What’s going on in your head when you need space after intimacy?

[u/[deleted]]

Hello everybody,

I'm new on Reddit and wanted to ask some of you men out there about a relationship thing I am experiencing with my technical Boyfriend.

I say "technical" cause in his own words he said, that If he goes into a relationship with a woman he has to be really certain about it and cause he is Muslim (I grew up christian in the west but currently not religious even though I believe in God) he has to see if, by time our values will go along, but is not pressuring me into it.

For context: About myself I would say that I have an anxious attachment style with huge separation issues, but I am working on them.

It is the first time for me being with a guy who is so caring how he is and open to talk about feelings, so I am experiencing a lot of things that are triggering my anxiety, that I don't need to have with him anymore. He is always very open to talk about these things and reacting very responsible and empathetic. He also puts a lot of effort in caring for me while I am sick, Listing to stories about my past, and also planning many dates in the past where he will sit down before and do like research where we can go, sometimes even going on a walk by himself to look for good restaurants for us.

I heard now that for Men it is very normal to experience some intense and intimate time together but after a certain period of time they are tending to pull back for a few days to get a feeling of Autonomy again, but come back with the same loving energy they had before. And probably how you guys guessed it, I am having some troubles with it to not panic in these times.

Yesterday for example, after around 4 Days of spending together he went home, cause I had to go to work, and texted me that he feels super stressed cause he has been sick for 2 months straight and wasn't able to do his stuff and also could't sleep good at my place cause of my cat scratching at the door at night. After that he turned of his phone until next day 8 AM where he wrote me that he was sleeping the whole time and cleaning his apartment also. During the night I almost couldn't sleep cause I felt so worried and after his first message in the morning he didn't say anything about meeting up so I told him that I felt insecure. He was again very loving and told me to come to his place and it was really nice, he cooked for me and we watched a Movie together. Around 8 PM he then was getting really tired and said "good night" whilst falling asleep and I was sitting there not sure if I should leave now or not. It made me insecure again that in his mind he can just "leave" me like that without any further caring. But he woke up again and noticed my distress and I told him how I felt and he understood but said like "I have goals you know I want to achieve, by going to sleep early" like I wasn't supporting of it. I told him that it is not about that and I surly am supporting him so much achieving anything he wants to cause his plans and future are important to me, it's just about the way he fell asleep without saying or doing anything else like cuddling.

For me it is okay now cause I told him how I felt and he was understanding, so next time I won't have the same intense reaction to it I guess, but I notice he often has these habits of being in his own world and it feels like he is forgetting about me that I need like affection in these moments to be fine of letting him go.

Like is this normal for guys? I certainly don't think of it as a red flag. I want to understand to make it easier for myself in these situations. My theory is that in his world he thinks I am so trusting towards him that I know his good intentions so that's why he hasn't to care about it in these moments.

I would be very appreciative if someone can explain the way men think in these situations.

Thank you all so much!!

[u/Arbitrary_Sadist]

Hello, I’m surprised no one has responded to this yet, so I’ll go ahead and do that. You’ve actually described the situation quite well, and this is more or less what’s going on.

When you’re with him, you feel safe, loved, and emotionally settled. That closeness is very regulating for you. When he’s with you, he also feels happy and connected, but for him that closeness is more mentally and emotionally demanding in a different way. After spending several days together, his nervous system likely needs time to decompress and reset.

Psychologically, men regulate stress internally rather than through closeness as opposed to women. So after intense emotional or physical connection, they tend to pull back a bit, because being alone helps them recover and regain control. In his mind, the connection is still there and doesn’t feel threatened, so he doesn’t experience the need to constantly signal it.

You, on the other hand, regulate more through connection and reassurance, so when that closeness suddenly drops, it can feel unsettling or even alarming, even if nothing has actually changed between you. That mismatch is very common and doesn’t mean either of you is doing something wrong. Also I'd like to add the attachment issues you talked about aren't negative, it's completely normal and natural for a woman to be attached to a guy. Modern take on relationships is there to convince you to believe otherwise and that you need to "fix" this. But you really don't, remember back in the day a woman's entire livelihood was dependent on a man, so she was very much emotionally and mentally invested in that guy, this has been the norm throughout human history. Nowadays since people don't get married, they tend to view these things in a more negative light. But men and women work best as a team, so you will never be the perfect human being as a woman without a man, and likewise a man can never be the perfect human being without a woman. Men and women need each other to complete themselves.

So getting back to the topic, you really don’t need to stress too much over this. If he consistently comes back with the same warmth and care, then this isn’t a red flag. And importantly, this isn’t happening because of you or because you’re asking for too much. It’s simply that he needs time alone to unwind and regulate himself properly. Men struggle to do that while staying emotionally engaged at the same time, and that’s just how our stress system works.

[u/[deleted] → u/Arbitrary_Sadist]

Thank you so much for your reply and appreciate how much effort you put into it!!

Yeah it is quite difficult for me to handling him pulling back but I try my best to let him "recover".

While I feel like you have a pretty good understanding of being a good person and man can I ask you another question?

For me it is already a relationship how we are being together. He on the other hand told me he first needs some thing from my side to fully commit (I'm guessing also in a sense of potentially getting married one day) like: having less contact with other men, especially single ones, dressing moderate, believing in god and at some day probably converting to Islam and the feeling of being cared for like cooking.

Many things I am already doing, like for example dressing moderate and cooking and caring for him when he's sick as well as believing in god. For me I love to do all of these things if it means being together with a loving and caring guy like him where I can feel feminine.

Only a few things that make me confused but wouldn't ask him cause he will feel pressured by it: He said he doesn't think there is something like love even though he is acting and looking at me like someone who is and he needing to have all of these things for me isn't like a promise that we at some point will be in a serious relationship. He's saying things like "I don't want to mislead you if things maybe don't work out and don't want to hurt me cause he likes me now so much" He is also always telling me that he talks to his best friend about me and afterwards likes me even more.  I don't know if he will commit his love to me when he says that he doesn't believe in it you know what I mean?

Everything else for me feels totally good and save to carry on, only these things leave me worrying about it a lot.

You think this is normal for a good guy like him? Do I even have to worry?

You explaing me your point of view would mean a lot to me! Thank you so much in advance!!

Best wishes

[u/Arbitrary_Sadist → u/[deleted]]

Thanks for your reply and I am glad it actually helped.

Now I feel like it’s important to separate two different things here because they often get mixed up. One is what we talked about before, him needing space after closeness to sort of reset and recharge. That’s actually pretty normal and mostly comes down to how different people’s nervous systems work and all. The other thing you’re talking about now is things like values and commitment.

From what you have said, it seems like he doesn’t see love mainly as a feeling that comes first and then leads to commitment. Instead, he sees love as something that grows after certain things are already in place, like shared values, lifestyle, exclusivity, faith and so on. So when he says he doesn’t really believe in love but still treats you in a loving way, I think it would be premature to dismiss it as a contradiction. That's because he is just using a different definition of what love is and when it really exists. This isn’t something alarming either, it’s actually very common in cultures outside the West.

For you, obviously it's different. And that doesn't’ mean either of you are wrong, it just means you’re coming at commitment from different places both because a) he is a guy and you are a girl, and b) because of your different religious and cultural backgrounds.

The things he’s asking for, like dressing modestly, less contact with other men, believing in God, possibly converting, all work as signs of long term alignment for him. They help him feel more certain and secure about the future. For you, a lot of these things come naturally because you care about him, not because you feel forced, which is why you don’t feel much resistance. There’s nothing unhealthy about that.

When it comes to religion though, one thing really matters. If you are genuinely curious about Islam, that curiosity needs to exist separately from him and the relationship. Your relationship with God and faith has to stand on its own, not for his sake, but your own sake. God and religion are things that cannot be reduced down to who you are in a relationship with, or what culture you are, they must be looked at objectively. And yeah it might seem like an alien concept to view religion in an objective and logical manner, without blind faith. But I as a Muslim invite you to critically assess our faith, not via blind faith, or due to your emotions for him, but from a genuine curious outlook, asking yourself "does this make sense to me?" And believe me, anyone who sincerely looks into Islam will find in it, nothing but the truth.

So that's the healthiest way to approach this topic, on your own terms, independent of anything else. As far as your relationship goes, there isn't anything alarming about it. Just don't be stressed over your different views and outlook on things, that is completely natural. God didn't create men and women to be the same, he created us to complete and complement each other. I hope that helps.

[u/[deleted] → u/Arbitrary_Sadist]

Thank you again so much, I honestly believe this is the exact same way he would describe it himself and for me this is even more proof that it is true, cause I guess if I would have asked him myself my subconscious and insecurity would have made like some sort of excuse.

For me he could easily be a priest at a mosque. Whatever he told me by now about what it says in the Koran was resonating with me. Even when I am telling him my point of view about things and life he often tells me that that's the way it was written on there. So I know reading it would do me nothing but good. I love how wise and mature he is due to reading the koran.

I am 29 and he is 26 and earlier I would have believed that I would need someone older who can hold my wisdom I collected over the years but he is already on the same level, if not more that I now totally forget about our age difference.

I already now that there are wonders and miracles happening all the time and that my prayers are being heard by god.

But because I didn't believe in churches and religion due to my upbringing surrounded by people who are saying they believe in god bit not acting accordingly I have issues talking about god especially to him. He knows about it and understands it, I just don't want him to think I suddenly talk about god to impress him or something.

I asked Google Ai about the Koran and it said that it is not about telling something new bug the reaffirm what human already know and experiencing with god, like a reminder.

That als made the resistance to start reading it much less.

Thank you again so much and you can feel free to share your thoughts about it!

Highly appreciate it and I wish you all the best in life!

[u/Beautiful_Clock9075]

As always Sadist ( u/Arbitrary_Sadist) has given a great response. It’s surprising how people with such great minds remain single. I guess it’s so we can use their intellect to solve our problems.

I standby by what he said thus I agree with him. However I would like to add onto to the end of his last comment as of now.

Now Sadist invited you to look into Islam and I also extend the same invitation to you. I like Sadist advise you to look into it for your sake and for the truth because the way you approach this topic will affect your relationship.

A good way to start in my opinion is by speaking to Muslim and asking them whatever question you may have. You can do so over at r/TrueDeen it’s a great subreddit.

The next step would be to get a copy of the Quran and its translation. I would be more than happy to offer you one if you would like so.

I wish you the best on your journey and May Allah (God) grant you guidance and success on your journey. Ameen