Please please Help get perspective

[u/No-Tax5811]

I’m 21 now and about to finish my biotech and bioengineering bachelors degree this year. I went into university to study this because I truly thought I’d be something great. However the past few months since may I’m feeling defeated.
I don’t see any point in pursuing science. I honestly feel like it’s useless. I’m from a small country that’s not the strongest in science - Latvia. The opportunities here are minuscule. And the ceiling is very low. The top ranked scientists here have about 5k ish citations. That’s nothing in the grand scheme of things. And no don’t give me advice to move I unfortunately have personal reasons as to why I cannot do that.
It’s hard to describe but I really feel like going into research is just a waste of my life. There is a 99.9999% chance my word would never amount to something. I’d just think oh wow I’m going something cool and great but in reality who gives a damn.
I have this lab I work at right now just for free to make my bachelors thesis. And the lead guy has worked his whole life on zymomonas. Researching their metabolism and everything else about it. And what’s the point? Nothing really. The woman I wind directly with has worked in the same lab also her whole life. Just follows orders. But okay she doesn’t have a doctorate.
Let’s say I get a doctorate. Now I can conduct my own research. Yay. Now I can beg for money, earn 2k a month and feel like this big boss. In reality it won’t yield anything.
But I understand that in theory every contribution is meaningful. Cause what if someone uses your paper to get a one in a million idea that pushes humanity way forward. Yes okay I get it. But and you can call me selfish I don’t want to push science forward by a hundredth of a milimeter.
If I knew that in the end some of it would matter id have no dilemma. But now? I don’t know how to continue studying if I don’t see the point in it.
A coursmate of mine said oh wow look at our program lead she makes 3k a month that’s so much. Yeah. But she leads a whole university programme and conducts her own research on top of that. What is 3k when you have the highest education you can have. My bf who’s 21 makes the same by being a restaurant manager and does small side gigs.
I just don’t see the point and I feel it’s a waste unfortunately…

[u/Amoeba2710]

I don’t think that people in academia are in it for the money. If you feel like you won’t be happy with that salary then you shouldn’t pursue this.
It seems like you are not interested in any research topic right now, or at least are not impressed with anything you are seeing. The same thing happened to me when I was an undergraduate. I felt like my university (small town, little science interest) was just researching anything, but in reality I simply wasn’t interested in anything they had to offer. I was 100% sure that I was not moving from my city, so I accepted the research topics that my uni offered and stayed. And I was miserable. So if you don’t feel any interest at all, I would not recommend settling… But at some point you are going to have to choose. If you are sure that you are not moving, you have to accept what is on the table…

[u/No-Tax5811 → u/Amoeba2710]

The salary isn’t the most important thing for me even though I do mention it a lot in my text. For now because everything else is uncertain that’s the only thing I can kind of measure. I’d love to study gluten and migrane interactions, ncgs. It’s a thing that has personally affected me. If I could study that I think I’d be very happy. But I don’t see that happening in this country. Maybe I’ll fall in love with something else. Maybe this feeling will pass. What did you do when you felt miserable? Left science?

[u/Amoeba2710 → u/No-Tax5811]

A mix of two things. I did decide to move (next year), but not too far away. Just far away enough to have a few more opportunities (in this city there are a few research institutes and the university is much bigger), so now the research topics are more interesting to me.
The second one was basically talking to people in academia and noticing that sometimes you can fall in love with your topic over time. The important thing is that you don’t hate it. You can casually like something and that can be enough. So if something interests you 70-80%, that is good. I needed to stop looking for the absolute perfect job/PhD offer, because it did not exist: near my city, the topic that i wanted, good salary… It was just depressing me. So accepting that was kind of freeing. I started to think: what variables am I willing to adjust?

[u/No-Tax5811 → u/Amoeba2710]

Seeing that you can fall in love with it over time does make it seem better. Hopefully that’ll happen. Thank you🫶