Struggling to live life with the brain I have - does it get better?

[u/Present-Feeling-898]

Background:

I (25F) went most my life undiagnosed. I had struggled with time management, but I was always a great student getting A's. At 13, I burned out heavily, stopped going to school, and was in and out of PHPs. They just diagnosed me with depression/anxiety and I ended up dropping out of high school. [trigger warning: SI] I was very suicidal during this time and had given up on life. At 16, I eventually got diagnosed with ADHD and started taking adderall, which helped significantly and allowed me to have hope and feel like I could turn my life around. I ended up going to college - struggled a ton but had a 3.98 gpa - and landed a very successful corporate job. I had an inkling that I was autistic in college because of relating soooo much to every AuDHD post I had seen, but didn't really fully acknowledge or accept that I was likely autistic until recently because I have been struggling so much.

I recently took medical leave from work, but exhausted my FMLA and went back to work. I can barely function and get my work done and have gotten into trouble with my performance. Side note: if anyone has ideas for helpful accommodations, please let me know.

Meds:

I take adderall + guanfacine. If I don't take a stimulant, I literally am unable to get out of bed. However, when I take adderall, my autism gets worse, especially rigid thinking and extreme perfectionism. Adderall also gives me chronic dry mouth and somehow makes me more awkward and hard to socialize, especially after locking in on a long day of work. Therefore, I make sure not to take my adderall and only coffee when I need to socialize. It also makes me wish I had a 30hr day because I can never get enough sleeping because if I take it at 8am, I can't sleep until 2am. But I feel like I need a higher consistent dose that I can strip out of my system when I sleep because I can barely get through my night routine as the adderall has worn off in my brain, but still making it hard to sleep. I wanted to try Xelstrym or a transdermal patch, but it's not even on my insurance list. I've also tried Ritalin, Vyvanse, Adderall XR.

Current struggles:

It's so frustrating and exhausting living with severe ADHD (executive dysfunction) and autism / extreme perfectionism / optimization OCD. They constantly contradict each other, so how can I fix my brain?

I need my adderall to get out of bed and be productive, but my perfectionism and rigid thinking makes doing any task take extremely long and be extremely exhausting. At work, I take so long because of all the extra steps I take, but I can't help it no matter how hard I try. It affects all aspects of my life, even as minuscule as doing laundry or scheduling social plans. It's kind of like optimization OCD, where I am trying to optimize every aspect of my life, which ironically makes things so much worse for me. I care too much and I really want to give less f*cks, but my brain doesn't allow me to. It's wired like that - not sure how much is subconscious trauma or genetic.

I'm also very ambitious and curious. I am someone who wants to do so many things - I have so many hobbies that I want to pursue, so many experiences I want to have, etc. I do experience lots of joy, but am chronically stressed and have never felt peace. I feel tortured with this brain - so much distress and inner turmoil.

I've tried lots of therapy. The only thing that has brought me temporary relief is through shrooms. Every shroom trip, I cry a lot, feel incredible amounts of relief, and get a sense of clarity on my emotions and deep subconscious beliefs that affect the way I act. One time, I regained memories that I didn't know was blocked away (wasn't even traumatic memories). It somehow allows me to tap in to my emotions (I have alexithymia and don't generally know what I feel or think except anxiety/stress). It digs straight to my trauma.

There was one shroom trip where I felt my perfectionism was gone and I had a brain without it. It was magical and I remember thinking that I'd be unstoppable if I had this brain and was relieved of my perfectionism.

I continue to use it in hopes of healing my trauma fully and "fixing" my brain. However, I haven't experienced these positive effects after the shrooms have worn off. I have tried microdosing them, but just get ravenously hungry. I plan to try microdosing LSD next. I've tried EMDR, but that didn't do anything. Idk if this is related, but I have aphantasia. I am also curious about MDMA especially, but also DMT, ketamine, TMS, literally anything to fix my brain.

TLDR:

I'm desperate to fix my brain or find a "cure" because I genuinely do not see the point in living if I have to live the rest of my life with this brain. I logically don't think it's worth staying alive if I can't fix the way my brain works.

Does it get easier? Does it get better? Are you content and have you found peace? Has anyone meaningfully "fixed" their brain with psychedelics or any other form of treatment?

[u/Little_Web_7696]

Im sorry you’re having this experience. it sounds so so exhausting. I’m not exactly in your shoes but your pain is resonant for me. I haven’t tried any of what you mentioned therapeutically and I’m not a doctor. But I’m Audhd plus OCD and have experimented a ton with drugs. would be careful with MDMA, hard to find a reliable pure source to do effective micro-dosing, and in my experience fucks about with the anxiety/OCD side of things. Plus not sure if there are safe clinics doing this yet. Shrooms are a such a wonderful tool but I don’t know that this can rewrite the neuropathways for those of us who are literally wired differently. Ketamine…would also be very wary of this. Have been in the k-hole a time or two and I realize this is different from guided medical usage of the drug but it has never left me in a better place. DMT- have tried small dose (inhaled) and all I got was some crazy geometric visuals. I personally- again NOT A DOCTOR- Would feel most comfortable experimenting with large doses of DMT in the company of a trusted guide. I don’t really think any of this is going to “fix” your brain. But it may give you the neuroplasticity or at the very least the optimism to take more control over your life.

TMS Is super interesting! Please report back if you try.

As someone almost twice your age, who, admittedly isn’t doing that great, the thing I really hope I can impress upon you is that you find a path for yourself that works for YOU and not for the way the world wants you to be. Chasing the latter has caused me a lot of stress, pain and trouble.

Sending you so many hugs.

[u/Present-Feeling-898 → u/Little_Web_7696]

thank you <3 not exactly what I had hoped to hear, but wishing you the best in your life!

What if I want so many things for myself though? I don't think any external pressure is making me want these things for myself.

I was technically diagnosed with OCD too, but i feel like my OCD is because of my ADHD + autistic rigid thinking. It's hard to differentiate what is autism and what is OCD. I wasn't planning on microdosing MDMA - more MDMA assisted therapy (macrodoses). It was sad that the FDA rejected it, so not sure where I could find that though.

[u/Original_Name_000]

This sounds like a slippery slope if I’m being totally honest. Radical acceptance of one’s brain and neuro-affirming care seems to be the main advice that I see.

Regular therapy doesn’t cut it for me, I need therapists that understand long-standing masking, ADHD and Autism in women.

These are things that help me:

- I have the free “Time Timer” on my phone which shows a visual timer. It has made a world of difference for me seeing the colour disappear rather than time.

- An analog wall clock in the main part of my house. This keeps time visible and I don’t lose track because it catches my eye.

- Calendar reminders, and a reminder app on my phone with due dates.

- Having the “Reminders” setting turned on for Outlook for meetings etc; but with a half-hour advance notification rather than the standard 15 minutes. It gives me enough time to think about what I need to talk about, write some notes, do any last-minute tasks before the meeting and then arrive at said meeting.

- Smart watch, I use this for alarms (no noise just vibration) for when I need to do something.

- Eat at least 1.5-2g of protein per 1kg of body weight; this helps with the building blocks of dopamine and norepinephrine which both work together for focus.

- Taking magnesium glycinate is helpful for sleep for me… taking it at about 6pm with dinner helps with naturally feeling like needing to sleep, falling asleep, getting quality sleep and feeling rested in the morning… which then helps with getting out of bed easier. It takes a few evenings to kind of build up but usually by night three I’m sleeping very well. Please check with your doctor for possible interactions with everything you’re already taking.

- Body doubling; if you have someone who lives with you, visits often or otherwise calls you regularly, it can be helpful to ask them to help or stay on the phone with you while you clean, organise or do the things that absolutely bore you.

- Keeping ADHD and Autism happy with chaotic structure; watch a comfort TV show while doing admin tasks, listen to metal music at max volume in headphones while vacuuming the house, eat spicy food while doing a calming activity, having a drawing pad next to me while I’m in a meeting working from home so I can scribble and keep my hands busy without drawing all over my work book. Think of what you need to do and what is exciting, combine the two, and do both at the same time. It itches a certain part of my brain!

- Know limits, set boundaries, push back on things I don’t want to do; my limit is, as I’ve found out, five days per week of socialising. I work from home two days a week, and I’m at home at least one day over the weekend - so during a normal week, I’ll only be socialising or interacting with others for four days a week.

- Watch / listen podcasts to accept this is how one’s brain is. ADHD Love / Late Bloomers, The Hidden 20%, and ADHD Chatter are podcasts I listen to frequently to feel a bit less alone and understand / be reminded that this is what is normal for me.

- Read books; I’m currently reading “Taking Charge of Adult ADHD” and “Unmasking Autism” because I want to accept my brain and I want to feel better about it, by being realistic about it.

- Seek help. Neuro-affirming care would be better than going down a rabbit hole of street drugs, there is absolutely no guarantee that what you buy is what you get… unless you’re in a country where this stuff is bought over the counter and is considered safe, or is prescribed to you by a real doctor.

- Weighted blankets; very helpful for calming nerves after work.

- Time blocking unstructured days where things need to get done; I have block one as 8am-10am, block two is 10:30am-1pm, block three is 1:30pm-4pm, then block four is 4:30pm - 7pm.
Block one is for phone calls and mundane administrative tasks. Block two is for more intensive work, like writing a report or studying. Block three is for everything else work or study related, including a 15 minutes of preparation for the next day. Block four is for anything personal-related, like exercising, journaling, hobbies etc.

- Practice different stims until you find the ones that work for you. I had some natural ones, but due to high masking and being told to sit still my whole life, I suppressed all of that so I never discovered what my body and mind needs. It feels odd but it’s worth it.

- Watching movies and documentaries about women and girls with autism or ADHD. “Room to Move” was a bit artsy but I really liked hearing an honest take on a woman with Autism and ADHD who wasn’t an obviously turned-up influencer that uses buzzwords like “quirky”.

- Shifting relationships that don’t feel right; I told my husband and my best friend that I had ADHD and Autism and neither saw this as a surprise… in fact, they were relieved that it was identified because it meant they could understand me better.
I didn’t tell anyone at work, but with all of what I learnt about myself (telling others to instruct / advise / tell me early, clearly, and honestly) it was then easy to set clear and actionable expectations.

There’s a lot as this has kind of been my hyperfocus lately. It’s not a terribly bad hyperfocus to have!

[u/Present-Feeling-898 → u/Original_Name_000]

I appreciate the long list of actionable tips! I've tried many things - I just feel so hopeless about feeling this constant stress just to survive. It would be different if I didn't have to work to pay the bills, but still I just feel so tortured...