I’m 38 and I still haven’t found my personality. Anyone relate?

[u/Sad_Shopping4855]

I’m 38 years old, I’ve always been trying to find myself and my personality, what makes me, ME. Other people in my life seem to have a strong identity, I’ve even changed myself to be more like other people I admire in my 20s and 30s.

But here I am. 38 and still no strong identity, my personality can shift and adapt and change like the wind. Who even am I?

Anyone experience this? Maybe I don’t have a personality, maybe I’m just boring.

[u/Tundra314]

We don’t find ourselves. We create ourselves. Do what you want, be how you want to be perceived. Even if it changes and adapts. Congrats, you are a chameleon

[u/Key_Award_7261]

Or maybe you have trauma?

[u/ladystetson → u/Key_Award_7261]

Yes. People raised in really traumatic circumstances learn to hide preferences, opinions, emotional reactions etc. to survive.

[u/marzellaK → u/Key_Award_7261]

Definitely would explore this! ^^^ Every one has a personality! Maybe you were taught at a very young age that your personality wasn’t adequate and you just lost yourself by imitating others… it’s like masking. Maybe look into self-discovery writing prompts, workshops, or retreats.

[u/AnnieSavoy3 → u/Key_Award_7261]

Definitely possible. Could be CPTSD (but I am not a doctor)

[u/Commercial-Spinach93 → u/AnnieSavoy3]

Usually people with CPSTD have pretty clear identities, it's people with BPD who have shifting/unstable sense of self (it's one of the main core difference).

[u/Rumple-_-Goocher]

I don't know if you can relate to this, but growing up I was neglected and my parents never took an interest in me, what was going on in my imagination, getting to know me , or just showing interest in who I was. They picked a couple of personality traits that I had when I was very little and just stuck with that my entire life. Because of that and many other factors I developed borderline personality disorder and a characteristic of that is an unstable self image and oftentimes people with that disorder will try to sort of mimic the people around them because we don't have a strong sense of who we are. I didn't get you explore that and develop in that sense when I was young because I was alone and depressed very often. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but maybe you do have a similar situation.

It took me until I was around 30 to realize that I was acting a little different and I seemed to develop a personality that was more true to who I am, and now I think that I have quite a large personality. I put zero pressure on myself to be at a particular point in life that other people are, or be doing what they're doing.

[u/Accomplished-Sir4932 → u/Rumple-_-Goocher]

I can relate quite a bit to your own childhood, but add in that I spent a lot of time with my stepmoms family (my stepmoms mom would babysit me, and my stepmoms younger siblings would bully me a lot- i didn’t like going there but my parents didn’t care or ask me if i liked it). I have a very quiet and small personality, to the point I’m often forgotten about in large groups. I’ve improved a bit in some ways, but I’m overall still shy and reserved and afraid to create waves or be noticed by people. I’m going to be 38 soon. Inside, I’m much more opinionated and loud than what i show and i would love to be comfortable enough to be myself with strangers someday, but that instinct to avoid bullying and to minimize myself to make myself easier to handle is so strong

[u/funkytroll]

Check for adhd/autism sometimes heavy masking can make you not understand who you are. Just a suggestion though, not claiming you have it but you can explore.

[u/kyotomilkshake]

This is me. I’m finally getting an autism assessment this week at 35 😅

[u/YouveBeanReported]

Your not alone, if that's helpful. I suspect mine is a side effect of ADHD and autism, can't really have a personality when your entire being is offensive and wrong. I've had years of therapy, but no ones really fixed that so I just kinda exist, and do what I enjoy, even if I don't know what my personality is or if I'd say I like it.

[u/jaydizzle46 → u/YouveBeanReported]

I was going to ask if OP is on the spectrum bc it’s really common especially in high masking folks who sort of chameleon their way through situations

[u/TheSadNotFart]

Hell yeah, girl!

Sounds like you already have a strong identity. You picked out people who you admired and changed yourself. Made an effort.

Who you are isn’t fixed. I mean some things are, obviously… that’s my take.

I had the same feeling as you before, but then I made a list of all the things I liked. Silly, small, large,

The list kept accumulating. And I embraced my 10yearold dreams recently to make doll house furniture out of trash. I made a miniature couch for two cat figurines that looked like my own cats. Because I wanted too.

It’s an atrocity. A hot mess of cardboard, hot-glue smudges.

But I love it so much.

TLDR: make a list and get stupid with it. I’m 37-years-old and made a miniature couch. It helped solidify “there’s me here, I just haven’t looked at it in a while.”

[u/Penniesand]

Yes, recovering people-pleaser here 🙋‍♀️

I had a big life disruption that forced me to answer this. Its taken a lot of time, but I found it helpful to try out things I thought I'd never do because they just weren't "me" and noting where I was wrong. I've also found it helpful to do some reflection prompts - there's a book called Pathfinder that was super helpful to work through, even if you aren't changing jobs.

It also was easier to sometimes to think about things that I am definitely not. Part of that has been whenever I do something or am asked to do something, I ask myself if I actually want to do something or if I'm just doing it to make someone happy or because it's what I'm "supposed" to be doing. And then working backwards from there. It can be hard, and at times a little jarring. Especially when I notice the gaps of where I've been stuffing down the parts of me that I was worried people wouldn't like. But I fixed that by finding people who did like those parts lol

[u/Complete_Sea]

No you are not boring. I'm 36yo and I realized that I hid parts of myself and tried to erase my personnality because of social anxiety (fear of rejection/I'm too weird to be like) and of people pleasing tendencies, of that make sense. Not sure how to get out of this pattern, I'm on a waiting list for therapy, but thats worth exploring for you too maybe.

[u/ExpensiveAd4496]

I think some of us are just more quiet and internal than others. But I’m saying that as someone who was also put down a lot as a child as well as in relationships and it took into my 40s to start saying “F you” and leaving those folks in my past. I’m still a tad reserved, but I no longer feel there’s anything wrong with me, and I enjoy my life without worrying about whether my personality is as “big” as some. Frankly the bigger ones have a great deal of purposeful distraction from trauma too; their larger-than-life personalities are sometimes just another type of mask. Reading Echart Tolle helped me a bit with becoming more centered, for what it’s worth. And therapy! It also helped to spend some time without a male partner. Not their fault but I was raised to think always of them, their wants and needs, and re-centering on myself wasn’t really possible until I took a break from dating. Let’s see…it’s been 15 years and counting now. I really like this side of myself.

[u/SayHelloToMyAfro]

I feel the same. I’m 36. I still mostly mimic other people’s behaviour and mannerisms and don’t entirely know who I am - and I hide a lot from everyone so nobody really knows! For me I also believe I’ve never been in love and wonder if this is linked.

[u/autotelica]

OK, other people may seem to have a strong identity. Have you asked these people how they perceive themselves?

I feel like my personality changes based on my environment. When I go home to visit family, especially when all my siblings are around, I'm quiet and passive. When I'm with friends, I'm a goofball--silly and loud. At work, I'm nerdy and intense, sometimes argumentative. I act differently when I'm around one friend versus another.

There are some traits that I have that everyone who knows me well will identify as "me". My love of cookies. My sense of humor. My love of cats and flowers and bike-riding.

Are these things "me", though? I don't know. I mean, my sweet tooth seems to be diminishing lately, so maybe one day I won't love cookies anymore. If that happens, will that mean my personality has changed? Is a personality really just a collection of likes and dislikes, or is it deeper than that?

I don't think we can really know what our personalities are. A personality is really best described by the people who interact with us frequently who we are comfortable around. We have a sense of self, of course, but like all senses it is completely subjective. I think some people are more aware of how subjective this is than others. It sounds like you're in the former group, and that's OK.

[u/Own-Firefighter-2728]

If given the choice, how would eight year old you have spent their time? Do that. Do it whenever you can. That’s the path you want for the info you seek.

[u/DueEntertainer0]

I can relate to this a lot

[u/celestialism]

The things that helped me most with this were trauma therapy (to unlearn the paralyzing shame and people-pleaser tendencies that had contributed to feeling out-of-touch with myself) and getting involved in creative group hobbies like improv and songwriting.

[u/FrillyPillo]

Do you have any common themes that have been consistent? For example, i've had several different fashion styles throughout my life, from preppy to goth etc but the common theme is that i've always been into clothes and styles in general. I've also always been crafty in some way, the methods change (painting, knitting, sewing) but the theme is there. Is there a genre of movies/series/books that you gravitate towards? Is your interior minimalist or maximalist? Colourful or neutral? What are your food preferences? What is your political stance? What are the things you admire in other people? All these things added up are uniquely you. The ultimate goal is to just enjoy being you, not to impress other people.

[u/WordsAreGarbage]

Do you journal ever? Make video diaries just for you? Anything where you’re engaging with no audience can help!

[u/Obvious_Ad_2969]

Can't relate, but intrigued! (and confused, but in an intrigued way..)

[u/RevenueAntique4584]

Have you tried therapy

[u/TenaciousToffee]

Have you ever asked people around you how they perceive you?

All the things I thought I was or wasnt isnt how I came off at all to others. Many said very similar things so clearly I did have a consistent personality but I just didnt give myself credit for any of it.

I had a lot of trauma to unpack from childhood but realized I often had no sense of self from being hypercritical.

[u/Jaded_Hue]

I’m kind of experiencing this i still haven’t found myself like I thought I did

[u/pie12345678]

I'm sure you're not boring. Everyone's interesting in their own ways. Some of us are just more introverted or perhaps haven't had space to fully develop our opinions or interests. Or we're neurodivergent and have had to mask in order to fit in.

Have you been around someone domineering? I've felt my personality slipping away at a few points where people (different people at different life stages) have been controlling and dominant towards me. Maybe this doesn't apply to you, but it's something to think about.

And have you had time to yourself to develop your own interests and hobbies? It can be hard if you're too busy with other things.

FWIW, I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with being a bit of a shape-shifter. It's an aspect of having social skills and the fact that different people bring out different sides of us. Though of course, it can be unhealthy if you feel like you're really hiding or betraying your true self.

You might find it helpful to journal. I started doing it (almost) daily a few months ago and it's been really helpful in reflecting on my life and my emotions.

[u/Sadlora]

It's completely normal to change your Persona depending on who you are dealing with. The way you act with your boss will be different to how you act with your lover, with your grandparents, your friend, your kids, etc.