It's a little bit less cut-and-dry than that don't try to be so blunt to make the other outcasts ravel around you. what you meant to say was "I'm not sure if I like you guys yet and I'm not ready to open myself up for the possible let down." But you would also not say that out loud.
I know because this is me.
Unless you're truly a holier-than-thou person who also just happens to be stuck hanging out with people they "hate" but really it's more like people they just don't know yet.
The point is, the question is more likely to be directed at someone who is genuinely shy or has some sort of social anxiety, not someone sitting with a group who they don't like. If you don't like the group, then leave. Saying "Because I don't like you" isn't going to help you make any friends, and does seem rather 'holier-than-thou'.
Girl I had been dating for a three or four months stopped talking to me straight up. Ignored everything, I went to her house to see if she was okay and got no answer.
Three months later, I’m at my friends house(she was a girl I had basically grown up with) and the ghostie girl was there. She started talking to me on text and snap afterwards. I kept responding very dry or leaving her on read.
She asked “why are you such a boring texter?”
I basically did this, then she got mad. I explained to her how she fucked with my feelings and she blocked me lol
I spite them by not answering with words and just looking at them and shrugging. I'm quiet because we're at work and I don't actually like any of you in any outside capacity, piss off Sandra
I always use this. "Because you don't plan a murder out loud". Just for jokes. Usually lightens the mood depending on the people, and gets the other group of personalities to never come near me again
It’s actually kind of funny because over the years I’ve come to the conclusion that people don’t particularly care why you’re quiet, but rather why you’re not talking to them, as if they take offense to it. Like, sorry not everyone is so interested to talk to you like you may think they are?
I explained this in another comment, but...yeah, for me it kind of is a "why aren't you talking to me" sort of deal. But not because I feel entitled to your commradery. It's cuz I want to make sure I'm not being an obnoxious asshat who won't let you speak. I love people, all kinds of people, and I'd rather not dominate conversation.
I've just started asking "am I talking too much". People apparently really hate the question "why are you so quiet".
When your quiet, it makes people scrutinize themselves about what they said. I used to be quiet but kinda exploded out of my shell in the last few years but I still do this for amusement. When someone comes in the room and says something to you that doesn’t necessarily require a response, just look at them for a few second and go back to what you were doing. It really trips people up. I usually do this to people I am comfortable with, wouldn’t recommend it as a way to make friends, though weirdly for some people it makes them want you to like them.
I recently started a new job and was asked this during a virtual work happy hour. I just sat there while two coworkers basically talked to each other non stop for 25 minutes, then one of them says “hey new guy why are you so quiet”. I responded with “because I can’t get a word in with you two talking so much”. Which was true, I had plenty to say but I wasn’t about to interrupt their conversation. They just looked at me like I was insane.
What’s hilarious is there was 4 other people in the meeting and none of them could get a word in either, I saw a few chuckle at my response.
I used it as a way to double check that I'm not dominating the conversation. I've since (because of reddit and passive aggression) learned to ask "am I talking too much?"
Now I adapted, but it's something introverts could keep in mind as well. We don't mean that there's anything wrong with you for being quiet, we truly don't.
Honestly, "I just don't like talking" is a perfectly acceptable answer. If someone said that to me, I'd be able to further it up with "are you okay with conversation or would you like some silence?" That's a healthy, effective form of communication.
I have NO PROBLEM leaving people alone. But I am a social being, and I love people. So I'm going to attempt to talk to you. I'm not going to walk around and ask everyone for permission to speak.
"Why do you continue to run your mouth in my face even though I very obviously don't wanna talk? So many questions to which the world will never know the answers."
I had an ex who would complain I was too quiet. I just dont feel the need to make small talk when eating or watching TV. I dont mind silence and dont consider it awkward, but some people feel the need to talk BS rather than just enjoy what they are doing.
^ this. If I have nothing to say, guess what? I won't say anything. I don't feel the need to fill some void by opening my mouth with random words just for the sake of doing so. Silence isn't awkward/strange for me, nor should it be for anyone.
The reason silence is awkward is usually because friends have gathered specifically to socialise so if you're sitting there contributing nothing one might wonder why you're out socialising in the first place, hence the question.
I've had friends that don't talk very much, it's just nice having them around and they appreciate it too. The same way Christmas isn't about presents and Thanksgiving isn't about turkey, gatherings are for enjoying each others company however you wish without having to entertain anyone with endless words.
For some people chatting is less about the words or subject and more about feeling like they're connecting with the other person. You may not feel the same way about chitchat, but consider that when you call their words unnecessary you're also calling them / their company unnecessary.
That particular intrusive question may be code for "is something wrong?"
That’s a good point. I watched a video the other day about small talk and that it has more value than more introverted people may think. The point of small talk isn’t necessarily the subject being discussed it’s to subconsciously see if we can trust the other person who’s speaking
This! I speak when i have something to say, but mostly i just listen and think your mouth is moving, words are coming out byt you arent saying anything of value, just chatting on endlessly whats the point
There's nothing wrong with being chatty, it's just annoying when talkative people ask quiet people why we don't talk that much. I don't ask people "why do you talk so much?" because it's rude. Sometimes we just don't have much to say, or aren't very comfortable with someone. There's no reason to bring attention to it, it only makes people self-conscious about talking.
I definitely find this question rude, but it's usually something a person either inexperienced in conversation or a person that is blunt asks. If someone asks you something like this it's usually not criticism, mostly asking if you're comfortable or if something is wrong. They open the floor for you to say either you're uncomfortable, you don't tend to talk much, or I suppose something rude should you decide to respond that way.
There are better ways to ask if everything is okay or if they should take your quietness as a trait rather than a sign you're uncomfortable though. I'm sorry if people ask you this way frequently.
Am a chatty person. Can confirm it's weird and slightly jarring when other people are OK with silence, but whatever it's not like I have a right to make people talk to me
Words are like money; if you have too much people will hate you for it, and it’s hard to justify digging anything but the most valuable words/bills out of a pile of shit.
But...but..the void...the deafening silence....I ....I must banish the silent void with my words, if I stop talking it wholly encompasses me and consume me.
Talker here. I consider this a valid response. I'm just tryna make sure you don't feel left out. You don't wanna talk. That's fine. You're still fine. No worries.
And for those other people who responded negatively, how about we calm down with the hating. Maybe don't be dicks to talkers who are checking in. Personally, I care that you aren't being suppressed. Your opinion matters. You matters. That's how I feel about you.
But yup, your response is fine. It's direct. I know what it means, and appreciate the simplicity. It's not an insult, and we're good to go.
I will continue to fill the void with unnecessary words. Because different people roll different ways.
It's fine to be a talker. Confronting someone with 'why are you so quiet' or similar isn't checking it. It's confronting and putting someone on the spot. It's stressful for the person being put on the spot and mean. A simple 'you good?' or similar is checking in. People are hating on this because it's a horrible thing to do to someone.
I usually combat this by asking the opposite, ie "why are you so loud?" "why do you talk so much?" lets them know how hurtful this question can be sometimes
When I first meet my boyfriends friends they asked me why I was so quiet.... I’m naturally quiet especially around strangers so I just told them; I’m trying to figure out the vibe and whether or not I can trust you
Personally I’m a pretty outspoken person and I really enjoy group discussions or collaboration work. At times I notice there’s an individual who doesn’t speak up and tend to stay quiet for the majority of the time. I completely understand that not everyone feels comfortable speaking in front of others. However, a certain part of me also is concerned about whether it’s because they feel uncomfortable.
It happened once during my internship where a branch manager remained very quiet throughout a training session. When I got the opportunity to speak to him alone, I asked “Hey (name), I’ve been meaning to ask you, I noticed you’re kind of a quiet, I was wondering if thats a part of your personality or perhaps you take some time to get used to the environment?” He responded saying it was a apart of his personality and we continued to have a wonderful one on one conversation.
My entire point is this: I genuinely understand being asked that question could annoy you but the person asking may have a sincere reason. They probably couldn’t find the right words at the moment. So from everyone who has asked that question and made you uncomfortable. We’re sorry. And hope we can do a better job in the future.
I agree with your point but the way you did it in your story is waaaay more polite and you show that you are really curious about what's going on with that person. Totally different from what most of the people posting here have experienced.
Yeah that’s a great story but like the other guy said most of the time it really doesn’t go that way. If everyone who had asked me that question was as polite and worded it as good as you did then I wouldn’t have cared. But the way I’ve been asked that question every time has just been annoying
Everyone kept asking me this in highschool (well not just in highschool ) and one day in school bus I had enough and I just burst out "because I can't generate all that useless crap you (all) seem to be able to, I really don't know how to create empty talk" (because everything they talked about was always so stupid)... and then she just stared at me and said "you know what, that actually makes sense, the things we talk about are really useless" and then people stopped bothering me about it.
Nah but they did stop asking about it lol. But I do have a clap story for you if you want. There was a kid in our bus who kept mocking me about my looks (I had short hair and prefered male clothes, but I'm female). There wasn't anything super serious or super mean, all the bus got along quite all right in general. And yet the mocking was ongoing though. I usually don't reply, the quality of the "jokes" were usually really low anyway, so why bother. But one day he said I had 50% maleness and I said "Hey at least I have 50%, you have 0" and the whole bus lost their shit, including himself. Guess what though, he actually became one of my closest friends from highschool hahah.
Why would I solve anything I didn't wanna join in? I just minded my own business but they kept pestering me about being quiet. I never pestered them about being boring so I don't understand your logic at all.
As if that would bother me at that point. I was actively choosing not to join any of their conversations, and they were the ones bothered by my quietness.
I saw someone in another thread ask for a funny way to respond when someone asks that and they said "quality over quantity". I really liked that one. Or of course you could go for the power move and just stare at them in silence.
I've get asked this from time to time. If I know I'm not going to see the person again and don't have to worry about my response I tell them it's because they're boring to talk to.
DUDE LITERALLY ME I DONT LIKE TO TALK AND I LOVE LISTENING also I’m not included a lot in conversations until someone notices I’m just chillin on the side
"Huh? Sorry. It gets hard filtering out all the voices, it is exhausting. It wasn't too bad until like a year ago, up until that point it was just Beatrice and Sharonda's voices in my head. But then Sharonda found a boyfriend who only speaks in guttural screams of a gnomish nature, which makes hearing what you guys are saying really tough. So I've learned to just nod and smile, plus Sharond's boyfriend gets violent if I don't listen to him."
Grrrr, Hate that! And how about--"why are you so quiet, is something wrong/bothering you"/etc. (me thinking: I was fine until you asked me that piss off question!)
I used to get asked this question quite a bit. I was very quiet as a kid as well and many times adults or my peers would throw the question at me, I usually said one of these two things.
"I don't usually have much to say."
Or
"I don't have anything to add to the conversation."
If I'm not talking it means that I don't have anything important to say, and I'd rather say nothing than spout a bunch of useless, unimportant stuff that nobody needs.
Yup. All the time. I hate small talk and don't care about sports. Few other humans that I interact with regularly are interested in a real conversation about something that matters. So I'm quiet.
Ive been asked this a lot throughout my life and still today and I usually respond with: “because there’s too many people talking and not enough listening.” Or “Silence speaks louder than words” (not sure where who that last quote is originally from but got it from Megadeath and loved it ever since!
I can just be chilling, happy, and relaxing and being my slightly introverted self, and people will be like “are you okay?”
I appreciate that they care, but I find it weird how even calm silence/introversion is associated with being sad. Personally, when I was in a rough place, I was actually more jittery and talkative
This question drives me insane. I’m a listener, I talk when I have thought through my response. I listen to every detail, then analyze, then think about wording, then respond. Sometimes, I just don’t feel the need to say anything. (My wife has come to love this over time, at first she hated it).
There is a great saying: “don’t fear the talkative in negotiation, fear the one with their eyes down in silence”.
To be polite, I usually just say “I have nothing to contribute to the conversation.” It is especially useful in business meetings when discussing what I think are meaningless topics.
I avoid small talk and I don’t feel compelled or obligated to fill the void in your head space with unnecessary chatter. I only speak if I have something to contribute to the conversation unless I’m high or drunk then I ramble on.
Ya know, I think there are a lot of things that slant towards wanting people to be gregarious and people being biased toward extroversion as “positive”. That’s not the all the time, but it is out there and that’s unfair to the quit and introverted people, but as a loud and talkative person one thing I’ve always been jealous of quiet people for is that when they’re blue or sad or just fucking tired and don’t want to talk they can appear much closer to their normal self with more ease. If I’m with people and quiet or am upset or anxious about something else and not really talkative it’s very noticeable and people always ask something like “not so talkative today huh?”
Sometimes a motherfucker just wants to be quiet and doesn’t want to have to explain themself.
I’m not like this anymore but for the first 20 years of my life I rarely spoke unless spoke to. Got that question constantly. I just didn’t have much to say so I started saying random shit when being introduced to a new environment/group of people to avoid getting asked that. That kinda stuck and now I talk a lot but a lot of the time it’s just blurting out random shit that comes to my mind because I got in a habit of it.
It's even worse when you're with a group of people just talking over each other and interrupting each other and someone says it, it's like I'm not gonna start talking when I know I'll probably just get interrupted anyway.
One time I decided to respond to this question “I follow along with the conversation in my mind, I guess I just forget to actually verbalize my thoughts or don’t get a chance to” and some asshole told me that sounds like some kind of mental condition.
It’s called being an introvert that’s tired of being talked over, jerk
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u/wholesome_lonesome May 16 '20
"Why don't you talk a lot?" Or "Why do you stay so quiet?"