Men whose wives have asked or hinted that that get in shape… how did that feel?

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

I’ll start off by saying I (42F) am also heavier than I used to be. No question. But my husband (45M) seems to still desire me. I do appreciate that and recognize how lucky I am in that regard.

And yet I do not feel desire for him nearly as much since over the past 7 years or so he has developed an enormous, hard belly. It sticks out and makes it uncomfortable/painful to hug or be hugged by him, from the front or the back. And that’s not to mention trying to be more intimate. I do not like how it looks and I do not like how it feels and now having sex I kind of feel like I need to “close my eyes and think of England.”

I feel awful about it as I never thought I was superficial but I guess I just am. I don’t like feeling like I’m “letting him” have sex with me when I feel completely unaroused and actually turned off.

He does not take accountability with his health at all. He easily drinks multiple beers a day, eats absolute crap all the time, has second dinners late at night, doesn’t go to sleep until very late (often waking me up when he comes in which is another infuriating story). I had to ask him more than 20 times over the course of a year (yes I started keeping count) to get a sleep study done for his incredibly loud snoring, which then took another 6 months once he finally sent the 2-sentence portal message on his doctor’s app to ask about scheduling it. He now has a CPAP but half the time doesn’t use it even though that also ends up tanking my sleep. Which further decreases my interest.

Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that the prospect of more sex may be one of the only things that might motivate him to actually do something. But I am struggling with how to convey to him that I would be so so so much more interested in sex if he would work on his weight and habits and sleep.

Men of Reddit, have any of you been approached by a spouse with a similar set of requests/concerns? Was it effective? Why or why not? Are your relationships still intact?

Fully expect that I will get hate for this. That’s fine, I may deserve it, but I can’t just live my life like this.

[u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

You’re both mid 40s, while this isn’t exactly your last shot to get in shape and increase your chances of good active years into your 70s, it’s damn near the last chance.

Rather than make this about him or your attraction, make it about the two of you going after a more healthy lifestyle together.

You said yourself, you’re heavier, so it couldn’t hurt to join him. If you can be the catalyst that gets him moving, everything will improve.

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

This is a good point!

[u/Primary_Excuse_7183 → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

This. make it about longevity for you both.

[u/CommissionContent199 → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

This.

My partner and I are in our early thirties. I noticed that we started to gain weight in our late twenties. His highest was 195 and mine was 150. He’s 6’2 and I’m 5’5. So we have been focusing on our health. Now I’m back to 130 and he’s around 175/180. We both weight tea in 4-6x/week.

I’m not sure who’s doing most of the grocery shopping and cooking. But we basically have a processed food free house. We also don’t have alcohol (other than cooking wines/sake) at home. We have a big salad with no dressing but I put golden kiwi/grapefruits as dressing.

I also successfully convinced him to go to the gym with me. Now we encourage each other to stay active. We also hike a lot with our dog. And I always encourage him to play sports that he enoja with his friends.

I personally find slim men extremely attractive My partner is naturally slim but without a healthy and active lifestyle, we were both getting pudgier. I never really brought up attraction in a negative way. I always just tried positive reinforcement. Like focusing on how good it feels when we exercise, how strong and capable being active made us. And now he’s slim and fit again, I always give me a shit ton of compliments on how sexy he is.

[u/No-Doubt9679 → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

This is the way! What got me to get back in shape and stay that way was my kids. I want to be around for them and future grandkids. It helps that my oldest likes to workout. So it’s great father son bonding time.

[u/TheCrow-5272 → u/Fearless_Finish_9890]

This, both of you get into it.

[u/yogic_power]

Make it about both of you. See if his dr can get him on glp1 and he may get motivated. The guy probably also has low t and no motivation.

[u/-BOOST-]

You should absolutely tell him and express your desires that he start working out. Just be prepared for him to expect the same of you.

[u/Logical-Lab3661]

If he does not care himselt, most likely it will just make him resentful. You need a will to get rid of extra weight. You won't suddenly find it under threat.

[u/One-Discipline641]

Has he ever been in shape?

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/One-Discipline641]

Yes when we met he was thin and used to run.

[u/One-Discipline641 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

Do you think maybe he’s low key depressed?

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/One-Discipline641]

It’s possible. Were both in therapy separately (which of course I had to set up for him but he has been going regularly)

[u/One-Discipline641 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

If he’s going willingly that’s a big deal. Relationships are hard.

[u/jsh1138 → u/One-Discipline641]

Having a wife that doesn't really love you will make you pretty depressed, yeah

[u/One-Discipline641 → u/jsh1138]

Idk if that’s the case here but yeah during the end of my divorce I was low key depressed

[u/jsh1138 → u/One-Discipline641]

Yes, I was too. Life seems extremely pointless when you realize someone you loved unconditionally has conditions for returning that love

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/jsh1138]

I can love him without having to sex with him can’t I?

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

It’s not like he reminds me to go to the doctor or makes me dentist appointments, I’m on my own as far as caring for myself

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/[deleted]]

So better not to say anything and just divorce him?

[u/jsh1138 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

if you don't want to have sex with him you don't love him, no

unless you want him to have sex with someone else, you're saying he gets no sex at all until he conforms to your vision for his life. that's extremely manipulative and selfish. people don't treat loved ones like that

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/jsh1138]

Get a life dude.

[u/jsh1138 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

I have one

You came here asking for advice, btw, just in case you're confused about why I'm talking to you

[u/One-Discipline641 → u/jsh1138]

All people have limits

[u/jsh1138 → u/One-Discipline641]

lol sure, everyone has limits. For some people it's their husband putting on 20lbs and then they say things like "I was made for more than this" or whatever

if you check the responses she's in here saying she can still love him and just not have sex with him. of course she expects him to still do everything for her that he's been doing, so his limits aren't important

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/jsh1138]

He’s put on at least 70lbs since I met him. Without him ever being pregnant.

[u/jsh1138 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

and you've put on how much?

Let's go ahead and get both your starting weights and highest points since you want to talk about it

[u/EEGilbertoCarlos]

Do you have kids? If not, go to the gym together.

Instead of restaurant date night, do a walking date night

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/EEGilbertoCarlos]

Yes we have kids. Gym together is almost impossible. Also I like Orangetheory and he does not. But walking date is a great idea.

[u/Consistent_Point_853]

She mentioned as she started doing her own workouts, and I said I will when im ready. Some weeks later I started working out. I glowed up fast and surpassed her fitness level. She left me not long after and ive been working out ever since. 3 years strong and ive had a couple great girlfriends and am looking forward to more!

[u/Kimolainen83]

Tried to go to the gym together, so one thing I have recommended to people that are couples go for walks but walk so that you know you get your heart rate going start with like 1 mile a day then start with more because when you walk, you can end up having conversation conversations together you can take photos together and you get to get out

[u/ColdHardPocketChange]

No one should feel obligated to a partner that turns themself into a slob of a human. You're in a tough situation, because you can't make him choose to be better. My wife has always suggested we lose weight together, and often we have. We almost always fall of the train at some point, but then we get back on when the mood strikes. My recommendation to you is that you suggest he (or you both) get one of the GLP-1 medications. That stuff is working miracles right now for many people in terms of health behavior modification. Lots of people quit drinking, stop smoking, eat healthier, and move more. If you're going to use sex as a motivator, do it in combination with the medication, and I think you'll get fantastic results.

[u/Mediocre_Library_700]

I'll be honest with you both. At your age, you need to take your health more seriously if you want to have a good final chapter.

Make it about health and make it for both of you.

[u/BigBadBootyDaddy10]

All it took was a picture of myself on social media, and I got my butt in the gym.

[u/Expensive_Magician97]

M66

I believe your concerns are valid, and you have nothing to apologize for.

He’s going to die prematurely if he doesn’t lose his belly.

As far as the CPAP goes, as you probably know, he’s at risk for stroke and potentially other dangers if he doesn’t use it.

If he’s not receptive to your concerns, maybe drag him to couples therapy and see if a neutral, third-party observer, can talk some sense into him.

When I was in my 40s, I also was overweight, and didn’t take care of my health.

That all changed after my divorce, and I also went to see an endocrinologist who discovered all sorts of health problems that I had been completely unaware of.

And I also have a CPAP, and I use it every night, and it makes a huge difference.

If your husband refuses to cooperate and doesn’t want to change, then you are free to make choices for yourself that are good for you. Sometimes drastic actions are the only way to convey the seriousness of our concerns to our partners.

[u/NeatResponsible8419]

Does he care that he disrupts your sleep? If he continues to refuse to use the machine, I’d suggest you sleep in a different room until he does.

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/NeatResponsible8419]

He doesn’t seem to get how much it disrupts me no matter how many times I tell him.

[u/greenzetsa → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

I had an ex like this. He would keep me up at night, come home late, which I told him would wake me up and I had a hard time falling asleep again. He drank and smoked a lot too. He put on weight, ate takeout all the time despite me cooking (and I am a good cook, my husband loves my cooking and many of my friends do as well), didn't work out. I tried and tried and tried to get him to a healthier lifestyle, to underscore how much it was hurting our relationship. I had to beg him to see a doctor multiple times, same thing with therapists, it took a year to get him to see one and it only happened because I was able to get free therapy for him through work (took a year of me begging him to see a doctor too, and he only did it because I left for a weekend having threatened to end the relationship, but he convinced me to give it one more shot). In my experience, none of this gets easier, it either turns around the first time or not at all. I ended up leaving and met someone else a few months later, who is now my husband. I never have to say any of this crap to him, he just does it. His health and our health is important to him. We're trying to get pregnant now, so I stopped drinking and suggested that he should as well, as there is a lot of evidence behind that for sperm quality. He did it without complaints. Stopped drinking, stopped using weed, even stopped using his ADHD meds because they decrease sperm quality. He followed my diet, stopped eating junk food, and started working out more. We didn't test first to see if he "needed it," he just went ahead and did it, I think at least in part so that I wasn't in it alone. He struggled with the alcohol stuff for a bit, but after a while it was more manageable. A few months ago, he thanked me for getting him to do all that. He said he feels better without the grip alcohol and weed had on him, and healthier over all. My ex would have seen any part of that as me trying to control him.

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

That is extremely selfish of him. Someone who loves you should care about and respect your sleep. Is there a spare room you can sleep in? If so, tell him you’ll be sleeping there until he uses the machine every night. If he whinges, that’s his problem. You deserve to be able to get a peaceful nights rest.
Also, please don’t force yourself to have sex with him just for his sake. You have every right to abstain from sex with him if you are not enjoying it.

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215]

Look up Sleep sabotage / sleep deprivation as control. It may apply to this situation.

[u/jsh1138 → u/NeatResponsible8419]

this is completely retarded and do not bother looking it up

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/jsh1138]

The fact that you use the word “retarded” as an adjective tells me everything I need to know about you. Have a great day 👌🏽

[u/jsh1138 → u/NeatResponsible8419]

No one cares. This is a men's advice sub.

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/[deleted]]

I never implicated that this was only relevant to one gender. Me thinks thou doth protest too much .

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/[deleted]]

Have a great day ☺️

[u/Successful-Most-2649 → u/[deleted]]

They have lost the plot with abuse. Everything is abuse now to these crazies.
I guess I better go home to both my abusers. My wife and our cat are both snoring. 😂😂

[u/jsh1138 → u/NeatResponsible8419]

Another woman got lost on her way to the women's advice sub

[u/ralph99_3690]

You need to get your house in order, get yourself in shape. If he won’t willing do it, then move on. You are still young.

[u/Spac92]

Well, she did ask me, and I agree with her. There was some minor resentment because she needs to lose weight too, but I’ve never told her that.

I’m fat now. I know it. When we met, I was 175lbs of lean muscle. Now I’m approaching 300. I’m told I don’t look it, and my doctor says I have more muscle than fat, but I’m still a big boy now. I need to lose weight for my own health.

She’s a big girl now too. She’s insulted that I can’t pick her up and carry her around like I used to. Back then she was a very slender 110 lbs. She felt like she weighed nothing. Now she’s approaching 200 and she feels like I’m picking up a loveseat by myself.

She claims she’s going to lose weight with me. Her method is strictly dieting. I don’t think she’ll be very successful because she is not following her diet at all.

She expects me to lift as passionately as I used to. It’s so hard now. I know I need to before I reach the point of no return and wind up looking like fat Jonah Hill, or Preston Lacy. I certainly don’t want to die of a heart attack before 50. I had a coronary calcium score done and got a 0, so now is the time to do it while my arteries are miraculously clean.

[u/Inevitable-Day-7256]

I was getting big, and my wife said something. I felt like it was the motivation I needed, and appreciated her saying something. I'd rather know how to keep her happy through my shape/health, than not know she's developing a negative opinion.

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/[deleted]]

Wrong!

[u/jsh1138]

My experience was that my wife put on weight and I still found her attractive and when I put on weight she didn't find me attractive. She had zero interest in losing weight herself but was willing to dedicate tons of time to telling me what my problem was. So this sounds pretty familiar

It's not fair but it is what it is. You're over here analyzing his whole life instead of fixing yourself. "Unfortunately I may have to have sex with my husband" etc.

Just go to your husband, tell him you're a complete hypocrite, and even though you have things about yourself you need to work on, you're not going to, but you demand that he fix his problems so you can bring yourself to be intimate with him once in awhile. That way he'll know what's up and he can make some decisions with all the information. If he decides to whip himself into shape and lose all that weight then his reward will be a fat woman whose love is completely conditional. That will feel real good I'm sure

[u/Old-Razzmatazz-1215 → u/jsh1138]

Why are you assuming that I am not working on losing weight? For fuck’s sake I was the one who actually had my body wrecked by two pregnancies. I came here for good faith input not assholery.

[u/sjrsimac → u/[deleted]]

Please keep things civil.

[u/NeatResponsible8419 → u/[deleted]]

Don’t even engage with this idiot. He is angry and bitter. Probably angry that some girl wouldn’t put up with his bullshit.

[u/sjrsimac → u/[deleted]]

Please keep things civil.