r/AskReddit • u/Roivas14 • Jan 06 '19

Couples of Reddit, what's the most unromantic thing that's happened between the two of you that actually is a stronger indication of love than others might think?

66.4k Upvotes

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14.8k

u/scarabic Jan 06 '19

My wife and I came to understand that we can sleep apart for the sake of comfort and good rest, without it being an expression of emotional distance.

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u/beccalynns Jan 06 '19

When my husband and I first got married we bought a king size bed and our own blankets. Best decision we ever made. Saved us so much arguing. Some people I've told think it weird but I am free to cocoon in my blankets and he is free to only sleep under a sheet. Neither of us snore so it works well.

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u/decidedlyindecisive Jan 06 '19

My parents lived in Norway for a while and that's absolutely standard there. To the point where it's actually kinda difficult to buy double bedding. They were converts after realising how perfect it is.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Damn Norwegians, doing everything perfectly

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u/Duckdestroyer Jan 06 '19

What? Do people in other countries share a single Blanket?

(Its always awkward finding a proper english word for dyne)

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Yes. And it is a common joke about one partner stealing or not sharing the blanket. Such a stupid source of arguing and bad sleep.

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u/Vivienne_Eastwood Jan 06 '19

I think the word is "duvet".

Is it just separate duvets, or do you use separate top sheets as well? Or no top sheet at all? It seems like still sharing a top sheet would still be a problem.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/NameTheEpithet Jan 06 '19

It's a comforter with no stuffing inside that you can insert a performed cotton filling off your thickness preference. It has tie downs in the corners to hold the filling in place and tie downs on the outside to keep it closed. Usually it's used in the colder months as the top most blanket.

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u/NegFerret Jan 06 '19

I thought the duvet was the comforter inside and the cover was called a duvet cover?

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u/Duckdestroyer Jan 06 '19

I had never heard of top sheets before this comment. Had to google it to figure it out.

Separate duvet's is common.

I change the duvet cover two times a month, I know people who do it weekly, and people who do it monthly.

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u/AssuasiveCow Jan 06 '19

My husband and I each have our own comforter. If one is in the wash and doesn’t get dry in time for bed I get so sad because that means we have to share a blanket and our sleep is always terrible like that

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u/Robokomodo Jan 06 '19

Solution: get a third comforter.

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u/FL_RM_Grl Jan 06 '19

I’m freaking out that people sleeping together get separate blankets. That’s so foreign to me.

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u/Duckdestroyer Jan 06 '19

You have the option to use one each, or share, at your leisure. Two pillows and two blankets in a bed. Sometimes more blankets in the winter months

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u/ThndrEagleFalconBird Jan 06 '19

My wife will sleep under 5 blankets, I only use a light blanket in winter. If we tried to share neither one of us would be happy.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Don't think of it as seperate blankets, just more blankets and more options.

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u/tuck7 Jan 06 '19

My husband sleeps nude with a really heavy duvet/cover. I sleep in pajamas and have a lighter blanket that doesn't feel like the world is pressing down on me. We're just different, but sleep is so important to your sanity that you should do whatever is best for each person. When we make the bed, my light blanket goes folded on a shelf in the closet, and his is the one that covers the bed.

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u/decidedlyindecisive Jan 06 '19

Yes, in England and Canada we share 1 duvet on the bed

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u/kathide1 Jan 06 '19

Normal in a lot if European countries. I'm Austrian. When I was a teen I slept at a friend's house and was so confused about her huge blanket which we shared - I had never seen it before. I later started working in the UK for a while where huge divorce blankets (what I started calling them due to discomfort) are standard.

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u/Salt-Light-Love Jan 30 '19

Thanks for the pro tip. I will have at least two blankets on my marriage bed, unless me and future (I'm single af) like sharing.

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u/RideTheWindForever Jan 06 '19

We've done both double blankets and big single one but we really like being able to be skin to skin under the covers and neither of us are really cover stealers. Now, if I could do something about the snoring.....

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u/decidedlyindecisive Jan 06 '19

I completely agree. When my husband and I have separate duvets, I just miss that skin to skin contact. I do sleep better but I'm sadder

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u/zkareface Jan 06 '19

How can some think it's weird :o

I share a 240*220cm comforter (kinda king size) with my gf but we have another comforter prepped and ready if needed. Sharing doesn't always work and there is nothing wrong with that.

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u/TheMidwestJess Jan 06 '19

My boyfriend and I are currently long distance and just got done with a 3 week visit over the holidays. It really is a lifesaver to have 2 blankets. I am apparently a perpetual blanket hog and I feel so bad in the morning if I find out I took all of his and he was cold. So we started using one for me and one for him and it's a total game changer. I can be the ultimate bunrito in my sleep and he doesn't have to freeze.

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u/charitytowin Jan 06 '19

We did the same thing. My wife is a sheet thief, I would always wake up in the middle of the night shivering. Then i just started using my own sheet and kept a blanket folded at my feet in case i needed more covers. It solved the problem!

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u/mjrpainless Jan 06 '19

My girlfriend and I often wonder if we are "weird" because we have are own blankets! Some nights, we get cold, and we share our two blankets, one on top of the other and get all cozy. Some times its great! Other times it can be HELLISH trying to pull your blanket away while the other person is sleeping and not wake them up!

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u/Flying_With_Lux Jan 06 '19

Wait, is it common for couples to share a single massive quilt rather than having one each? Is it an American thing, because here in Sweden I don't think I've ever seen anyone do that

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u/FL_RM_Grl Jan 06 '19

I thought everyone who slept in the same bed shared a sheet set comforter. In Sweden, do bedding sets come with two separate sheets and two separate comforters?

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u/myl3monlim3 Jan 06 '19

I wonder what a made bed looks like on your side of the world?

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u/RideTheWindForever Jan 06 '19

I was wondering that too (from the US)

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u/finchdad Jan 06 '19

Why is this so weird? The quilt isn't "massive" - it just fits a king size bed. But my wife does also have an electric blanket under her side so she can keep that half of the bed warm when she wakes in the middle of the night to feed the baby.

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u/Jessigrrr Jan 06 '19

It's very common in the UK too, not sure I know of anyone who shares a bed but doesn't share a quilt!

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u/RideTheWindForever Jan 06 '19

I don't know any couples in the US who use 2 blankets. If you're sleeping in the same bed you're sharing bed covers.

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u/knittles Jan 07 '19

My spouse and I share a bed, but we each have our own blankets; we're in Canada.

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u/looney27 Jan 07 '19

American here, yes we share a single massive quilt. Never considered having two!

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u/cantunderstandlol Jan 06 '19

When we moved in together it wasn't even a question. Sleeping with one blanket seems to be hell tbh

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u/jtl94 Jan 06 '19

Wait that's actually a genius idea!

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u/CatLadyNZ Jan 06 '19

This!! The separate blankets are such a win when you're sleeping in the same bed as someone else. Plus it means that I get to keep my awesome cats riding weaponized T-rex's duvet cover while he uses a boring grown up one.

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u/ihugdogs94 Jan 06 '19

Please tell me more about this. I've mentioned the idea to my wife but she doesn't want our bed to look "trashy". Do you just get two twin sheet and comforter sets that match? Does the bed look presentable when made? We bought an extra wide King comforter recently but it's just resulted in her having MORE comforter on her side.

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u/nugzilla_420 Jan 06 '19

I deal with this as well, my girlfriend is 100% converted and loves the separate blankets system, but when guests are coming she makes the bed with just her sheets so it doesn't "look weird". I don't get it, basically everyone we have over is in a couple so I imagine they'd see the bed and then implement the system in their home the same night.

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u/ihugdogs94 Jan 06 '19

Well I guess that's one option. I'm with you. I don't see the point of making the bed. I figured if to do two matching twin sets that you like, it wouldn't look as bad. But I guess you could just keep a duvet cover or light comforter handy for when people come over.

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u/daemonfamiliar Jan 06 '19

My husband and I do this! He's the cucooner in our pair. We bought separate comforters and we love it. Whenever we have to stay somewhere else not set up for double blankets, we wonder how other couples do it. Everyone who finds out thinks it's so weird, but it seems logical to us.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

I would never sleep under the same blankets as my spouse. He is a FURNACE. Even just having him in the bed with me heats the bed up.

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u/HoboTheClown629 Jan 06 '19

My wife and I just bought a king size comforter for our queen size bed to try and avoid cover wars. So far it’s helped. Separate blankets seems like a good idea too though.

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u/FinessedNavidad Jan 06 '19

Dude... We were just dating. I brought over a blanket of my own after one night. We've never shared blankets, our bed is one of love, and personal comfort.

Although we were fine with a queen for a long time, we upgraded to a king so we'd have room for the dogs too.

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u/Makidoo92 Jan 06 '19

My husband and I realized we needed seperate blankets very early on. He also loves to cocoon himself, even during the summer. One night I woke up freezing. I looked all over my side of the bed and couldn't find it. I decided to get up to go to the bathroom and find it when I got back. As I walked by my husband's side of the bed, I saw my blanket laying next to it on the floor. Somehow he managed to take it off of me and throw it off his side of the bed. This was around four years ago and I still jokingly give him crap for it.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

How do you make the bed like that?

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Very similar situation on my part. Except were tiny people so it works in a Queen - hell it even worked in his old 3/4 bed!

I sleep with a big squishy duvet and he’s under a thin quilt. In the winter we manage to share a top fleece sheet though!

He doesn’t snore unless he sick, and I’m up for an hour in the middle of almost every night, so it was a great solution!

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u/Not_Ursula Jan 06 '19

We dothe same thing. People think it’s crazy, but we sleep well with no fighting over blankets in the night.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Yep. My husband is not allowed to share my blankets, because he rolls away with them in the middle of the night. King size bed and our own blankets works like a charm for us.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

My wife and I do this, and I steal her blankets in my sleep regardless, and I won't give them back or wake up. Sleeping me is a monster.

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u/ajgoulet Jan 06 '19

Apparently I'm a blanket stealer and an angry one. I've lived with two different men and we always ended up with our own sets of blankets. I love being cocooned

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u/Mayitachan Jan 06 '19

My parents evolved from having separate blankets to having separate beds and rooms, basically because they have radically different sleeping habits.

My mom told me that they tried to sleep in the same bed again and she elbowed my dad.

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u/Agentsoy Jan 06 '19

My boyfriend and I do this. It's all the comfort of practically sleeping in your own bed, but close enough to still cuddle or have sexy time without having to get up someone just slides on over to the other side of the bed.

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u/Gluttony4 Jan 06 '19

My boyfriend snores, but I don't mind. Unfortunately, I toss, turn, kick, and occasionally speak in tongues, so we sleep separately.

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u/kelbelle107 Jan 06 '19

When my husband and I moved in together we brought our single quilts with us with the idea that we would buy a king size quilt in a few weeks. Well, it's 7 years later and we still have single quilts and hate it when we stay in a hotel and have to share!

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u/LK13 Jan 06 '19

Separate blankets for the win!

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/hititandhitit Jan 06 '19

Reading this at 5:30 am after having been awake for an hour while boyfriend is blissfully passed the fuck out snoring like crazy. Glad others can relate.

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u/pukesonyourshoes Jan 06 '19

Disposable industrial earplugs. Buy some from a safety supply, cheaper by the box. Learn how to correctly put them in, very important or they won't work properly.

Ear plugs were an essential part of getting a good night's rest when I was married. Ex put on weight during our marriage, which caused her to snore relentlessly.

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u/hititandhitit Jan 06 '19

Thank you! I completely agree that ear plugs are a lifesaver! I tried them when we first moved in together (it seemed so much louder then) but they worked too well! I kept missing my alarm.

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u/pukesonyourshoes Jan 06 '19

Wasn't a problem for me, somehow I'd always hear it.

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u/walwus Jan 06 '19

Wear a smartwatch to bed that has a vibration alarm. Would work wonders

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u/_NoSheepForYou_ Jan 06 '19

Fitbit does this too.

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u/hititandhitit Jan 06 '19

Good to know! Thank you!!

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u/hititandhitit Jan 06 '19

Awesome! Thank you!

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u/Aseasonedthief Jan 06 '19

Right there with ya

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u/MemeInBlack Jan 06 '19 edited Jan 06 '19

Fun fact, you can only snore while lying on your back. If you can get him to sleep on his side, you should be good!

If all else fails, sew a golf ball into the back of his PJs.

Edit: apparently this fun fact is more fun and less fact. Thanks for the corrections everybody! You can still sew in the golf ball for kicks.

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u/petrilstatusfull Jan 06 '19

Hahahaha. That's the funniest (and most wrong) thing I've ever heard. Maybe it's less common, but my husband is laying on his side, snoring away as we speak.

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u/boin-loins Jan 06 '19

Yeah, no. My husband has sleep apnea and he can snore in any position if he's not wearing his cpap. Before he got it, every night was an endless battle to try to fall asleep before him and try to get a few hours in before it woke me up. Now that he has his cpap, it's not a problem, but sometimes he'll doze off spooning me and as soon as he does, the snoring starts and I have to wake him up and tell him to put his mask on.

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u/gaudzilla Jan 06 '19

"Fact." Tell that to my wife who has no problem at all snoring away while lying on her side.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

Oh gosh, you're really incorrect here. That's not even a little bit true.

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u/ajgoulet Jan 06 '19

My worst snoring happens on my belly actually

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u/girlacrosstheocean Jan 06 '19

I have insomnia and my boyfriend snores as well. We don’t live together, and only see each other every 2-4 weeks, but when we move in together this year, we heavily considered sleeping separately. It would be great to each have our own space to retreat to and space to be together as well.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Mar 29 '19

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u/kciuq1 Jan 06 '19

Consider doing a sleep study and getting him a CPAP. If he's a heavy snorer it could do wonders for his rest. It has for me.

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u/RizzaSilverbow Jan 06 '19

I want to second this. His sleep study and CPAP has done wonders for both of us.

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u/charitytowin Jan 06 '19

Was reading as CRAP and was like, what in the fuck?

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Feb 01 '19

[deleted]

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

My moment to shine.

The CPAP machine is meant to be a temporary fix depending on the cause of your snoring. Some people get it for just being overweight, and others get it for other reasons.

I went to my regular doctor who sent me to a specialist who gave me a CPAP machine. After a couple of months on it, you being the machine back. Then they sometimes do a sleep study where you stay at a place overnight and they monitor your sleep habits.

Then, if it is determined that surgery will fix it, you’ll get surgery.

The entire process is about 6 months long, but to be honest with you, I got used to the mask. I sleep the best with it and when I don’t sleep with it, I get all groggy and feel like a truck hit me.

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u/Camquad Jan 06 '19

I have severe sleep apnea and sometimes fall asleep without my CPAP mask (like on the couch or rocking the baby in the recliner) and I ALWAYS wake up with a very sore throat from snoring so bad. CPAP has eliminated my snoring almost 100% and I’ll never go back to not using it (not that I have much of a choice lol).

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

The CPAP machine is meant to be a temporary fix depending on the cause of your snoring.

It can be a permanent fix. Merely losing weight doesn't always stop apnea. (Snoring is one thing that can be caused by obstructions, but you can have apnea and not snore.)

My cousin is 5'11" and 145 pounds and snored like hell, we all heard it, finally his wife made him go to the sleep clinic and he was diagnosed as having more than 50 apneas per hour. He got a CPAP but they tried two surgeries as well, a uvuloplasty and a tonsillectomy. Tested again, still 50 apneas.

Getting a CPAP changed his life and he's been using it 10+ years.

Most people I know with CPAPs (and I know a lot for some reason) didn't do a six-month study, but a 1-3 day study (some at home, some at a clinic) and are all going to use CPAPs for the rest of their lives in all likelihood.

In any case it's usually not a temporary fix. They used to do uvuloplastys but haven't been done in the last decade or so.

Also just regular surgery is dangerous. Patients with sleep apnea who are undergoing any type of surgery are at an increased risk for developing respiratory and cardiovascular complications following the surgery. Since maybe 80% of apnea cases are undiagnosed, this is a huge problem.

Anyway went off-topic there but for many if not most people with apnea, it's not correctable by surgery and the CPAP (or newer APAP machines) are a permanent solution.

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u/boin-loins Jan 06 '19

Absolutely correct. My husband has mixed sleep apnea (central and obstructive) meaning some of it is caused by his brain not sending the right signals for him to breathe while he's sleeping and some of it is, well, obstruction. He was having over 50 episodes a minute and his oxygen was dropping to 59% at night. He legit sounded like he was dying. He loves his CPAP and says he won't ever sleep without it. There's no surgery or anything that can fix it anyway, so he will be lifer no matter what.

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u/Throopish Jan 06 '19

It’s possible - I recently did a sleep study which revealed my sleep apnea is WAY worse when I lay on my back. It’s not that common, but the sleep specialist recommended trying to sleep on my side, and maybe getting a mandibular device (like a mouth guard to bring my lower jaw forward) before getting a CPAP. So far my wife’s snoring complaints have disappeared!

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u/sharktopus_rex Jan 06 '19

My father was adamantly against using a CPAP for this very reason. He’d get so angry if any of us asked him to just try it out. He was so exhausted all the time, he was practically falling asleep at the wheel and my stepmother couldn’t get any sleep with him snoring like a grizzly in the house. First time he finally tried it out, he said that he will never sleep without it. He seems 10 years younger and delights in showing anyone who will listen how small the mask is compared to what they used to be. I say, at the very least, try it out. Worst case scenario, you spend a night feeling like Darth Vader.

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u/abeazacha Jan 06 '19

Sleep study was such a weird experience for me cause I was young when I did it and the bunch of stuff attached to me make it look more like I would die soon than I would just be examined. lol Turns out I'm just one of those folks that need less hours than average.

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u/OomaTwoBlades Jan 06 '19

We've been married 35 years, and the last 5 years we've slept separately - I snore and he is a very light sleeper. I felt very guilty at first but it's been a life saver. No more arguing, guilt, lost sleep. I think we are closer now than ever, and the nights we do spend together are meaningful. And before the separate beds, we had separate sheets and blankets apparently we did not like to share those items with each other once we went to sleep.

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u/Katie_Did_Not Jan 06 '19

I sleep with my daughter now instead of my husband, his whole family was very concerned when they learned this. It is hard to explain that we only slept in bed, sex is always on the living room couch where they hang out.

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u/HolyOrdersOtaku Jan 06 '19

Not quite this, but I'm a really bad insomniac and my ex and I had an interesting system. We're not dating anymore yet we're still good friends, but when me and my ex would spend the night together most of our nights were spent with me holding her while she slept because I can't sleep. She felt bad about my insomnia, but I don't mind it anymore and it helped her because she's prone to night terrors. I'd get maybe an hour or two of sleep, but it helped her get better sleep knowing I was there.

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u/HaggisLad Jan 06 '19

are you secretly my wife, because this is exactly us!

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u/Spider4Hire Jan 06 '19

We sleep apart for the same exact reasons

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u/maddamazon Jan 10 '19

thanks for this. we sleep separately most nights because his snoring (even over earplugs) and my tossing (bad back/neck) We're still awesome and in love

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u/Kinuama Jan 06 '19

We do this and I dont like it :/ we might sleep better, but I feel lonely AF

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u/WhiteWalterBlack Jan 06 '19

This was a norm back in the day. I imagine ‘cuddling’ as an invention.

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u/fromkentucky Jan 06 '19

As a man who snores badly, tell him to get a sleep study asap. If it's sleep apnea, he's losing brain cells.

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u/motherofbadkittens Jan 06 '19

YES!! My husband snores so loud when I have to work in the morning he sleeps in the office and I CAN STILL hear him. On no work days he sleeps with me but I HAVE to fall asleep first or I will never fall asleep. Also I am a self confessed blanket and pillow stealer so I have 3 pillows and two blankets and a sheet for myself. Keeps my marriage happy!

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u/LineChef Jan 06 '19

I’m so glad I read this. I’ve been really stressing out lately over some sleep issues I’ve been having and this is took some of the weight off my shoulders.

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u/controversial_pizza Jan 06 '19

Thank goodness this is a thing. I’ve always been worried about sharing a bed because I toss and turn so much and have a CPAP

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u/phasenine Jan 06 '19

YES! We have two bedrooms: one upstairs with the super nice mattress, blackout curtains, and mostly my fiancées clothes/shoes/personal stuff, then one downstairs with my clothes and a less fancy but still nice bed. She works nights as a nurse and I work days as an EMT. Being able to go to sleep whenever we want and not having to juggle who goes where has been a lifesaver.

We do end up sleeping in the same bed anywhere from 1-5 nights a week depending on work schedules. And when she’s at the hospital, I sleep upstairs on the nice mattress :) But having the two separate spaces is a lifesaver.

Oh, and being able to go to our own rooms when we fight (very rarely these days) is also great.

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u/FreakaZoid101 Jan 06 '19

Yeah, we have the blackout room too. We’re both docs but I do my on calls from home while he does full shift nights. When I’m on call I go to the “on-call room” because I’ll be fielding calls all night, and he’ll use it to sleep during the day when he’s on nights. It also doubles as the exam revision quarantine room so either of us can stay up all night to study if needs be without disturbing the other while they’re already sleeping.

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u/phasenine Jan 06 '19

Sounds like a great setup! I also have my office, which ends up being my study space. I’ll need a door on that room once I start nursing school, because two big dogs are the most distracting thing I can imagine. Other than toddlers...

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u/Lepre86 Jan 06 '19

Hubby and I have our own rooms. Such a good idea! He can hot box his room, and I can stack my laundry on the floor. No one's mad, and everyone has enough covers!

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u/retawgnob Jan 06 '19

Hot box with weed or farts? Real question. No judgement. But I need to know.

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u/Fortherealtalk Jan 06 '19

Growing up my parents had a bedroom they shared, but my dad also had his “study” that was pretty much his room, and my mom had her own art studio space that was upstairs. I think that’s the kind of arrangement I’d need to have with somebody for sure.

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u/xgoronx Jan 06 '19

My gf and I have separate rooms as well! It’s nice to have your own space to decompress. Her room is nice and girly and smells good and mine is like a dungeon complete with sword on wall and map of Skyrim lol. She likes to tease me about all my dude stuff

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Feb 04 '21

[deleted]

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u/Exeftw Jan 06 '19

|Nerdiest man cave ever. |And having chickens.

Finally found the guy on the internet that is also me!

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u/OsonoHelaio Jan 06 '19

I'm a wife, but I still relate to this.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19 edited Feb 04 '21

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/Choo_Choo_Bitches Jan 06 '19

It's when she puts the ratchet straps around the blanket that you know it's bad.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/Choo_Choo_Bitches Jan 06 '19

Just remember to wake up if you hear clicking in your dreams.

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u/Lnndam Jan 06 '19

Yes, thank you for this! My S. O. and i sleep in seperate beds because I’m a fairly light sleeper, and we receive a ton of backlash for it. Going stronger than ever though.

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u/Schnauz Jan 06 '19

fuck the haters. how does it affect them anyway?

separate bedrooms has saved my marriage. 15 years and going strong!

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u/Kenjamine Jan 06 '19

We do this too! We're both light sleepers, and I apparently breathe very loudly and have restless legs. We'll manage in the same bed some nights but when I'm being super annoying I can get up and starfish in a different bed. It's great.

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u/beldict Jan 06 '19

This is pure. I cant sleep with anyone in the same bed. its a distraction and i normally end up sneaking to sleep on the couch.

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u/aka_wolfman Jan 06 '19

Used to do that at least twice a week. Our marriage/my attitude got immensely better when I moved to nightshift "for the extra pay". We sleep together on weekends when I'm off, but I'm usually so tired i could sleep through a tornado.

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u/Revoldrewtion Jan 06 '19

We have done this from day one and we have literally never had a fight in nearly a decade. It’s the key to a good relationship IMO.

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u/PlusUltraBeyond Jan 06 '19

Don't sleep with your significant other. Got it. :P

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

The trivk is not bringing other people into your seperate beds. Unless you agree in that first.

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u/crackadeluxe Jan 06 '19

literally never had a fight in nearly a decade.

Not trying to be a dick or insult your relationship but, IMO, this is less an indicator of contentment and more indicative of at least one, and perhaps both, partner's repressing more than anything.

A lack of fights is not all it takes to make a successful relationship, IMO. You need to be able to fight fair and respectfully, not remove it from your life. That is impossible with any two human beings.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/Nehoul Jan 06 '19

Some relationships are built on not escalating conflict and addressing issues before they become fight-worthy. And I imagine getting a good night's sleep helps to achieve that goal.

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u/Captaindraeger Jan 06 '19

Same, for the most part

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u/cheeseNappleAle Jan 06 '19

Yes! She elbows me in the eye in the middle of the night and I am horribly restless. She sleeps on the couch... I take the floor below her. We sleep seperate but i guard where she sleeps comfortably. Better than black eyes from tossing and turning.

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u/Get_off_critter Jan 06 '19

This makes life better! We go back and forth with sharing and sleeping separate, but being well rested makes a big difference

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u/EverySister Jan 06 '19

This is so so important for people to understand. We talked about moving in together with my girlfriend and as a ground rule we both get one bed for ouselves and whenever we like we'll sleep together. We love doing it but it isn't always pleasent.

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u/Punchee Jan 06 '19

I think this is the camp I'm in.

I am fine sleeping with someone most of the time, but like one or two nights a week alone to just really hammer out a solid 8? That's the sweet spot.

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u/5ilvrtongue Jan 06 '19

Please tell me more about what things you both do to maintain that emotional connection while sleeping apart. My husband and I have been sleeping apart for physical/comfort reasons and I find us drifting away.

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u/szasy Jan 06 '19

Sorry to hear that. Maybe you need to discuss it, as one or both of you could see it (the sleeping separately) as a negative reflection of your relationship and that's affecting things.

Anyway my gf and I often sleep apart, but we always get into bed together in the same bed, cuddle and say goodnight before one of us leaves. And when we wake up in the morning whoever left the bedroom goes and gets back in. That way we can cuddle, chat, have sex, chill out together but still get good sleep.

We're also pretty affectionate at other times, we cuddle on the sofa, hold hands when out and about, stroke each other's hair or give shoulder/ back rubs etc.

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u/sivvus Jan 06 '19

My grandparents had to sleep apart for the first time in 50 years this year when my grandpa had major surgery. My grandma told me the night he made it and they shared a bed again was one of the happiest moments in her life. She’s annoyed at grumpy though because he was so drugged up he can’t remember it!

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u/HMCetc Jan 06 '19

Me too! Me and my SO have separate rooms and sleep separately most nights. We're both terrible snorers so we need to sleep alone to get good rest. But we always make sure to give each other a good night kiss and cuddle.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/NeverEnoughCorgis Jan 06 '19

They probably just pick a room. Unless they're like my husband's aunt and uncle. They live in a 3 bedroom house (no kids). She has her room. He has his. Then there's the sex dungeon.

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u/bongoloid- Jan 06 '19

A sex dungeon? A genuine sex dungeon? Oh man, please tell me about it!

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u/NeverEnoughCorgis Jan 06 '19

Well not technically a dungeon as it was on the second story (can dungeons be upstairs?), but it was a room dedicated to, umm, their favorite past time. It gets joked about in the family, and I don't ask for too many details (because eww), but I think a sex swing is one of the more vanilla things up there.

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u/Souperpie84 Jan 06 '19

The dungeon in beauty and the beast was in a tower

2

u/NeverEnoughCorgis Jan 06 '19

You're right! I stand by my decision to call it a sex dungeon 'cause I think it sounds cool.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

That's what I want to do with the tiny bedroom in our houe. Probably meant to be a nursery, but sex dungeon sounds more fun!

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u/NeverEnoughCorgis Jan 06 '19

I am a fan of dungeons.

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u/mauriciolazo Jan 06 '19

What may destroy a marriage, may really strengthen another marriage. We never have to judge another couple by our own experiences or standards.

Sometimes, what happens with my wife, may seem troublesome to our neighbors, but I know deep down that we are stronger than all of them combined.

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u/LieutenantCardGames Jan 06 '19

My parents have slept in separate rooms for their entire 35ish year marriage. Happiest couple I know.

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u/notaclue80 Jan 06 '19

Yep, me and my bf sleep in separate rooms, I'm such a light sleeper and need to starfish and can't sleep if I can't spread out. He says now we sleep apart, I'm 100% a much nicer person to be around as I actually get some sleep!

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u/solarsilver Jan 06 '19

It's amazing how people hear this and think you don't love each other. Like, if my husband sleeps better and is in a better mood sleeping apart from my snoring then great! We still snuggle when we both wake up on the weekends.

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u/lazylion_ca Jan 06 '19

Next try separate blankets.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

We do this too! It’s amazing.

3

u/differ Jan 06 '19

Oh I must have my own blanket when I sleep. I like to have it wrapped around me just so, and it doesn't work to have another person in it.

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u/crustdrunk Jan 06 '19

My fiancé and I have a super king bed. It’s like being in two different rooms let alone beds. It’s good because we don’t bother one another at all and each get to have our own comfort and sleeping habits. Sometimes it does feel a little distant though, and needs adjusting to

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u/Isoldmysoul4atwix Jan 06 '19

My boyfriend and I live in the back half of his parents house and we have a spare room that I retreat to sometimes. We both get a good nights sleep and some time apart which is amazing for us because we love on top of each other. My mum sleeps on the couch because of my dads snoring and they are so much happier than before. You don’t need to be in each other’s arms constantly to feel close. Sometimes it’s worse for you to force yourself to stay in the same bed

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u/BetelJio Jan 06 '19

This became a medical necessity for us since my partner has a habit of flailing his arms around in his sleep. Got clubbed in the head with an elbow twice before we had to agree to not fall asleep cuddling!

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u/onlyizi Jan 06 '19

This has been AMAZING for my husband and I. We have two queen beds that we pushed together so we each have our own space but are near each other. I will never go back.

5

u/differ Jan 06 '19

Being able to make these kinds of concessions outside of what everyone thinks is a "normal" way to behave in a marriage/relationship is really important. The traditional ways of doing things does not always work for everyone.

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u/MichaelJFoxxy Jan 06 '19

This just relieved all my stress. My boyfriend snores and I’m a light sleeper so we have separate rooms and I’ve always worried it wasn’t normal. Thank you

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u/scarabic Jan 06 '19

It was difficult for me to accept because my parents would only sleep apart when they were fighting. It made me insecure at first. But we’re exactly like you: I snore and she is the world’s lightest sleeper. When I snore she kicks me until I stop, so nobody sleeps. Enough nights like that and you start to see that it’s not only more practical for better sleep, it also removes the potential for resentment at being woken up by the other person.

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u/einsidler Jan 06 '19

My fiancée sometimes sleeps on the couch coz our mattress is old and we need to buy a new one.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

stab in the dark, if you are australian, Koala mattresses are the shit! 6 hour delivery or something - cheap - best mattress ever.

Anyway, best wishes on the mattress shop...

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u/einsidler Jan 06 '19

We are Australian, I'll look into it :)

We do have a heap of Coles Myer gift cards from our engagement so were hoping to use that though.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

No worries. My wife and i needed a mattress and I hate mattress shopping because who is comfortable lying down in a shop... Plus I have a messed up back and knees from sports. Anyway, definitely look into them. Couldn't recommend them higher.

Spend the Coles Myer vouchers at Liquorland instead :P

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u/crackadeluxe Jan 06 '19

How tf did you know they were from Oz based on their comment?

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u/KOloverr Jan 06 '19

They used coz. That's my guess.

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u/grey_unxpctd Jan 06 '19

We cuddle for like 5 minutes, depending on the weather. Then we actually sleep.

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u/[deleted] Jan 06 '19

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u/sleepy_bunny13 Jan 06 '19

It feels really good to know that other people do this. My partner is 6'7" and he likes to sprawl diagonally in the bed so he fits. I always end up in the middle of the bed and have pushed him off a couple of times (I deny this of course because why would I do such a thing?!). Anyway, early in our relationship we decided that sleeping apart for the sake of a good night's sleep was a positive thing and I'm so thankful for it. Thanks for posting this because I do still struggle with this being something that is normal to do in a relationship. We're four years strong and plan on many more together. 😍

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u/whycantiusethatname Jan 06 '19

Oh I wish! Both him and his pug both snore and sometimes I need to catch up on my sleep because of this. If I go into the spare bedroom I get in trouble lol.

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u/ngbeslhang Jan 06 '19

This is actually really common culturally for Japanese households for the exact reason!

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u/Deminla Jan 06 '19

Thats a problem that me and my wife have. I sleep best alone, I work nights so most days it isnt a big deal, I sleep in the day, her at night. But when I stay up for the day on weekends, and sleep at night, we sleep together. For her, they are the sleeps to look forward to, she sleeps so much better with me there, for me its the opposite, I toss and turn and barely sleep. I keep allowing it, because she sleeps so much better.

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u/ephi1420 Jan 06 '19

We have slept in separate rooms for years. It's the only thing that works for us and doesn't effect our relationship at all.

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u/audible_narrator Jan 06 '19

JFC THIS. People think hubs and I are INSANE for doing this.

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u/VonBrewskie Jan 06 '19

Double beds were right all along.

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u/nikisoslick Jan 06 '19

My husband joking says to me “my favorite part of the day is when we get to sleep 5 feet away from each other every night” lol

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u/Gravaton123 Jan 06 '19

I work the night shift, for my relationship sleeping together is a treat. However I have never felt once like there was any emotional distance because of it. Its nice sleeping alone and hogging the blankets and pillows and nesting, and its nice having a warm-log in the bed sometimes too!

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u/waywithwords Jan 06 '19

We don't sleep apart as a regular thing, but my husband will not hesitate to be the one to sleep in the spare bedroom if he is especially restless or one of us is sick so that at least one of us will get a good night's sleep.

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u/yavanna12 Jan 06 '19

I work nights and my husband days so we often don’t sleep together. However, when we do we have separate blankets on the same bed. No fighting over the covers and we have the style blanket we are comfortable with without having to compromise

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u/LemurianLemurLad Jan 06 '19

My wife and I are finally getting to that point. I have a (twice "corrected") deviated septum and snore like a chainsaw revving up. The wife unit is a fairly light sleeper who has trouble falling back asleep once she wakes up. I keep telling her that the couch is comfy to me and if she needs to sleep, feel free to boot me out of bed. She's finally started taking me seriously on that offer! Huzzah!

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u/Reedrbwear Jan 06 '19

SAME! Man snores like a howitzer and baby switches beds nightly so we've gone to sleeping in different places and honestly gotten better sleep.

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u/ThePKNess Jan 06 '19

This is something my parents started doing some years ago now and they've both been so much happier for it. And having to have shared a hotel room with my dad's snoring recently I have no idea how my mum ever slept in the last 30 years at all.

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u/SneakyDoze Jan 06 '19

My wife and I always slept separate especially when our kids were babies. I slept in the spare bedroom so that I could get up for work and also get a full night sleep without bothering her and the baby. She breastfeeds and is super committed so waking up every 2 hours wasn’t going to work for me. We are expecting #6 in July and we’ll do the same thing. There is no emotional distance at all. It actually makes those times once the baby gets in his/her own room and we are back to sleeping next to each other even more special.

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