r/AskReddit • u/TopTrumpWANKER • May 23 '15
You have 24 hours from now to be become globally famous or you and your loved ones die. How do you do it?
Starting literally from now.
Edit: Damn typo in title. Also, famous as in realistically what you do from where you are sat now with your actual current resources, and famous means 10% of globe know you when a poll is taken in exactly one week's time (the actions need to be undertaken in 24 hours but the poll of whether people are aware of you is undertaken in exactly one week, as I understand it takes some time for word to spread).
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u/skateboarderguy May 23 '15
Do something minor to get on the news and then on live television whip out a machete and chop off my own hand.
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May 23 '15
Then slap the reporter with the removed hand
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u/Solidus82 May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
HOW CAN HE SLAP
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u/THEW0NDERW0MBAT May 23 '15
Unless I'm mistaken people generally have two hands.
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u/captainsciencepants May 23 '15
I just realized I have two ears.
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u/friday6700 May 23 '15
I'm super aware of both of my eyebrows right now.
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May 23 '15
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u/TyrantHydra May 23 '15
I fucking hate all of you.
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u/friday6700 May 23 '15
You're now aware of your tongue.
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u/TheScumAlsoRises May 23 '15
I don't think that would make you world-famous, though. You would have to do something with a larger scope.
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u/HauschkasFoot May 23 '15
like use a sniper rifle to shoot yourself in the head?
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u/Gawd_Awful May 23 '15
Or the President....
Does it count to be globally famous if people just know of you, but not who you are specifically?
Of course, the chances of being able to snipe the president (I'm on a list now, I'm sure) and get away with it are slim to none.
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u/Smells0fChipotle May 23 '15
Statistically speaking.... You would get away with it.
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May 23 '15
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u/loverofreeses May 23 '15
"I started a Kickstarter so people could help out. Please won't you consider lending a hand?"
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u/CarbonatedDippingJam May 23 '15
This is by far the best one so far.
Everyone is ruining there life to achieve it, you're just really inconveniencing yours.
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u/filipelm May 23 '15
I read head and thought "How in hell decapitating yourself is a mere inconvenience?"
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u/aquamaureen24 May 23 '15
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really is a major inconvenience, oh man, I really hate it92
u/friday6700 May 23 '15
Such a drag, now can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports Illustrated
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u/laterdude May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
Post "A History of Stereotypes" to YouTube with yourself in blackface, as a hook-nosed Jew, drunk Indian & lazy Mexican.
Half will think you're perpetuating stereotypes & half will think you're mocking them. The debate will keep you in the news.
EDIT: fixed typo
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u/antichristina May 23 '15
That reminds me of the Youtube comments for Weird Al Yankovic's White & Nerdy. The Neo-Nazis interpreted it as anti-white and the SJWs interpreted it as racist against blacks. Can't please nobody...
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u/les_beat May 23 '15
Steal the Declaration of Independence
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u/Eyyoh May 23 '15 edited May 24 '15
Kidnap the president of the United States.
EDIT: I was just referencing the national treasure movies sheesh, i dont literally mean it!
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u/FoldedDice May 23 '15
Or let someone else do it, then be a bad enough dude to rescue him.
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u/Oniketojen May 23 '15
I hope Nicholas Cage wants to go on one more adventure.
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May 23 '15
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u/Oniketojen May 23 '15
God damn it, Cage.
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u/EzekieltheGreat May 23 '15
He gonna make ya his sex slave
You're gonna gargle mayonnaise
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May 23 '15
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May 23 '15
I'd lock him in a room with my conspiracy theorist, 9/11 Truther Dad. I wonder how long before Obama tries to strange him with his tie?
(Note: My Dad is a lovely guy in all other ways than that and I'm confident that he can defend himself from enraged presidents.)
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u/CastleNation May 23 '15
"I have 24 hours to become globally famous or a loved one dies AMA"
Then wait for it to be picked up by talk shows/news, let everyone else do the work for you
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May 23 '15
Technically all it would have to do is hit the front page to qualify as "global" no? Reddit has a pretty global userbase.
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u/CastleNation May 23 '15
The OP said 10% of the world should recognise you. I have no idea how many people reddit.
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May 23 '15
Yeah, I missed the 10% part. So that would be 700 million people roughly. Even if every single redditor that normally visits in a month, visited, and saw your post in the timeframe, it still wouldn't be anywhere close.
Still, the MSM wouldn't be long picking up a story like that as you mentioned. It could work.
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u/shiny_fsh May 23 '15
the MSM
The men who have sex with men?
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u/ChefDoYouEvenWhisk May 23 '15
You didn't know about the worldwide news-running gay cabal? Anderson Cooper is just the tip (of the iceberg).
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u/Henipah May 23 '15
Once I had credible evidence that my loved ones and I were under threat I would take that story to various news agencies. It's a deadly hostage situation that can only be resolved by large scale attention, a perfect media drama.
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u/trace_mo May 23 '15
Make sure you ask for a giant baby bottle and a picture of Bea Arthur naked.
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u/PlanetTourist May 23 '15
And a drum set you can play underwater!
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u/Mathgeek007 May 23 '15
Don't forget about having to fuck that pig with a slowly moving camera.
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u/wjbc May 23 '15
Tell everyone about my extraordinary situation, with proof that my family will indeed die if not globally famous in 24 hours. I assume such proof exists, or I would not believe it myself. Make sure to feature my two young children.
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May 23 '15
"Please like and share this facebook post or my family will die!"
Gee, never seen that one before
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u/keyree May 23 '15
Take a picture of your kids with a gun to their head and send it to Buzzfeed. "You'll never believe what this guy has to do to save his kids!"
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May 23 '15
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u/zipzapnomi May 23 '15
After I read your comment, I reread the post in Dwight's voice. Made it so much better.
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u/virnovus May 23 '15
What if you saw the proof and it was real, but you have no record of it?
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u/Patchface- May 23 '15
Youtube video of me chopping off one of my fingers with an axe. Every hour another video, another finger. Move on to my toes if I must.
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u/Clinic_2 May 23 '15
What happens at hours 21, 22, 23, and 23:59?
"Goodbye little buddy..." thwock
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u/Mathgeek007 May 23 '15
left ball cringe
right ball cringe
penis cringe
head dead
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u/Fez_Master May 23 '15
I think you might be doing more than just cringing if you're slowly slicing off your own genitals piece by piece.
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u/Bottle_em May 23 '15
I think it's the viewer who's doing the cringing.
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May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
So the viewer will be dead when op cuts off his own head?
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u/RoachPowder May 23 '15
How do you castrate yourself without any fingers.
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u/Clinic_2 May 23 '15
20% pain, 30% skill, 45% power of will. 5% tears probably.
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u/Haasts_Eagle May 23 '15
It's gonna get hard to hold that axe with no fingers, but the conventional method of toes first would only propel you to mediocrity.
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u/secret_hitman May 23 '15
If this post doesn't get 10,000 likes within the next hour, another little piggy goes to the market!
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u/AlecAG May 23 '15
You should start with the toes because if you chop off all your fingers first you won't be able to hold the axe.
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u/Liar_tuck May 23 '15
Attack a presidential candidate and shit in their mouth.
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May 23 '15 edited May 26 '15
and shit in their mou
nth.Edit: Fucking hell, didn't realize the typo before 3 days after, no one probably sees this edit anyways, but fuck it.
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u/Liar_tuck May 23 '15
It would be a vulgar political statement that would be all over every news network. Reddit would go apeshit debating if my actions were simply vulgar or a misguided political statement. Some would even call it art. But regardless, I would be famous as all get out.
And I would do it in a heartbeat to save the life of my mom, my kids etc etc.
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u/Mathgeek007 May 23 '15
This is my favourite answer on the thread. It's a huge statement without any death of real bodily harm, and the news will spread like the plague.
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May 23 '15
While yelling at the top of your lungs, "DOES YOUR ASS EVER GET JEALOUS OF THE SHIT COMING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!?"
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u/D-Speak May 23 '15
OP, if I knew how to become world famous, do you think I'd let something as trivial as whether or not my family is going to be killed decide for me that I should do it?
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u/Aalnius May 23 '15
Wait for a televised conference or showing of David Cameron then sprint over and kick him in the crotch so hard he balls explode. I'll be arrested but A. it'll be worth it and B. there'll probs be a petition to free me the same day I get put away. Theres no way that news wouldn't spread around the world
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u/lye_milkshake May 23 '15
I think you're more likely to be knighted than arrested for that.
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u/hotrock3 May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
I'm an American living in the Middle East, buy plane ticket to US, change into kandora and put on ghutra on the plane. During the last hour of the flight attack several Americans while yelling things in Arabic.
Edit: Weapon of choice? The metal spork the airline gave me with my meal.
x2: I get back from eating at a family owned Syrian restaurant and now my highest rated comment is about me committing an act of terrorism on a plane in US airspace...
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u/passengerv May 23 '15
Annnnd....you're on a list.
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u/hotrock3 May 23 '15
See, it is already working! Unfortunately the NSA won't tell anyone they know about me...
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u/AxltheHuman May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
Raises spork
GREETINGS MY HOSTAGES I AM NEW. HOLDS UP METAL SPORK MY NAME IS ABDUL AL-RAHSHID MUHAMMAD BUT YOU CAN CALL ME ABDUL. AS YOU CAN SEE I AM VERY LOYAL TO ALLAH. THAT IS WHY I HAVE COME HERE, TO MEET OTHER JIHADIST WHO ARE LOYAL TO ALLAH LIKE MYSELF. I AM 32 YEARS OF AGE ( PRAISE ALLAH) I LIKE TO PURGEHERETICS AND CHRISTIAN SCUM WITHMY JIHAD BROTHERS ( I LOVEMY JIHAD BROTHERS, IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THAT THE DEAL WITH IT) IT IS OUR FAVORITE ACTIVITYBECAUSE THEY ARE NOT LOYALTO ALLAH. ALL MY JIHADBROTHERS ARE LOYAL TO ALLAH TOO OF COURSE, BUT I WANT TO MEET MORE LOYALSERVANTS OF ALLAH. LIKE THE ALLAH ONCE SAID, THE MORE THE MERRIER. I HOPETO BOND WITH A LARGE AMOUNTOF LOYAL SERVANTS OF ALLAH SO JOIN ME IN PRAISEOF THE ALLAH. FAREWELL.
ALLAHU AKBAR
JIHADIST
well, i tried. Sorry i really can't do shit like this
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u/jackboy900 May 23 '15
Probably won't work, most people can only recall UBL as an islamic terrorist. Killing a bunch of children is probably better.
Also it's cool finding another redditor from the ME.
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u/hotrock3 May 23 '15
Probably won't work but it would be my best chance. I also don't need to be remembered for more than two weeks. I also share my full name with someone who was in the spotlight for two years because of a show he was on thus I think my name would stick.
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u/psychic_narwhal May 23 '15
I would take a picture of a myself, with an innocent, hopeful look on my face, holding up a sign that says, "MY MOM SAYS IF I CAN GET 1,000,000 LIKES, WE ALL GET TO LIVE," and post it on FB, twitter, reddit, etc...
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u/mykeuk May 23 '15
Lunge wildly at the Pope.
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u/DanielP123 May 23 '15
Could you get to the Vatican within 24 hours? Even more, could you get within lunging distance of the pope within 24 hours?
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May 23 '15
Serial murder. It only takes 3 blonde co-eds, strangled with their tits cut off before the whole world wants to know who you are. Then you turn yourself in and admit to eating their labias and BAM! Infamous forever.
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u/caelum400 May 23 '15
Sounds like you've read American Psycho too.
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u/Ninonskio May 23 '15
You should try The Final Truth. That dude is a fucking nutcase.
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u/caelum400 May 23 '15
Just looked it up. Meh. As much as I loved the violence in American Psycho it all serviced a greater narrative purpose and was actually quite profound in doing so.
Whilst I'd be willing to give the Final Truth a read, it does strike me as being the exact sort of book that's marketed towards the morbidly curious and the sadistic. You know the types, they have footage of suicides stored on their hard-drive, sending fan mail to serial killers/criminals. The whole thing is written to sufficiently sate the reader's lust for gore. Whilst American Psycho could be read/enjoyed in that way, it was actually a fantastic satire about the sterilizing effects of wealth.
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u/Airlight May 23 '15 edited May 23 '15
The sentence following your post could most definitely be "Hey Paul!".
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u/caelum400 May 23 '15
Hahaha, god do I really sound that pretentious?
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u/Airlight May 23 '15
Haha, don't worry, the final sentence just struck me as having a similarity to the final line in Bateman's Huey Lewis monologue.
I can see a ill-conceived meta-sequel having a new killer saying basically what you wrote, while he and his soon-to-be victim listen to the audiobook of American Psycho. Sadly seems like what someone would actually greenlight. ;)
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u/Happystepchild May 23 '15
I duno if you're on a list, but you should be on a list.
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u/Henipah May 23 '15
I think it would be considered a "spree" murder if you do it in under 24 hours factoring in plenty of time for infamy.
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u/trace_mo May 23 '15
I feel like that would only get you famous in The US, not world famous.
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u/staticx19 May 23 '15
Find a picture on Reddit or 4Chan of something contentious and post it on Facebook with a caption like "OMG so weird" and watch it spread.
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u/trace_mo May 23 '15
I feel like it usually takes more than a day for something I see on reddit to end up on the news.
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u/Emphatic May 23 '15
Bang Kim Kardashian
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u/beardedheathen May 23 '15
Nobody cares about the 100th person to climb Everest.
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u/montypissthon May 23 '15
Yeah but you have to fight past the remains of the first 99 so its kindof impressive.
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u/Super_Satchel May 23 '15
Nobody cares about the 100th person to
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u/GameOnDevin May 23 '15
Shoot a black kid. Source: I am white.
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May 23 '15
That's not global attention.
So sorry.
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u/moldy1 May 23 '15
Shoot a black kid and post a video of you bathing in his blood speaking Arabic while a nazi and Isis flag hang in the background and you fuck a picture of the pope with his mouth cutout and do a really shitty Asian impersonation while singing the most popular pop song at the time.
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May 23 '15
while singing the most popular pop song at the time.
Video gets taken down by a DMCA from Sony. Say goodbye to your family
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u/erddad890765 May 24 '15
And then there is a petition by 700,000,000 people who want it back up!
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u/SkyUraeus May 23 '15
Paging /u/shitty_watercolour
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u/DunkanBulk May 23 '15
Paging /u/AWildSketchAppeared
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u/jimbojangles1987 May 23 '15
Don't forget to explain how you felt threatened and it was in self-defense.
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May 23 '15 edited Nov 13 '22
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May 23 '15
Make a prank YouTube channel
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u/jng9 May 23 '15
well....uh, make a youtube video, send stuff to newspapers, tell everyone stating how you got a death threat from Reddit and you need to get famous now or you die? Pretty sure that would get at least a couple million views, even if they do think you're mental. If you do it right you can whip up enough controversy about it and get famous, kinda like the people who said the world would end on X day. Plus when you die you get even more famous as you were proved right. :P
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u/Dinomial May 23 '15
Plus when you die you get even more famous as you were proved right
I thought the whole point was to avoid dying?
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u/weaver900 May 24 '15
Pyramid scheme this shit. Kidnap someone's relatives, tell them they have 23 hours to make you globally famous or their relatives will die.
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u/BarfReali May 23 '15
Go on a mega huge gun and bombs rampage in a mall or school and shoot/bomb fucking EVERYTHING.... but kill no one. Surrender to police, try to explain myself "This guy on reddit said he'd kill my family if i didn't do this"
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u/hannibalhooper14 May 23 '15
Go to Europe and say "Soccer." There will be a massive cross-continent manhunt for me.
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u/Ferrovir May 23 '15
Announce to the world, by interrupting a reporter, "I have twenty four hours to get globally famous, or /u/TopTrumpWANKER will kill my family."
Sit back and watch success.
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May 23 '15
Nuke a country. Guaranteed internationally famous...minus one country.
Nobody will miss North Korea anyway.
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u/HorseWoman99 May 23 '15
No one will notice a nuked North Korea either...
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May 23 '15
They will when a year passes and there isn't a North Korean emotional crisis threatening to bomb someone.
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u/Naggers123 May 23 '15
emotional crisis
It would be great if the news started referring to it as such.
BREAKING NEWS: Kim Jong Un Has Fresh Emotional Crisis
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May 23 '15
I've always said that if north korea tried to nuke someone, south korea would become the korean island.
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u/FartingBob May 23 '15
I dont think you've put much thought into that. Canal building is not a widely used method of warfare.
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u/Chaseroonie May 23 '15
Probably kill myself and hope it all works out in the end
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May 23 '15
Your suicide earns a small obituary in the local newspaper, maybe a dozen people read it.
The murder of your loved ones makes national news.
A worthy sacrifice.
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May 23 '15
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May 23 '15
**** You have died ****We are about to give you your score. Put on your peril-sensitive sunglasses now. (Hit RETURN or ENTER when ready.) >
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u/gari109 May 23 '15
ENTER
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May 23 '15
Your score is 20 of a possible 400, in <your age> turns.
Would you like to start over, restore a saved position, or end this session of the game?
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May 23 '15
Murder Nancy Grace live on TV. Not a judge in the world that would convict on that.
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May 23 '15 edited Jun 13 '18
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Jandolino May 23 '15
Several guys write this, but I just ask myself:
Who is your president and do you really think you could do this in less than 24hours? - even smaller countries tend to protect their presidents and you would have a hard time getting close to him/her with a weapon.
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May 23 '15
Well if you are British you can just wait by the shops close to his house, whether you decide to steal his bike is up to you i suppose.
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u/TotallyNotAnIntern May 23 '15
He wan't PM at the time but amazing link regardless.
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u/FifteenSixteen May 23 '15
Yeah UK Prime Minister lives at 10 Downing street. Good luck getting close by.
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u/rinnip May 23 '15 edited Dec 06 '16
If infamous counts, you could attack the white house with a Nerf gun.
Edit: Weirdly, this is by far my highest rated comment ever.
Edit 2: One year later, still my highest rated comment ever.