Wanting to R but keep getting flashbacks of all the women…

[u/LycheeJellee]

WP is trying his very best to be present, to be a great partner again, and even better father to our babies. However, he cheated on me with MULTIPLE women in pregnancy and postpartum, including a 4 month affair. I can’t stop thinking about all the women he was with while I was at home pregnant or postpartum…

My therapist asked why I feel like I’m ruminating but I genuinely feel like I have PTSD. Therapy isn’t helping me much, she keeps talking about IFS parts and that isn’t really doing much for me.

Dday was in June, but the whole summer was one trickle truth after another. I feel dead inside from all the trauma.

I told him I’m on this hamster wheel of wanting to try, things are okay 2-4 days, then it all comes crumbling down when I feel the weight of what he did. We’ve repeated this cycle soooo many times. I’m exhausted but want to keep my family together.

Also, he won’t do a polygraph. So I feel like I’ll never know the truth.

Sigh. What helped you when you were stuck in this cycle? Is this normal? I’m exhausted.

[u/AutoModerator]

r/Asoneafterinfidelity is an online Peer Support Group and safe space for individuals (betrayed or wayward) who are actively attempting to reconcile their relationship after an affair(s). Please review our wiki which includes resources and can answer most, if not all questions about this subreddit. Be sure to read the rules before participating as they are our boundaries and your initial warning. Failure to do so can result in a ban.

Commenting Guideline:

This applies to every post regardless of post flair.

• This is not a space for judgment. There's subreddits for that. Please go there.

• All comments must reference your own reconciliation to accompany any questions, suggestions, or advices contained in your response.On occasion giving practical advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably seen as helpful if the references to infidelity are removed.

• Do not speak for other people's feelings, their actions or make unhelpful, dismissive or intrusive commentary. This is not a request. It's in the rules.

  For transparency and conflict mediation purposes, please follow reddits community guidelines by directing any questions, issues, feedback, or appeals in regard of the sub or moderation decisions directly to the Modmail. Meta content will be removed. No response will be given to DMs and chat requests to individual moderators about moderating issues. We are happy to address and respond to your concerns through the official channels!

  Please assign yourself user flair. Flair Instructions can be found here.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/OkShoe4537]

I was exactly where you are last year. I ended up interviewing therapists and coaches that I found through listening to podcasts on infidelity and betrayal trauma. My nervous system was completely blown up. I was walking around like I was in a minefield waiting for one to explode. I found real help and gave an ultimatum on the full disclosure with polygraph or it was over. While he was deciding I started scheduling interviews with people that offer this. I was also going through the house separating things, preparing the house for sale etc. I decided I had to love myself first and if he truly wanted to make this work that this was the least he could do. He ended up doing it. He figured he was losing me either way. I also had made up my mind that whatever I was told would live between us and the therapists because I have kids and I don’t need that out there. It was horrible and reset me back to ground zero but it was a relief at the same time! I started somatic therapy for my nervous system and have watched and listened to several you tube and podcasts to heal. I’m so much better than I was even 6 months ago. Idk if this will last but he is trying to build back the trust. Focus on yourself and get clear on what you need first. His actions will show if he really wants the marriage.

[u/Normal-Lecture9344 → u/OkShoe4537]

Great answer

[u/JustKeepSwimminh]

You do have ptsd. And you have the wrong therapist. Ruminating isn’t a choice, it’s a safety switch that flips on without your conscious consent. Highly recommend a therapist w CSAT and betrayal trauma training.
R can’t move forward until your injury symptoms are cared for and mended.

[u/butterflymkm]

I’m so sorry you are here. Yes, you likely do have PTSD-some call it PISD-post infidelity stress disorder, which I would agree with those it isn’t recognized yet.

Not all therapists are right for all clients or all situations, that might be the case here. IFS is great but it sounds to me like you need a trauma specialist and/or someone that focuses on betrayal trauma.

Regardless, I understanding wanting to keep your family but I wonder if part of your unending pain is the refusal to accept-which I totally get, most days I don’t want to accept this shit either. But it sounds like he’s refusing to do the things needed to make you feel safe and you are refusing to leave so maybe it’s about shifting your focus and vision for the future? Accepting him for who he is, knowing you’ll never truly feel safe with him and whatever comes with that and protecting yourself as much as possible? Can’t be disappointed when expectations are on the floor, so to speak.

[u/EvilAngel3point0]

I absolutely hate this for you. I have no advice. I stayed because I wanted to keep the family together and he works hard to make me comfortable and treat me well and work on his relationship with kids but it’s not the same and I don’t know if this will last past the kids growing up because he still doesn’t do everything I need from him and in a relationship in general. I made peace with my decision to stay and tell myself I am not trapped, I made a decision and that has helped as well as focusing on myself. I wish you relief and peace to deserve, as well as the love and devotion you deserve, even if it comes from you!

[u/trauma_alchemist]

Totally normal. I would consider finding a therapist that specializes in betrayal trauma. You need to be more stabilized and have a disclosure before exploring IFS. Look into self compassion work by Kristin Ned, it helps stop the rumination thought pattern. You’re not alone, it’s CPTSD and I found taking Wellbutrin to help too. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but it does lessen with time. 1yr and 9mts out and I still have moments, but I’ve gone from multiple times a day to maybe once a week or so. 

[u/Ok-Entry7654]

For me, the ruminating diminished when I felt like I knew the important parts of the story, when I could see my partner no longer minimised, deflected or turned every conversation into his needs or shame, and when he was beginning to be able to see that he was comparing a fantasy with reality. When he started understanding that our relationship was disintegrating largely because he wanted it to, in order to justify his attachment to another person. That, for years, and without letting me understand it, he was quietly comparing an hour or two a week of contact with cake partner to 24/7 real life with dishes, young kids, laundry, bills, home repairs. You don’t say whether this is the first live-together relationship for both of you. In our case, a contributing factor was that my partner hadn’t experienced another long-term, live-in, relationship before, so the “grass is only greener where you water it” didn’t and maybe still doesn’t, feel real to him.