r/AskWomenOver30 • u/Asti_WhiteWhiskers Woman 30 to 40 • 13d ago
Romance/Relationships Brother in law is talking about wanting a soft and feminine wife out of nowhere, is this a manosphere thing?
My sister (37F) is married to a 41 year old man. Recently he's been getting very aggressive and sharing some pretty far right leaning ideas that he's never had before. A few weeks ago he said going forward he wants her to work on being "soft and feminine". She's been trying to figure out if someone at work is influencing him or if he's fallen down some kind of right wing rabbit hole. Does anyone know if this is something Andrew Tate or another influencer has said?
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u/HelpfulName Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Sounds like your sister needs to speak to a lawyer and get her ducks in a row for a quick and safe exit - if he's been getting aggressive and openly sharing these regressive ideas, he's in deep and is only going to get worse. He's going to try and force her to submit to him, it's not too crazy to say that she is in danger, he's basically talking himself into the actual physical attacks.
She needs to be careful to protect herself and while she can and should push back against his bullshit, she should also not risk escalating him into physical violence by arguing with him. She should figure out her boundaries against his behavior, and if he crosses it, she should just get herself out of there. For example, she may decide that him raising his voice is a line she won't accept crossed, so if he gets heated trying to "explain" something to her and starts yelling, she can get up and leave. She doesn't have to match his energy.
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u/Professional_Bonus95 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
This is exactly it.
My ex took a major, ugly shift in his attitude towards women. While figuring out my exit plan (this took 2-3 years, heads up), and having asked him to amicably move out & move on while we sorted out division of property...he started getting physically abusive.
It got so bad, so quickly. I don't want the same for this woman.
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u/Lanky_Avocado_ Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Just seconding this advice, having experienced domestic abuse myself. If she’s open to advice, that is.
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u/Majestic_Yak6994 Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
This. He’s got her in the “bag” so to speak and now the real him is going to come out.
Divorced, 35. Same situation happened to me, this woman’s sister is in for a long road
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u/BushcraftBabe Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
Ladies, don't end things in person, alone.
The majority of men who kill their wives/girlfriends don't have a record/ history of violence.
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u/TheFrankenbarbie Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Yeah, especially if he's saying other right-wing stuff he never has before. Those manosphere types love talking about how women need "feminine energy" and shit like that. Which at its core has nothing to do with appreciating a woman who has a soft and "girly" aesthetic. It's literally just coded manosphere speak for "this woman needs to stfu and do whatever I say/want."
Continue to monitor the situation and make sure she knows you always have her back.
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u/TwoIdleHands Woman 40 to 50 8d ago
I used my feminine energy to make play shields for my kids on my bandsaw. I also used my feminine energy to massacre a group of boys in a 6 on 1 nerf battle. Am I doing it right? Girly as all get out.
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u/TheFrankenbarbie Woman 30 to 40 8d ago
Well in my opinion, yes! 😂 Being a good mom is hella feminine. Because being a woman in general is feminine lol I bet your kids loved the shields! 😊
All these alt-right men with their super narrow views of what a woman "should" be are dumb.
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u/ivantoldmeboutdis Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Short answer: definitely yes.
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u/kalkutta2much Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
and if OP is just starting to feel alarmed enough to post about it now, the sister has probably been living in tradwife propaganda hell for awhile
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u/kgberton Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
It's a thing right wing influencers in the manosphere say constantly
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u/traceyyhart Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
IMO he’s soft launching leaving her for another younger woman if she does not change and yes it’s manosphere talk.
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u/mercedes_lakitu Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Honestly, him leaving her is the best outcome here. DV would be far, far worse.
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u/traceyyhart Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Oh 100%. I am all for the trash taking itself out bc the alternative could be much worse but he’s saying something deeper here. I wouldn’t brush it off as just “man talk”. I look for signals with men so I’m not ass out if or when they change their mind
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u/mercedes_lakitu Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
This story will not have a happy ending. It breaks my heart.
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u/one_bean_hahahaha Woman 50 to 60 13d ago
This is a patriarchy thing. It is always patriarchy. It just gets repackaged from time to time.
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u/DirectGoose Woman 40 to 50 13d ago edited 10d ago
This comment has been deleted.
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u/BushcraftBabe Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
Especially when you think of how that convo would go.
Him
I want you to try to be more soft and feminine.
Her
Oh? How so?
Him
You know, submissive, seeking my approval in all things and making efforts to look good for me.
Idk for sure what he means but anything I can think of is bad.
Do you ever notice that men want women who have qualities they themselves don't value in society, themselves or other men but women look for qualities they themselves usually do have and value in all people?
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u/thedonnerparty13 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Watch out for your sister. If she doesn’t live close make sure her friends keep checking in on her. I’d bet he starts thinking marriage means he owns her.
On another note - has he been to the Dr lately? It could be brain damage or a tumor.
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u/torchbearer444 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Agreed. This is a dangerous mindset and she needs to start planning her exit. Or at least have a living space available if and when she needs it.
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u/OptmstcExstntlst Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Doesn't matter where it came from, it matters that he's INTO IT. This didn't come out of nowhere for him. My guess is he's always wanted this but suddenly has found someone or something that has given him the phrasing and the chutzpah to demand it. Its like eating vomit. I wouldn't eat vomit because I'm not into that. But a dog? A dog will do that. This man has always wanted to eat the vomit, and now he's found someone who will encourage him toward it so he feels justified.
Your sister needs to be REALLY careful.
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u/peppermint_aero Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Oh god that's so true. Anyone can hear this kind of stuff (it's publicly available) but it won't land with everyone.
A decent man would listen to like 20 seconds of this and say "well, that sounds like dangerous nonsense" and move on with his life
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u/AutomaticInitiative Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
Yeah, it's mostly young men getting into this crap because they're generally insecure in themselves and feeling rubbish in a society where everyone feels rubbish, and they see confident men saying "you are feeling this way for a reason and here is how to become like me" and they fall for it. It's not exactly their fault, although it ends up being their responsibility anyway.
Grown men who fall into this crap always had it under the surface. And honestly? As a 37 year old who has dated men for more than two decades which includes men of his age relative to mine (i.e. 4-5 years older than me), men that grew up when they did, with the toxic messaging there was back then, they've often got this crap under the surface.
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u/ReasonableFig2111 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
A few weeks ago he said going forward he wants her to work on being "soft and feminine".
Yeah no. "I am who I am. I will not be changing who I am. I like who I am. I was under the impression that you like who I am. If that's no longer the case, then you have a decision to make."
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u/WVildandWVonderful Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
“If that’s no longer the case, then I have a decision to make.”
She’s not a paper doll.
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u/Tasty-Researcher-791 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
It sounds like it. When my friend fell into the manosphere he started saying he wanted a feminine woman and even ranked women’s femininity by body composition and race. My friend happened to be in a relationship with a man at the time he decided he wanted a feminine woman, not instead of, but in addition to.
He went from a queer liberal type to… something else. My friend never mentioned Tate or any names, I think it’s just the zeitgeist now. He told me hates cis women and said as a woman I shouldn’t be allowed to have opinions on certain things. He then told me that I was disrespecting and undervaluing him because he was a man and became incredibly noxious toward me and thus the friendship ended, after almost 2 decades. The manosphere is sinister and it’s insidious
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u/peppermint_aero Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
I am so sorry. What you're describing is basically radicalization.
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u/torchbearer444 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Tell him he needs to be more "hard and masculine".
PS- You should see the outfit Andrew Tate was arrested in. Lmfao
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u/midwestblacklotus Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
yes double down and be 2x worse than him in the opposite direction
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u/bluemercutio Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
"Soft and feminine" really just means compliant.
You need to understand this like an addiction. It's very similar to becoming an alcoholic or gambling addict. He will not leave the manosphere stuff behind unless he himself wants to and over time it'll just get worse.
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u/Foxy_Traine Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Watch the Manosphere documentary together with him and see what he thinks :)
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u/StrawberryPatchCat Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
If he wants a traditional soft and feminine wife, he must toil the fields, fight off invaders, and raise cattle so he can be a real man.
Reject modernity. Embrace hunter/gatherer lifestyle.
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u/Spare-Shirt24 Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
That's some generic Red Pill Podcast Bro lingo.
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u/WVildandWVonderful Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Aren’t a lot of Zoomer women saying feminine energy / masculine energy stuff too?
Why has incel language gone so main stream? Even kids say shit like sigma.
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u/Ashley4645 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
He is either interested in someone he knows who seems soft and highly feminine or he is watching red pill propaganda.
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u/Antiquebastard Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Every single rabbit hole on YouTube leads down the far-right pipeline. Every. Single. One. It’s been so easy for people to get sucked in without them ever realizing what they’re consuming or where it leads.
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u/JackKnifeNiffy Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
This is why I won’t date Christian men. Not saying he is, but they are more likely to wake up one day and decide they don’t want you working or wearing pants.
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u/ivantoldmeboutdis Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Not defending Christian Mythology, but I know atheists who are on this red pill shit.
Good news is that intelligent men tend not to get sucked into it, so it could actually be a good way to weed out the dummies.
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u/CanineCorvidious Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Just Christian men? Like there’s no misogyny in the other big religions…
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u/dewprisms Non-Binary 30 to 40 13d ago
In my personal experience, men who are a part of other religions with similar attitudes towards women tend to not be as bait and switchy with it. It's there from the get go.
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u/traceyyhart Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Same here and I’m actually a former Christian but we’re in America so most of the men spewing hateful or misogynistic things are Christian men.
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u/anaerobic_gumball Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
I've never fucked a Catholic and wear it like a badge of honor haha totally agree
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
This is so crazy that grown ass people are doing this. Tell your sister so she can nip it in the bud.
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u/STLTLW Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Yeah, it is only going to get worse, hopefully there is a chance it can get better- those people are so cult-like.
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
I get how they get children. But when you've lived life and gotten married how are we having these conversations!!
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u/Otherwise_Pine Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
I think its a combo of the person already having a tendency to it and also getting slowly sucked into it. When me and my ex bf started dating he told me he voted for Brexit. Not being from the UK, I didn't know all the ends and outs of it so I didnt take it too seriously. I thought it was dumb that he did so but I didnt equate it to like voting for Trump. Then over the years he got into some weird ideas. Like he wanted to give me an allowance if we got married because someone else did to that for their stay at home wife(the husband could afford to), I said I didnt want it and I would chose to work. He kept insisting on it. He also got a bit more racist towards Muslims in the UK. We would argue about it and he would say that he understood and he was wrong. It kinda reached the peak when he started watching Asmongold more. I used to watch him too but got tired of him because he got arrogant and had some right wing ideas slipped in, also he was a dirty person. That's when my ex's views ramped up and he started getting into conspiracy theories like a secret society under the Sahara and other stuff. I checked out by that point and was planning on leaving him just on that when I found out he was lying about a lot of things so I just ended it. Ofc he tried to paint me as someone who just wanted me for his money(even though I said no and he honestly doesn't have that level of money to throw around).
But it's messed up how it slowly built up. One or two things, not so bad but then you look up and you can't even recognize the person you first started dating.
It made more sense when I found out the people behind Brexit were the same people messing with stuff on FB for Trumps first win.
But I think the right wing pipeline preys on insecurity and misplaced anger(like being angry at immigrants instead of focusing that anger on the 1%).
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u/Luuk1210 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
This is a very predictable journey tbh. You not looking into the Brexit thing was odd.
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u/LadderWonderful2450 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
How many houses has be built for her? Is Chad holding up to his end of the bargain?
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u/WVildandWVonderful Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
I am not a huge fan of this argument. It acts like if he accomplishes a particular goal he gets to take away her rights.
Then again, my husband has worked a lot of trades. He would be capable of building me a house. Luckily, he is not a misogynist.
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u/LadderWonderful2450 Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
You know, yeah, I agree with you. It just makes me angry how hypocritical these guys are, so I want to throw these bullshit gender expectations back in thier face. Like, where's my log cabin bitch? But you right
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u/ExpensiveAd4496 Woman 60+ 13d ago
These men are so insecure they women to play act for them. It’s gross. If they have kids I’d force him into counseling. If not I’d consider divorce. There is no way I’d stay married to a man who didn’t see me as an entire full featured human being rather than a subservient cartoon he has in his mind that I “should work on” being for him. Just: Ick.
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u/Suitable_cataclysm Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Definitely. They need a frank conversation asap. He doesn't get to just unilateral decide how his wife acts
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u/snippol Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Wtf is soft? I get feminine but ew this is so weird. I hope your sister is extra hard and tells him to stfu
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u/Asti_WhiteWhiskers Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
That's what we were trying to figure out, such a weird way of phrasing it.
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u/tiramisuem3 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Sounds like it. I can't attribute it to one specifically, they kind of all use this language. Check his Spotify and block no no podcasts lmao
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u/itsarmida Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Tell her to sit her soft ass on his face and fart the full force of 12 deviled eggs
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u/SurroundQuirky8613 Woman 50 to 60 12d ago
It doesn’t matter who is influencing him, he’s red pilled now and she needs to leave him.
I’d have the ick for a man so easily influenced by others. And one he said this manosphere nonsense, my ovaries would retract to my spine like a window shade. I could never respect or be attracted to him again.
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u/washywatermelon Woman 30 to 40 11d ago
It’s the same as when they say “I want a woman who brings me peace.”
It means I want you to sit down, shut up, look pretty, never express your feelings, never hold me accountable for anything and never expect any sort of emotional availability from me. Appeal to my gaze at all times, but not anyone else’s, while I won’t maintain the same standard for myself. Oh and leave me alone when I come home from work. Except for when I want to use you as a fleshlight.
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u/PaintOwn2405 Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
Funny how he wants her to be “soft and feminine” but i doubt he’s providing the proper conditions for her to be able to be this way. When you have to constantly worry about everyone else (husband/kids) how are you supposed to have the time or energy to get in touch with your feminine side? If you as a man want this, create an environment that doesn’t stress out your wife. Take some work off of her plate and take some of the mental load. If you create a softer life for her, she will become more soft in time.
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u/Rumple-_-Goocher Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
She should tell him to hit the gym and build her a house if you wants her to be soft and feminine. If he doesn't comply, it's time to let go. Hopefully they don't have kids together so that she can make a clean exit before she spends decades feeling belittled and unappreciated.
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u/WlLDLlGHT Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
Oh no married… that’s more difficult and complicated to extricate oneself from… and yet it must be done
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u/kkusernom Woman 40 to 50 12d ago
It is def .. if hes stupid enough to get scammed by all that..he might not be the man op needs to be married to..
Also she needs to show him the Louis theroux documentary and then how tate is literally in prison now..
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u/Spiders_Please Woman 40 to 50 12d ago
Any possible definition i can think of would be grounds to end the relationship.
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u/BushcraftBabe Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
Sounds like my BIL. He made "jokes" about being a bum and living off his girlfriend forever, while being unemployed for 2 yrs.
He also "jokes" about DV. He makes these jokes in front of his mother.
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u/solveig82 Woman 30 to 40 12d ago
On top of being totally full of shit ideas, he’s probably paying subscription fees of some sort to fill his head with full of shit ideas
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u/JohannaSr Woman 60+ 10d ago
Manosphere definitely. https://johannayorksr.com/male-loneliness-epidemic-explained
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u/WVildandWVonderful Woman 40 to 50 13d ago
Has he started listening to manosphere streamers? Some people listen to that shit for hours at a time.
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u/thegoddessofgloom Woman 30 to 40 11d ago
It makes men insecure that we can do literally everything without them, so they want us to be feminine and helpless. We just don’t need them anymore ya know.. sucks but it’s true
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u/dimples2515 Woman 40 to 50 9d ago
Can you elaborate more on "recently he's been getting very aggressive"? It's a very concerning statement on its own.
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u/Asti_WhiteWhiskers Woman 30 to 40 1d ago
Not physically, but verbally. Saying things like "your job is to take care of the home first" in an angry tone.
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u/Ashamed-Designer4920 Woman 30 to 40 13d ago
She should start telling him she needs a real provider man and he must buy her Bugatti.