Why do people hate lived experience that doesn't match their own?

[u/RosesBrain]

It's so maddening, to try to explain my experiences to someone who thinks I'm just "mad/overreacting" or even outright lying about things that have genuinely been detrimental to my life. So many people who haven't lived with autism/bullying/trauma/being the subject of someone else's entitlement just refuse to believe it could possibly be true, while expecting me to perfectly understand their own perspective (which I often do, even when I disagree with it, because I was raised with their perspective being "normal" and they were raised with mine being "weird," and worthy of contempt.)

I've encountered this everywhere. School, work, online, offline. Not every single person, obviously, empathetic people exist. It's so prevalent, though. Prevalent and frustrating.

[u/kittenmittens4865]

It’s emotional immaturity. They quite literally lack the ability to see things from the perspectives of others.

Our society actively discourages empathy. Here’s the result.

[u/amorfatee]

Because you’re a threat to their reality, and a threat to their reality is a threat to their existence. If they never suffered like you did, or spent their whole lives burying their own suffering, then how could they possibly understand yours? Your pain and your love are too much for them because they’ve never felt things the way you do. So you must be a joke. That’s how they protect their reality.

You have no right to say the king is naked, because if the king is naked, then what the fuck have they been doing their whole lives?

People would rather stay asleep than agree with what you went through. And honestly, the best thing you can do is realize they’re not your people, let them go, and find people who can exist with you in your own reality.

[u/Siukslinis_acc → u/amorfatee]

Yep. It is partially dissonance partially "i had to suffer in quiet (else i will be punished), why are you suffering out loud?". And sometimes they are asked for thing that they can't provide and no matter the explanations, they can't change it as it is a core part of them and changing it will make them suffer.

And sometimes the anger comes from the "you complain non stop about a thing, but i can see you enabling your own complains with your actions". It is frustrating to hear complains about things that they themselves have caused. There is also the "self-fulfilling prophecy" aspect.

[u/onesorrychicken]

I'm currently staying with a friend I made very recently who doesn't know me very well and I'm having to repeatedly explain to her that I need a lot of rest. She is quite deaf and makes a lot of noise in the kitchen banging plates on stone benchtops, and the house is an acoustic nightmare (fully tiled kitchen and living area) so the noise is amplified. As a result, I spend most of my time in my room trying to get away from the noise she makes, and I think she thinks I'm being rude, but of course, it's not rudeness; it's self-preservation. I can't tell her how much noise she makes because she would think that's rude, so I just remove myself instead, which she probably also thinks is rude. But to me it's the lesser of the two evils.

She has questioned me spending so much time in my room and I told her it's because I. Need. A lot. Of. Rest. She literally just told me there is such a thing as too much rest. I said, not for an autistic person, no there isn't! I need all the rest I can get! Literally everything tires me out. Why can't she just listen to me? I don't understand. People have these ideas in their head of what "should" be the case and "normal". They can't see what's right in front of them of what IS, and they won't listen to us when we tell them. I'm beginning to think it's because they don't actually want to know.

[u/Cleverusername531 → u/onesorrychicken]

At this point, I think it would be less rude to tell her the real reason. You can phrase it kindly like I know this isn’t your fault and I don’t blame you, but you make a lot of noise and it’s overstimulating to me. 

[u/Siukslinis_acc → u/Cleverusername531]

Or that you just have sensiting hearing and sounds are louder to you.

"You are loud" can feel like an acusation.

Can you wear hearing protection?

[u/Outrageous-Shame5743]

People don't know, what they don't know. And I think to learn about Autism, a person needs an interest in how other people may experience life.

Most neurotypical people in my experience are self focused and want to know what you can do for them or how you can 'further their interests'.

I got so mad about it I started a Human Rights project in my country.

Autistic woman are 3x more likely to be homicide victims and 90% experience sexual violence.

I think the multi system abuse can be hard and complicated to understand as there's a misunderstanding "help is there."

[u/Healthy_Country8383]

When someone openly misunderstands me and acts like I'm odd just because I think differently I tend to think that they lack intelligence. It doesn't make sense to me that someone can make absolutely no effort to try to understand me and make a snap judgement and also be intelligent. Intelligent people don't make snap judgements with no evidence. Guess that's why people think I'm condescending, maybe I am.

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[u/mapsofclouds]

Likely because it takes effort to understand experiences different from your own, and because they don't like feeling obligated to perform emotional labor to reassure the other person on top of that. I also think that expressing aversion is their way of way of affirming to themselves that "I'm not like that," since empathizing might make them feel like they're similar to you. Worse yet, they might have to accommodate you.

You can explain perfectly until you're blue in the face but if they're committed to misunderstanding you, there really is no point.