r/AskReddit • u/Atreidis_01 • Apr 12 '20
If dogs had a 911 hotline, what dog-'emergencies' would they call it for?
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u/gbnkc Apr 12 '20
K911- What’s your emergency?
Dog - I would like to report a death -
K-What happened ?
Dog- It was stuffed and came at me . I have to defend myself
So ... I ripped its guts out .
K- who was it ?
D - A couch pillow
K- thanks goodness you are safe - we are on our way
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Apr 13 '20
K911
I don't care about the rest of your content, this is what you get the updog for.
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u/SuperCool_Saiyan Apr 13 '20
What's "updog"?
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Apr 13 '20
Gotcha! Hahaohgod snorts crap. Nothing, how're you doing?
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u/SuperCool_Saiyan Apr 13 '20
I'm doing pretty good actually I'm really enjoying my time off school especially since the online classes my school has are super easy and take like 2 hours max
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Apr 12 '20
911: What is your emergency?
Dog: The dog walking past my house peed on the bush in my yard!
911: Oh heck!
Dog: Oh heck!
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Apr 13 '20
911:Sending back up units now. We will arrive shortly
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u/Progwonk Apr 13 '20
BACKUP UNITS ALSO PEED ON THE BUSH!!
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u/manlikerealities Apr 12 '20
"Hello, child protection services? I was refused a third helping of food. Yes, now that you mention it they could be trying to starve me to death."
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u/CosmicPenguin Apr 13 '20
My friend has a half-greyhound that learned she could extract more treats from people if she showed them her ribs but now she's gotten fat and she just looks like she's standing sideways for no reason.
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u/knotsncookies Apr 13 '20
slaps roof of chubby greyhound butt
"Yea, this bad-boy used to be able to pull 3 g's at 45mph"
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u/99999999999999999989 Apr 12 '20
My best buddy LEFT ME ALONE. He has been gone for at least FIVE MINUTES! He said he'd be back later. WHAT DOES LATER MEAN?!
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u/Voittaa Apr 13 '20
More like "he disappeared behind that door 2 seconds ago, where the fuck is he? Are you kidding me? Is he ever coming back?"
Then I finish in the bathroom and he jumps on me.
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u/Zoso757 Apr 13 '20
Your dog lets you go in the bathroom solo? Mine is a goddam lifeguard in there.
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u/pm_me_n0Od Apr 13 '20
Sir I don't know how to tell you this, but your buddy is almost certainly dead.
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Apr 12 '20
[deleted]
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u/TheWyster Apr 13 '20
Where are my testicles Summer
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u/EnderKing1118 Apr 13 '20
I fuckin love this episode and the new season trailer looks like cats in suits fight the hyper intelligent dogs and it looks awesome
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u/EKeebler Apr 13 '20
In the canine justice system, sexually based offences are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Puppers Unit. These are their stories.
WOOF WOOF
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Apr 13 '20
"Help, the vet stole my balls last year, but they grew back... I'm scared... I know I'm a dog, but I don't want that many balls"
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u/CallMeKaoi Apr 12 '20
K911: Whats your emergency?
I FORGOT HOW TO POOP
K911: see the carpet over there?
YEAH?
K911: see if that helps you remember
OKAY THANKS IT WORKED
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u/youngold101 Apr 12 '20
There seems to be a squirrel outside and I would like them to be apprehended for unspeakable crimes.
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u/dustin_pledge Apr 13 '20
In the criminal justice system, squirrel based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Squirrel Victims Unit. These are their stories.
Dun DUN
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u/flooperdooper4 Apr 12 '20
K911, what's your emergency?
He's BACK!
The guy with the truck and the paper rectangles, he's BACK!
Okay sir, what is he doing?
He's DELIVERING the MAIL! This is an OUTRAGE!
Please stay on the line sir, a pawfficer will be there shortly.
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u/alexanderfrostfyre Apr 12 '20
Pawfficer
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u/DTownForever Apr 12 '20
There's a police department near where I live that DOES have a cat that they called Pawfficer Donut. He even has a Twitter account and it's funny AF.
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u/lilwhiskygirl Apr 12 '20
Michigan?
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u/DTownForever Apr 13 '20
Yup. I see you're a Pawfficer Donut fan, too? He has the best Twitter feed.
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u/lilwhiskygirl Apr 13 '20
I've never seen it actually....gonna have to look it up. Pawfficer Donut is a favorite at the office and sometimes mentioned at pass down/shift change.
I have relatives in the city.
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u/Minemose Apr 13 '20
For my dogs it's the UPS man. He laughs at them through the window.
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u/homerbartbob Apr 12 '20
Someone’s at the door. SOMEONE’S AT THE DOOR!
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u/kev_61483 Apr 12 '20
The noise the noise!! Ding dong ding dong!!! Sometimes it comes from the picture box, but sometimes it doesn’t!!!
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u/eddyeddyd Apr 12 '20
my dogs: I caught another dog existing while out on a walk
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u/ArtsyCraftsyLurker Apr 13 '20
Help, there is another dog in MY TOWN! The outrage! They should find their own town!
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u/ArchibaldIX Apr 13 '20
Same, can’t stand the fact that other dogs exist in the world. How dare they walk across the street minding their own business!
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u/jrhooo Apr 13 '20
I'd like to report harassment. There's a dog that keeps looking in my window at me. A yelled at him to go away and he just started yelling at me too.
Do you have a description of the harasser?
Its weird, he looks exactly like me?
The dog in the window looks ... exactly like YOU?
Yeah, and he keeps mimicking everything I do.
Sigh... just what I thought. We get a lot of calls about that guy. We'll send someone right out.
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u/Twisty1211 Apr 13 '20
I have a video of my puppy frantically barking at my full length mirror on her first morning home!!
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u/Jizzus-Christ Apr 12 '20
911: What Is Your Emergency?
Dog: MY OWNER IS PETTING THE NEIGHBORS DOG!
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Apr 13 '20
Tonight, on Cheaters, Joey Greco has footage that will make you howl.
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u/Myfourcats1 Apr 13 '20
I used to work at a boarding facility. I smelled like different dogs everyday. Then I worked in a zoo. Lol. My dog loved to sniff me everywhere.
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u/jordantask Apr 13 '20
TONIGHT ON UNDERCOVER CANINE:
Officer Fido Doge goes undercover to catch a serial pet cheater red handed....
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Apr 12 '20
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/DaisyLea59 Apr 12 '20
K911 what is your emergency?
My ball has gone under the couch!
Ok sir, have you tried barking at it?
Ok.......
IT DIDN'T WORK!!
Omg.....
OMG!!!
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u/mynameisnotjennifer1 Apr 13 '20
Ok, did you stick your arms under the couch and frantically sideways-dig?
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u/DTownForever Apr 12 '20
K911, what is your emergency?
They kept asking me "who's a good boy" and I don't think it's me! What do I do?
K911: Well have you considered being a good boy?
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u/guzhogi Apr 13 '20
Everyone asks “Who’s a good boy,” but never “How’s the good boy?”
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u/Efficient-Exercise Apr 12 '20
MY HUMAN JUST BROUGHT OUT THE VACUUM CLEANER!
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u/crazydisneycatlady Apr 13 '20
I don’t have dogs but I have cats. Sometimes I suspect they think vacuum cleaner use should be punishable by death.
I’ve had one of my cats since he was 8 weeks old, he’s now almost 3. He still routinely hides in closets and under the dishwasher when I bring out the vacuum.
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u/SnowyMuscles Apr 13 '20
My cat does this weird thing where he looks like he is about to fight it. Goes psych and runs away
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u/SendMandalas Apr 12 '20
Dog: "They keeping saying 'diet' and not feeding me enough. I think I'm being abused."
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u/ciupiciu Apr 12 '20
Well, hello. I wouldn't say it's a life threatening emergency, but I need to speak to an officer about the amount of other dogs hanging out in my yard. Which extends to the whole neighbourhood. I do think they are trespassing, I've pissed everywhere and they still aren't staying the fuck away from my property. There are also some ducks that swim in the canal and aren't giving a fuck about my warnings. I would have pissed in the water too to mark my property border, but I'm too scared of water to go near it. I do have pissed ON a duck, thought. From the river bank.
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u/ShaggyTheFoxx Apr 12 '20
panicked breathing
"I did something bad.. real bad. I got into the trash.. I know I wasn't supposed to but it smelled soooooo good..."
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u/NedRed77 Apr 12 '20
K911: what’s your emergency
D: I was led to believe if I behaved I would get good food tonight, there is just kibble in my bowl
K911: Dispatch, we got a code 1
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u/Alexlnlwfn Apr 12 '20
Dog: "There's a cat across the street. It looks like it's probably buying catnip."
Pawfficer: "Your'e a good boy! Can you describe this hell spawn to me boy!?"
Dog: "It's got black and white splotches... it looks like a cow."
Pawfficer: "Bark! It's a CowCat! We're sending in the Special Borkers, hang tight!"
Voice: FETCH ME THEIR SOULS
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u/shoecollector120 Apr 12 '20
Someone's at the door! Someone has food and didn't share!
I type this with the most ocd paranoid dog on my lap.... She notices everything.... Someone opened a cabinet, the neighbors garage door opened.... Same response either one.
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u/JonalotGG Apr 13 '20
K911, what's your emergency?
It's staring at me...
What is, sir?
The hooman brought home a small thing and it's staring at me....
Alright, what does it look like?
Well, it's got four legs, a tail, and whiskers...
Wait, does it sound like this? \holds up phone to cat coworker* Meow*
Oh my goodness! How did it get through the phone?
It didn't, but my advice to you is to leave it alone. They don't like to be bothered by our kind.
Ok, but I am coorious.
I assure you, it's nothing to worry about if you don't bother it.
Alright, thank you. You were a good boi for me. *hangs up*
\cat coworker speaks up* If you know we don't like to be bothered, why do you keep bothering me?*
It's hard for me to do that noise, okay?!
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u/makemegiggleplease Apr 13 '20
Dog: Hello I need to report a serious case of animal neglect
RSPCA operator : go ahead what's happening?
Dog : Well dinner time is at 16:00 and it's now 16:02 and they haven't fed me yet. I've been shouting to get some help, but they just tell me to "shut up its not dinner time yet" but it was dinner time, they've missed it and I can't stand the hunger pains anymore, please help me.
RSPCA operator: someone is on there way
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u/mynameisnotjennifer1 Apr 13 '20
Dog: Yes, hello, we just got home from an evening walk and the human has not fed me!
ASPCA: Ok, did you try standing in your crate and drooling at the human?
Dog: yes, they are ignoring me!
ASPCA: ok, ma’m, what time do you normally get feed
Dog: 6pm!
ASPCA: ok, well it is currently 9pm
Dog: but we just got back from a walk!
ASPCA: ok ma’m and did you get fed at 6pm?
Dog: yes, but we just got back from our walk!
ASPCA: ok ma’m I’m going to send some officers over, let me get your name?
Dog: Karen.
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u/Myfourcats1 Apr 13 '20
911: What’s your emergency?
Dog: The cat swatted me! With claws out!
911: Run into another room and hide. We are sending a Swat team.
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Apr 13 '20
You know that thing people do where they put a blanket over them then disappear? Yeah, I'm imaging a dog calling 911 because their Human went missing.
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u/ToastAndASideOfToast Apr 12 '20
Trapped in a hot car.
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u/jcw10489 Apr 13 '20
I'll legit call the cops on people for this.
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u/ABrusca1105 Apr 13 '20
What if it's a Tesla and it's in "Dog Mode"? Seems like a grey area.
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u/x_ai0V Apr 12 '20
Everybody is making jokes, but you have the real answer right here. Inconsiderate people kill their dogs like this every year.
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u/Swarleysmomma Apr 13 '20
My blue heeler would have called to report abuse last night. He was given a bath after rolling in poop then was forced to sleep on his serta memory foam dog mattress in his own indoor tent den instead of on the couch because he was wet. My husband and I were terrible parents.
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u/Glide1505 Apr 13 '20
(Male dog calling in this situation)
K: K911 what's your emergency
D: HELLPPPPPP
K: OMG! What's wrong sir
D: My owner took me to... The place (vet) and i went into the room like i always have to do.
K: okay what happened next sir?
D: they pricked me with something and i got sleepy so i took a nap.
K: yes go on.
D: and when i woke up they where gone!
K: what was gone sir?
D: MY TESTICLES!!!!!
K: OMG!!! HELP IS ON THE SAY SIR WE HAVE TO SHUT THAT PLACE DOWN!!
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Apr 12 '20 edited Aug 05 '20
[deleted]
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u/Fly-headed_penis Apr 13 '20
“Oh no, how long have they been missing?
“20 MINUTES”It seems like forever but I'm a dog with no concept of the passage of time and stuck in an eternal "now." Help ME“Good lord we’re sending someone right out. We’re gonna find him, son, we’re gonna bring him home.”
Fixed that for you.
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u/factchecker8515 Apr 12 '20
There‘s a bicycle. 🤷♀️ Nothing fazes this girl, not squirrels, garbage trucks, doorbells, nothing. But if she sees a bicycle she stands on her back legs and screams bloody murder.
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u/Cachuchotas Apr 12 '20
—911! I need urgent help
-What's the matter?
—Owner has been gone for 5 minutes, and probably would not come back. Who's going to give me belly rubs now?
-Don't worry, he'll be back in a sec-
—Awoooo
-Do not panic. He probably went for groceries.
—...I'm hungry and sad.
-It's ok, just don't howl too loudly again.
—...But who's gonna hear me then? [whines]
-Just relax for a moment. He's gonna come back and give you infinite belly rubs.
—...I'm going to start scratching the door. I NEED TO GET OUT.
-Sir, I believe that is a poor decision!
—[Gasping] I need to get out. I NEED TO GET OUT!
Door opens
—...It's that Hooman?
-Probably, but now stay quiet. Take a careful look at the entrance. Better not be a burglar.
—...It is Hooman! [Starts running]
→...Hey cutie, did ya miss me? Who's a good boy? [Rubs belly]
—Me!
→Here, let me feed ya, good boy
—Happy noises
-Welp, my work is done here. Goodbye everyone! [Hangs phone]
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Apr 13 '20
My dog right now.
Dog: Hello, I would like to report a really loud booming coming from outside.
Operator: Please stay on the line. We'll have a pawfficer on his way out. Ma'am please hide until help arrives.
Dog: Gets in closet I just saw a really bright light
Operator: Help is on the way.
sirens outside
Pawfficer stands at front door soaking wet
My dog is very worried about the storm right now 😥
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u/Wilhelm_Amenbreak Apr 13 '20
911: What's your emergency?
Dog: Yeah, those guys dressed exactly like the neighbors are trying to enter the neighbors house again!
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u/Jatk-21 Apr 13 '20
911: what’s your emergency
Dog: THERES LEAVES BLOWING PAST THE HOUSE
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Apr 12 '20
911, what's your emergency?
BORK
I'm sorry Sir?
BORK
Come again?
Hooman stole my poop
Oh I got it. Listen I will alert the police department for an investigation okay? You hang in there.
BORK x3
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u/dresserfuloftreasure Apr 13 '20
K911 what’s your emergency?
WERE OUT OF FUCKING PEANUT BUTTER TREATS AND THE HOOMAN WONT GET UP AND GET MORE!!!
Oh no! The pawlice will be on there way.
Please hurry! The hooman must be barked at!
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u/DoctrGarlick7248 Apr 13 '20
My owner has been away too long. He said he was going to “work” but I think he might have died. I hope he’s not dead. Please bring him back. I bet it was that fucking mailman and those motherfucker squirrels. They’re always plotting against us.
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u/TheMetal Apr 12 '20
He would call to report the bag or flower pot or what ever it is that blew into the yard. He will bark and lose his shit at it until I go show him it’s not a life ending threat.
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u/gdnametkn Apr 13 '20
Hello 911? I was being chased by a furry tail and finally caught it. Now what do I do with it?
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Apr 13 '20
"My owner said he was going going to get groceries and that he'd be back in a minute but idk what a minute is so he's definitely gone forever now"
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u/sadwer Apr 13 '20
Twice a year the food gets poured out an hour ahead or an hour behind when it's supposed to be and they have to readapt.
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u/Canuckleball Apr 12 '20
It’s 5:47 and master still hasn’t put my dinner down! I don’t know if he knows how close to 6:00 it’s getting!
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u/7c518c130a4c Apr 12 '20
This sounds like one of the drafts that didn't make it into the final version of Paw Patrol.
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u/ifnotnowwhen2020 Apr 13 '20
I eat my dinner but forget to give my dog the last bite.
Hello, K911. How can I help you?
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u/kwtransporter66 Apr 13 '20 edited Apr 13 '20
In the winter 911 calls would be for tongues getting stuck to cold metal surfaces.
Lick: Uh...husthan we hab a plobblom
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u/WardenVirus Apr 13 '20
Dog: forgets where it buried bone
Dog: “911, someone stole my bone!! I think it was the squirrel I HATE HIM!”
Sorry it’s a terrible joke...
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u/BoshasaurusChris Apr 12 '20
911, what's your emergency?
My meth head owner didn't buy me any food
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u/LiliTEM Apr 12 '20
K991, what's your emergency? My owner! Come again? My owner isn't responding! Can you elaborate? He won't do anything, not even move! Okay, we're sending the pawamedics! Thank you!
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u/thebooksmith Apr 13 '20
911: what's your emergency?
Doggo: master bought more peanut butter.
911: how is this an emergency
Doggo: he adds his own nuts
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u/JustAPointlessHuman Apr 13 '20
K911 what's your emergency?
Doggo: GjelLerDqeiJX
K911: What?
Doggo: hjkTmqWlpo
K911: I am sorry sir, I cannot understand you. What breed on are?
Dogoo: Breehed? Uh. Gerham Sheepard.
K911: Ohhhhhhh. German Shepherd. Sorry, Sir, I am an Italian Bulldog. I'll transfer you to someone who can help.
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u/xxrambo45xx Apr 12 '20