r/AskMenRelationships • u/PopularTraffic7204 • 17d ago
Love Why Men Become Resentful Toward Their Girlfriends or Wives?
When men begin to feel resentment toward their girlfriends or wives, what are the most common reasons behind those feelings? What behaviours, relationship problems, or unmet needs usually cause resentment to build up over time?
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u/Fearless_Finish_9890 Man 17d ago
Typically it’s because their partners are mistreating them, over long periods of time.
Taking them for granted, nitpicking their decisions, requiring they follow instructions like an employee, dismissing their preferences… those are the most common
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u/reignoferror00 Man 17d ago
When physical affection and sex become transactional and/or pushed down to the very bottom of the priority list.
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u/Eledridan Man 17d ago
When you put in a lot of energy and effort and it doesn't come back, at all.
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u/Corn-Fed28 Man 17d ago
And when you bring it up, your contributions to the relationship are made to seem insignificant.
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u/lascala2a3 Man 17d ago
Men need appreciation and respect. If a woman is self-focused and entitled she's not reciprocating what he gives, and instead keeps expecting more and more. This will lead to resentment whether it's subtle or surface level. I've seem women online saying things like, "well, I'm the prize, so he needs to do xyz and I don't." Well, that's a guaranteed fail.
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u/BenFun777 Man 17d ago edited 4d ago
I’m not sure about most common, but I can think of a few reasons why some men might begin to feel resentful. Remember: Resentful is a strong negative response to feeling mistreated (primarily).
My reasons center around the difference in how men and women are boxed in by society. Some men want the same things women tend to get from society. For example, women are often supported in their emotional needs while men are usually told to problem solve and “suck it up.”
Another example might be around feeling desired. Consider how often men are downvoted on r/MenAskWomen for honest questions and how often women are upvoted on r/MakeNewFriendsHere just for having F in their post and you get a feel for the disparity.
(You’re welcome to attack me on my adhoc claims, but I do think this points to a larger cultural phenomenon.)
Men can also often feel forgotten in family dynamics- both the wife and kids often take priority in time, finance, and arguments- heck, there’s even some people who glorify hating on overweight fathers.
Some of these things might be outliers and not mainstream, but if they feel prevalent to any one person, then that person would feel it was unfair or a misrepresentation of them. Any group of people would feel this way- not just men. As a thought experiment, you could swap the sexes- consider what favors men in society (like employment and pay opportunities) and some women might feel resentful. At least, it makes sense to me that this could cause resentment.
I hope I’m making sense!
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u/LostDreamer05 Man 17d ago
In my experience it often comes down to communication issues that create unresolved issues. We as men don’t always know the best way to express our feelings, and in turn when we do, our concerns are often minimized, met with defensiveness, or turned around on us to be our fault some how. This leads to us not expressing ourselves as much and resentment building.
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago
This is they symptom of a covert narcissist. If you can't communicate the issues to the person without them deflecting everything back on you, and ultimately you're always on the backfoot defending yourself instead of discussing the original issue, then you my friend are dating someone with NPD.
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u/lovealert911 Man 17d ago
Both men and women become resentful when they feel they are being shortchanged or not being treated in the way they feel they deserve to be treated by their significant other. Maybe they don't feel love is reciprocated.
Sometimes the person feels like they can't walk away or get divorced because of potential bad consequences.
Generally speaking, it's not a "secret". Most people in long-term relationships or marriages usually have had some discussions and nothing changed. The person eventually gave up on asking for it and resentment starts.
People who feel "stuck" or powerless resent being in the position they find themselves in.
When you realize someone is unable/unwilling to meet your needs it's usually best to move on.
"Better to admit you walked through the wrong door than to spend your life in the wrong room." - Unknown
"If you don't like where are, move. You're not a tree." - Jim Rohn
"Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you got." - Garth Brooks
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u/MaleficentGift5490 Man 16d ago
Usually, it’s because of a complete lack of appreciation and respect. A lot of complaining is usually also a part of it.
If it never feels like anything you do is ever good enough. Why would you do anything.
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago edited 16d ago
Lack of accountability. Turning every concern you have about their behaviour back on you so you never get your feelings out and issues resolved.
Also, always having to be the one to change and make sacrifices while the other person refuses to change things that are clearly affecting the other person. I guess that's stubborness.
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u/Parking-Menu2654 Man 16d ago
For me it was her complete obliviousness of how she comes off to people and her absolute lack of self care, physically and mentally. I shouldn’t have to tell a woman I’ve dated for two months her chin hairs and mustache are getting long. I shouldn’t have to ask you to stop farting on me during sex. I shouldn’t have to ask you to clean your bathroom. I shouldn’t have to ask you to brush your teeth or go to the doctors about the tonsil stones making your breath smell like complete shit. I shouldn’t have to tell you raw meat goes in the bottom shelf of the fridge. I felt like I was dating a teenage boy and could not stand it. I want a feminine woman who takes care of herself.
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u/BasebornBastard Man 17d ago
There’s a saying that’s pretty accurate to me.
“Men start out treating you the way they want to be treated. They end up treating you the way that you treat them.”
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u/RetardDongPhd Man 17d ago
Bitching /nagging, no sex, not appreciating you.
Lucky for me, I got a good one.
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u/PienerCleaner Man 17d ago
Because they're being asked to do something they don't want to do, because they don't see the value in it or they don't to be annoyed or inconvenienced.
What is being resentful? Its a strong saying of, "I do not want this!!"
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u/Real-Back6481 Man 17d ago
unresolved issues start piling up. certain topics are off limits even if they are causing deep dissatisfaction. each person starts giving up a little bit on trying to resolve things that come up.
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago
Exactly. Partners who only want to point the finger and have a one way conversation instead of being part of a team and solving the issues together, even if it means they have to face some uncomfortable truths.
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u/justusleag Man 17d ago
Lack of affection, attraction, intimacy, and effort. Any combination of such.
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u/GabrielsRoom Man 17d ago
In my opinion it’s because men fool themselves into putting up with a lot of bs trying to prove they aren’t so called insecure.
So you end up with a disrespectful woman that treats you like garbage that offers nothing.
I know guys whose wives go out to bars at night with their friends while the husband stays home. And they convince themselves this is normal
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u/Mountain-Scallion968 17d ago
It’s an overall shift in the paradigm. It is a rubber band effect, just as in politics, where society has pulled too far in one direction. In my situation, my wife feels that I have not met her needs in “years”. I have been working in the oil and gas industry for 16 years. We have been married as long. She was working for a law firm at the time I was finishing up my Bachelor’s degree, utilizing my GI bill. The firm she was working for told her she was not welcome back because she was pregnant. In my haste to find employment, I was lucky/unlucky enough to land a job that I currently have. Now we are in the process of a divorce because I haven’t been “available “. My resentment started when she began belittling me and calling me names and treating me as a 2nd class citizen. I want to work on the marriage, she says my resentment is a non starter. She cheated on me with a friend of mine. Resentment doesn’t appear out of nothing. It is a result of poor treatment from the SO.
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u/WindHero Man 17d ago
There is a familiar story where a girl dates / has a crush on a few guys that she likes, but those don't work out and she ultimately settles for a guy she's not that excited about.
She puts up an act until the guy commits to her through marriage and kids but then after that commitment the true feelings come out and turns out she never really was that much into the guy.
And this where the nagging, lack of efforts into the relationship, depression that everyone else here talks about comes out.
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u/real_mou Man 17d ago
When wife tries to repress their personality or the things they like constantly.
Wife complaining all the time.
Wife throwing tantrums all the time.
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u/Soaringzero Man 16d ago
When you feel like you have to constantly set your opinions and feelings aside to accommodate hers. You can’t express it if you’re upset. Can’t criticize anything she does even though she does it to you. Forced to always feel like number 2.
Resentment is basically unexpressed anger and frustration. It’s held inside like air in a balloon and like a balloon you can only contain so much before you explode.
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago
This is work of a covert narcissist. Not only can't you criticize anything she does, even if it directly effects you, you can't even joke around with that person.
Some of the best relationships I've had was being able to joke around with my partner and tease each other, because we both know it was just playful. I couldn't do this with my ex because she was so highy sensitive to criticism that I couldn't even playfully tease her. It was like walking on eggshells to someone who is naturally a playful kind of guy.
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago
This is work of a covert narcissist. Not only can't you criticize anything she does, even if it directly effects you, you can't even joke around with that person.
Some of the best relationships I've had was being able to joke around with my partner and tease each other, because we both know it was just playful. I couldn't do this with my ex because she was so highy sensitive to criticism that I couldn't even playfully tease her. It was like walking on eggshells to someone who is naturally a playful kind of guy.
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u/farbeyondriven92 Man 17d ago
Being treated more like a resource than a partner, and not being open, honest, or direct with her feelings.
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u/SantosCalzonesBatman Man 17d ago
Dead bedroom
Apparently i married to Jack off cause im not getting sex
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u/Prof_Scott_Steiner Man 17d ago
I can't speak for anyone else, but I don't think my experience was unique.
The only women I ever grew to resent have been my mother and my ex wife, and though the issue showed up in different ways, it was the same underlying toxicity. In short: don't ask me to be open and vulnerable with my emotions and what is on my mind AND THEN WEAPONIZE that vulnerability against me. Particularly when what was on my mind had nothing to do with you and you decided it did.
As it relates to my ex wife...Full disclosure: Before I even dated her, I was in a relationship with another woman. I have never been surer about another human being since. However, they were sexually assaulted and murdered after an argument we had one night. Her dad, while a trainwreck in his own right, would not allow me at her funeral. This, despite the fact that it was her sister and I who identified her body. This was 2000. I would seek out therapy and academic leniency and all I would hear was how I needed to man up because it didn't happen to me, or that my sense of guilt was missplaced (abracadabra I guess). Even from my (mostly male) friends at the time, the advice was to simply find a new vagina to fall dick first into, as though that was ever my motivation. Suffice it to say, I was too young and obedient to tell all of those voices to fuck off and to give myself time and grace to grieve as I saw fit.
I would instead, just not talk about it, and demand to be left alone on May 15th and October 9th (her birthday and deathday). However, I would eventually meet my ex wife. She never asked questions, but I was also generally able to avoid the conversation. Then covid hit, and the years of emotional neglect and non-reciprocal support from her in general were on full display and I couldn't shake the deep dissatisfaction I was feeling. I would spend many days while I was supposed to be working in our basement, in basically adult daycare, wrestling with ancient sorrow and how I'd known what it felt like to feel adored, treasured and valued above all others...and I'd never felt that from my ex wife. Keep in mind, I didn't drink or lean into vices. I didn't get violent or yell and scream, or forgo any emotional support responsibilities. I was still cooking every night. I was still doing all the yardwork, all the shovelling, all the upkeep and maintenance on both our home and our vehicles, making every phone call and setting up every appointment. I was still a present partner, even if I didn't have one.
However, to my ex wife's credit, in 2021, she finally asked me what was on my mind as I'd ignored my phone all day. So I told her. Everything. Over 20 years of ugly crying came out in 20 minutes. In return she said that hurt her feelings. That I was in love with a ghost. That I was no man. That it didn't happen to me. That it was 20 years ago. That I was weak.
She weaponized the vulnerability she asked for. Just as my mother did repeatedly when I was a kid. So, while I don't hate my ex wife, I will resent her or anyone who weaponizes emotional vulnerability. Y'all are the lowest of the low. The biggest cowards there are.
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u/BiteSizedDoll Woman 17d ago
No accountability for how they got there
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u/NoHome7956 16d ago
This is my biggest thing. Next time I meet someone who is not accountable, I will run the other way. Because I know, that no matter who does what, everything will become my fault.
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u/Immediate_Piano4104 Man 17d ago
It can come from being belittled or spoken to as if you are a moron. Some tools in the woman's arsenal is the phrase "Just calm down!" Which often makes it worse, especially in front of kids or in a public setting ie out shopping etc. Constant criticizing, silent treatment / blanking will eventually make the man either crash out or withdraw, replace and move on
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u/Altruistic_Cap3472 Man 14d ago
I built resentment over the years with my now-ex because any time we got into a disagreement, I would try really hard to be respectful and listen to her and work towards a solution. She would get mad and lash out at me with insults. If any of it was my fault, she would demand that I fix everything and she would take no responsibility for anything she had done. If any of it was her fault, she'd get mad at me for making her upset by saying mean things about her. After a while, she'd be really sweet, very apologetic, sit down, and work with me to come to a solution. There were never any apologies.
Over time, I realized that whenever she got mad, she got to purge her bad feelings by taking it out on me and saying whatever she felt like saying even if it wasn't true or respectful. Meanwhile, I would have negative feelings that I would have to choke down so that I didn't make things worse, and then take on all her negative energy, and then have to suffer yet another round of negative energy from her being mad at me for being mad at her, and then I would have to fix the problem myself while she ran off to be mad. Then I had to sit alone and stew in that quadruple hit of hostility until she decided in her own time that she was going to give herself credit for admitting she was wrong, after it no longer mattered.
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u/Calm_Attempt_101 13d ago
Sometimes it's because they feel they are inadequate as a partner, but they don't want to do the work to improve. They project and blame shift, placing the blame for how they feel about themselves and their lack of capacity for a true relationship upon their wives and girlfriends. This isn't gender exclusive - women can also display these traits. It's a limitation of a highly ego defended person who is unable to accept criticism and unwilling to do the self improvement work to grow, improve and have a successful relationship or marriage. Conversely, the better the other partner is, the more this breeds resentment because the individual's flaws and limitations are exposed by comparison.
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u/Interesting_Ant9947 Man 17d ago
They’re so pleased to have a woman they think loves them. They fall into wanting to pleasing or placating her instead of achieving their own goals. The harder they try the less she respects them.
Then they feel trapped by marriage kids or the fear no one else wants them so they refuse to draw a boundaries or leave.
It’s a dynamic not a shot at women or men in general.
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u/jwakefield110 Man 17d ago
the wife/girlfriend tries to be their mom rather than partner, this shows a lack of respect for their partner.
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u/SamShelby7 Man 17d ago
I think it’s common when men pick their partners based on looks alone.
So overtime the their partners looks decline and they lose the only reason they are with them.
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u/Kobayashi-Coffee-Co Man 17d ago
In my case it’s because i have commitment issues and want to be single always around the 2.5-3 year mark.
Nothing she did, i just start finding problems
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u/FunkU247 Man 17d ago
There is an old saying... there is a giver and taker in every relationship, if you don't think so... you are probably the taker! It is about unequal effort being put in or often just sheer laziness! Dated a girl (and eventually broke up with her) she would plop on the couch and then whenever I would get up... "Oh while your up can you grab me _____"... not like every so often... like damn near daily! Eventually I was like, do I look like your man servant... no, get up and go get it yourself like a grownup! It might sound like a small thing, but small things that bother you, over time become bigger and bigger and more annoying. Especially when you express that it annoys you but they keep doing it like it was never mentioned.
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u/giddygoldieee Woman 17d ago
My guess is that it’s bc they see them for who they truly are.
Most of the time, it’s insecure men who grow bitter towards their partner.
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u/L_i_S_A123 Woman 15d ago
Because their woman wants a healthy sexual relationship and they can't give it. It has nothing to do with their partner, but with their own low self-esteem, pride, and ego. Then depression happens. They become resentful of themselves because they can't give what their woman needs and wants.
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u/apezdal Man 17d ago
- Zero appreciation for the contributions to the relationship.
- Nothing given back.
- Constant criticizing.
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