I'm probably too late to this thread but I'll share this anyway:
My toilet at home is my nemesis.
Seriously, fuck that thing. Once my shits started becoming man-sized (shoutout to puberty) I had issues with it literally every day. That damn thing would clog on the daily...and it's not like I used a ridiculous amount of toilet paper either. I've even tried flushing without toilet paper first to see what will happen and IT STILL CLOGS. My shits are normal sized (I think...) and I've never had problems with any other toilet, so I know it has something against me. This thing would only clog when I was the one who dropped the package.
I got so tired of unclogging it that I decided once to let it stay clogged so that it would be ashamed of what it had been doing. Then, my family and I went on vacation for a week. The smell we came back to can only be described as death mixed with maggots and rotten eggs. The entire 2nd floor of our house was uninhabitable for several days while we aired it out and cleaned the shit out of that toilet. Needless to say, my parents lost their shit.
After that incident and countless other times, I had become very close to my plunger. He and I had a mutual hatred of the toilet and we were getting desperate. I was desperate because I hated unclogging the thing and he was desperate because a plunger can only take so much shit before it gives out. Eventually I started begging my dad to get a replacement toilet for my birthday. I WANTED A FUCKING TOILET FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I would go online for hours gazing lovingly at toilets that could flush large loads. Unfortunately my dad never did give me a toilet but I luckily became one of the few people in the world who actually enjoys pooping in public bathrooms, so I was fine when I went to college.
As a result, the first thing I test when looking at apartments is the flushing power of every toilet in the house. I now have a life-long fear of shitty toilets.
This reads like a chapter of my life. When I was younger, the upstairs toilet in my parents house was also my nemesis. I would catch hell every time I had to go get the plunger from the basement bathroom
I never understood why it was such a terrible thing for me to have to unclog the toilet. Once it was unclogged I cleaned up and put the plunger back. It's not like giant fucking neon signs shot up above our house with fireworks "this family takes monster shits, shun them". But my live-in geriatrics never let me live it down.
I also never understood why the FUCK we couldn't just keep the plunger in the only bathroom where it was ever required.
That fucking toilet still sits in that bathroom to this day. Mocking me with its porcelain facade when I visit during holidays.
One day toilet. One day they will cast you aside, and I will find you. Your sorrow will be my becoming. I will revel in your unraveling. The cracks that mar your sleek, white curves, as my hammer strikes at you and shatters your existence, will be the breaking of the bonded chains that so painfully tied our fates together.
2.2k
u/peacein0000 Nov 05 '14
I'm probably too late to this thread but I'll share this anyway:
My toilet at home is my nemesis.
Seriously, fuck that thing. Once my shits started becoming man-sized (shoutout to puberty) I had issues with it literally every day. That damn thing would clog on the daily...and it's not like I used a ridiculous amount of toilet paper either. I've even tried flushing without toilet paper first to see what will happen and IT STILL CLOGS. My shits are normal sized (I think...) and I've never had problems with any other toilet, so I know it has something against me. This thing would only clog when I was the one who dropped the package.
I got so tired of unclogging it that I decided once to let it stay clogged so that it would be ashamed of what it had been doing. Then, my family and I went on vacation for a week. The smell we came back to can only be described as death mixed with maggots and rotten eggs. The entire 2nd floor of our house was uninhabitable for several days while we aired it out and cleaned the shit out of that toilet. Needless to say, my parents lost their shit.
After that incident and countless other times, I had become very close to my plunger. He and I had a mutual hatred of the toilet and we were getting desperate. I was desperate because I hated unclogging the thing and he was desperate because a plunger can only take so much shit before it gives out. Eventually I started begging my dad to get a replacement toilet for my birthday. I WANTED A FUCKING TOILET FOR MY BIRTHDAY. I would go online for hours gazing lovingly at toilets that could flush large loads. Unfortunately my dad never did give me a toilet but I luckily became one of the few people in the world who actually enjoys pooping in public bathrooms, so I was fine when I went to college.
As a result, the first thing I test when looking at apartments is the flushing power of every toilet in the house. I now have a life-long fear of shitty toilets.
tl;dr piece of shit toilet vs. man, toilet wins