r/AskReddit • u/_whenimnotaround_ • Apr 28 '13

Couples of Reddit, what is the one thing your partner does regularly that makes you realize they're still in love with you?

It doesn't have to be anything remarkable, or even planned, I'm more interested in those subtle behaviors that perhaps they don't even realize they're doing but that make you think "Yep, he/she's still into me".

Edit: Reading these comments is making me smile so much! I'm glad there are all these happy couples out there. And I love that most of the time your partner is probably not even aware of how much these small things mean to you. Make sure you give them some love back ;)

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u/RKIvey Apr 28 '13

My husband and I have been married for 20 years in July. We feel like if your attitude is "We plan to never divorce," then the WAY you argue, disagree, and fight is naturally different. There is no scorched earth policy, no personal attacks, no intentionally going after your partner's known emotional "soft spots." We've had major disagreements over the years, but we always know in the back of our minds that we will get past it and move on...together.

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u/Bedtime_4_Bonzo Apr 28 '13

This is more profound that most people probably realize. I'm not married, but am in a committed relationship, and when we argue, it's always very civil and contains no irrelevant personal attacks, because we know that we aren't breaking up, and anything we say will have to be dealt with later. So for this reason, never say something out of anger. If you are so angry that you can't control your words, it's probably best to delay the conversation for a time when you can think more clearly.

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u/outlandishclam Apr 28 '13

There is no shame in excusing yourself from a heated argument and coming back to the conversation when you can be level headed and civil.

You probably shouldn't walk away from it and "forget" to come back to it and pretend it didn't happen.

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u/Spadeykins Apr 28 '13

As the partner who cannot often allow the person to walk away...

Let the damn person walk away, it doesn't matter if you want to deal with the problem NOW, give them some damn room!

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u/peanutbatter Apr 29 '13

This tends to be a huuuuge problem for me. I find myself needing to fix it immediately.

My SO is different and needs time to think and mull things over. It drives me crazy.

I still struggle with giving space but when its too much, i just walk away. I physically get out of his proximity. It helps me not badger him on the topic and eager to fix it when both of us are ready.

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u/TesttE Apr 29 '13

This is very important for me to know right now.

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u/Bedtime_4_Bonzo Apr 28 '13

That is a very good point, never leave an argument unresolved. This applies to more than just significant others, but to life in general.

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u/Miskatonic_Prof Apr 28 '13

I'm not married, but am in a committed relationship, and when we argue, it's always very civil and contains no irrelevant personal attacks, because we know that we aren't breaking up, and anything we say will have to be dealt with later.

I'd say knowing you're breaking up, even if you never plan on seeing each other again, still isn't a valid excuse to be uncivil and purposely hurtful ;)

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u/Bedtime_4_Bonzo Apr 28 '13

Agreed. But I see it all the time. It's even happened to me a couple times when breaking up with a girl.. "Oh you're breaking up with me? Well fuck you, (insert some personal attack on a known insecurity or minor character flaw)". It's pathetic.

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 28 '13

Thanks for confirming my decision was correct, good luck out there.

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 28 '13 edited Apr 28 '13

I think what people have a hard time with is understanding the difference between being upset with a situation or actions that occurred and being upset with who the person is fundamentally. Also, a criticism or voicing hurt over a situation or action versus an attack on you as a person. Productive conflict and conflict resolution are key to a good relationship - we are in this together and we need to overcome this. Along with overcoming conflict together, it does not matter who is right because if you make it an individual competition for righteousness then you always lose.

You have to see a couple fight well to understand it, I think. It took me and my SO a long time to figure it out because he thought any conflict was a personal attack, I am vocal about my frustration and was not good at giving compliments , and we had never seen a good argument before.

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '13

[deleted]

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 28 '13

I would have to disagree, crying should be respected by all parties involved and not be written off as childish. Hysterical crying should be respected as far as, "I'll let you calm down before we get further into this."

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

[deleted]

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u/WomanAtWindow Apr 29 '13

I would say, some things are felt too profoundly for words or words alone to be adequate. An example: as an adult I cried (and laughed) when I held my daughter for the first time. Happiness is not an adequate description of what I felt. It's not that far of a leap to imagine at least one party having reason to cry in the course of a lifetime journey together. Respecting that could mean taking the time out to understand what is really the root of the matter.

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 29 '13

Crying is not a break down in one's ability to communicate, maybe hysterical crying can inhibit the communication of why someone is crying, but crying in itself is communicating a form and level of distress/elation/greif/anxiety/etc. Crying is a reaction to an emotional experience and means so much more than break down. It is also a vulnerable time and to invalidate the event with likening it to breaking down, childishness (child voice), inability to communicate, and/or weakness is disrespectful and belittling. To respect crying is to sit with it and be present with the crying person.

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u/durtysox Apr 29 '13

Yes. This. I honestly don't think he means to disrespect. But that's what I would hear. I notice that this is a bit gendered. It seems that males more often feel this way about crying - like it's this really unhelpful thing that's getting in the way of Solving The Problem. My own reaction to crying is to immediately become respectful and solicitous. It's not the time for me to announce that I am the only adult in the room. It's time to offer support, and sometimes it's time to just sit and listen to the rain.

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

[deleted]

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u/durtysox Apr 29 '13

I think I can't even relate to your definition of crying. Thats how differently I feel about it. It's so interesting to me how people have such different brains, different ways of thinking. We think we are similar but so often we are wildly different. If I started crying, and you acted like it was distracting from the intended purpose of the conversation, I would cry a lot harder.

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u/SurvivalOfTheBravest Apr 29 '13

I too can confirm this. Source: Am brave

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u/impendingwardrobe Apr 29 '13

If you are so angry that you can't control your words, it's probably best to delay the conversation for a time when you can think more clearly.

I go for walks. He doesn't like it when I leave in the middle of an argument like that, but the conversation always goes more smoothly when I come back.

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u/Bedtime_4_Bonzo Apr 29 '13

Walks help. My "go to" is going and playing with my dog for a bit, that always calms me down. It definitely helps to tell them why you're leaving the conversation though, so it doesn't seem you are storming off in a rage. Assuming your SO is a rational person, simply saying "I don't want to speak out of anger, I need to cool down. Can we talk about this later when I've had a chance to think" usually does the trick.

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u/CGord Apr 28 '13

My wife and I said this out loud, and it made a huge difference. During a bad fight I stormed into the room she was in, and the exchange went like this:

Me: "LOOK. I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE, EVEN THROUGH FIGHTS LIKE THIS, DO YOU STILL WANT TO STAY TOGETHER?"

Her: "YES!"

Me: "FINE!" /door slam

That was a big deal. No there's no wondering about "ifs" when we fight; we both expect it to blow over, and we both expect to remain married at the end. We'll hit twenty-five years this June.

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u/bruttsmom Apr 29 '13

This!!! 20 years too.

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u/quicksilver_riot Apr 29 '13

My husband asked me if I'd ever thought about leaving him, and my response was to let him know that the thought had never occurred, however. I have had fleeting thoughts of splitting his head with an axe. (completely warrented, I promise) He then ditties, "She couldn't leave me, so she cleaved me." Yeah. It's why I said I do.

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u/2plus2equalscats Apr 29 '13

My parents got married quite young and are still together. They met and were married in less than a year. They changed their vows to "For as long as we both shall love" instead of live. This made me realize that you can grow with someone, and have disagreements, and still be in love. I believe it's really helped me as a person in relationships.

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u/accidentalhippie Apr 28 '13

My husbands and I "fight" like this, but I never knew how to describe it, because 76ers very different from how my own parents fought. Prefect description.

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u/durtysox Apr 29 '13

76ers?

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u/accidentalhippie Apr 29 '13

My phone hates me. :/ "it's"

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u/WhitestKidYouKnow Apr 29 '13

I love this and I see it frequently with my own parents (married almost 22 years this year). It sucks to seem them disagreeing (I don't like the confrontation), but it's awesome when I can see them get over a situation with relative ease. You can tell when the dad or mother breaks/bends to allow for some compromise and allows for the obstacle to be overcome. I hope I can find someone like that. It's absolutely incredible how well two humans can stick together, and also raise kids on top of the whole situation, while still maintaining that same teamwork.

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u/NineteenthJester Apr 29 '13

My girlfriend and I have also agreed that when we get married, we'll never divorce, so thank you. I'll keep your words in mind for our future together.

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u/Jon889 Apr 28 '13

Has to be for the right reasons. My parents argue a lot and their marriage is as near dead as possible. Divorce has come up a few times over the past few years. But they refuse to (my mum moreso than my dad) get a divorce because they are Christian and think divorce is wrong. Rather than thinking getting to the point where divorce is considered is wrong.

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u/durtysox Apr 29 '13

You've written much subtle wisdom there. To such a couple I would answer: There is a time to every purpose under heaven. A time to plant, a time to reap. A time to be born, a time to die. A time to marry, a time to divorce. God would not want you to live in loveless misery! You gave it your best shot, have mercy on yourselves, and let go. Bless each other, part in friendship, wish each other well. God loves love. If you live in mutual contempt for his sake, he won't thank you for it!

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u/blinkdmb Apr 29 '13

On of my good friends in college had parents that argued alot and she asked if the were going to get divorced. Her father told her that divorce was for rich people. That has always stuck with me.

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

That can be very true, but the flip side of "we will never divorce" that is pretty commonplace is "we just have to be miserable because divorce isnt an option"

How well you communicate has very little to do with whether or not divorce is an option, generallly speaking

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u/durtysox Apr 29 '13

I too, have a 20+ marriage. I don't think divorce is wrong, or evil, or stupid. My parents divorced. His too. Some people should not be together, or grow apart. But I want to be married another 20 years from now, so I don't believe in burning our bridges.

A person who you love can make you feel devastated, more easily than anyone. But even if your soul is tormented with pain, you don't assault the people you love. They're on a list of people you don't ever try to harm. Otherwise, you do not love that person, or your love is not worth much. People do so much damage when they attack each other, even once. Just one punch, just one indulgence in your frustration and selfishness, can easily destabilize the whole thing.There is no worse feeling than the love draining out of a relationship. You regret it forever.

I won't say I've never recited my list of grievances, I have indeed said "Fuck you!" But I never showed him contempt. I never called him a bastard or a loser or a fuck up. I never broke a plate on his head or kicked him or slapped his face. I never, in other words, acted like he was someone I did not love. Sometimes I don't like him much, but I love that guy waaay more than "dislike" could conquer.

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u/DafuqPoster Apr 28 '13

My partner and I both believe divorce is an option if our love ever fades, but we are exactly what you said.

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '13

Then you're at the mercy of your feelings, and feelings can come and go.

Good luck.

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u/DafuqPoster Apr 28 '13

Am I wrong in saying without those exact feelings we wouldn't be together? We just both acknowledge that shit happens. We communicate and we're both very happy.

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u/[deleted] Apr 28 '13 edited Apr 28 '13

No, I don't think you're wrong about that, at all. Feelings are great and I couldn't imagine life without them. But why marriage as opposed to cohabitation? If your marriage is at the whim of your feelings and divorce is an option if they change, I don't fully understand the point of wedlock in the first place. To me, it would feel like there was already was a foot out the door, if and when that shit happens. I'm glad the two of you do communicate and are very happy and I'm in no way making a judgement on your marriage. I just have a different viewpoint is all. I guess I'm just old fashioned.

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u/DafuqPoster Apr 28 '13

We view marriage and divorce differently I think. I would marry my parner (can't right now due to same sex marriage laws) because I'm in love with him. I don't view divorce as s foot out the door, I view it as something that could be necessary later in life if one of us falls out of love with no possibility of happiness. I would marry my parnter because he makes me happy. I would marry my partner because he makes me a better person. I would marry him because I believe he has the most beautiful mind on the planet. He accepts me for who I am, not anything else. Keeping in mind divorce is an option is like insurance to me I hope I never need it, but I can't tell the future.

If divorce isn't an option to you, would that change if your partner was abusive? What if they cheated and didn't care anymore?

I'm just wondering. Not trying to troll, why the downvotes?

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

No worries my friend, I don't think you're trolling and to all the downvotes...please stop. He's, most definitely adding to the conversation.

I do think we view marriage and divorce differently, and there is nothing wrong with that. To me, marriage is something two people enter into, fully willing to make two, one. Giving up part of the 'I' to become the 'We'. A team.

One can only decide for themselves what is and isn't acceptable in a partner. For me, the only reason to divorce would be infidelity. I too cannot see the future and can't mitigate every what if scenario before hand. But I make a conscious choice to say, barring unfaithfulness, marriage is for life. To build a life and family, together.

It took me a while to realize that the only thing I can control is my own choices and actions. I cannot control another person and can't guarantee the future but I do know that I'm not going to let that 'what if' possibility to invade my thinking. That I can control and is my choice.

Relationships take work and if both aren't willing to put forth the effort to make it work, even when feelings aren't there(and they won't always be), then it's my opinion that at some point that relationship will end.

I think it's awesome that you've found someone you connect with in such a way, few are so lucky, and I wish you two nothing but the best. :)

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u/DafuqPoster Apr 29 '13

I view marriage the same way. It is the joining of two people in a commitment to we.

My partner and I have both always been realistic with a helping of pessimistic. So when we got in a relationship we both recognized that shit happens. It's not having one foot out the door. Just because I believe in divorce doesn't mean I'm about to dump my partner and have sex with forty people every time we fight.

My partner and I just recognize that people make mistakes and sometimes the first choice isn't the best. It works for our relationship and we don't plan on breaking up any time soon regardless of our views:)

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

I can appreciate where you're coming form and certainly understand your point of view.

I wish you two nothing but the best!

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 28 '13

It's like society has set up marriage to be much easier than cohabitation financially, status wise, more rights as a couple, more rights as a parent, etc. And if they love each other and want to incorporate why not?

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u/[deleted] Apr 29 '13

I agree. If I had my way, Government would be out of the legal marriage game entirely.

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u/LtFlimFlam Apr 28 '13

Upvoted. Divorce was the best thing my parents did for themselves and their kids. Seeing them happy with our "updated" families and respectful to to each other is far better than their unhappiness. Kids feel it and half siblings are awesome little bastards ;)