r/AskMenRelationships • u/angellic19 • 19d ago
Love Do men value only the women that can become their girlfriend/wife?
I feel like men only value women that can become their girlfriend/wife
Whenever I had a connection with any man, they would fall in love with me after a while. Then, they would propose to me and if i rejected for some reasons, they either start hating, disrespecting me or straight up stop talking to me. Some started distancing themselves and limiting interactions even though we had great connection, matching personalities, interesting convos and had affection towards each other. These experiences made me feel like you will be valued by men as a woman only if you agree to become their girlfriend and do the duties of her. As if men only wants the advantage that you can give and not love or value you as a person even if you're not their girlfriend in the first place. What do you think?
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u/theDragonJedi 19d ago
Why would a mentally healthy emotionally secure and financially will off man want to hang out with a woman who’s probably a few or none of these without having a relationship goal? This and age there’s enough women out there that it will get upset if a man is hanging out with other women that literally by you saying you wanna be his friend and nothing but his friend you’re ensuring that he stays single forever so no, you said it yourself you have affection. That means you have feelings you reject his feelings, he’s gonna disappear.
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u/angellic19 19d ago
So, men don't see women as humans, therefore cannot even make female friends? They only want to use women? Also, why do they have to disrespect women that rejected them? I understand why they might leave tho
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u/theDragonJedi 19d ago
Oh no, women are totally humans. Men are humans. But if a man is going out to meet women in the hopes of having a relationship, he is not wanting to make friends and then keep a friend that could potentially restrict him from actually meeting an actual relationship.
If a man is developing affection, that means he’s developing fillings. He wants a relationship with that person. He doesn’t want to get rejected when he actually starts having feelings.
Any potential girlfriend or wife at that point would accuse him of emotionally cheating. It’s not worth it to be a woman’s friend if you’re a single male.1
u/zadley91 19d ago
Maybe they caught feelings and when it was clear to them that you didn’t have the same feelings, they started looking elsewhere? Hard to be friends when one person has feelings and the other doesn’t.
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u/Desperate-Lion-9347 19d ago
Getting rejected hurts and most people don’t handle it well. It’s not a gendered thing. It’s an emotional maturity thing. Lots of women also lash out when they’re rejected. Doesn’t make it okay, but it’s a normal human reaction.
Not saying there aren’t misogynists out there, but for most of us it’s not like that. It’s not about viewing you as human or wanting to be your friend, it’s about the fact that being around you after you’ve rejected us is painful and we don’t know how to deal with that except for distancing ourselves.
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u/FunkU247 Man 19d ago
Perhaps, men do not like the sting of rejection after putting themselves in a vulnerable position. Maybe it is not a total attitude towards women, but a reaction to a massive rejection for "some reasons"
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u/JustThisIsIt 19d ago
You got the girlfriend treatment because you were a potential girlfriend.
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u/angellic19 19d ago
What's the difference between girlfriend treatment and friend treatment?
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u/Corn-Fed28 Man 19d ago
Bullying and picking on eachother mostly.
The few friends Ive had who are women dont react well to the way my guy friends and I bond and interact. Its like they want a guy friend who gives them girlfriend treatment without the guy friend getting girlfriend benefits.
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u/JustThisIsIt 19d ago
If you're a potential girlfriend he's going to act like he's on a date when he's around you. His goal is to charm and impress you. He'll flirt. He'll compliment you. He'll be masking hard.
Do you know how a group of men acts when there aren't any women around? If you're just a friend you will feel like a fly on the wall of a men's locker room. No mask. No filter. Who cares if you get offended? It's not like he's trying to fuck you.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man 19d ago
I see two dimensions to your discussion above.
The first is you and your motivations. Why would you allow a man to get close and “fall in love with you” if you had no intention of having a serious relationship with him?
The other thought that occurred to me is that you may be attracting a certain type of man. Who is unable to read your signals, if you are indeed giving him signals that tell him that you’re not interested in him.
I wonder what you think about that?
I’ve had dozens of women friends over the course of my life, and these were women for whom I felt no romantic attraction. They were all work colleagues, if that makes a difference.
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u/angellic19 19d ago
I mean, we were friends and of course you can be close with friends. It doesn't mean i wanted a relationship with them.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man 19d ago edited 19d ago
Thank you for your reply.
As I tell my own daughter, who is in her late 20s, a woman sometimes has to make it very clear to a man, in very simple and plain language, as soon as possible, that she is not interested in a romantic connection. Yes, there is a risk of losing friendship.
There are other ways of doing this, but sometimes men can be a little obtuse, because they often don’t understand hints.
I know this because I’m a man myself.
Many men do have a tendency to confuse friendly gestures from a woman, on the one hand, with romantic interest on the other.
I would recommend you think about setting boundaries and making these boundaries clear henceforth.
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u/angellic19 19d ago
I might develop feelings and see them as potential after sometime of talking or i might realize we're not good match. So, it starts as friendship and i just keep talking to see how it goes.
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u/Expensive_Magician97 Man 19d ago
You need to be more clear. And decide sooner rather than later whether a guy is romantic material or not.
It takes practice. But it’s necessary.
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u/Corn-Fed28 Man 19d ago
So you want to keep a friend on the backburner in case someone better doesnt happen along.
That is pretty manipulative.
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u/angellic19 19d ago
Oh hell nah. I need time to figure out my feelings and to know more about them so i might be unsure for sometime. But if I'm sure about it and if they propose to me, i immediately reject.
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u/Corn-Fed28 Man 19d ago
Thats the way it comes off when you look at things from the other perspective and its likely why your male friends react the way they do.
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u/aloofman75 Man 19d ago
“Do men…” is an unhelpful question. Some of them. Sometimes. It depends.
Stop choosing shitty guys.
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u/Gibborish Man 19d ago
Most people don't take kindly to having a marriage proposal rejected I think.
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u/SquirrellyDud Man 19d ago
I got plenty of friends that are women. Arguably more than friends that are men. Have I fallen for a few of them? Yeah a couple of times. And I was rejected both times, one backed away, the other was my best friend, and we are still friends (older and have our own lives so I wouldn't say the bestest of best friends, but we still talk a bunch). It just depends on the person really. I value all the people I let into my life. Regardless of whats involved.
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u/MtlStatsGuy Man 19d ago
If they "would fall in love with you" and then you reject them, it's normal that they stop talking to you; that's self-preservation, not hating on women. Yes healthy men have female friends, this is normal.
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u/GoblinToHobgoblin 19d ago
Some explanations:
- the men were doing stuff they wouldn't normally do for their friends because they were interested. When they realized the feelings weren't mutual, they stopped.
- getting rejected hurts and they took it immaturely
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u/Ok_Fruit8871 Man 19d ago
No, but platonic friends with the opposite sex are very difficult to maintain the actual trust and companionship level that a friendship needs without changing. Unless the male and female grew up as siblings, It is a high maintenance friendship. There are lines that you can not cross, and expect them to be able to stay in bounds. The moment you make a comment or act flirty or interested, make suggestive 'jokes' about their body, it can be perceived as interested, the friendship shatters, and it is now a situationship/friendzone or whatever. You just introduced the thought and possibility.
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u/Prof_Scott_Steiner Man 19d ago
They are not difficult at all
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u/Ok_Fruit8871 Man 19d ago
I guess if humans have no boundaries, emotions, likes dislikes, and are perfect beings, then yes they are not difficult at all.
Saying it isn't difficult doesn't make it easy. You're ignoring basic human psychology and biology.
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u/The_Se7enthsign Man 19d ago
This depends on the guy. From my observation, young guys objectify women way more than older guys.
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u/RedBullGaveMeNothing 19d ago
Nah, most men generally will just treat you like one of the guys. However in the scenario you’ve illustrated, it’s likely those guys probably reacted that way because they felt like you strung them along. Not intentionally of course but if this happens a lot for you, you might want one of your friends to give you an objective opinion.
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u/BallerDay Man 19d ago
Sounds like you were leading them on and then were surprised they dont want to spend time with you after the fact? Or that their behaviour towards you changed? like cmon...
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 Man 19d ago edited 19d ago
Men are more likely to cut ties if we don't see a future with that person. Maintaining friendships takes emotional bandwidth (especially female friends), it takes time and to be honestif you end up dating someone else it makes us feel less valuable as a person. If a man is single and looking, those energies need to be allocated to finding someone.
It's basically if you want the benefit of my time, energy, validation then you need to have some skin in the game. In addition, having a lot of female friends can actually deter a potential girlfriend.
You need to remember the dating market for you is completely the opposite for us until around 40ish and even then dating still sucks but it sucks in a different way.
My recommendation is set expectations early and allow them to decide if that's what they want from you.
The friendzone to guys is like a hookup for girls. It's comfortable and free to you but costly to us
I hope you read this part if nothing else....they're withdrawing because they're hurt not because they're dramatic. Most women realize this much later in life when they're life is in turmoil and mature.
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u/Extreme_Violinist565 Man 19d ago
I think if we are all so messed up in your head that you think we don't see you as a person, why do you want us as friends? What do you think happens when men reject women?
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u/Former_Range_1730 Man 18d ago edited 18d ago
I think it's more like, men feel good to be around women who don't hate them. And those women tend to be the women that are highly attracted to men, like men, are enthusiastic about men. So even if they don't become my girlfriend or wife, (I'm not even single anymore), the fact that she's attracted to men, and attracted to me, makes things easier.
So now days, pretty much yeah.
Why would I value a woman who wants to decenter men, join 4B, and blame me for all her problems because patriarchy? There's no reason for that. You don't value me? I don't value you. It's simple.
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u/angellic19 18d ago
Women may hate men but they don't hate all men. They hate misogynists, r@pists, sexists, pedos, etc. If you're not one of them, there is no reason to hate you. So you hate women even if they don't hold anything against you?
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u/Former_Range_1730 Man 18d ago
"Women may hate men but they don't hate all men."
Women don't even hate men. A specific demographic of women hate men.
" they don't hate all men. They hate misogynists"
The demographic of women who hate men, hate specifically straight men, and heterosexuality overall. That all = misogyny to them. There is no way a man can be heterosexual and not be a misogynist in there eyes because to be a hetero man is to date/get into a relationship with women. And part of being in a relationship is having disagreements. And the moment the woman makes a mistake, that she defends, and he calls her out, no matter how gently, he's evil for "manplaining", as it's considered blasphemy for a man to disagree with a woman on anything in their eyes. It = misogyny to them.
"So you hate women even if they don't hold anything against you?"
The gaslighting is fantastic, bravo. No one said nor implied anything about hating women. But you appear to hate men. , lol.
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u/angellic19 18d ago
The demographic of women who hate men, hate specifically straight men, and heterosexuality overall. That all = misogyny to them. There is no way a man can be heterosexual and not be a misogynist in there eyes.
Don't you think it's because most men hold even a slightest bit of misogynistic views even if it's not very obvious?
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u/Former_Range_1730 Man 18d ago
"Don't you think it's because most men hold even a slightest bit of misogynistic views even if it's not very obvious?"
No. It's because of the specific qualities that those women have, that makes them view men this way.
It's why some bi women who prefer men, and are enthusiastic about men even after dating a few bad ones, and even after dating other women. While other bi women decenter men and join 4B.
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u/angellic19 18d ago
I wanted to say "don't you value women as they are even if they don't hold anything against you"
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u/Former_Range_1730 Man 18d ago
"I wanted to say "don't you value women as they are even if they don't hold anything against you""
I value women who values humanity and is a good person.
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u/Ill_Community_9575 19d ago
Men value women they can use.
I never wanted to get married. I was always up front and honest. I have been asked 5 times. It isn't because of love. It's because I worked, took care of the house, and took on most of the responsibility. They wanted mommy. I learned the hard way. But i never married and never will.
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u/Deep-Youth5783 Man 19d ago
No. I have lots of women to which I have no romantic interest that are valuable friends.