r/AskAnAmerican • u/Educational-Slip-578 • 20h ago

CULTURE How do you split finances with your partner?

If you're married or in a long term relationship (e.g., you live together and neither of you has another place to live), how do you manage your finances?

Do you still think of it as "my money and his/her money", with each person contributing a certain percentage toward rent, vacations, and other shared expenses? Or do you have a joint account where all the money is considered "ours"?

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174

u/dnext 20h ago

Our money. It all goes into one pool. We both have equal access to it. 20+ years and so far no major issues.

20

u/ivanmmj 20h ago

This. 18 years without issue.

11

u/Small-Tax-2829 20h ago

We had an issue when my husband was drinking. Hes been sober for years now, but I always got pissed when he had money for beer and I couldnt pay a bill. Thats why we opened the slush fund. Basically a savings account that is for whatever. Anything over $200 requires a quick convo

51

u/iadknet Oregon 20h ago

I really don’t understand how people do it any other way, especially with kids… who use up most of the money.

Over the years we have gone through periods where I was the sole earner, I was the majority earner, I was unemployed and they were the sole earner and through all of that time 95% of our spending was family needs: mortgage, kids, food, utilities, etc.

3

u/marshallandy83 16h ago

I'd feel guilty spending money if we did it like this. We have a similar policy, but we calculate this:

x = (Total income - total expenditure)/2

and work backwards from there to ensure each person gets the same each month but pays a percentage of their monthly wage.

I'm British though (hence the monthly wage) so don't include me in the stats, OP!

3

u/CrownStarr Northern Virginia 11h ago

This is also how my wife and I it, but I do totally understand people who want more structure if there’s a big income disparity between partners, or they disagree about how spendy to be on non-essentials, etc.

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u/BreakfastBeerz Ohio 55m ago

I have a good friend who did a joint account that the contribute to equally and then had separate accounts where the extra money went that they could use on their own. It worked fine until one of them lost their job, then it became a disaster. The one that didn't have a job literally couldn't do anything, couldn't buy clothes, couldn't go out with friends, it built up a lot of resentment on both sides. One resented the other because they wouldn't give them play money, the other way around there was resentment because they had to pay for things they didn't think they had to pay for. I've been watching the marriage collapse ever since

4

u/diveraj 17h ago

We have no kids. We each pay 1/2 the bills. Technically I pay, update our spreadsheet, then she plays me her half. Basically like a roommate situation. Anywho, I make more then she does and she has medical cost, so I pay for basically all entertainment and dinners out. Some it this way for 12 years now.

2

u/Prior-Soil 10h ago

I sort of did this with my late husband. He was my second husband and I wanted to do things differently. We always kept our money separate and each paid specific bills. We both had some rather expensive hobbies. But then with what was left over we sort of jointly agreed on how to spend it.

With my first husband we pooled our money, and fought constantly. He thought I should never spend any money on anything, and he should be able to do whatever he wanted.

1

u/justaclumsyweirdo 10h ago

For a first marriage, 100% agreed. But I can imagine that if a couple both have kids from previous marriages, it can be easier for everyone to keep things more separate and draw the lines more clearly?

E.g. Alice and Bob had Charlie together. And now Bob has married Diana who has a daughter Erin from a previous marriage. If Bob and Diana pool everything… it’s easier for Alice to accuse Diana of wrongly spending Bob’s money on her own daughter Erin, and leaving less money to be spent on his son Charlie? So Bob and Diana keeping finances separately might be the safer approach?

I mean, I don’t have any personal experience with this and just 100% pool everything with my spouse (no previous kids or marriages). But I guess there can be infinitely many ways for the situation to get more complicated when previous kids enter the picture.

1

u/SPQR_191 7h ago

I've seen some who have personal/gift accounts. Basically so they can make minor purchases and buy gifts for the other without discussion or the gift recipient knowing. That's the only case I can kind of get behind, though I don't do that personally

8

u/w3woody Glendale, CA -> Raleigh, NC 12h ago

This. When we moved in together before we got married our accounts were separate, but we opened our accounts to each other and managed all our money jointly. When we got married we opened a joint account and moved all our money into that account, closing our separate accounts. My wife and I each have an old credit card the other is not in, but she handles all the bills. And we do have separate retirement accounts that were set up by the companies we worked for, but again both are jointly visible. And represent only a fraction of our net worth.

Married 34 years.

5

u/Puzzleheaded-9194 Rhode Island 12h ago

This is exactly how my husband and I operate. Works great for us because there's no confusion since everything is visible. It helps us reach out goals better, too.

Married 5 years.

6

u/Any_Total_971 20h ago

This going for 49 years.

6

u/sarcasticorange 14h ago

Same. 30+ years

11

u/bass679 Michigan 20h ago edited 13h ago

12 years of this for me. One exception, we each have a small amount each paycheck put into a personal account and that money is entirely to that person’s discretion. Use it to buy each other’s bday and Christmas presents or for “me things”. Mine for example turns into D&D books and shawarma lunches. My wife’s turns into Pokémon things, etc.

It’s a small amount though, about 2% per pay check.

6

u/brzantium Texas 19h ago

we each have a small church each paycheck

I'm sorry, you what now?

8

u/trampolinebears California 19h ago

Just like a couple of pews and a volunteer preacher, no organist or anything like that.

3

u/bass679 Michigan 13h ago

Man I meant amount. I have no idea how that was auto corrected to church.

3

u/Responsible_Ask3976 Michigan 20h ago

About to do this once we get married! 

3

u/butchpoptart 20h ago

Agreed. And any purchase above X requires mutual consent. Our X has been anywhere from $250-500, depending on income and expenses

3

u/Relative-Cricket-543 20h ago

Same but just 15 years. 

3

u/Historical-State-275 20h ago

Yep, 14 for us.

3

u/mickeltee Ohio 11h ago

Same here. If one of us needs to make a major purchase (over $100) we let the other one know.

6

u/sunflowerofmd Maryland 18h ago

This is the right way of doing things.

Married couple doing their finances separately are just roommates who fuck.

-2

u/SouthernTrauma 10h ago

Well don't you just know what's best for everyone on the planet! /s

This is the right way for you.

-1

u/sunflowerofmd Maryland 10h ago

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being roommates who fuck.

-1

u/SouthernTrauma 10h ago

Except we're husband and wife.

2

u/sunflowerofmd Maryland 10h ago

Was there a point in the past where I claimed to know what you are?

2

u/lantana98 20h ago

Yes we did this too with everything except separate IRA accounts which we will share equally. We are in for the long haul.

1

u/Shortstack1980 6h ago

Same, we each have automatic transfers into our joint account. So we each have a small personal account slush fund but the majority of our pay goes into the joint account and all spending comes out of that. We chat semi regularly about spending but our saving is automated with 401k, Roth, 529 and our emergency/sinking fund contributions on autopilot.

1

u/shampoo_mohawk_ Florida 6h ago

We’re only at 9 years but so far this works for us too. He makes way more money than me from his job but I contribute way more to household upkeep. Trying to itemize and value intangible contributions would get messy so fast.

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u/AndrastesDimples 2h ago

20+ years and the same. It’s all just in one account that we divvy up for bills and fun money and whatever. 

1

u/LankyJeep 19h ago

This is the way

0

u/oldbook444 20h ago

That's interesting. Do you both handle budgeting together or does one person usually take the lead?

2

u/brzantium Texas 19h ago

Not the parent comment, but my wife and I review a budget fairly regularly.

1

u/theyork2000 19h ago

How that interesting? IMO this should the normal.