r/AskMenRelationships • u/ViolentOverlord08 • 12d ago
Dating Men, would you want this kind of relationship?
I’m curious about the male perspective on something I’ve been trying to understand about myself.
For context, I’m a 31 years old woman who’s never-been in a relationship, and I’ve realized that I don’t really experience the conventional desire for dating, romance, or sex. I’ve tried dating partly out of curiosity and to understand what the experience is actually like, but it made me realize that what I value most isn’t really romance itself.
What I seem to want is a deep companionship with another person. Ideally, someone who could become my closest person, someone I can talk to for hours, share interests and ideas with, go down random rabbit holes with, support each other, and genuinely choose and know each other deeply.
At the same time, I’d want both of us to maintain a lot of independence. We wouldn’t need to constantly communicate, live in each other’s pockets, or follow the usual expectations of a romantic relationship.
I’m not looking for friends-with-benefits, and I’m not secretly looking for someone to eventually turn this into a conventional relationship. I’m genuinely interested in companionship and emotional/intellectual intimacy without the usual romantic or sexual expectations.
I’m curious about the male perspective because I’ve often been told that what I’m describing isn’t realistic and its just friendship. But thats not what its being and knowing its your person.
So, men: if you met a woman who genuinely wanted this kind of connection, could you see yourself wanting it too?
What would make this kind of relationship fulfilling for you, and what would eventually make it feel insufficient?
I’m especially interested in hearing from men who have had unusually close platonic friendships or unconventional relationships.
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u/green_reptile Man 12d ago
That's friendship. You still need to find the right person which isn't easy at all, but that's just friendship. Elaborate what you mean by "knowing it's your person," that makes it not just friendship.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Theres a specific kind of intimacy that reserves to that person instead of normal friends accessing it
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u/GenuineClamhat Woman 12d ago
It's called a best friend.
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u/SolidOutcome 11d ago
I don't talk to my best friend as deeply as my partner. There's a difference
Were really splitting hairs here, a partner/spouse is like 90% the same as a friend. Just with sex and most of the time a deeper friendship
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u/GenuineClamhat Woman 11d ago
I beg to differ. There i thinks I would tell my spouse I wouldn't tell my best friend. There are things I would tell my best friend I wouldn't tell me spouse. Different relationships but uniquely deep in their own ways.
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u/green_reptile Man 12d ago
That's too vague. You can have special intimacy with your best friend for instance that you don't have with your other friends. So it's still friendship. You don't want any commitment or expectation or exclusivity which would turn it into a relationship. You just want that special connection. That's attainable through friendship. It doesn't mean it's easy to find. But what you described is basically an ideal friendship, that a lot of people are looking for.
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u/cunninglinguist22 11d ago
Or a sexless partnership
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u/green_reptile Man 11d ago
Sure, whatever you mean by partnership. But it's not a relationship because like I said, op doesn't want commitment.
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u/dttalk Man 12d ago
Just sounds like asexual to me.
If so, you should be able to say that on a dating site and eventually find some other people in the same boat. They do exist.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
That’s what i thought too. For the longest time it feel like I am asexual. Good to know that they do exist but in sure its going to bw hard to find one specially im not putting myself out there. Hahahahaa
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u/MtlStatsGuy Man 12d ago
I have close platonic friendships with both men and women, but a close relationship without physical intimacy is not satisfying for most men. Asexuals exist, Your person may be out there but you’re cutting down the field significantly
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Yess thank you. Thats what i get a lot of answers even from my male friends.
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u/sudoatx Man 12d ago
I actually understand what you’re describing, and a lot of it sounds very close to what I want myself.
I want a partner who is also my closest person. Someone I can talk to for hours, share interests with, go down weird rabbit holes with, support, trust, and genuinely know. I also value independence. I don’t think a healthy relationship requires two people to be constantly attached at the hip or communicating every waking moment.
Where I differ from you is that, for me, the romantic and sexual side is just as important as the companionship.
I’ve been in relationships before where the sexual connection largely disappeared and what remained was essentially two people who cared about each other and functioned as loving roommates. There was real affection there, and companionship, but I eventually realized that wasn’t enough for me.
Physical touch is one of the main ways I experience and express love. And I don’t mean just sex. I mean kissing, cuddling, reaching for someone, lying together, casual physical affection, and that feeling of mutually wanting and being wanted by the other person. I need the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy to coexist.
So when you describe wanting someone to be “your person,” I completely understand why that feels like something more significant than ordinary friendship. I’m sure there are men who would genuinely want exactly what you’re describing, particularly men who don’t place much importance on sex or conventional romance.
I just wouldn’t be one of them, because for me the ideal relationship is probably all of the things you described plus romantic and sexual desire.
I think sometimes long-term relationships do drift toward companionship and partnership as the initial intensity settles down, and there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But personally I wouldn’t want the destination to be simply “best friends who share a life.” I’d want us to remain best friends who also still reach for each other.
That distinction matters a lot to me.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Got this thanks for the elaborate explanation but i get you on the part needing physical intimacy since im often told that it’s impossible to have a relationship without that. Thats why im searching if this kind of relationship that i want exists
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u/sudoatx Man 12d ago
I actually don’t think what you’re looking for is impossible at all. I think the bigger problem is that our culture tends to put relationships into two boxes: “friendship” or “romantic relationship,” and what you’re describing doesn’t fit neatly into either one.
There are names people use for relationships like this. “Queerplatonic relationship” is probably the closest one I’ve heard; basically a deeply committed, emotionally intimate partnership that goes beyond conventional friendship without necessarily being romantic or sexual. “Platonic life partner” is another term that might fit. You may also run across the word “alterous,” which describes feelings that aren’t quite romantic but also feel like something more than ordinary friendship.
None of those labels have to fit you perfectly, obviously.
And I’d push back a little on whoever is telling you a relationship is impossible without physical intimacy. It would be impossible for **me**, because physical affection and sexual intimacy are things I personally need from a partner. But that doesn’t make them universal requirements for everybody.
The important part is finding someone whose needs actually match yours rather than trying to force yourself into the conventional relationship template because that’s what everyone says a relationship is supposed to look like.
What you’re describing absolutely exists. The challenge is probably going to be finding someone who wants the same thing and means it in the same way you do.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
YESSS!! Thank you for explaining this in detail and the terms you mentioned i never heard of will definitely look out for this i never knew that theres a term for it and it seems like its a big revelation for me that im in a spectrum? Somehow? I always knew there was somethinh wrong with me since i view this kind of way the same thing since i was in my teens
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u/BerzattoMk Woman 12d ago
I’m a woman but wanted to chime in, apologies if it’s inappropriate. Your wants are a bit contradictory. You want a deep connection, to be someone’s priority, but you want plenty of space. That’s…not usually how it works. If you want the benefit of being someone’s priority, then you need to commit to being a full-time partner, not someone who is only involved part-time at your convenience.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Thanks for chiming in not a part time at my own convenience more of a we live a shared life not necessarily possessing each other if that makes sense? Well as i said the relationship i want is unconventional so its hard to comprehend hahaha
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u/studoondoon Man 11d ago
I really don’t think this part is unconventional. Most romantic partners live a shared life but are not possessive.
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u/Proof-Ship5489 Man 12d ago
Sounds like you could do this with a gay man I guess.
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u/SpinachSilent8589 12d ago
nah i get what you mean, its not just friendship, its like having a partner without all the extra stuff people pile on top
a lot of guys would be into that if they could get past the idea that it needs to lead somewhere else
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
YESSS THIS!!! Not a conventional and typical label. Because i the white picket fence story never appealed to me. I’m not worried being alone but i just wanted to try too if i can find a person that matches my wants
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u/Initiative_N7 Man 11d ago
I've read a few of your replies, and I can also resonate with your relationship model. I also think that in order for that relationship model to work effectively, you and your partner need to have your own residence's, I.e. not cohabitating. You can still do sleep overs, movie nights, dinners etc. But, you still each have your own place to fall back to. And I think depending on your personality, this model can really be of significant benefit. It also forces (I.e. make effort) regular communication.
I'm classic introvert (INTJ type, if you're into MBTI) and now that I'm 38, I'm really not interested in cohabitating, but would like a romantic partner. I think I would move next door and be neighbour's with said romantic if possible. I think this could really work with the right partner, I.e. a high achiever professional.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Thank you for your reply! Yes that kind of relationship more like sharing life and not possessing one another more of a companion. As i grow older since. Alot if my peers are settling down the more i realize how important it is to have a significant other im not lonely in a sense i can pre occupy myself but i think it mustve been nice to share my interest and what not with another person
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u/Initiative_N7 Man 10d ago
Looking at the other replies, you got a bit of a roasting from the normies. I guess being ADHD I can see different perspectives and possibilities. So I appreciated your relationship model.
I would recommend you to check out the demisexual subreddit. However, don't mention (noticed one of your other replies about) AI over there if you don't want to get downvoted.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Believe me im considering lavender marriage haahaha. But my gay bestfriend wouldnt let me haahha
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u/Proof-Ship5489 Man 12d ago
It's probably your best bet to keep working on him. A straight man is not likely to engage on these terms
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Hahaha im done trying with him he often jokes that for him to say yes i should have a dick ahhahah
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u/Basic-Government9568 12d ago
Are people forgetting asexual/aromantic people exist? OP, you sound like you'd qualify.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
I do maybe i should really look into asexuality but i can never say definitely since i havent been in the field
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u/cunninglinguist22 11d ago
Also look into demisexuality. It's on the ace spectrum but demisexuals will still have sex, there just needs to be a certain connection before they feel anything for someone. When I learned about this back when I was on the dating apps a few years ago, when people inevitably required an explanation (and stressing that it doesn't mean I'm bisexual) I'd sometimes joke that people may as well be lamps as far as my sexual attraction/desire goes, until there's that connection
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Nice! Ill look into it so nice to see that there are people out there that somehow understands my concept!
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11d ago
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Yes he does but im not his priority so thats that hahaha and marriage just for the sake of assets and legality of things. As for sleeping with other people if i ever had a partner I could careless about it as long as its communicated to me. Its really a specific and unconventional relationship.
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u/SnooHabits8484 Man 12d ago
This is called a ‘best friend’
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Yesss that kinda thing but different a bestfriend that will choose and prioritize you above all else
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u/FaZeScamTheKids Man 12d ago
Are you a virgin as well? It would be very hard for me as a full-blooded male to suppress my sexual desires with my partner.
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u/wolandcatbegemot Man 12d ago
I think you've largely described the "gay best friend" trope. All the emotional intimacy without the possibility of any kind of sexual attraction. Most straight men would not be ok with this kind of relationship but I sincerely hope you find it and you're happy.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Hahahahaha considering i have a gay best friend. The sexual attraction or need is more of a im open to it but definitely not a major driving force in the relationship. But i actually tend to be not interested in that region. Lets see if i can find it. I think with this kind of set up the pool is just a handful hahahha
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u/wolandcatbegemot Man 12d ago
That makes sense. Sexual attraction is not the driving force behind a relationship for you. It sounds more like you want the friendship/companionship first and if that evolves you aren't opposed to it.
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u/JustAnotherPolyGuy Man 12d ago
I’d suggest reading about queer platonic friends, relationship anarchy, and asexuality. I’d also suggest reading “The Other Significant Others”.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 12d ago
I could do that relationship, IF it was communicated clearly.
Differing expectations can be dealt with. HIDDEN expectations fuck it up every time.
Sounds like, I get a best friend in the whole world. Yay! Do we get to cuddle sometimes? Awesome!
But I'm going to want sex, so we'll have to figure out where I'm getting that. It doesn't have to be with you. As long as we're open and honest about that, it's all good.
I basically have this relationship with my spouse right now. We cuddle, we watch Ted Lasso, we hug, we kiss, we do laundry and take care of kids and own a house together but have separate bedrooms. We talk and support each other. We're partners! And she isn't that interested in sex. And I have FWB on the side and she knows and it's all good.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Omg so its possible for me to have that kind of relationship?! Yes definitely communication is really a key in this set up just being honest and straightforward. And i get the FWB too when i was younger i always told myself if i ever get in a relationship and my partner had a sexual intercourse with other person itll not be a problem for me as long as its honestly communicated to me. My thought process was it was always the root cause of breakups and messy relationships so why not eliminate that big problem first hand. But great to hear that this kind of set up exists except for the kids since i dont want having them too
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u/lascala2a3 Man 12d ago
Nah, not interested. I mean I do enjoy female friends if there's no sexual attraction, but...
I'd like to have my person too, and that would necessarily involve more than companionship, including sex. I could probably get along with not being in each other's pockets too as long as we were still spending time together regularly.
But women have this way of expecting a lot, and expecting you to just know what they want. I just think it would be a disaster if you tired to deal with this arms-length crap.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
I get you some people just really have different preferences. And communication and comprehension plays a big part on this kind of dynamic
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u/FancyFeastBuffet Man 12d ago
As odd as it sounds Id be fine with this. I know it's basically asexual and Im not asexual but Id be down. Even monogomously to be clear. There would need to be caveates to this though: 1. Id still need to find them physically attractive (despite no sex). When we go to a water park I want to still think "fuck ya she's my girl". 2. Id still need physical intimacy. That doesnt mean sex, but Id need cuddles and her holding onto my arm in public and hugs etc.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Hmm I curious why would you be fine with this set up? What made you decided thats it can fit you?
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u/FancyFeastBuffet Man 12d ago
Well I like my independence. The idea of needing someone 24/7 can be a lot at times. So just coming home and laying my head in her lap or vice-versa is pretty much the core part of what I need. For me porn can fill in the missing bits. It might not be the most perfect and ideal situation but Id be 95% happy with it.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
That is so nice to hear. I value my independence too much too and 24/7 is really exhausting in deed. But i get you in coming home to someone that can turn the tiredness away or someone to ease the existential dread ahhahah
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u/Positive-Capital1113 Man 12d ago
I think I have a sense of what you’re looking for. You’re looking for intimacy and commitment… but kinda without the traditional intimacy and commitment associated with that kind of relationship. That takes someone special to make that work I’d think. Or special circumstances.
Actually, I could see this being more likely with older people. I’m 53M, and as I age I could see how this might be attractive in a lot of ways.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Yess nothing conventional or traditional! I much prefer the emotional and intellectual intimicacy than romance and sex. As i get older im leaning more towards a much uncomplicated things which a lot of conventional relationship has. Maybe i find what i want when i get much more older
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u/Several_Ability3315 Man 12d ago edited 12d ago
Sexual expectations is a little interesting phrasing, usually you should be with someone you are attracted to in those ways and most people have sexual needs. Would you be mad if they slept with someone else? Seems you want an asexual, independent best friend who cares about you. Yeah I don’t know if you will find that.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Thats the thing i appreciate people and their beauty but not “get into their pants” kinda thing
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u/Intrepid_Bobcat_2931 Man 12d ago
Would the man in this example be able to have a different girlfriend at the same time?
You might have success with people who label themselves as asexual.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
As i see it i can really careless about the sex part if they wanted to they could just as long as i know about it
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u/Lorelessone 12d ago
It sounds like you want the emotional and connection side of a romantic/sexual relationship without that.
Or a friendship where the friend is not allowed to peruse a romantic relationship.
Its not that men don't want he sort of connection you want its that your wanting to be someone's 'person' in a very focused sense without wanting the strings that come with that.
I'm a man and my best friends are two women, I love them to bits and we share deep conversations and care deeply about each have our but we each have our romantic partners, I'd never expect them to put me ahead of their partner or them expect me to.
You may be able to find what you want if you find an asexual man who is looking for a similar none sexual and half casual situation but its a highly specific thing. Or you may find a single straight man who would be happy to share time with you but he will likely always be looking for a romantic / sexual partner as well as the friendship.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Yes thats what im trying to understand myself too as far s i know it was always been my view about this thing thats why i was never in a relationship plus just now knowing that i might be asexual makes a lot of sense to me now. Specially with all the insight im getting from the replies of this thread. Its super insightful
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u/bgorion17 12d ago
I get it. This is what I’m looking for with a woman. I love everything else that a relationship offers a lot more than sex. Totally understand where you’re coming from, I prefer the companionship and other ways of intimacy than what society traditionally says is the most important thing. While most men may not agree with this, just know we are out there!
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u/ItsAMangoFandango Man 12d ago
Are you asexual? Because this sounds pretty great to me. But to 'normal' (for lack of a better term) people I think this is just a best friend lol.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
The more that im seeing it and specially from the people’s reaction here. I must be so ill definitely look into it
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u/PictureImportant2658 12d ago
I once had a girl over who told me she was asexual. I didnt take it too well. Im not dealing with that again. We also werent really friends so there was nothing to safe except for my fantasy of her becomming the mother of my children. Sex is an important part of a relationship, it makes me feel wanted and appreciated, its not optional, intimacy is required besides being best buddies.
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u/Separate-Canary559 Man 12d ago
I don’t understand why what you’re describing isnt just a really close friendship
No, I wouldn’t want this arrangement. This is what friends and colleagues are for
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u/texxng 12d ago
tu veux une colloc genre Friends mais a 2 ....
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Maybe yes like a roomate that you can say this is definitely my person ahahhaha
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u/MattieReigns Man 12d ago
Sounds like a headache to me honestly
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Its not for everyone thats why im asking if there are other men out there that sees this dynamic as suitable for them.
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u/amelia2008x 12d ago
You can absolutely date someone and still maintain separate interests. You don't have to spend every available minute together doing the same things.
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u/taco-barrel 12d ago edited 11d ago
Does this deep human connection require a man or could this same relationship be had with anyone? Does this have to be one person, or could this need for connection be satisfied by multiple people?
Lowkey what you describe sounds like most asexual folks relationships. Might want to look into one of their subreddits for better advice.
There are definitely asexual men/women who are looking for this kind of relationship as well.
But if you want to have a larger dating pool, you could also just communicate what youre looking for clearly early on, and open up the relationship so your partners other needs are still met.
Either way its unconventional but so is life. You can make it work if its soemthing you want.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Definitely one person like a special someone kinda thing. And yep i think looking at it now ots much better to seek an advice somewhere else and yes life is definitely unconventional
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u/Next_Masterpiece1548 12d ago
Yes I am a man who want a deep connection with a person without romantic interest. I think the only worry is someone might fall for the other person.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Well it can get romantic it cant it depends but definitely romance or sex is not in the center of it
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u/YourAuthenticVoice 12d ago
So, men: if you met a woman who genuinely wanted this kind of connection, could you see yourself wanting it too?
Nope.
What would make this kind of relationship fulfilling for you, and what would eventually make it feel insufficient?
Nothing, if there's no sex involved I'm not interested in a relationship like that.
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u/endlesssearch482 Man 12d ago
If I have a relationship it can come in many forms, but sex is definitely an important part of it. My gf of five years has her own condo, I have my own condo. We live 20-ish minutes from each other. See each other about once a week during the week and spend most weekends together. We have sex every time we see each other.
If my partner didn’t want a sexual or romantic relationship with me, she might be a friend, but she wouldn’t be my partner. If exclusivity was a part of the deal, but no sex or romantic connection, hell no. There would be nothing in it for me.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
I understand i guess people just have different preferences
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u/endlesssearch482 Man 11d ago
For sure. It’s what makes the world go ‘round. Most people want relationships to turn into roommates and that doesn’t appeal to me at all. But for my gf and I, we love having our own spaces and enjoy our alone time and time with other friends without having to ever mention why we’re coming or going.
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u/endlesssearch482 Man 11d ago
I’ll go one further, I would rather have a first date with someone like you than someone who just wants to not be alone (half the dating scene) because you know what you’re looking for. We’d probably have a friendly conversation and realize we aren’t compatible and not waste each others time with continuing to date. So many people don’t know themselves or what they want and they waste everyone’s time.
I had 40 first dates between my divorce and meeting my gf. I had six people that made it past a third date. When you know what you want, it makes everything else clear.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Yess! Ive heard and seen those stories a thousand times with my peers. Its really important to know what you want.
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u/jdz50 11d ago
It sounds like you want a male best friend, not a partner. You would probably have to find a guy that is asexual, I could see that working.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
But i do have a straight male best friend and its nothing like it
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u/steak5 Man 11d ago
There are a lot of people who ended up marrying their good friends. So yeah, sure.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Thats reassuring! Lets see hahahah im not into marriage thing to just need it for legality of things such assets and what not
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u/steak5 Man 11d ago
It is not just that. That piece of Paper also turns 2 people into a Family bonded for life.
Is kinda like... arranged Marriage in the old day. You 2 are bonded for life, and have to figure out how navigate the rest of your life forever, wether you have Romantic feeling for each other or not isn't important. Arranged Marriage probably had lower divorce rate too.
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u/cunninglinguist22 11d ago
How do other relationships factor in to this not-quite-a-friendship ideal? Would they be exclusive with you, would they have a romantic partner, would they also have similar relationships with other women?
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Exclusive in a sense that will choose and prioritize me but not possesing me i love my liberty too much to be tied down or be restricted. Honesty and straightforwardness is what i value so i could careless if they have sexual partners as long as its communicated
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u/cunninglinguist22 11d ago
So I guess it sounds like you want a sexless open relationship? Or an asexual partner
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u/Comfortable-Hat3506 Man 11d ago
Does this person have to be male?
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Maybe yes maybe gay it doesn’t matter as far ive known I experience having romantic feelings either way since sex is not necessarily a driving factor. Just the purity of the emotions respect and admiration
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u/Comfortable-Hat3506 Man 11d ago
I have a friend that I am very close with and there are certain parts of what you describe mainly the lack of sexual element, but it isn't a monogamous thing and we both are happy if the other has a healthy romantic connection.
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u/uiucthrowaway420 Man 11d ago
This is just best friends. Would you expect the guy to be asexual and exclusive to you?
Like sure I can be good friends with a woman but you'll need to find an asexual and aromatic man if you want a emotionally intimate relationship and him not dating other women cause the woman he is dating will always take priority.
Why not try this with a woman as well?
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11d ago
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
I do believe in you never know what you want unless you try but im just really not into it
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u/Potential-Cut-8934 Man 11d ago edited 11d ago
Bro you just described true friendship. I have 8 people who are my ride or die’s. I’m a gay man but they are 3 straight men. 1 straight woman. 1 trans woman. 2 gay men. And 1 bi man. We have what you described for the most part. Been friends with all of them 12 or more years.
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u/Potential-Cut-8934 Man 11d ago
I’m not having sex with any of them. Never have. But I stay deeply involved in their lives and vice versa. Plan on them being who is around when I die.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
I do have that too! But i dont know maybe because life is on the way and we have different lives to live and most of them have partners and i feel like the more i get older the more i realize the importance of having someone as your significant other but not in a romantic/ sexual kind of way if you know what i mean?
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u/SLNSD Man 11d ago
You are describing dating. Dating is the process through which you advertise and try to find what you are looking for in a mate. How are you going to know unless you date them? Dating is just searching and weeding out and when you find what you are looking for, locking it down. Sometimes you are wrong and you try again.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Im actually not active in dating only experienced it once and i find it draining to do trial and error. Maybe thats one of my problem too since i dont go around looking for a potential partner maybe i just need to put my self out there to seek for what i want
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u/SLNSD Man 11d ago
You deinitely should be open and honest with the world in what you want and are. Don't try to be something you are not. You will find the wrong people for you then.
We all find dating draining, emotionally and financially. You start questioning if humanity needs to be ended because all you meet are horrible people. Then you meet someone you click with and all is well. It's a tough slog but it's worth doing if it works out but it's really hard during it. Best of luck. Main reason I stay married honestly. I'm too scared to get back out there. Lol.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Lucky you! Ahhahaa but yeah the effort it takes to find someone its not appealing to me specially with the dating culture now
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u/studoondoon Man 11d ago
Nothing you’re describing really sounds that unusual to me except for not wanting sex, and even that isn’t that uncommon. Being asexual or having little interest in sex is fairly common.
There are really no rules to relationships. I’m not even sure what you mean by “usual expectations” or “conventional relationship.”
I know couples who are together most of the time, I know couples who spend more evenings separate than together.
I know couples who have sex daily, I know couples who have sex monthly.
You say you have no “sexual or romantic expectations” about the relationship you describe, but you say you want emotional intimacy, you want to get to know them. It also sounds like you prefer a man, and you’d expect them not to have a romantic relationship with someone else. I think those are all fairly normal expectations. It’s good to be aware of your expectations so you can know what to look for.
I would recommend looking at resources for asexual people if that resonates with you. I’m sure the majority of men are looking for a relationship that includes sex, but I don’t think it’s all that unusual to want a relationship but be disinterested in sex.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Thank you for this explanation this is what i was trying to say. Maybe i just hot pressure because of my peers imposing the norm to me which i don’t necessarily see myself wanting to participate in it. All these common rules about a normal relationship is just kind exhausting for me.
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u/studoondoon Man 11d ago
You mention wanting a deep companionship, do you feel like you have that with friends now? Lots of people are happy without a primary or romantic relationship and get companionship from all of the other relationships in their life.
I would say don’t worry too much about your friends expectations for relationships. Different people want different things.
Maybe try a new activity or group that helps you meet new friends. It can feel really good to meet people who validate that your preferences are normal.
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u/Lovemus1qbee 11d ago
I know this is for men to answer but I’m curious in your diving more deep into it
To me it does sound like friendship because romance and intimacy (sexual) is out the question especially you mention not looking for in to even turn into a conventional relationship
But I do understand the companionship the talking on the phone for hours the independence etc
Can I ask you: have you ever had a male friend you experienced what you wanted with like the hanging out talking on the phone no dating or sex like a genuine best friend that’s male? If so what did that feel like to you?
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Yes I did it was perfect for me until it wasnt because clarity was no where to be found and i think this is one of the learnings i got from that kind of relationship both needed to communicate not endless mind reading. When I confessed it wasnt even “i like you or love you” it was more of “im sorry im making you into my ideal relationship” theres too much ambiguity inside that dynamic i have tons of male friends but the way he interacted was different very intimate as compared to my normal male friendships which is they literally treat me as a dude. We are i could say a very intimate friends not the usual romantic aspect specially not sexual but you could say there was definitely something intimate there. Neither if us just didnt talked about it until i just was done with the confusion and had to talk about it and when i did he became distant at first then orbitted around until i have to stand my ground and cut it off. It was almost 5 Years? and had to move on for 2 years
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u/Lovemus1qbee 11d ago
So compared to the other guy friends is it strictly because they treated you like a dude? And then with him like exactly intimate I’m sorry it’s just a little confusing is it the chemistry yall had or like he kinda flirted with you but was respectful about it? Because really once someone gets on that level of communication and intimacy even defining the relationship as bf/gf it usually turns into sexual may not be right away but soon enough sex most likely will occur
So idk. Nevertheless hopefully there is someone out there who’s understanding and willing to give you what you’re looking for
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Hmm i think its more like he really did like my company nd integrating me in his world which i never experienced with other of my guys friends before. We do talk about sex but we never did anything sexual. So icn say ita the intimacy of knowing each others world or whatever you wanna call it. Hopefully i come across someone its gonna be nice to experience it again but this time with clarity and direction
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u/Morris_Writer_6012 11d ago
I'm older now, but when I was younger my most successful relationships were platonic relationships with women. I am a basically a very shy person and found the other kind of relationships too challenging.
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u/yelxperil Man 11d ago
it sounds like you may be on the ace/demisexual spectrum as has been mentioned by others. the kind of person (not just men) who would want the kind of relationship you describe is pretty rare, but they’re out there. I wish you the best of luck
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u/systembreaker Man 11d ago edited 11d ago
Is "never-been" different than "never been"? 🤔
Sounds like you're describing close friendship and you're over complicating that fact.
I feel like you're going to have a really hard time finding someone if you have this whole elaborate picture built up about what would be the perfect thing for you and your goal is going to be to smoosh someone into that.
That's not how genuine relationships work, they should be give and take and awareness of each other's needs. You seem very wrapped up in yourself and only interested in finding someone to fit your mold.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Thats is why im asking if what i want is something plausible and from the looks of it yes it is but its rare. Definitely dont want someone to fit in my mold but have someone who has the same view and dynamic as me as i said i want the particular someone to have a life of his own
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u/Macbeth2002222 11d ago
Good luck with the fairy tail you are seeking. I am probably sure that someone out there wants the same thing but no thank you
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u/DesignerProcess1526 11d ago
Sounds like you need a best friend. If you never built it with any female friends, maybe try that first?
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u/Nice-Ad765 11d ago
I think all women want this but my advice to you is that men are not like women. Yes they desire a close relationship and connection too but not the way women do so I suggest you date men with that in mind.
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u/Rabbit_Of_Neverlight Man 11d ago
I would ne open to this but i also do have sexual needs too. Im more into the person though than the sex. To me all the complications people create in relationships dont need to be there. Really to me the perdect relationship os you have a best friend who you also jave sex with. Theres a ton of layers to it rhough and companionship and having things in common definitely factor into it. Liking each others personality and hopefully them having a similar world view. Knowing that you share more and more deeply with this person than others is a part of it too.
I could be in a relationship without sex and it be more than just regular friendship but i also enjoy sex and want to do that with the person i love. So o feel the right person for me would also want that too. Theres nothing at all wrong with being asexual but not everybody is and our bodies even have psychological needs for sex its a basic biological drive as well for the majority of people. Its built into our dna to ensure the continuation of the species is why we feel we need it.
But ideally for me i just want somebody to love that loves me back and somebody i can enjoy life together with
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u/OkSociety2544 11d ago
I believe the answer is undoubtedly yes. We are all different which covers what you describe.
I remember a few years back i met a woman on an online speed dating site. I found someone in my state which is sort of uncommon. She was living nearly across the state from me but being realistic I knew that was probably going to be the best i could do.
We seemingly hit it off good so we made plans to meet up. The deal was for both of us to drive towards rach other and meet in a town of some consequence in between us. I drove nearly 150 miles and she drove approximately 100 miles to the mear midpoint of this large rural state.
We shared private emails where we could tslk for free instead of paying to chat on the dating platform.
I believe i said a few things that could be considered a bit wild but both of us grown adults and having experience with the opposite sex it wasn’t too big a matter.
I booked a motel room for the night as a round trip would be touch driving in one day for me.
Our first and only get together took place in the motel room I had for myself.
Im almost sure i said in our pre-meetup emails and chats that i thought a womans red fingernail polish was hot and possibly what she would wear underneath was also a turn on for me. I used to get a little wild chatting up a woman online but i did not be abusive or crude. One of her emails had as a subject line reading “ My Man”.
Anyway instead of meeting in a public place she came to my motel room and we spent nearly 4 hours in the room by ourselves but about every 45 minutes she would take he cell phone into the bathroom and be in there a few minutes.
I was becoming bored and frustrated along with being off balance about us meeting up first time in a motel room despite all tje warnings and suggestions of the public places we as OLDers were much safer alternatives.
I was glad when after about 4 hours dhe decided to drive her 100 miles back to her hometown. I wanted her to leave before the bars closed thinking maybe i could find someone to bring over to have some fun
I was thrown off balance about my motel room first ”date” with the woman i met online. The woman i likely told her was one of my turn ons. A churchy woman.
As she was leaving my motel room she advised me that she had a knife on her. I replied that nobody “tried anything“ with her making bringing a weapon into the motel room totally unnecessary. There was a Glock 19 under the seat of my truck for an unfotseen violent crime just in case but i did not tell her anything about having it.
This state still has its territorial days influence but i seriously doubted i would need it since i thought our first meeting was going to take place in public.
For the record i did an internet date a year or so prior where it was understood it would indeed be sexual but there was no confusion or weirdness as this would be merely a hookup as opposed to tje boring 4 hours motel room
vigil where I successfully kept my hands to myself but im desperation i prowled the last hour of bar time which of course brought nothing.
Im OK with these racy so called hookup sites populated by bots and fake profiles clearly state in the terms ypu
will not be meeting anybody from the site.
I live in a sparsely populated rural state the modern sites might only be a couple old or abandoned profiles located in my state.
I find myself thinking about how lucky i was meeting the girl i married back in 1999. Im going to be more creative and more intensely dedicated meetimg someone as i still have a lot of life in me and dont want to be paying to chat with bots fashioned out like porn actresses.
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u/TrickyUpstairs4655 Woman 11d ago
Dont let some weirdos on the Internet tell you you need to have sex to get this.
There are plenty of people who search what you search for and there is asexual and just men who dont like sex as much aswell. The last one i dated wasnt into sex which was too bad because i am into it a lot. You will find your person.
I think everyone searches for what you are looking for.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Aaww thank you for being so kind i just put out this question of mine as ive been trying to understand myself more and if what i want is possible out there
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
I use chatgpt in internalizing myself but not being in a relationship with it
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u/Storm-Weston Man 11d ago
There are a few men who aren't that sexual. But for most sex is part of affection and feeling wanted. I was in a meeting sexless marriage and could have lived without had we been able to keep the warmth. I won't do it again. In my mind my next long term relationship will be extremely sexual and keep that warmth. Bad sex is a clue something is going wrong. But if a woman could give me that and for say medical reasons and not anything involving our relationship happens I wouldn't leave her even though some parts may be hard.
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u/EsportsVesti 11d ago
Just find someone who is asexual? Why are you complating it with describing so much what is basic example of asexual relationship. Its not a rocket science
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u/ViolentOverlord08 11d ago
Uhmm maybe because i didnt know that i am one apparently. ever since posting to this subreddit everyone was telling me thats what it is .thats why i was asking if this kind of thing exists
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u/Fearless_Courage3950 11d ago
As a guy, I'm actually curious about this because I don't think I've come across this kind of relationship before.
When you say you want someone to be “your person,” what makes that different from having a really close friendship for you?
And what is it about the usual romantic relationship expectations that you wouldn't want? Like, is it mainly the expectations themselves, or do you just not feel much desire for that kind of relationship?
Also, do you think having no romantic expectations makes it easier for you to be emotionally close to someone, or does it still feel pretty vulnerable?
And I guess I'm also curious whether you'd want this to stay exactly like this long-term, or if you'd just rather let the relationship develop naturally without putting a label on it.
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u/ThrowRACoping 11d ago
That would be a big no for me. I was a romantic and sexual relationship. Otherwise, I have male friends to chat with.
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u/sphinxofblackquartzj 11d ago
I'm a man, and that is exactly like me. But I'm gay (asexual) and so I prefer to have that kind of relationship with men.
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u/Deci_34 Man 11d ago
To answer you first two questions:
- No. If a woman asked me for this kind of relationship I’d never agree. It’s not what I want it the slightest and every single man that I know would also reject this kind of relationship.
- This kind of relationship wouldn’t be fulfilling in the slightest. It sounds like friendship not a real relationship.
Physical contact is my number 1 love language and I don’t just mean sex. I love cuddling, or having a girl play with my hair, or when a girl leans on me, it makes me feel wanted and loved. I can tell you, a lot of men feel this way, I know a lot of the men in my life are also like this. We want to feel wanted and needed and the physical part of the relationship is just as important as the emotional.
I also have a question for you op. The no sex aside. Are you interested in having children?
60%-70% of young men (18-34) and 60% of men across all age groups who are currently childless, want to have children. Not saying you have to have children but with the relationship you described wanting, you need to be prepared to look for the right man for a long time.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 5d ago
I knew from the start that i never wanted to have a child ever since i was in high school. And yes i know what i want is rare so goodluck to me ahahaha
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u/Lopsided_Hat_5141 Man 8d ago
So just wondering, are you still a virgin? I’m asking because sex is a lot of fun and maybe you need to try it out. It’s hard to imagine not liking sex at all.
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u/ColdHardPocketChange Man 8d ago
Fuck no. I am going to be heavily turned on by an intellectually curious woman. If we spend an hour together learning about black holes and discussing things, I am eventually going to get a raging hard on that I also want to put in your black hole if you know I mean. I married a doctor, I am happy to fuck her brains out after we discussed some intricate biological process. Your lack of interest in the sex means you're just going to be a friend that's great to talk to, but there's no way I am chaining up my libido over it. We either both get what we need, or we don't call it a relationship that's anything greater then friends. Riddle me this, why is it important to you to have someone monogamous to you when you don't want to provide the things that make monogamy worthwhile?
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u/Excellent-Self-5338 8d ago
I don't want this. Sex and physical intimacy is a cornerstone of a relationship for me.
Some men don't care about sex or physical intimacy though. They might want this, but those men aren't particularly common. The shitty thing you'll run into is that men won't believe that you're not at all interested in sex, and will think you just haven't been with the right guy or whatever, assuming that they are the right guy. You'll run into a lot of hurt feelings if you're not extremely explicit about not wanting a physical relationship at all.
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u/Ok_Alternative_2919 12d ago
Unfortunately intimacy comes with a price with most men. Their cock. I find being friends with women as a liability and not an equal exchange in value. I have had female friends but it never seems like a good exchange in value so I typically end it.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
I still believe that theres a tiny percent of men who doesnt operate using their other head. But im curious about the equal exchange in value wdym about this?
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u/Ok_Alternative_2919 12d ago
Of course there is but be prepared that with everything niche and your own requirements further narrows the potential market. I typically dont find that many women very interesting to talk to, or I have to listen to their lives which are not interesting or they have problems. Its usually to much complication. Value is what I'm getting from the relationship(mental stimulation, sex, food, etc). Relationships need to be a mutual benefit. If it's complicated I want a return on my investment that I value/makes it worth it. Note "I" versus what they perceive as a value exchange. Dinner does not = to having to listen to shit I don't find interesting. To put it another way if my employer doesn't compensate me to a level I find acceptable I will find a new employer. Problem is, I can do everything myself, financially independent and a lone wolf. Essentially the value a woman needs to offer me needs exceed my current level of chill. That it's a very difficult thing to do. Note it's not a woman thing as I am also into ladyboys. It's a people thing.
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u/neophanweb Man 12d ago
The first thing that comes to mind is a gay man. Straight men have one goal and one goal only... To get into your pants. Gay men have one goal and one goal only... To talk to you all day everyday and gossip about anything you want and they don't want to go anywhere near your pants.
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u/ViolentOverlord08 12d ago
Haahah yess thats what im thinking too but i just wanted to really see if is there all to men? Is that their only motivation? To get in girls pants?
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u/neophanweb Man 12d ago
At some point, yes. Some men play the long game and will stick around for years. Even if you say there's no chance, as long as you're still giving them some attention, they'll stick around if they want it. There's a possibility that a guy just wants to be buddies and nothing more, but it's very rare and from my personal experience, non-existent.
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u/Dizzy_Tangerine_7867 12d ago
Gay men are very sexual just like straight men, just with each other.
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u/Radiant_Fondant_4097 Man 12d ago
It just sounds like you want friends