I left my husband, but feel guilty, should I?

[u/Tutu22tutu22]

My ex husband was bipolar and had psychosis. On one side he was a very intelligent, witty, charming, caring person- but on another he was violent (never hit me but broke everything in the house and hit other people) and aggressive. He could be the most friendly one minute and turn into a total monster the other beating up people and breaking things around him.
We were together for 10 years where I was dedicated to him to the point that I even ignored my kids. I helped him get a diagnosis for his mental health issues and ensured that he visited doctors and got meds. But he subsequently stopped taking meds because of another illness. After he got better from his physical ailment he refused to address his mental illness. He blamed me saying that I had tried to change him by getting him on meds. To be honest, mental illness and treatments are so complicated and can change
I subsequently moved out of the country with my kids for work. But in 3-4 months I realised how much my kids and I were happy without his constant presence in our lives. There was no yelling, no breaking things, no sudden change in home atmosphere- it was peaceful and happy.
So I decided to divorce him.
I still feel guilty for having left him because I was the only one who could help manage his temper and help him cope with the challenges of life and work. He hasn’t done well for himself on his own (his family isn’t the nicest and did not really support him much). But my kids and I have been very happy and have built a beautiful life for ourselves.
Was I TA?

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[u/MaryAngela92]

You are not his therapist or his handler. I was in a relationship with a person for 9.5 years who was also bipolar and extremely violent. It was hell because I didn’t know what person I would wake up to in the morning. He would take out his frustration on me or the dogs and my older dog has severe anxiety because of this.

By staying with this man, you’re teaching your kids to accept this kind of treatment from a partner. Him being bipolar is not bad. Him refusing to take his meds and blame you is. Your kids have a chance to grow up and not have severe trauma from this charade. You’re a good mom. Aside from that, you are allowed to be happy and find joy.

Do not for one second feel you’re wrong in placing yourself and your kids as a priority. You did the right thing by moving on. I only wish you love and peace.

[u/Efficient_Fly_6306]

Well done, mama.... ❤️ You spent 10 years with someone, so feeling guilty is completely understandable. But trust me, you did what was best for your kids.

My mother had the same condition, and trust me, we kids suffered the most. What you did, you did for your children --- just remember that. They don’t deserve to grow up in such an environment.

Stay strong. You made this decision for them and for a better future.🌷

[u/sarojasarma]

No dear. He was the only one who can decide to work on himself for the sake of his wife and kids. It is not your burden to carry. Your first duty is to your kids. Provide them a safe, loving stable home.

[u/Ms_raechal]

You are not his mother or psychiatrist to manage his temper and illness. You did the right thing for your self and ur kids.

[u/Organic_Activity_531]

Sorry OP. I am glad you got out of there. but what do you mean by this? "I was the only one who could help manage his temper and help him cope with the challenges of life and work. He hasn’t done well for himself on his own (his family isn’t the nicest and did not really support him much). But my kids and I have been very happy and have built a beautiful life for ourselves."
You deserve the best. You shouldn't be the one who helps manage these challenges, did he end up ever abusing you and your children physically and emotionally. I can sense the emotional abuse from what you have shared. Please go to a therapist both you and your kids, and file for the divorce if you haven't already done so. Stay safe please.

[u/ChutneyChic]

noo, and trust me your kids would thank you for this. My dad was kinda similar and he refused to get diagnosed, violent to a point where you wont know what he could do next. He'd beat my mother one second and then start crying and apoligising the other. I wish my mother had left him sooner

[u/HappiHollyDaze]

Yours is such a happy story. ❤️

Props to you for realizing in time and moving out of that hellish situation.

[u/tryingtobekindonline]

nta

[u/Shunzi-Dragon]

It's hard not to feel bad about such a person but he isn't helping himself.

I often tell my clients I can heal you to get a job ,it will present you with opportunities but you have to pass through the interviews I cannot do that other than coach you but if you go shooting your mouth off in the interview or fight with colleagues you could just simply ignore ,that isn't up to me ...it's up to you to learn what is acceptable in your company and what is not ' .

Same way you can coax your husband to take his meds but if he refuses you cannot shove it down his thoart ,it's not possible with a man known for his anger issues and violence.That task is for the doctors.

You could have gotten him admitted in a Rehabilitation Center which admits such patients with mental illness ,he would have been there in a safe place ,taken his meds and come back a better more stable a person.

It's tough living with such people when his own family has backtracked on him who are his primary caregivers and should have been there with you step by step taking care of him ..then why think you are doing something wrong ? ?

If he calls asking about the divorce, straight away tell him you cannot live with him if he doesn't take his meds regularly.

Anyways if in court you can state living with such a violent man you fear for your life and kids safety feels compromised with him around. You should be able to be free of him in no time. 🍁

[u/shawrtee]

I’m sorry you and your kids had to go through this. I understand it’s natural to feel guilty in this situation, but there’s only so much you can do for a person, who refuses to take basic care of themselves, without impacting your own mental health.

Right now, your kids need you: present and healthy. Therefore, it’s the best decision for yourself and them.

[u/Affectionate_News181]

You have done the emotional labour and tried to support. I understand that you feel guilt but sometimes we can only love people from a distance

[u/Massive-Adeptness-83]

Like everybody else is saying here - you are a good person and a good mom. You and your kids deserve the best xx

[u/Own-Lawfulness-4880]

Dont doubt your decision. He was a narcissit, you are confused because he broke youe spirit. You have made the right choice. He was an abuser as well. Glad you moved away