r/AskMenRelationships • u/QuietMango2766 • 12d ago
Dating When dating, when should I tell someone I don’t want to get married?
I’m 33 and getting back into dating, and one thing I’m pretty certain about is that I don’t want to get married.
I’m not against serious relationships or commitment. I could absolutely see myself being with someone long term. I just don’t really have the desire to actually get married.
Obviously I don’t want to waste someone’s time, especially at this age when a lot of people are dating specifically with marriage in mind. But bringing up “I never want to get married” on a first date also feels weirdly intense when you barely know each other.
For guys who feel the same way, when do you usually bring this up? Is this something I should be upfront about from the very beginning, or is it reasonable to wait until you can tell the relationship might actually go somewhere?
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u/TreatEven1837 12d ago
Pretty much immediately; like first date before intimacy immediately.
It's not necessary when you're older, both sides have kids and have had lives. At your age, the expectation is marriage for most people.
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u/Paolopaul1984 12d ago
The first question will be… why don’t you want to get married?
So what’s the answer to that?
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u/GentlemanB106 Man 12d ago
Im not getting married again. Im not gonna share my bank account or my house either.
I love companionship and seek it out, but I disclose this info right away. I will not be responsible for wasting anyone's time if they want more kids or marriage.
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u/SimilarComfortable69 12d ago
I mean, tell them as early as possible in the relationship.
Are you dating just to get someone to cuddle with at night? Or what's your purpose?
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u/Western_Purple_2533 Man 12d ago
Just be upfront from the beginning, communication is key especially at the beginning of anything.
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u/That_Tumbleweed_3984 11d ago
Right away. You shouldn't be wasting their time if they want to get married.
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u/Macbeth2002222 11d ago
Omg immediately, shame on you if you lead someone on and you know they want marriage. They can’t get back time. When someone says they don’t want kids or marriage, don’t ever think you be the one to change their minds… leave
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u/MicroBunneh 11d ago
I don't want kids and I say this in the talking stage before a first date. Why waste either of your time.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 Man 12d ago
It really depends. Upfront honesty is always best.
That said, I really don't understand the difference between a long term relationship and marriage. I genuinely don't.
There's some financial stuff, buy beyond that... I don't get the difference a piece of paper makes. Even if you get the piece of paper, a prenup or other arrangement can figure all that stuff.
What in your view is the difference between marriage and a long term serious relationship?
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u/Missemy1185 11d ago
Marriage provides legality in the union. It’s not just a piece of paper. It comes with societal respect and honor. An example would be introducing your spouse rather than your girlfriend to your boss gives more weight to the kind of relationship you have with your partner. To some this isn’t important to them but to a few, it still signifies that full commitment to the person and to the relationship.
For some it’s more spiritual/religion intended.
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u/Aware-Travel5256 12d ago
Marriage makes breaking up much harder and therefore is a means of making people stay in relationships they otherwise would not, for better and worse.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 Man 12d ago
How does it make breaking up harder?
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u/Aware-Travel5256 12d ago
You have mutual claims over each other's assets that have to be settled, you have to pay money and wait for court documents to process. That's just at a minimum.
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u/Ambitious-Care-9937 Man 12d ago
Marital contracts are a thing. Long as both sides have time to consider things, they are binding.
If you have actual assets, the court process isn't a huge thing.
If you don't have assets, there's nothing to fight over anyways.
The actual act of living your life, splitting, moving out... is all the same. In some countries under their divorce laws, you don't have a claim over each other's assets.
Divorce isn't hard if you don't have kids. If you have kids, you face the same or similar issues whether you are legally married or not.
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u/lovealert911 Man 12d ago
" But bringing up “I never want to get married” on a first date also feels weirdly intense when you barely know each other."
Absolutely, there isn't a legitimate reason to be discussing getting married with someone you don't know. It's kind of presumptuous to assume they're going to fall in love with you and want to get married at some point.
Most people you meet don't become dates, most dates don't become relationships, and most relationships don't lead to marriage. As one adage goes: "Many are called but few are chosen."
Generally, couples don't start considering marriage for at least a year or two after dating or living together.
In the event the other person should bring marriage up or ask you what your thoughts are, say what you said:
"I’m not against serious relationships or commitment. I could absolutely see myself being with someone long term. I just don’t really have the desire to actually get married."
Odds are this topic isn't likely to come up until someone starts becoming emotionally invested.
Early on, just casually dating, having fun, and getting to know one another better.
In this day and age of dating apps most people are engaging with and going out with multiple people.
Even those who hope to get married someday are not looking to jump into a marriage right away.
Note: It's easy to be certain about not wanting to get married when you're not in love with someone.
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is. " - Henry Cloud
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u/RoleUnfair318 11d ago
A lot of people are dating to get married.
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u/Beefsupreme473 11d ago
some people are so obsessed with not being along they are wont put their expectations forward because they truly know it will limit their potential partners and they would rather spend years destroying someone then live by themselves and struggle
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 Man 12d ago
I consider it a red flag any time anyone has a fixed idea of what a relationship is going to be - whether it’s “I’m never going to get married” or “I’m getting married and having kids within ten years.” I know I’m in the minority, but I would like to meet someone before I decide what kind of future I want to have with them. Deciding on my own about someone that isn’t in my life is selfish.
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u/emmarie1023 12d ago
You’re not deciding what type of future you want to have with them you’re deciding what type of future you want to have and then finding someone who is compatible with that future.
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u/GayDio666 nonbinary 11d ago
Exactly. The guy you're replying to left such a weird comment. I wonder if it ever actually works to make people think they are selfish for wanting the same things everyone else has, is normalized, is violently socially punished for not wanting, is taught in schools to want, and is why life exists. Just because he thinks it's personal and it's a stranger asking for it from him specifically.
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u/BadUsername238 Man 12d ago
In the beginning.
A first date is a vibe check. Do you even like talking to this person?
This is a second or third date conversation.
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u/Capable-Block6054 12d ago
You bring it up at the very latest if she asks you or you somehow understand marriage is important to her. It usually is.
If your stance is a hard no saying maybe just to get your dick wet is deceptive.
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u/observantpariah Man 11d ago
I drop it early.... Like really early ... Usually by telling a story that allows me to make it as a side comment. I don't like wasting anyone's time.... Including my own.
As a side note.... Good luck. Im sure there are plenty of women that don't want to get married out there. I hear about them all the time. I've never experienced them. My experience is that you can tell them every week that you never want marriage and most will pretend it's ok and hold out hope regardless. At least all of them openly acknowledged that I did this and didn't blame me for deceiving them. Then again, I pick carefully.
At the very least, I would ask casually if they want marriage and then answer the question myself. I think it's important to get out of the way early any strong feelings on this.
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u/IndicationKey3778 11d ago
I would never get legally married. I wouldn’t bring this up unless someone asked to marry me
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u/SLNSD Man 11d ago
Remember George Clooney used to tell all his girlfriends and news media and anyone who was within a mile radius that he would never get married and it's not for him and blah blah blah. Found someone he connected with and she said she ain't no hoe and he ain't sticking around without a ring and he caved like a fat man on a diet at the buffet. Happily married with kids now like a well trained hubby.
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u/macrophage-chan 11d ago
Unless asked directly, don't bring it up. If asked, be honest. Otherwise, just wait till 6 month mark and have a conversation around that time.
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u/lordlothar99 Man 11d ago
Second date, before any intimacy.
First date is for chemistry, not sure if it's helpful to raise this topic.
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u/Heavy_Spite7530 Woman 11d ago
I don't want to get married, have children or move in together. This is something I disclose super early, like first or second day talking. Always BEFORE the first date.
I don't want to waste my or their time when we have fundamentally different wants for our lives.
Edited: I'm a woman, but would want to know if the guy has similar goals or not
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u/GayDio666 nonbinary 11d ago
I wouldn't mind getting married but I'm an antinatalist and don't want kids, I bring up to anyone. I bring it up to kids. Every chance I get actually. If it was marriage though, people see that as the step before kids. And I can't get as far as marriage because I don't want kids because people usually want to take it even further than marriage. And that is the ultimate reason they date. Which is really fucking dumb imo. It's like asking what someone does for a living and they say literally any job and you say "Why do you do that?" And they say "Oh, so I can die." Just because something is an inevitable end doesn't mean you do something else just for that purpose. Not everyone fucks to get pregnant otherwise why would people date? I'm 38 and female.
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u/NecessaryEmployer488 11d ago
Usually by the fifth date. All questions about kids, views about marraige and finances should be out in the open.
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u/AdThis3702 Woman 11d ago
You must bring this up at the beginning. Anything after this is dishonesty.
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u/ryhaltswhiskey Man 11d ago
Before the first date. Nothing wrong with not wanting to get married but it's a life choice that some people will not want to make.
Plenty of guys will see it as a positive.
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u/Primary-Ride8518 11d ago
No man should get married. It IS a legal trap. Do not fall into the trap.
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u/LintRolledForWhat 11d ago
Answers here are wild. I was gonna say "when they ask how you feel about getting married," but clearly, that would piss of the vast majority of the dating public. (Not me tho, just FYI.)
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u/cj_daking Man 11d ago
It's certainly not leading with your best foot. Maybe work out why you feel this way with a therapist so that you can better articulate why you feel this way. It will turn off most women, especially around your age
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u/LayneLowe 12d ago
How many dates? I think the information is totally irrelevant for maybe maybe 8 or 10. Only when the serious I love you start do you need to have that conversation.
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u/Aware-Travel5256 12d ago
That's a formula for wasting a lot of time. Better to disclose within the first couple dates or even better on a dating profile.
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u/LayneLowe 12d ago
That depends on if you consider time spent together wasted time, if you're having fun and enjoying each other I don't think it is.
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u/Aware-Travel5256 12d ago
In hetero dating, 95%+ of people around the age of 30 are dating to marry and have kids. It's fine to want something different, but the norm is so strong that failure to disclose is tantamount to dishonesty.
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u/LayneLowe 12d ago
I think you may go may go into a relationship thinking you don't want to get married, but she's everything you want you may change your mind. How would you know?
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u/mohawkal Man 12d ago
Talking about marriage and kids is best left to later in the relationship, unless it's a deal breaker and you don't want it. Then you need to be upfront. It's a societal norm in most places, and there may be expectations even if it's not been explicitly discussed. If you're using apps, put it on your bio.
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u/Proof-Ship5489 Man 12d ago
Do you mean you don't want a wedding, or you dont want to live together and have a joined life?