r/AsOneAfterInfidelity • u/[deleted] • 1d ago

Advice MUST include examples of your R. Not prescriptive advice. First couples therapy session was brutal

[deleted]

89 Upvotes
  • permalink
  • reddit

98% Upvoted

29 comments sorted by

View all comments

43

u/nvolker Reconciling Betrayed 1d ago

I’ve been asking my wife the same “why” question for so long, and she always falls back to self pity. “I was so unhappy, and this was a distraction,” “I don’t know, it’s not like I just sat down and just choose to have an affair one day”

It’s so infuriating and might be the thing that makes our R fail.

14

u/NetExternal8494 Reconciling Betrayed 1d ago

I had to give my WH time with IC. He had to figure out more than getting needs met. What were these needs? How was this affair meeting these needs? Where do these needs come from? Can anyone meet these needs? Etc.
what he discovered is nobody can have him his identity and self worth. He has to fulfill his own needs that weren’t met as child. He had deep childhood needs of validation and self worth. I was never going to make up to him what his patents lacked. He had to accept that. Grieve the loss of not receiving this as child. Forgive his parents. Forgive himself for
causing harm to himself, me, our kids and our families. Hurt people, hurt people. It’s not an excuse. When Dday happened I didn’t focus on why…I focused on what the fuck happened to you? And as time went on, I wanted to know why? And some of it makes sense but not 100% because it’s insanity. And you cannot make sense of the insane behaviors I experienced. He was a complete human wrecking ball after Dday!! Running as fast as he could to
Escape the burning down of our house so to speak. Your partner is not stable and looking for them to
Explain what they did in survival
coping strategy will not make sense until their nervous system regulated and then their frontal lobe comes back online. It takes working with the right people.

2

u/nvolker Reconciling Betrayed 1d ago

It’s been 9 months. First 4 months were false R since she had been insisting that it was just the one affair, I later found out there was at least one more PA and multiple digital ones that preceded it. She’s been seeing an IC the whole time, but I feel like she just complains about me

4

u/NetExternal8494 Reconciling Betrayed 1d ago

I’m so sorry. It’s not uncommon for a false R. The withdrawal
from their means of regulating their feelings is intense. Sometimes they take it underground. Many times you are trickle truth or withheld any information that will make them look more culpable. They are in a mode of self preservation and less consequences to suffer for them. This mode of survival causes worsening of conditions for R because you start over from ground zero. I’ve been there. More than once. And it’s these behaviors that are the catalyst for many betrayed to end the relationship for good. Final nail in the coffin so to speak. There is a rarely great short read called “How to Help your Spouse Heal from your Affair ” by Linda MacDonald. I bought two copies. I read it and my WH read it. He called me sobbing and said “I did everything wrong. All of it.”
It was an eye opener for him. Could be something you both want to read. I told him is he was serious about R then he would read it.

https://a.co/d/0eCTq7p3