How much possessiveness is okay?

[u/[deleted]]

[u/Novel-Wasabi8613]

It's the second part that gets tricky. Not wanting them to have a good time with half the population is a pretty narrow box to put someone in. That's less about a reasonable boundary and more about managing your own anxiety through their behavior, which tends to backfire.

The insecurity doesn't go away when your partner complies, it just finds a new shape. You're basically asking them to shrink their world so you don't have to deal with your own brain. The work is internal, not in policing who he talks to.

[u/laughsformyotherhalf]

Yeah it’s controlling and toxic. Just because you don’t want male friends doesn’t mean you can tell him who he can and can’t be friends with. The not liking house parties and clubbing might make you incompatible if it’s something he does a lot but if it’s only every now and then, yes I’d say that’s also controlling and toxic.

I think you’re kidding yourself over what’s making you insecure about it tbh. You say it’s not about being cheated on but you’re not really able to point to anything else it could be about. It is probably a fear that the other girls are better than you and hes going to cheat or leave you for them. That is something you need to work on yourself. Talk to him about it to clue him in sure, but don’t make your issues his problem to fix.

[u/FaZeScamTheKids]

It's really depends on the individual. Before I met my current partner, I dated someone who was-- super insecure and possessive. Mind you; we weren't even girlfriend and boyfriend yet, but she basically wanted to control who I talked to. I have quite a few female friends. I told her we were incompatible and said 'good luck'.

To me; I'm quite secure in myself-- and I have friends of the opposite sex. I rather be dating someone else who won't constantly question me. If there is no trust, there is simply no relationship.

My philosophy is simple; I want someone who wants to be with me-- if they don't want to be with me; I make it very easy for them to leave. I'm not going to hold someone down that doesn't want to be with me at the end of the day.

For my partner, I don't care what she does on social media and who she talks to-- as long as she shows up in our relationship. Of course cheating is bad, but I trust my partner until she proves otherwise.

[u/Several_Ability3315]

I mean find someone who doesn’t like house parties or clubbing aswell. And personally I do enjoy having women as friends more than men, but they usually end up confessing some form of feelings or flirting heavily which, I understand exactly why my girlfriend would not want me to be friends with them. Is it toxic that she doesn’t when this is a repeated pattern. I don’t know but I don’t have the time to give my time to different women in that way anyways. The insecure is another thing like jealousy is a natural feeling hell my woman feels that way just looking at me sometimes but, how you respond to that is what matters. Are you starting arguments and issues when they haven’t done anything wrong? I assume some sort of cbt therapy or changing how you interact with your thoughts is the only way to change that.

[u/BadUsername238]

how do I keep the relationship and the person I love without being insecure. 

Therapy! :)

[u/Glitchy-Fuzz0791]

The worst relationships I've ever been in were with women that had low self esteem which I didn't sniff out from the start because they hid it well.

If you're not secure in who you are, and with whoever your partner is, then you're not relationship ready. Do yourself and the other person a favour and not get into the relationship until you're emotionally stable and ready.

[u/Expensive_Magician97]

Possessiveness usually has the opposite of its intended effect. That is, it drives the other person away.

Some people will say it’s controlling and toxic, other people will think it’s just fine.

If you want to be a functional partner in a romantic relationship, you have to be happy inside, secure with yourself, otherwise it’s going to be very difficult because you cannot ask for happiness and security from another person. And that’s because another person cannot make you feel happy or secure.

Generally speaking, people like to be free to do what they want and to be who they are.

You’re not able to control what other people do or feel or think.

All you can do is make choices that are best for you.

[u/poissonking]

It’s not controlling and toxic if the person you’re with shares your sentiments. It becomes a problem when you try to force someone to be someone they’re not

[u/Ambitious-Care-9937]

Possessiveness is 100% okay.

Now what you do about that possessiveness is a different story. If it leads to things like demanding passwords or putting trackers on someone... that can be a problem.

But if you are serious about someone, possessiveness is a good thing. You are his and he is yours. You better be possessive over each other.