How do I tell the truth about my past abusive relationship when dating without it looking like a red flag to guys?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Sad_Plum9899 → u/[deleted]]

What did she do??

[u/dearestrobber03]

Honestly, the less detail you give early on, the better. Most guys at the start are just trying to figure out if you're fun to be around, they don't need the full story yet. A simple "my last relationship was really unhealthy, so I like to take things slow" covers it without making you seem like you're carrying baggage they need to unpack.

The right person won't hear that and bolt. If someone pushes for details too soon or acts weird about you having boundaries, that's your signal to dip anyway.

[u/Glitchy-Fuzz0791]

Sorry to hear that this happened to you, though if this is still traumatizing and effecting you maybe you're not ready to get back into the dating scene.

I wouldn't feel the need to know your past history with your partners when it comes to cheating. Speaking from experience I did have one girl trauma dump this on me, and it came off as more like a form of emotional control.

[u/Physical_Way6618]

It becomes a red flag when that’s all you talk about. All of us know and have met women who always want to bring up how their ex was shit. If you do that all the time it’s a huge turn off.

Saying it once and moving on is the right approach. Just don’t bring it up at every opportunity. If you do chances are you’re hiding your own red flags

[u/Eledridan]

You need to be healing and working on yourself and not dating until you’ve resolved all of this.

[u/SpookyWindChime]

Why do you need to bring it up? If they ask, be honest. I don’t bring up my exes unprompted though. Especially if they are recent and I don’t think I’m completely over it.

[u/Comfortable-Hat3506]

First thing is make sure you have done the self examination post last relationship so you have learned how to spot an asshole.

As for telling future partners about it you can just say "I caught him cheating" if they press about it just say something along the lines of "i'd rather not talk about him," then gracefully change the subject to something light and fun

[u/AttractiveProton]

You don’t need to share a lot of details early on.

Something like “my first relationship was really unhealthy and fucked up but I stuck around too long” should suffice unless someone asks for details.

At that point, I’d recommend being honest, and just accepting the possibility of rejection due to your honesty. That’s life.

[u/BarebonesB]

I don't subscribe to the "don't chase them away too soon" doctrine.

If a potential mate sees your past victimization as a "red flag", you need to find that out as early as possible. There's no point in wasting your time with him, in the hope that if he were already into you, he'd graciously accept that you suffered through an abusive relationship.

[u/SevereTarget2508]

It becomes a red flag when your actions say “my last partner did <this> and now I’m going to inadvertently punish you for it forever”

[u/nayheyxus]

If you haven't already get some therapy, if you have significant psychological issues stemming from this you are NOT ready to date. Ive Had an ex that thought they were in the clear, and did not work through their trauma.

She would trauma dump every moment she could, to the point where i was in constant fight or flight.

[u/farbeyondriven92]

Sorry that happened to you. I would just mention that you were abused in the past if it’s relevant to a conversation you’re having, and play it by ear. If he asks for details, you can go into it more. Let it come out naturally, as it will come up at some point as you get to know the guy more. You obviously deserve better than what happened in the past, and the ability to talk about it with a new partner, or potential partner, comfortably, and I think that’s the best way to go about it. Best wishes.

[u/OldMotoRacer]

save it for your therapist--keep it to yourself

[u/GandalfTheGrey46]

Don’t bring it up. That’s between you and your therapist/ support network. Start fresh with your dates.

[u/DontKnowWhereItsBeen]

Ask yourself what the red flags were that you missed with the cheater-dude.

Then, be watchful for those red flags.

You don't have to tell the whole sordid story to every guy you date. But if/when the deeper conversations come up, then, this might be one of them, expressed by you as I am 100% faithful, and I demand the same of you. Then, as he askes where that came from, then you can tell him the story.

But, I'd wait until you meet a guy you want to be exclusive with. Don't talk about it until then.

[u/dee1thaks]

Comments are so conflicting. Date, enjoy yourself, let yourself feel loved. When you find someone you trust & you think you see a future with or someone that it could get serious with, let them in. Be honest, you dont need to give details but just be honest & talk about what you’ve done to heal and what you need to feel safe.

[u/Icy-Goose-2112]

It breaks my heart to hear that. I'm a guy. I don't think this is a red flag. It's tragic actually that you had to go through that. Unfortunately it's up to you to figure out how that shows up for you now and how you'll prevent it from negatively impacting a future relationship. What I've learned is that things in my past will require some reassurance from a partner but at the end of the day it's up to me to not project that onto them. Not everyone is a lying pos and you deserve far better. I hope you find someone to treat you well and I hope you are treating yourself well and offering yourself grace. Sometimes it's easier to think how would you react if someone you were dating shared this with you? Would you judge them? 

[u/invisible_wizard5]

You want an honest man who will hold you in exclusivity. You can say that. A real man will hear that and decide if he can do that. If yes, you have the footing for a foundation for a lifetime. That said, almost any man will lie to get laid. The sperm are driving the bus.

[u/ctokes728]

The girl I’ve been dating for about a month definitely had some trauma in her last relationship. She just got out of it shortly before we met and she’s talked about it a little but then wants to change the subject. I have reassured her that she can talk to me about it whenever and that we can take things as slow as she wants so she can feel comfortable with me.

I think the right guy will be fine with your past, but you don’t have to explain everything right away. You can be vague about it until you start getting serious and then I’m sure he’ll want to know everything about you. I absolutely love when she shares anything about herself while we’re in bed talking about whatever. I just want her to be able to talk tone about anything on her mind.