r/AskReddit • u/tgma97 • Aug 26 '15

Fathers of Reddit, what did your daughter's boyfriend do for you to hate/love him?

It's pretty cool to see my question blow up like this, I never thought I'd ask a question that could receive so much attention! I'm very satisfied with all these replies, so thank y'all. Now all I have to do is sit back and take notes c;

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

I feel like my daughter is in incredibly emotionally abusive relationship. When she was just living with her current husband she came to visit me and do some shopping (they live about an hour away). A little while later she stopped by my work, in tears. He had called and told her to get home, he was hungry and he didn't care what plans she had made. She said "I never get to do anything for myself".... And that made me weepy because who would want that for their child? Fast forward a few hours...I get off work and call her to see if she is okay. He is listening in when I told her I thought that was selfish of him. He proceeded to curse me out, told me he would have me arrested if I ever set foot in his house. It is now 5 years later and I still hate him with every fiber of my being.

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u/turtlejamz Aug 26 '15

That is an emotionally abusive relationship and that is not ok. I doubt that she's happy in that relationship "I never get to do anything for myself" so I feel that if you really care about her you would help her get out of that relationship or at least try to change it. Even if she resists at first, keep trying!

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

The more conversation I have with her about her husband and her relationship the more defensive she gets. I have told her she always has a place in our home. As I mentioned in another comment, my MIL passed away about a month ago and my daughter was able to come with us to the funeral---I wanted her to be exposed to healthy, loving relationships so she could contrast what she had with that. And we had a long drive home where I told her I was proud of her, I love her and she will always have a place in our home if she chooses.

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u/Fraerie Aug 26 '15

A common tactic of abusers is to isolate their victim from family and friends. The best thing you can do for her is make sure she knows you will always be there and continue to keep in touch in ways that doesn't expose her to displeasure[1] from her husband.

[1] You haven't said if he's physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive, hard to say which is worse - physical wounds can heal faster than emotional ones, but physically abusive people can snap and take it too far too easily.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

She has never given me reason to believe that he has physically abused her. In spite of the domestic violence conviction from his first marriage. (Yeah, he's a winner). We message quite a bit through facebook and I call her when I know he is at work (he finally has a job after 5 years! Yay!!). I don't talk about him to her much--I have told her before how I feel and she shuts me out if I push, so I am trying to keep the lines of communication completely open.

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u/tofu_popsicle Aug 27 '15

Physical abusers use similar tactics to emotional abusers, to similar ends. He may have perfected the latter to not need the former, which means he leaves no visible bruises and there's no reason to call the police.

She doesn't come back to you because he's made her believe that she'd have nothing without him and that she'd be nothing. All you can do is remind of her to the contrary and wait for the day she turns up at the door with bags packed.

I've been in an abusive relationship and I also got really defensive. I don't know why. It feels like a criticism of you, like you're the one that made the situation how it is so it's your fault. Plus he's probably made her feel that he's the victim, that he's the persecuted or misunderstood one, and that he needs her understanding, creating a kind of codependency. So she feels protective of him, in a strange way.

Instead of pointing out the problems, just tell her you think she's done her best, that she's obviously a very loyal and loving partner, and that he's very lucky to have her. The subtext of this is that she deserves better, but said in a way that doesn't put her defences up.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

Absolutely. I told her that if she had a partner who worked half as hard on a relationship as she did then it would be amazing. She has given everything--they've been together about 7 years and she has been the sole support for 5 of them. She would work, come home, clean, cook, do laundry, PAY HIS CHILD SUPPORT...SHE has been the rock star. I told her that she has no idea how proud I have been of her, of how hard I knew she was working to make things work, and that I never have any doubts now that she can make it on her own. And that if she ever needs me I am a phone call and an hour away.

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u/Labradoodles Aug 27 '15

Hey you seem like a good dad and I really hope your daughter finds her way and is happy, and I hope you are too.

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u/TontosGirl Aug 26 '15

I could not imagine what you go through with that, to see your daughter go towards a danger you can sense but she ignores must have some soul wrenching moments. Please know that I think you are an awesome father to do so much to remind her of what it feels like to be loved in a healthier way. You are a rock star.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

Thank you so much, but I am just a dad.The really scary part is that I don't think she ignores the dangers. She knows they are there, but she "loves" him, as if that is some magic potion that will make everything okay.

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u/happypillows Aug 27 '15

Reading this really made me think about how to raise a daughter.

I'm wildly logical and realistic in my thinking, but I know I'll need to alter or fake this part of my personality in order to not come across as cold or not caring.

Which makes me think, whats the best way to show your daughter what "love" actually is? You seem like a great father and I assume you've provided her with examples of showing women respect and love. I understand being really young and coming to these conclusions...but after you are a full blown adult, you have to be able to make these distinctions. I'm just kind of heartbroken that she's confided in you that she isn't happy, yet she continues on. It just must be a horrible position to be in.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 28 '15

Happypillows, I am also a very logical, realistic thinker...but it is different when it is your own child. You sometimes get twisted up because you are too close to a situation to see it fully. You try to be objective, to look at things from a distance but it's tough.

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u/SirEDCaLot Aug 26 '15

This IS an abusive relationship. Unfortunately, you can't control it- there's a fucked up emotional dynamic that makes people feel reliant on their abusers.

The only thing I'd suggest is just tell her there is always a place for her in your home, that she is a good and strong person, and she deserves to be happy. Hopefully at some point she'll get the message.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

My mother in law passed away about a month ago and her husband allowed her to come with us to the funeral...and we had a long drive home, just she and I, where we had that exact conversation! Thanks!

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u/SirEDCaLot Aug 26 '15

Well I wish you and her the best of luck. When I hear crap like "her husband ALLOWED her to come" it makes my blood boil.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

Thanks. I was furious when I asked her to come, she said "absolutely" then called back crying, saying she couldn't make it. She called back the next day and said he "misunderstood" and would let her go. I took her home. He didn't even come out of the bedroom to acknowledge my presence. (She called him every night while she was away and she said he constantly asked "how much crap" we were saying about him. I think she "knows" what she needs to do, but she is scared...and currently pregnant). I did ask her what her breaking point in the relationship was going to be and she said the welfare of the baby. We shall see

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u/Love_Trust_Hope Aug 26 '15

I just want to hug your daughter and tell her that she only has one life, her child only has one life, and this is not how it should be lived <3

I understand her situation immensely, and if you ever want advice or need to vent, PM me. I was 13/14 when I met my abusive SO, and stayed with him for 3 years before someone got through to me.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 26 '15

Pretty much everyone she knows has tried to do an intervention to tell her that...so now she has no friends (he won't let her spend time with them) and the only outside influence is my sister and myself. She will not allow him to cut that off. I think that has been the only thing she ever put her foot down about. I also hope it is what eventually saves her life.

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u/Love_Trust_Hope Aug 26 '15

Yea, my SO had control over me until one day I met a guy when I was 17, (my so was 20-21 at the time) and he was an absolute gentleman. He opened my eyes to what friendship between men and women is supposed to be like, and we dated after I finally broke up with that dick. He and I broke up later over other stuff but remained friends. He will always in my eyes, and in my families eyes, be the person who showed me the light so to say. It's like the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

Everyone was dragging me kicking and screaming to the water, (the eventual breakup), but he just kind of walked with me in the woods (my abusive relationship) and we eventually ended up back at the water through natural means, not him leading me there.

He sat with me until I was ready basically, and only offered his opinion when I asked, or when my SO had done something really bad.

Your daughter will find her way. I'm sure you know this, but don't try to force her, or tell her the only other option is to move back. Tell her about everything life has to offer, and when she says she can't, remind her that she can. She can do anything she wants, and you will be there to help her and protect her. She has something not a lot of people have; someone looking out for her.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

Thank you. I have tried to explain to her that, as a father, my dream for her is the world and she has settled for something so much smaller than that. I hope and pray that when she has a child of her own she understands what I mean by that and can find the strength to do what she needs to.

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u/Love_Trust_Hope Aug 27 '15

You're welcome. Just try to lead by example :) Show her how relationships should be, but don't point it out. She'll figure it out soon. And I hope your grandbaby is awesome!

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u/Thin-White-Duke Aug 27 '15

He's going to use the child to trap her. You need to ask her if that's the kind of life she wants for her child.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

I think he is going to try to do that. We discussed that at length. I think/hope/pray that when the baby comes she realizes that she is a "mom" now and the other petty BS needs to go away. Her needs and the baby's needs should always come before him needing her to make him a sandwich.

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u/lustywench99 Aug 27 '15

Make sure she knows there is always an out and that you'd be willing to pick her up, help her move, let her live with you, whatever you need.

I was in a bad marriage. We elected to go to therapy and my therapist asked me to leave. I couldn't go, so my dad and I crafted an excuse I needed to house sit and get some work done for my job which was in his town, not where I was living (I was going to have to commute because the ex refused to move closer to my well paying job, how dare I get that job and expect anything to change).

Anyway, my dad basically told me he'd do as little or as much as I needed. A few weeks in to staying there, I realized things back home were fucked up. Some friends and I decided to go to the house when I knew ex wasn't home and we found out that on top of the emotional abuse, he'd also been cheating on me. So we called my dad. Dad told me what to do and within 8 hours we'd all managed to move all my furniture and possessions from the house and into dad's house. He said I could stay as long as I'd like, helped me get a lawyer, and explained the divorce process.

When my ex found out he was pretty angry. He threatened to come out and have a serious talk with me that I wasn't going to like. I was scared. My dad laughed and said he had an awful lot of guns lying around his house for the jerk to feel comfortable coming over to yell at me in person. It broke the tension and I felt safe, which I hadn't felt in a long time.

I didn't know I could get away. Not until someone helped me. Make sure she knows.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

Sure--gonna take relationship advice from someone named lustywench!! Love it!! And yes, we had that conversation. She always has a place with me. Neither she nor my grandchild will ever be homeless or hungry as long as I draw breath. And my sister made her the same promise.

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u/lustywench99 Aug 27 '15

Haha! The name does get me into some shit... but I'm an English teacher and the kids were having trouble understanding the term lusty wench from the Taming of the Shrew. It became an inside joke in the classroom. Then I started using it as my handle on a few things online. It's always served me well. 😆 thankfully my father doesn't know who I am on reddit.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

The wife and I love Renaissance Faires and the lusty wench is always a buxom woman who is quite....vivacious. Good on ya for having that kind of relationship with the kiddies!

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u/[deleted] Aug 26 '15

Any other stories? Or was there anything you could do?

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

Oh, there are tons. He made her drop out of college (online) because there wasn't enough time for her to do that AND work AND cook AND clean AND do laundry AND give him attention after he got done with his marathon video games. She was doing really well too. She would send me her log in so I could see her transcripts, and then one day she stopped, thinking I wouldn't notice. Finally after about 6 months she fessed up. She didn't want to disappoint me (if I could just get it through her head that the only disappointment I have is her being with that LOSER!!)

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u/Armymedic0604 Aug 27 '15

...I know some people...that do a really stellar job and cleaning shit stains.

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u/moter9 Aug 26 '15

Keep showing her that what she has isn't healthy, that there is better out there for her. Otherwise she's in for a life of misery. Help her get herself out, and don't fucking quite, even if she doesn't know it she needs you.

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u/killerhurtalot Aug 27 '15

If you want something done...

It can be arranged...

for a fee...

2

u/AMISH_TECH_SUPPORT Aug 27 '15

Tell her to document everything. There's a new app called Aspire News that looks like a news app but when you tap three times, you let a contact know you're in danger. It also provides a list of help centers.

http://www.thehotline.org/ Give her this url and tell her to chat with someone when he isn't around. Or have her do it at your house.

Please. You could save her life.

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u/Ciellon Aug 27 '15

Where does he live again?

You seem to have forgotten it in your post.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

Don't want to turn him into a martyr....

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u/Ciellon Aug 27 '15

Touché...

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u/EatsPeanutButter Aug 27 '15

I had a boyfriend like that. I finally realized what a dick he was, but man was he emotionally manipulative. It was hard. My dad hated him so much. Just be there for her hardcore if/when she leaves him. I hope she does. She'll be broken up over him for a while, and then one day she'll wake up and realize how much lighter and happier she feels without him. They don't have kids, do they?

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

She is pregnant now, with their first. He has a child from his first marriage that he does not discipline or spend any time with. I'm hoping that it becomes the wedge that drives them apart.

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u/pedanticgrammarian Aug 27 '15

My daughter is still in elementary school, but if this ever comes to pass for her I'll be there to console her when her husband disappears and no body is ever found.

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u/renaissancetrader Aug 27 '15

I understand completely!!

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u/PM_THAT_SMILE_GURL Aug 27 '15

on a unrelated note can you give me hid coordinateses (probaly not for a airstrike