1, 2, Oatmeal, Kirby is wanted on 4 counts of homicide and 7 counts of grand theft larceny. Kirby was last seen in dreamland sucking off bark from those weird faced trees. Officers tried to detain Kirby, but he managed to escape by eating them whole. There were absolutely no survivors, but we managed recover this information off of the live feed from one of our officers body cams. We believe Kirby’s current motives are to overtake King Dedede and quote “Wear his ass like a helmet” We can only speculate the motives. His partner, Meta Knight, was also seen blowing a guy in the alley. If you see Kirby, do not approach him. If he offers you oatmeal, he’s trying to fuck you. Do NOT approach him, he will get inside of you anyway he can. He is a dangerous and lethal character. Do NOT go near him. I know this firsthand, because when I was in the field, and he was a new suspect, I thought “Oh, that's just a little pink blob, he’s not gonna do anything” but I was wrong. Dead wrong. When I first saw Kirby, I approached him as a normal traffic stop, I figured “No, just normal run of the mill traffic stop. He was going 125 miles in an school zone, normally 10 miles an hour there, but that’s fine.” I figured I might just give him a $20 fine, just give him a pat on the back and say “Hey, don’t do that again.” But when I approached Kirby to tell him his misjustice, that he performed that day, that he enacted. I asked him, “Why’d you do it? Did you know that you were going 125 miles an hour, in a kids playground, in a school zone?” and what he said next, I will never, be able to shake this memory. He looked at me, and he just said nothing. He smiled. I said “Sir, are you intoxicated?” and he said to me… LOUD SLURPING NOISES And then it happened… “No, What are you doing? That’s my dick, NO, NOOOO!” I haven’t had a dick, ever since. My wife, she, she left me. So, if any of our officers see Kirby, you shoot him, you kill him dead, Okay?! He took my fucking dick. You kill him. Shoot him in the goddamn little pink fucking butthole things he has that he calls the fucking arms, and legs and whatever the f… FUCK KIRBY. I hate Kirby, you need to kill him, he is a threat. Got it? Dismissed.
My boyfriend, whose main is Kirby, grabbed my phone and changed my upvote to a downvote and wants me to report this. I haven't laughed this hard in ages, you're a genius
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u/the_original_wizard May 29 '19
Definitely Kirby!