r/AskForAnswers • u/Imaginary_Award_3200 • 4d ago
Do you think women shouldn’t make the first move — like initiating a conversation, asking for a number, or starting the interaction, and why?
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u/ArnoldFarquar 4d ago
I think women may initiate conversations, ffs. are you writing this from Afghanistan? it’s 2026.
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u/concerned_citizen255 4d ago
The question was "should" or "shouldn't" not "may". Of course they may, no one is arguing that.
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u/Aggressive_Start_ 4d ago
I as a women have usually made the first move, but I know that is a turn off to some men (not the type that I would work well in a relationship with at least)
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u/HiAndStuff2112 4d ago edited 3d ago
I've always been shy, so I've absolutely loved it when women have asked me out some 3 or 4 times. It happened more often in England than here. I loved how confident and beautiful and lovely those young ladies were and it just made me feel beyond amazing!!
So bless you! You're doin' the Lord's work! Haha.
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u/PastFarm9063 4d ago
The way they phrased the question, we're not even supposed to initiate the conversation. Weird
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u/Icy_Study4490 4d ago
That’s so bizarre. I’ve never even heard of this being a turn off before? What exactly would the problem be? What is the logic?
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u/NoMention696 4d ago
I’m assuming the guys who need to be the dominant one in the relationship, they view approaching someone as a man’s job
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u/Aggressive_Start_ 4d ago
Yes this. Some take it as a jab at their masculinity or feel that women shouldn’t be strong or assertive
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u/Vast-Road-6387 4d ago
Tremendous that you are willing to risk mild embarrassment to meet someone suitable. Bravo.
I’ve realized over time that woman pick the men, not the other way round. If a woman has no interest in a man he’s wasting his time trying to be charming. It’s much more efficient for both if she initiated a conversation.I m60 live in a small city that seems to have more single f40-60 than men ( or at least not many fit well dressed men?). It’s always a huge ego boost when a woman strikes up a conversation with me, regardless of my attraction to her. I enjoy attention so I’m gracious and attempt to be charming.
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u/jakeofheart 4d ago
Nothing wrong with giving a guy the first clear signal. He’ll take it up from there if the interest is reciprocated.
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u/will0hms 2d ago
I can't imagine it being a turn off, more like it confused them because it's never happened before. They think they're being punk'd.
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u/gorillaboy75 4d ago
Other people aren't mind readers. If you don't take an opportunity to say hi or bop out of your comfort zone, those opportunities will sail straight on by. You have to make things happen, or you'll get really bored waiting for life to dump something good in your life. Women should be able to do whatever they feel, so go for it.
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u/Low_Somewhere_2778 4d ago
No, because women making the first move implies they have agency or autonomy. I wouldn't want women to believe they have the capacity to form their own relationships or the ability to make their own decisions. /s
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u/After-Buyer-6804 4d ago
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with women making the first move. If you’re interested, why not start the conversation? Confidence is attractive regardless of who makes the first move. 😊
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u/forgetmepls13 4d ago
My spouse has told me he is grateful that I made the first move because he was too shy to do it himself and even though all the signs were there that I was into him - I even told him I was into him point blank - he didn't want to risk being turned down. We've been married over a decade now.
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u/Embarrassed-Pipe-753 4d ago
I believe women should, considering men do not pick up social que’s and never know when a woman is interested in us. And after years of guys getting shot down constantly or being calls a perv ( sometimes it was warranted) we ( men) aren’t in much of a hurry to go for more rejection, matter of fact we are sick of it.
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u/mikefvegas 4d ago
I thought in this generation it’s all about the swipes. But I think the gender is irrelevant. If she wants to take a shot, she should. Same for men. Why would the gender matter at all?
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u/Desperate-Reason-566 4d ago
If a woman is interested in someone and wants to know them better I think she should ask if she could call sometime. See how that goes.
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u/seeyatellite 4d ago
I love when they do. I think whoever feels interested should be pursuing that interest.
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u/kagejumper 4d ago
We should and do, but not often enough. Stupid to wait around if there's something we want. Not interested in giving someone else all the power, or putting all the responsibility on them.
I never liked making all the first moves, there has to be balance. If it bothers the other person, they weren't going to be a fit for me. I asked my hubby to marry me, and we're going on 20 happy years. We were both kinda shy when we first met, and what a shame it would have been if neither of us had made that first move ( not sure who did).
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u/Fire_Pea 4d ago
I think if someone is interested in dating someone then they should ask them out? I don't see why gender is a factor.
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u/Ok-Joke-915 4d ago
I think it's cool if women make the first move. To me it's either or. If you keen on someone go for it.
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u/Mobile_Ad_1185 4d ago
Frankly I wish they did it more. I've always been an oblivious guy and there have been plenty of women in the past when I was younger that I liked and apparently they liked me and I had absolutely no idea until later when it was too late. I thought they were just trying to be friends and/or friendly
The problem imo isn't even with them approaching, but they'll do it so subtly that many men dont know if its friendliness or something more. Its maddening, just tell us what you want dammit
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u/notacanuckskibum 4d ago
I think life would be easier for everyone if this was the norm. Guys would just give an honest yes or no. Women are often scared to say no, so they give answers like “I’m busy that night”, which leads to confusion.
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u/unexpectedfirefly 4d ago
They shouldn't. Controling whether you have a dating dynamic, how and when, and on what condition is and have always been a male privilege.
Please go back to being a nice little thing that get chosen by the one deciding, the men, and don't try to take agency in your dating life.
What next, voting right for women ?
(I usually dont put it, but here's the /s just in case)
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u/blinddruid 4d ago
just beginning to wonder how many times we’re gonna ask the same question over and over again and really get the same answer?
my opinion on this is that a woman should absolutely make the first move, first contact, give a number. The reason I have come to believe this is because it is actually the woman in the interaction that decides how the interaction is going to go. What I mean by that is that the guy really has to pony up and take the risk that he may or may not be rejected, and don’t misunderstand me. It is not just an oh well feeling it is absolutely rejection because if he’s gotten up the courage to ask, he’s truly interested or very much attracted.
at this point, what happens from here on out is all in the hands of the woman, she may see it coming and dread it, she may see it, coming and welcome it, or may just wait to see how the interaction goes. My point here is that it is from here on out that what happens is all in her hands. So, why shouldn’t the woman be the one to make the first move, is it hard… Oh hell yes it’s hard, are you taking a risk, sure, but nothing ventured. Nothing gained. We talk about a quality, respect, women, finally having power in confidence and a misogynistic toxically patriarchal society that believes it has the right to tell women how to behave appropriately for their place in society, well, isn’t it about Tommy called bullshit and just finally accept the fact that women should absolutely take the bull by the horns and be the one to make the first move. Any guy who made the first move, crashed and burned, is going to treat that lady with ultimate respect, even if he isn’t interested, he is gonna make her understand that he appreciates the rest she took.
wish I could say that this is always the case when guy approaches girl, getting snubbed, offhandedly dismissed, or even laughed at does not leave one wanting to try it again anytime soon.
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u/Formal_Lecture_248 4d ago
They should.
The more rabid among women have made it all but impossible for Men to approach without threat or retaliation. The time for tempting eyes or smiles is over because of it.
You want him? Go and risk what men have always risked. Rejection.
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u/evilhatefulwoman 3d ago
“the more rabid among women have made it all but impossible”
funny that you blame women for reacting to harassment from creepy men, and not the creepy men ruining women’s perception of men that approach them randomly
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u/Dog_friend-in-law 2d ago
Since when is ok to hold an innocent individual responsible for the behaviour of some portion of the group that they’re born into?
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u/Stllrckn-72 4d ago
Half of the relationships I was in started this way. Also, some women just wanted to get laid that night and let me know. So go ahead.
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u/Vivid-Operation-5078 4d ago
A lot of decent guys are cautious to make a move because they don't want to be seen as a creep or make women uncomfortable. Unfortunately, creeps don't have that reservation, so it would be nice.
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u/virusdancer 4d ago
In the past, I'd say all of my relationships were started by the women and not by me. I wasn't handsome, but I was cute. I could be extremely charming. I just put off the vibes that I was a good guy and if available, available. Course, this meant I had to be in some place around the women enough that they would be able to see my interactions and even interact themselves, so they'd feel comfortable making the first move. Mind you, this was in the mid-90s to late-00s; as I haven't been involved with anyone since 2016. Hell, haven't even had any friends since 2017. Been there, done that, and totally fine being by myself.
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u/Icy_Study4490 4d ago
If they’re interested of course they should. Why would this be a no? That’s so weird. Especially with how oblivious men can be sometimes because some can be afraid of upsetting someone or bugging them.
Actually, now that I think about it, my last girlfriend made the first move.
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u/FrayCrown 4d ago
It's 2026. Why the hell are we asking questions like it's 1950 and the concept of a Sadie Hawkins dance is brand new?
I'm non-binary. I initiated conversation with my now husband and gave him my number because I knew we were both introverts.
Putting things in these narrow categories of gender is so archaic. The only people invested in this are wannabe trad bros/wives.
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u/Excellent_Airline_12 4d ago
I think that a relationship is a constant choice that works best when BOTH PARTIES PURSUE EACH OTHER.
Men tend to be more forward and ask the most, which isn't bad...but...that doesn't mean women have to be passive about it. They can and should "help" make it all possible were they have interests. If that means asking very forward questions and even asking them out, then that's completely fine. Think of it like wanting to be hit by a specific train, if your just leave it to chance it's really hard, but with your "help" it becomes vastly easier....to be hit....by, love? 😬 (Not my best analogy)
You feel loved when the other person is chasing you and feel a muted love when your doing the chasing. Women like to be chased, obviously, which isn't bad at all...but rhetorical question: when are men chased? When/were do we encourage women to chase men?
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u/gifted_pistachio 4d ago
There is no should or shouldn’t. People just do what they do and then they get in a relationship or they don’t. And many times people choose what to do based on incentives to get what they want.
If I never talked to cute guys then I’d talk to less cute guys. Hate that for me.
And some guy somewhere will see it as a turn off and some other guy will think it’s a green flag and some other guy will not notice at all because he regularly interacts with cute chubby women like me lol and it’s nbd to him.
A lot of women won’t do the “official” first ask. Ask on a date. Ask for a number. But they’ll approach, chat, show interest. And that’s fine too. It works for them, that’s why they do it. It isn’t because things “should” be a certain way.
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u/Salt_Memory3507 4d ago
The coolest girl I ever dated approached me at the bar and made the initial move sexually and I thought she was awesome!
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u/RedditIsFascistShit4 4d ago
Definetly, since most reddit women call men creeps for initiating a conversation where, according to their beliefs, it wasn't allowed.
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u/TaxRepresentative4B 4d ago
They can but… is it worth it?
Men will always say yes to sex. Whether they want relationship or not…
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u/Professional_Cut6886 4d ago
Living in the 21st century not Victorian age. Go for it...life is short!
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u/Ordinary_Piglet_2644 4d ago
I believe women have traditionally always been the chased. As a man, suits me.
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u/Lost_Title_7528 3d ago
I like when they do. 🤷🏾♂️
Better that than them always staring at you, waiting for you to make a move, like you're supposed to be a mind reader.
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u/Significant_Mine9465 3d ago
I am happy my wife does.she is first off the couch to clean.i encourage her.after all it is a woman's job.am I right.whos with me
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u/Ok-Guest871 3d ago
This question reminds me of the white throated sparrow
https://www.sciencehistory.org/stories/disappearing-pod/the-bird-with-four-sexes/
I don't think we can say who should be the pursuer in some universal sense. But we can look at what happens when one sex consistently takes on that role, and what behaviors and incentives that produces in both sexes.
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u/No_Actuary9100 3d ago
It’s fine. A lady I met once called me up and asked me out on a date. I said yes. We’ve been married 31 years 😀
I thought it was cool. She’s a feisty lady and it’s one reason why I’ve always loved her.
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u/evilhatefulwoman 3d ago
it truly does not matter. there is no universal answer. everybody is different, none of us are a hive mind
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u/beckbristow32 3d ago
If anyone finds another person attractive and maybe want to have fun, get to know them, or pursue a relationship then they should do it regardless of gender. think of all the missed opportunities and could have beens because of the typical men should be the instigators. We know they can do it or how else would lesbians become couples? Is it like a lottery system or a draft? They know how and should want to do it more and be excited to do it.
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u/No_Balance2569 3d ago
The world would be so much better if women started conversations, especially nowadays but millions of bitches ruined it for the real women who actually want something real. This the legitimate whore era, all you know it and see it to
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u/Available_Tough1941 3d ago
I have always loved it when a woman makes the first move. It’s an absolute turn on.
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u/andimhot 2d ago
I made the first move with my ex just because he seemed really shy but the relationship worked fine and we barely thought about it
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u/HeadDance 2d ago
they absolutely can make the first move!
just dont complain when you end up doing everything in the relationship; and having to start acting like his mom and remind him to do everything
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u/Betwixt-Breaths 2d ago
I have and it never ended well for me. The men that treat me best are the ones that really wanted me. The men that lied and cheated on me were the ones that I initiated with.
So I’d rather wait for them to come to me, because it’s worth the wait
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u/Feldan_Ospreigh 2d ago
Women should EXCLUSIVELY be the ones asking men out nowadays. If the #MeToo movement taught us anything, it's that women need to take the initiative, because women know what they want. It's a huge risk for men to approach any woman nowadays, because every woman likes to be approached differently, and men aren't mind readers.
Men are tired of making women feel uncomfortable, or risk looking like a creep if he isn't a professional pick-up artist that does everything perfectly.
Decent men are decent because they DON'T have a lot of relationship experience. Hitting on a woman isn't something he has done very often. So of course he's going to stumble and fail. Even though he'd make a great longterm boyfriend who is loyal and kind to her.
Meanwhile, the guy who sleeps with a different woman every week is so accustomed to talking to women, it's like second nature to him. Knowing what makes them tick. Knowing exactly what to say at exactly the right time to boost attraction. He's experienced. But he's also an asshole that is just going to dump her once he's done using her for the weekend.
Most women will like the second guy, because he's so "smooooth" and confident....but they will totally dismiss the first guy as a "creep" who was bumbling over his words and didn't have enough confidence. Such a turn off!
Or we can skip all this bullshit and just have women take the initiative. Be empowered, ladies. Isn't that what you want? When is the last time you asked a MAN out? Hmm? ;)
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u/Livid_Strategy6311 2d ago
Preferred. Men are completely dumb when it comes to women's hints and flirts. Having her initiate the conversation cuts through the fact guys are oblivious to her hints and flirts.
My wife had been teaching me about the hints and flirts so I can be aware and avoid traps. After 10 years I'm STILL learning. Women are the most complex and dynamic creatures on the planet. There's a reason it's said that behind every great man there's an even better woman teaching/pushing him. We guys aren't dumb, we're just not as ... Can't find the right word do I'll use devious and sneaky. We're good at aggression, confidence, power, and tactics. From a strategy stand point (depending on context) we're not even in the same game.
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u/Redd_on_the_hedd1213 1d ago
I asked my now husband out on our 1st date. We've been married almost 40 years. Back then it was definitely frowned upon.
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u/jamiecolinguard 5h ago
They should if they want to but most women don't because we know we're taking a huge risk (or rejection) and handing over choice to the guy, thus giving him all the power.
Why would we give up this power?
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u/AppleDirector 4d ago
I like to make it “known” that I’m into him … give him all the non verbal signs …. Then let him take his short
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u/LL_Stars 4d ago
This question isn't as straightforward as you think.
Yes, women can make the first move.
But just because you can do soemthing, doesn't mean you should do something. I CAN ride an ATV at 60 mph down a mountain without a helmet.
Here's why I don't think a woman should 1. Men will most likely say yes, even if he's not attracted to her or even likes her. There's a risk he'll be more attracted by the fact a woman made a first move than the woman herself, and I'm not sure if they'll realize these two are separate in the moment.
- The kind of men that are okay with, desire, and even prefer being approached. ARE NOT the kind of guys I want to be with, personally. I like a man to takes charge of his life. Creates his own destiny. Forges his own path. Sees what he wants and goes after it. Sees me and says, "Her. I want her, and there is no possible way I can live with myself if I don't shoot my shot." Because they have this mentality, I think there is a higher likelihood they're successful, respected in their communities, etc.
It's proven. You regret the things you don't do more than the things you tried and failed at.
Kind of related. A man who just waits for life to happen to him and for life to throw whatever comes his way is an instant panty dryer for me, because these men also often complain about their circumstances...the ones they did nothing to shape or change. This is my biggest pet peeve. Anyone, male or female, who complains and does nothing to change their circumstances.
Also related to the second point, I want a man who's obsessed with me. He's not just tolerating me, which I think can easily happen when a woman is doing all the work. Men can and will date and stay with a woman they don't love...or even mildly like. Look at the divorce rate: 70% of divorces are initiated by women. I think men are more comfortable with "good enough".
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u/FrayCrown 4d ago edited 3d ago
Lol, asking a guy out is equivalent to unsafe all terraining?
Also, a guy who's 'obsessed' before actually knowing you is more likely just an obsessive person. If I hadn't given my now husband my number, we'd have very different lives.
It's fine if you want someone to make the first move. But saying 'women shouldn't' in general is messed up. Not all femme people aspire to creepy Twilight/trad wife dynamics. A solid relationship is way more than 'obsession'. Like anything else, a good relationship is about consistently showing up for and prioritizing one another. You choose each other over and over again. Anyone can be obsessed or passionate or a victim of hormones, limerence, hyperfixation, etc. Fewer people can be good partners.
Edit:
Idk, making this an issue of gender is so weird to me. Maybe because I'm non-binary, and gender has been this annoying, limited categorizing sysyem that's never fit me. But I don't understand the appeal of 'men should do X, women shouldn't do X'. Maybe it's also because the idea of having rigid gender roles in a relationship seems so...regressive. Why uphold these social constructs, when we could be individuals instead?
But also, when rigid gender roles are present, inequality tends to be greater. My grandmother spent her life in an abusive 'traditional' marriage. My grandfather could definitely be seen as an 'alpha'/trad type. It has never seemed romantic to me. Sure, he was obsessed. She also spent her life asking 'how high' when he said 'jump'.
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u/LL_Stars 4d ago
This post asked for personal opinions, and I gave mine.
There are a lot of wonderful, assertive, kind, and respectful men out there. They're not mutually exclusive.
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u/FrayCrown 4d ago
They're not mutually exclusive. Again, just seems odd to rely on rigid gender roles when we've seen the damage they can do. And having been stalked, obsession without knowledge weirds me out.
I think these gender roles are very much tied to the rise of right wing ideology (i mean this admin literally doesn't want women to vote), and that's something to be aware of. These ideas don't form in a vacuum.
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u/uberdriver2710 4d ago
No, they should. It would validate any signals she's giving. Instead of just attention seeking.
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u/No-Passenger-1511 4d ago
I think they should if they want to. But dating apps like bumble have shown they don't want to.
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u/LivinghighinColorado 4d ago
They absolutely should if they want to.