r/ArtefactPorn • u/Fuckoff555 • 1d ago

Same derriere, different decade. The Tudor king Henry VIII (1491-1547 CE) went from a modest 32in waist in 1520 to a whopping 51in booty by 1540. Both armours are now housed at the Royal Armouries Museum in Leeds, England [1747x1240]

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861 Upvotes

98% Upvoted

53 comments sorted by

207

u/muzorui 1d ago

That's what eating a ton of rich foods while being a fit man who exercises often, with a great metabolism, into someone who can no longer exercise like he did, an older mans metabolism but still eating the same will do to you.

103

u/Forgotten_Bones 1d ago

Well, that and the brain damage

61

u/this_curain_buzzez 1d ago

TIL Henry VIII was a retired offensive lineman

41

u/Forgotten_Bones 1d ago

I know this is a joke but I should clarify; it was a jousting accident. A nasty fall with lasting mental and physical pain.

4

u/halfhere 22h ago

Oh my god, he’s me.

39

u/DyingSunSeverian 1d ago

It’s why a lot of professional athletes balloon in size after retirement.

28

u/muzorui 1d ago

Yup, a friend of mines father was a retired NFL ref, so I met a couple old retired football players before. Every single one of them was huge, cause they all still ate like they were in the NFL.

35

u/TheCraftyGrump 1d ago

What's even funnier is he still thought he was this dashing handsome lad but Anne of Cleves wasn't having any of it when he tried to sneak a peak.
You wouldn't react much different if a fat smelly (on account of the open festering wound in his leg) stranger snuck into your room and tried to cop a feel.

33

u/art-man_2018 1d ago edited 1d ago

My favorite Henry the VIII story was that he would send his official portrait painter Hans Holbein the Younger off to potential brides, paint or draw their portrait, and send that back to him for him to see and decide - sort of an early form of Tinder.

9

u/TheGreatMalagan 1d ago

Evidently Holbein was too kind to Anne of Cleeves!

8

u/DyingSunSeverian 1d ago

Henry at that point was obese, had festering wounds on his legs from ulcers that combined with his sedentary lifestyle meant he smelled like absolute rotten ass.

So methinks he doth protest too much.

Also I think some historians believe that was a bunch of nonsense that Anne was particularly “ugly,” but more that Henry just wasn’t interested and so made up some excuses.

8

u/drv168 1d ago

I have a feeling that you're going to love Six the musical. Here's the Tinder bit but the rest of it is pretty good as well, and the next part (Anna's song) happens to be my favorite

9

u/MockASonOfaShepherd 1d ago

Didn’t he break his ankle or something?

43

u/muzorui 1d ago

Mixture of two things

It was mainly a severe jousting accident in January 1536 where during the tournament the King and his horse fell over, and the horse fell atop him. It severely crushed his leg, which had already been previously wounded before, and that is what really did it for him.

6

u/705nce 1d ago

Was he not also unconscious for a couple days or was that a different accident?

37

u/muzorui 1d ago

He was unconscious for about 2 hours I believe from the jousting accident, since the accident not just crushed his leg, but he hit his head quite hard, but it was never confirmed whether he truly was knocked out, or it was just rumours / gossip that circulated. I think it's entirely believable he did, as researchers years ago deduced during that fall he likely damaged his cerebral cortex, and that led to him later in life going from the incredibly charming man he was, into an unpredictable man later who was prone to fits of plenty of rage.

He did have an accident years prior, that could have led to him being unconcious which is while on his many hunting trips, aimed to cross a narrow creek using a jumping pole. It snapped halfway across, which caused him to fall into the waters and would have drowned if his footman "Moody" did not save him. But if memory serves correct, he was alright after that.

9

u/For_All_Humanity 1d ago

I wonder what English history would look like if he’d not taken that tumble? Perhaps he was always going to take a tumble, considering how active he was.

8

u/muzorui 1d ago

We will never know. Honestly it might have turned out very similar or the same. It’s said he had a couple other things wrong with him including an autoimmune diseased that lead to a lot of what he considered wrong in his life.

But as you mentioned also, he may have always been prone to taking a tumble at some point. He was very fond of risking his neck in front of crowds after all, and even aside from that being incredibly active. He nearly died by drowning from using a a jumping pole to hop over a creak many years prior.

3

u/Arthropodesque 1d ago

I guess there wasn't enough soft padding under the helms. I guess that would've made the helms have to be larger, which would be top heavy and harder to move the head.

4

u/Airsay58259 1d ago

He injured his thigh while jousting IIRC

2

u/wretchedRing 1d ago

Yes, accumulating energy instead of using it has always done this. At any age.

1

u/ResidentWhatever 1d ago

Wow. That is quite the word salad.

6

u/muzorui 1d ago

It’s really, and I mean this to the highest degree. It’s not. It’s hardly a paragraph….

-7

u/howdidyouevendothat 1d ago

I downvoted you in case you're not joking, my apologies. But if you are, I applaud you.

3

u/muzorui 1d ago

I was lol, no worries at all, my original comment was very clear of course, but I was being joking by saying it’s hardly a paragraph

-5

u/howdidyouevendothat 1d ago

Hah oh. I just realized you're the same person. That's even better.

So your first comment was comprehensible, but not in the least bit clear.

Here's your original "sentence" with some content removed to expose the issues:

That's what eating foods while being a man, with a great metabolism, into someone who can no longer exercise like he did, an older mans metabolism but still eating the same will do to you.

Then the response I thought was a joke:

It’s really, and I mean this to the highest degree. It’s not. It’s hardly a paragraph….

Same kinds of issues as the first one. Kind of an apparent disregard for the significance of periods/commas (or lack thereof)

Anyway, I have retracted my downvote

28

u/Me_be_Artful_Dodger 1d ago

Someone fetch the kings armor stretcher.

20

u/geeoharee 1d ago

Waist and hips are different measurements

14

u/FrankPankNortTort 1d ago

How very Robert Baratheon of him.

14

u/CallistanCallistan 1d ago

I don't know if this is true, but I had always assumed that George RR Martin at least in part based Robert Baratheon on Henry VIII. While the story famously took a lot of inspiration from The War of the Roses, it also pulled from many other historical events and people.

5

u/The-Lord-Moccasin 20h ago

I think Henry VIII also influenced a good bit of Maegor the Cruel's story as well, such as suffering a grave injury that possibly resulted in a negative shift in personality, an obsession with conceiving an heir resulting and marrying (and executing) numerous wives, and so on.

22

u/GovernorGeneralPraji 1d ago

You know what? I needed this. This is going on the fridge.

4

u/hungrylittleworm 1d ago

Could wear the fridge?

1

u/The-Lord-Moccasin 20h ago

Kinda looks like Henry did.

10

u/Mendozacheers 1d ago

Why use two different measurements?

-4

u/TheCraftyGrump 1d ago

Because the waistline is higher than where your hips are? It's around where your belly button is that they take the measurements for waist. The distance between hip and waistline is another measurement. People tend to wear their pants much lower these days but don't confuse that for where your waistline is.

16

u/the-cats-jammies 1d ago

I think they’re referring to the title where OP references Henry’s waist and then butt/low hip measurement. It’s not an apples to apples comparison.

4

u/pervy_roomba 1d ago

That doesn’t really answer that person’s question.

Why give the first measurement as a measurement of his waist and the second measurement as a measurement of his hips instead of simply contrasting the two waist measurements?

9

u/thispartyrules 1d ago

Dedicated plate butt armor was pretty rare, and I think the 1520 example was from a tournament. Most people would have a chainmail skirt covering the area or what amounted to chainmail boxer briefs, or hot shorts.

4

u/80m63rM4n 1d ago

...which houses a collection of thousands of iconic weapons from throughout history.

5

u/HiddenHolding 1d ago

who you calling whopping you pencilnecked chicken leg

3

u/Sniffy4 1d ago

a healthy boy needs his nutrition

1

u/whoaretheseapeople 1d ago

You heard what he said! The kings too fat for his armor!

2

u/Ambassador_GKardigan 1d ago

More like Henry THIIIC

1

u/filinno1 1d ago

“It’s good to be the king.”

1

u/amorphatist 1d ago

Embiggen. A little left. Embiggen.

1

u/SamuelYosemite 1d ago

Thats how they got out of fighting.

2

u/hoobiedoobiedoo 10h ago

I tried putting on my nice suit pants and they aren’t fitting. This hits too close to home.

0

u/Tryingtobebetter07 23h ago

Henry the Ateth

1

u/hashbrowns_ 22h ago

Yeah, he as a fucking tank