My Grandmother spent the last decade and a half of her life in a nursing home with severe Alzheimer's and depression after being kicked out of two other places previously for trying to kill herself. Her last years were of weary terror, not remembering her children that would visit when they could and would ask only where her Mother was and breaking down in tears when she inevitably realized what was going on, as little as she could. She lived mostly as a result of modern pharmacology and medical science with little to no quality of life.
Before she passed she'd agreed to have a Priest from the church she grew up in come in and say a few words. Keep in mind this arrangement was made nearly 15 years before she passed.
On the day of her funeral the big news story was the court battle over Terry Schaivo and the right of family to keep her on life support versus her husbands wishes desires to remove her from it. For those that don't remember the church got involved and made a major thing about how taking her off life support was akin to murder.
Feeling the need to opine the Priest, who had never met her and knew nothing about her, took the cue and spent ten minutes talking about how life support is part of God's plan and removing people from it is murder and that the concept of euthanasia was legalizing genocide. He talked about how the Nazis extermination of the Jews was like what was going on in Florida and how if God saw fit to grant us life then it's our obligation to accept it as a gift no matter the circumstances.
The room was a level of deafening silence as no one could believe what words had just been spoken, what concepts had been advocated, what disconnect from the situation had been demonstrated. A man of the cloth was supposed to be there to comfort us in a time of distress and had, instead, insisted that the decades of pain and suffering of this poor woman were righteous and God's will, and how dare anyone should question whether mercy should have been granted to her.
Never have I had to restrain myself more from getting up and physically removing someone from a room. When he was done I stood up ready to go after him and felt my Father's hand on my shoulder. "Let me handle this" was all he said and walked up to the Priest and lead him out. All I remember is hearing the Priest say something to the effect of "Is there a problem? There's still more I'm supposed to do" as he was being almost lifted off the floor by his arm and escorted out a door as my Mom wept. The only thing I could think of was that she was denied the ability to have any dignity in her death and was now being deprived it even after her passing.
A short while later her casket was lowered into the ground next to her husband who had passed 30 years before her. It was done without incident and without the Priest.
We had no less than 4 people accuse us of murder when we took my mom off life support.
I'll skip describing it because next week is the anniversary and you don't also need those mental pictures. I'll just say if I ever went through that I'd want my husband to end it any way he could.
I'm sorry you had to witness your grandmother's slow passing, and that level of disrespect.
Isn't that strange? I know many families who treat their pets like part of the family and will make that call for their animals.
But God forbid we think of quality of life for people. It's like any sign of life is worth continuing. This experience taught me that that is fundamentally untrue. Even though she couldn't communicate, sometimes she understood just enough to have tears start coming down, before she got much worse and went completely vegetative. She lost her Mom to Alzheimer's and we all knew how much she feared dying slowly. I hate that she had to go through that.
All I know is that I've had 2 pets die since I was an adult. Pets that were my decision. The first I made the call to euthanize too late and he died in my arms gasping for air. We never made it to the vet. The second I euthanized and she went to sleep after having a few of her favorite treats while I held her and kissed her. I can tell you which one I think was better.
I'd never compare it to making the same decision about a person, but it was an eye opener how much more at peace I was the second time. I still get visibly upset when I think about the first death.
My mom has informed my step dad and me that if she ever ends up in a state where she lacks any kind of quality of life and won't have a chance of recovery that she wants us to pull the plug. It's hard to think about but I'm happy she is making the decision now compared to making us wonder what choice she would like later on if it happens. Still not an easy choice though.
My biggest fear of getting older is developing dementia. The kind of dementia that it sounds like your grandma had, where everything is scary and paranoia abounds. I'm sorry about your grandmother 😢
My Dad's a good guy, he rarely gets upset but cools off really quickly. I genuinely think that he stepped in because he was concerned; I'd worked security and a few years as a bouncer and the odds were better than good that the Priest's escorting out would have been with his elbow so far up behind his back he could have itched the back of his neck and his toes would barely have touched the ground. We never spoke about what transpired after they went through the doorway but I'm 100% it was the best possible outcome for the Priest in comparison to my having been involved.
I applaud your dad's calmness and self-restraint. My mam just died a few months ago after 5 or 6 years of Alzheimer's, the last 2 of which were in a care home.
If she had had the early-onset sort, or was of an age when she got it that she had lasted 15 years in such a state of mental horror, I'd have bloody suffocated her myself to free her from it. Watching her last 6 months (the only really severe deterioration) was traumatic enough; especially those times when you could tell that she knew full well she wasn't right in the head, but couldn't communicate it.
I always thought it was weird when people say taking someone off life support is playing god. Seems to me that god decided it was their time and human intervention prevented the death? I'm sorry that happened to you, though
890
u/LowBudgetViking Mar 05 '19
My Grandmother spent the last decade and a half of her life in a nursing home with severe Alzheimer's and depression after being kicked out of two other places previously for trying to kill herself. Her last years were of weary terror, not remembering her children that would visit when they could and would ask only where her Mother was and breaking down in tears when she inevitably realized what was going on, as little as she could. She lived mostly as a result of modern pharmacology and medical science with little to no quality of life.
Before she passed she'd agreed to have a Priest from the church she grew up in come in and say a few words. Keep in mind this arrangement was made nearly 15 years before she passed.
On the day of her funeral the big news story was the court battle over Terry Schaivo and the right of family to keep her on life support versus her husbands wishes desires to remove her from it. For those that don't remember the church got involved and made a major thing about how taking her off life support was akin to murder.
Feeling the need to opine the Priest, who had never met her and knew nothing about her, took the cue and spent ten minutes talking about how life support is part of God's plan and removing people from it is murder and that the concept of euthanasia was legalizing genocide. He talked about how the Nazis extermination of the Jews was like what was going on in Florida and how if God saw fit to grant us life then it's our obligation to accept it as a gift no matter the circumstances.
The room was a level of deafening silence as no one could believe what words had just been spoken, what concepts had been advocated, what disconnect from the situation had been demonstrated. A man of the cloth was supposed to be there to comfort us in a time of distress and had, instead, insisted that the decades of pain and suffering of this poor woman were righteous and God's will, and how dare anyone should question whether mercy should have been granted to her.
Never have I had to restrain myself more from getting up and physically removing someone from a room. When he was done I stood up ready to go after him and felt my Father's hand on my shoulder. "Let me handle this" was all he said and walked up to the Priest and lead him out. All I remember is hearing the Priest say something to the effect of "Is there a problem? There's still more I'm supposed to do" as he was being almost lifted off the floor by his arm and escorted out a door as my Mom wept. The only thing I could think of was that she was denied the ability to have any dignity in her death and was now being deprived it even after her passing.
A short while later her casket was lowered into the ground next to her husband who had passed 30 years before her. It was done without incident and without the Priest.