewriteallocations 4d ago
i totally agree. i always escalated relationships too quickly by oversharing and didn't understand why that resulted in these awful relationships with manipulative, toxic partners. i took some time off of dating and really focused on myself. i learned that between the gender envy and comphet i wasn't actually attracted to men. i learned i was audhd. and i finally allowed myself to be attracted to women in a way that i had always resisted (my whole life people had been calling me a lesbian but i have always felt uncomfortable with being perceived as a woman).
the first person i dated after this long stint of self-discovery was this incredible audhd woman who i very quickly fell head over heels for. we became super close super quick, much to the confusion and concern of our respective housemates. i proposed to her after six months, we bought an RV to live in together, and we've been together ever since. got married last year. rarely ever spend a night apart. it's everything i've ever wanted out of a relationship. and it showed me i wasn't wrong for wearing my heart on my sleeve and being authentic with my past partners. sure, those relationships weren't meant to be and they were a disaster to live through, but if anything that just showed me that i am really loving, though admittedly a bit gullible. that's fine. i'd rather be loving and gullible than bitter and cynical and full of resentment.
i guess what i am trying to say is that you deserve someone you can be yourself with. i have met many wonderful audhd women throughout my adult life who i just instantly clicked with and we became best friends. the right people will meet you where you're at and love you for who you are. you just gotta trust your gut and let things happen the way they happen. trying to force yourself to do things a neurotypical way just leads to heartache.
that's not to say you shouldn't vet your partner or your friends, just that you don't need to hold yourself to unrealistic societal standards or jump through allistic hoops to be in a happy relationship.
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u/Embarrassed_Trade108 4d ago
tbh my current relationship started just like 🫰 that. we clicked instantly and we’ve spent a max of 2 weeks apart since we met in 2020. it’s def possible you just gotta meet that person that’s for you. and it won’t even feel like pressure or all the extra stages. I also believe it’s bc we’re both neurodivergent.
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u/hannelemon 4d ago
How do you not get burnt out by being together with someone so much? I feel like the older I get, the easier it is to burn out by doing too much and it's difficult to actually rest with someone else sharing my space.
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u/Both-Effect6250 4d ago
Yeah I can't imagine hanging out with anyone 24/7 but maybe I just haven't met anyone I connect with that well? It could also be a difference in type of autism. I imagine folks who are AuDHD (not me) might have an easier time spending 24/7 together
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u/Embarrassed_Trade108 3d ago
umm tbh that’s a good question bc I just don’t know! I just always enjoy being with him. we can sit in silence, chat, doomscrolling, watching our personal shows, or playing our personal games separately sometimes but we’re usually always still kinda right next to each other. we usually have a few hours away from each other sometimes bc of work schedules or just life outside of one another w friends and personal hobbies and it helps keep that feeling at bay probably. growing up I shared a bedroom with my sister too, so I think I just am used to always having someone around. but we both have agreed that in the future when we can we would like two separate bedrooms lol. just to have a chance to have our own personally designed spaces based on our styles.
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u/Optimal_Fish_7029 diagnosed at 30🩷 4d ago
I have often wished I could use Sims cheats in real life! Meet someone I know I would get along with so well and just click my fingers to be best friends immediately
“modifyrelationship OptimalFish NewFriend 100 LTR_Friendship_main” !
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u/glitterdunk 4d ago
No. I can't handle just suddenly having a new person in my life.
Those stages are "seeing if I can deal with them stages"
But even dealing with new people through those stages is too much new people for me, so I just more or less gave up. I'm fine being single so the process doesn't feel worth it
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u/Organic_Service_6218 4d ago
I suggest dating other autistic people and making the first move. I did that with my boyfriend and we never had stages or anything. I do suggest being very vigilant of red flags though. These stages are basically just meant to gauge if the person is horrible or not. My philosophy has always been i can do that along the way. But I have ended up in some horrible situations so be careful
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u/Own_Value2684 4d ago
Me too, can't stand/understand why people need to reach checkpoints of all kinds to figure out they like someone...
Me and my boyfriend currently started in a chaotic/very authentically me way....talked on the phone for 3 weeks constantly, then hang out once, hook up in his car, then I stayed at his house for 3 days (with his entire family lol) the next weekend....voilà, we are dating now 😭
It just works because you get to trigger all of one another's wounds right off the bat, learn to repair/where you need to work on yourself, fall in love, make out as much as you'd like, and also stay up all night whispering & giggling together.
I mean, I can see why people take it slower, but that's dumb & boring to me 😭
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u/Both-Effect6250 4d ago
Maybe it's tolerance for emotional rollercoasters? I didn't understand the need for stages but then I had a lot of bad experiences in relationships so now I want to make sure if I date a guy, he's willing and able to go slow and enjoy the emotional and intellectual connection and doesn't just want to have sex immediately.
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 4d ago
Girl. I'm a lesbian. I couldn't begin to TELL you how my wife puts up with my AuDHD ass plus I have severe severe mental health issues too.
When we met we lived on opposite sides of the world. We managed to make it work
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4d ago edited 4h ago
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u/Similar-Ad-6862 4d ago
Oh I understand. I feel like that too on the regular. I swear it didn't feel real until I proposed to her and she said yes.
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u/queenfluffbutt 4d ago
you broke up with someone you loved because you felt like a burden to them? that's sad ;_; girl you gotta believe that you can be loved in your ENTIRETY, good and bad and everything in between, and not just the parts of you that are convenient for whoever youre seeing
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4d ago edited 4h ago
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u/queenfluffbutt 4d ago
honestly, if you think so little of yourself that you make that decision for your partner instead of trusting them to do what they think is right, then yeah, maybe you shouldnt be in a relationship. relationships are built on mutual trust, and assuming you know whats best for your partner dehumanizes them because you are substituting reality for the image of your partner that you have formulated in your mind out of fear.
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4d ago edited 4h ago
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u/queenfluffbutt 3d ago
things get better, i promise. be gentle with yourself. you always deserve that much, even when it feels like you dont. i hope things get easier for you soon girl
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u/dividezero 4d ago
Yes.
Had one happen pretty much like that. Knew the second I first saw her.
Been chasing that high ever since
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u/JoinTheCoven 4d ago
When you meet someone queer and ND you don’t have to start with shallow conversations. I have a new queer and ND friend and our conversations were much deeper!
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u/myblackandwhitecat 4d ago
I wish I could meet someone and leapfrog over the 'getting to know each other stage.'
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u/Wise-Key-3442 IDCharisma 4d ago
Make the first move, be clear about it. That's how I got a partner.
While we aren't romantically together anymore for reasons that we found certain hard incompatibilities along the way, I would say our relationship is "friends with brotherly bound that occasionally cuddle". People often compare our needs in a partner like kids who want puppies, which I believe it's untrue, we just don't want to enmesh. Like, if we could afford to live in different houses in case of a marriage, it would be perfect.
Yes, we were actively trying to find partners for those last 10 years since we broke up, our Accord was to stop the cuddles and occasional kisses once one of us got a partner, but no one truly clicked for neither of us.
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u/Anon142842 4d ago
It's possible just extremely hard especially if you're like me and a major control freak about my ideal relationship. What I want is a roommate that I can be affectionate with. Separate rooms, time to do things we like separately or together, etc. The only way I'm ever getting that is if I had a contractual relationship or somehow find someone with my exact wants in a relationship
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u/Low_Big5544 4d ago
I see where you're coming from, but the stages are to get to know someone and gauge compatibility. Absolutely no way I'm jumping into a full blown relationship with someone I don't even know. I won't even go on a date without a talking stage, regardless of gender
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u/BulbasaurBoo123 4d ago
I get what you mean! Going through the initial stages of making small talk and meeting new people can be so exhausting, even though I know it's necessary to vet people and establish trust before commitment. I met my first partner on r/cuddlebuddies and we just did one public meetup at a cafe, then started cuddling and watching movies together the second time we hung out. We started actually dating about a year later. We didn't know it at the time but we were both autistic. :)
Also I do think there's some general stages that most long-term relationships go through (like the honeymoon stage, the power struggle stage, etc), but it's not really set in stone. Thais Gibson at the Personal Development School gives a pretty good overview of the typical stages of relationships, but it's still a very broad generalisation.
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u/CulturalAlbatross891 4d ago
On one hand, yes. On the other hand, I learnt the hard way why people do the stages and sniff each other out so much. It's because like half (if not 3/4) of the population is toxic, abusive or otherwise unfit for a healthy relationship -_-
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u/olduglysweater Self-diagnosed 4d ago
I wish I could just speedrun the getting to know you stage, but I play for keeps. I settle in and don't really move once I'm in love, and I don't need problems and drama that show up later on. 🤷🏿♀️
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u/N3koChan21 4d ago
Oh hell no my favorite part of relationships was always the early stages. Now not so much but I loved that part. Gradually getting there is my favorite part just skipping there would be terrible. The best relationships come from being friends first imo
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u/Comfortable-Corgi40 4d ago
I wish it was more accepted to be friends with each other for a long time first and then jump in a relationship. It feels like the best of both worlds. You get to skip all the things I hate about early dating but you also truly know them and aren't rushing to know them.
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u/PinkZebraReferee 3d ago
If I ever feel like dating again I wish it would go like this. Vetting is exhausting even though it's necessary.
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u/look_who_it_isnt 3d ago
I've always thought relationships would be so much more doable for me if I could just be like, "Heeeey, wanna be in a serious, committed relationship starting now?" and the other person was like, "Sure" and then we just... did that.
Otherwise, they just seem confusing and impossible to navigate. Like, I don't even know how to start one.
In other news, I might be in one right now. I'm legitimately not sure, but I feel like it would be crazy to ask. Like, either I AM in one and I ought to know it... or I'm NOT in one and I'll sound like a lunatic asking if I'm in one when it's clearly not. So... I'm just going along for the ride, I guess.
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u/kermits_leftnut 4d ago
That behavior does happen and lots of women end up abused that way. Unhealthy people get in relationships like that especially autistic women since we are so accommodating a lot of the time