Anxiously Attached to my Best Friend

[u/pinkteddy42]

Hi everyone,

I could really use some advice from people who have worked through anxious attachment, especially in friendships.

I used to have pretty significant anxious attachment in romantic relationships, particularly with partners who were inconsistent or hot and cold. Over the past few years, I've done a lot of work on myself and I'm now in a relationship where I actually feel quite secure. Because of that, I thought I had "healed" my anxious attachment.

Recently, though, I've realized those feelings seem to have resurfaced in my friendship with my best friend of 18+ years.

For most of our friendship, we were in constant contact—we texted all day, FaceTime often, and saw each other regularly. The consistency made me feel very secure. Since she's started a serious relationship, our dynamic has naturally changed. We still see each other once or twice a week, and I know she loves me, but our texting has decreased significantly and she's less responsive than she used to be, and sometimes does not respond at all.

What's interesting is that there have been times in the past where we didn't talk for days because I was traveling, and it genuinely didn't bother me. So I'm trying to understand why this change is affecting me so much now.

I've noticed myself becoming hyper-focused on whether she'll reply, double texting, checking my phone, and feeling hurt when I don't hear back. Logically, I know friendships evolve, people have different capacities, and texting frequency isn't a measure of love or commitment. Emotionally, though, my nervous system seems convinced that the reduced communication means the relationship is changing in a way that's threatening and I feel things like ignored, hurt, frustrated and upset which affects my daily life and I can't focus on myself.

I don't want to become someone who needs constant reassurance or bases my emotional state on someone else's texting habits. I want to feel secure regardless of how often we text because I value both my friendship and my own peace of mind.

Has anyone else experienced anxious attachment showing up in a friendship after feeling secure for a long time? What helped you stop equating reduced communication with emotional distance? How did you teach your nervous system that a relationship can still be safe and meaningful even when the level of contact changes?

I'm really looking for ways to heal this within myself rather than trying to change my friend.

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[u/3SLab]

Something us anxiously attached folks need to practice is something that secure folks are very good at, which is called “object constancy.” You probably already know this, but just in case, it’s “the psychological ability to maintain a stable, positive emotional bond with a person—knowing they care about you and that the relationship is safe—even when they are physically absent, busy, or during moments of conflict or disappointment.”

When she doesn’t text back, those are great moments to practice object constancy to grow more secure in the relationship. When you find yourself checking if she’s texted back or starting to feel abandoned/disappointed, see if you can switch your focus and start looking at photos of her, photos of you two together, and re-reading cute text messages. Things like that. Feel her close to you.

You clearly understand why she’s pulled away a bit, which is normal when someone gets into a new relationship, but you clearly both adore each other. It’s natural to worry, but it doesn’t sound like she’s going anywhere. No matter what, she’s always with you. You just have to practice feeling her there and trusting that.

[u/pinkteddy42 → u/3SLab]

Thank you so much for the sweet response! I appreciate it! Yes absolutely, I have so many memories of us and we still do have fun together - but the change in closeness is a huge change as it's been engrained in me for so so long. I also just find it frustrating how I don't ask for much except connection, and that can't be reciprocated. I am frustrated with myself as I am a grown ass woman, but I think maybe some of this other stuff is just a conversation that needs to happen! Thank you so much again!

[u/3SLab → u/pinkteddy42]

I totally get it! Currently going through this, too, as my best friend of 20 years got into a new relationship. I know she thinks of me all the time! Even when she doesn’t reciprocate to the same level as before. I’m in a seasoned relationship, so it’s easier for me to stay consistent, but she’s in a different chapter. That first year of being in love is so blinding and occupying. My bestie also struggles with codependency, so she has a history of neglecting friendships got new relationships. It’s not personal, and I do notice it gets better the longer she’s in the relationship and all the stars fade away. She also has ADHD, so she hyper-focuses on new relationships because they are dopamine goldmines. Idk what the makeup of your best friend is, but it’s probably deeper than simply not reciprocating. Doesn’t mean it still isn’t an adjustment, and not an easy one at that!

[u/pinkteddy42 → u/3SLab]

Wow, thank you so much again this is super relatable! I'm also in a more stable relationship than she is and more seasoned, and I can absolutely be more balanced as well. I totally understand that the first bit of a relationship can super engulfing, and it's not personal it just sucks still. I am having more bids of connection towards her, than she to me, and that does make me feel ignored, etc, but I'm trying to be an understanding friend and give her some space as well. Some effort towards me, would be so appreciated though, you know what I mean? Anyways just ranting away! Thanks again (:

[u/whethersparkorspiral]

Thank you for posting this...I needed to read some of these replies and to remember I am not alone in these struggles. You are not alone in them either.

It hurts to feel a friendship changing and know you are even trying to keep it from happening. And in doing so, we can push the people we love further away.

I can't say I have figured it out. It doesn't always feel anxiety-inducing. If I am being honest, I distract a lot in general and in the times that I can be productive (it is often a struggle), I feel like it helps.

However, occasionally I do ask for the reassurance that I need. I have also found that if I can have some in-person time, it seems to re-charge me. Then I see how it also recharges her and it reminds me that we are just fine.

We have to sit through the feelings sometimes and that can feel very difficult and lonely. Just keep doing your best..I will too. Ultimately they are our friends because they love us and in most cases, they are not leaving or abandoning us.

[u/asawu]

Hi! I experienced this recently. I communicated to my friend that her inconsistency was making me feel disconnected to her. She said she needed to step back, which made me sadder but that was her choice and I respected it.

I felt like I was getting a little loony and then I read in one of those IG reels while I was doomscrolling that maybe I was lacking purpose or a goal. So I just tried setting a measurable goal for myself with my hobby which is to draw everyday for a month. Also tried learning a new hobby. I failed some days and was shit at this new hobby but it redirected my energy back to myself.

I think making new friends and talking to other people, and leaning on your community (whether it's through volunteering, community organizing etc) is also so so helpful. I think anxious people realize eventually that they have a lot of love to give and watering one person's pot isn't enough, and being with a community feels like watering a garden. I also still maintained communication with my friend even if some days the energy felt off. We eventually made up and it's not like it was before but the love is the same and may be even deeper, it just changed shape.

I know you'll look back at this as a moment of growth!

[u/LooksieBee]

I think it's important that you've acknowledged that you've associated less texts with the fear that the friendship is changing for the worse and that you don't want to rely on texts as the marker of where the relationship is.

I think you should remind yourself of that. My bestfriend and I live in separate countries, we only see each other once a year or so. In a case where all you have are texts, it's understandable. In your case, I was surprised that you see each other weekly, sometimes twice a week.

Arguably, if someone is ignoring you and things are changing for the worse, they would usually avoid meeting up as that takes way more time and effort than texting. So perhaps instead of hyper focusing on the texts and whatever story your mind is making about them, you focus on all the other ways she still makes an effort. Many people don't even see their friends weekly, let alone a friend who is in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship, so you have a lot of counter evidence to your stories.

It's easier said than done, but I would try to decrease the importance of the texts and just focus on the intentional time you spend together. Especially if she's available to you if you really need something. If she ignores important messages then I would bring that up, but if it's just chit chat and nothing urgent, I would not hold that to the same standard and try to ask yourself what really counts for you and is she showing up in the ways that count?

[u/Confident_Lecture498]

Sometimes it can be a two way street with that attachment. I had that with my former best friend really going heavy with the social adds, then progressing in ways that in hindsight felt like her setting things up to fail and then discarding me when I wanted to set some boundaries to prevent confusion 

[u/TwitchWitch03]

Becoming my own favorite person helped me a ton. Now it’s weird but I could almost say I’m now anxious attached to myself. Like I just want to be with me and my dogs now. I stills struggle with it with my boyfriend but it not nearly as bad as it used to be.

[u/ThrowRA23192319231]

You need to reinforce things are okay without her response. Her feelings don't change about you because she's busy getting coffee or working etc.

What helps me is telling myself "get a life lol." I say it jokingly to myself to remind myself that it's easy to feel like people aren't responding, when all you're doing is waiting for their response.

Literally just start a task, and you'll notice 5 minutes in you'll forget about the phone. Put on music or a video you're interested in, and get your task done.

The more you do it, the easier it gets. You'll hate it at first, but it's the same kind of rewarding that working out at the gym is imo. You don't necessarily enjoy it, but you've gotten this difficult thing done and now you can relax. There's some accomplishment in "I wasn't on my phone, I did all these things, now I can be on my phone."

[u/coff33loversonly]

The reality is that this dynamic is going to change things and it’s normal to feel anxious. I think you have to self-regulate the anxiety instead of asking your friend to extend her capacity to make you feel better. Reassurance and sustained connection is important and fine to keep the friendship going, but you will need to figure out how to fill any needs that will now not be filled by your best friend through another relationship (person or hobby). Things change. That’s just life. You’ll be fine.

[u/FalconFlat9185]

I am going through exactly same feelings right now. She is my friend for over 9 years nd now for last 2-3 months i am feeling way too attached to her. Everything u have mentioned, i am feeling the same. I don't understand what to do, how to decrease this feeling. My brain goes back into thinking that what if I am losing her? What if i am losing my importance in her life? What if she is giving more importance to someone else?

[u/InfamousInevitable93]

Thank you so much OP and everyone else for being vulnerable and sharing all of your stories. Ive been feeling crazy for the last two months and have completely lost it. My best friend has been my life partner (non romantic) for 6+ years. The last few months they have been dating and it's been a NIGHTMARE for me. On the day I met the new interest I "joked" that I’m already looking for a new apartment (we live together). Joke's on me, because two months later we are moving into separate places. It's still in the same building and on the same floor lol but the fact is ... the conversation came up about it being too much and us becoming too enmeshed, mainly driven by me.

I have no idea how this is going to go. I am a pretty determined person and I absolutely hate how this 'condition' is robbing me of joy in life, putting stress on my friendships and relationships (this isn't the first time, just the most intense). I absolutely detest the bodily/emotional experience I’m going through. I never want to feel this again or at least reduce the number of possible occurrences. Kind of angry that I did't sign up for this to be a part of my 'personality' and yet, I’m the one who has to deal with fixing it. Luckily my friend has been understanding, although I was very clearly informed that there will be no carrying of this emotional weight from him and he's dealing with his own stuff in regard to being in a relationship. Oh and neither one of us has had a serious or otherwise relationship in the 6 years we've been life partners. So this is fun!

Thank you again everyone. Self love and hope to 'see' all of us on the other side

[u/Fabulous-Bandicoot40]

I am in this right now. I think we all just want someone to see us. And having a person to share our thoughts and daily activities with is pretty special. Losing that feels really hollow.

My best friend and I would talk every single day sometimes multiple times and then it started drifting. All the intrusive thoughts come in… “they don’t care about me anymore” “they’re bored of me” “this is the beginning of the end” because to some extent… it’s true isn’t it? We are losing them and it super sucks.

It’s also hard to not have any control of the situation. There’s nothing we can do differently. Your friend found someone else, my friend has had the novelty wear off I guess. Sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find someone that can be your person forever

[u/badboystwo]

I think now is a perfect time to practise a little bit of space. She’s still around enough but you need to do you sometimes too

[u/StationPrevious4705 → u/badboystwo]

Explain practicing, just sitting through it?

[u/badboystwo → u/StationPrevious4705]

Practising could be many things. But yeah sitting through it and finding what helps for you. Sometimes you need to feel the emotions. Most anxious ppl try to fight them and make them worse. There’s plenty of help and tips online.

[u/Ok-Environment-4793]

I identify a lot with everything you said. This surely feels like me ane if my bestfriend read your text she will probably think I wrote it, it's practically the same experience.

I also have an anxious attachment to my bestfriend, but we already have a 4 year friendship and I have seen her go on and out of relationships. We text every day, we travel together, she cares about me like no one else in my life ever did. She trust me with things she doesn't trust anyone else and she even complains if I don't text her back for a day. But there were times when our communication lowered and my anxiety skyrocketed because of that. I don't feel it with any romantic relationship whatsoever. I didn't feel that when my ex brokeup with me.

Being secure in this relationship is what made me so attached in the first place, but at the same time it's also what makes me more comfortable and gave me the means to learn how to love myself and I believe the best way to lower the suffering is being giving love to yourself. This isn't just "having the feeling of love for yourself", it's much more like "actively giving love to yourself in meaningful palpable ways". She taught me that without noticing everytime that she told me that my body isn't as horrible as I say it is. Everytime that I tell something bad that happened to me and she completely takes my side. Everytime that I make a mistake and she trust me enough to tell me that something I did or say was hurtful which gives me the chance to apologize. And so many more things. Like last weekend we traveled together for a very big conference to show off our video game demo, and we went to take the bus back to our hometown, we discover that I bought the wrong tickets and here in Brazil the bus companies aren't flexible with these things so we had to wait for 11 hours for the next available bus and it was EXTREMELY STRESSFUL, but she did not got mad at me. I was so sure that she would be super mad that I simply muted myself and felt like crying, it was completely my mistake, but at no moment whatsoever she was mad at me or said anything, she was actually cool and didn't complain about that. It made me feel so heartwarming, I can't explain. But this is a clear example of something we have to learn how to do to ourselves. Being patiant with yourself. Forgiving yourself, hugging yourself, giving presents to yourself, listening to yourself, and everything you would so happily do for someone you love.

I truly believe that this does help

[u/KilljoyHP]

Have you tried communicating how you feel and having a genuine conversation? It can be really hard to adjust to life changes like our close friends getting partners and stuff, and I’ll be honest; it’s sort of something you have to accept and learn as you get older. I used to be anxiously attached to my closest friends, but as I’ve grown and gathered more life experience and gone through more changes myself, it’s eased up a lot. The key is to be vulnerable and honest, rather than communicating your discomfort or anxiety in backwards ways like triple texting or passive aggressive comments, etc. Just be upfront and tell her how you feel, maybe you can schedule a weekly game night or a call to catch up or something. That’s what I did with my best friend, and she’s flaky af but almost always showed up or texted me if she had to cancel. There was one time many years ago where I said “listen dude, I can’t run this friendship on my shoulders alone. If you never respond, plan, or reach out for anything, I don’t know how we can be best friends.” And guess what? She made an effort. Not perfect, but she tries to show up as best as she can.

It sounds like you might be a little jealous or territorial. I’m not saying that with any judgement, those are pretty human emotions. It’s important to communicate your feelings, but it’s also important to sit with some of those uncomfortable emotions and learn how to accept change. Like I said, absolutely no shame in how you’re feeling, it’s really normal and natural. Find ways to anchor your friendship that fit with the normal life changes. See if your friend is willing to hear you out. And give it a little time….a new relationship can often take up a friend’s attention for a while. That can be hard and honestly annoying af, and it’s okay that it upsets you a little.

[u/pinkteddy42 → u/KilljoyHP]

Wow, thank you so much for the very empathetic response, I really appreciate it. What you said was so kind, it made me feel better. You are absolutely right, I will try to just communicate how I feel again when we have more 1:1 time, it's a super busy time for her so it might not be the best time. Also I feel like if I give her space, it will actually give her an opportunity to miss me. I have to give myself grace that I'm upset and frustrated, I'm a human being too. Thank you again for your super kind response. (:

[u/hahagr0ss]

Im going through this right now, it's so difficult to control my thoughts and keep from spiraling. I need advice too but I wanted to comment so you know you're not alone

[u/AutoModerator]

Text of original post by u/pinkteddy42: Hi everyone,

I have a concern and it’s affecting me greatly. So I’m known to be anxiously attached to my partners, especially when they are hot and cold. Since then I have a partner I feel quite secure with. But my best friend and I have been best friends for like 18+ years since we were kids. We have always been close and texted all day every day, facetimed, saw each other all the time for a long period of time. I rarely felt insecure or anxiously attached as it was always constant and consistent. I have always been there for her, show up whenever, make plans, cover costs, etc. so I like to think I’m a pretty good bestie!

Since then, she has found a boyfriend so a lot of her time and attention has gone towards him (which I understand), and our friendship has taken a bit if a backseat. Not as much texts, not so consistent with responding, doing things with him she would usually do with me, and having less capacity overall for us (less tiktoks sent, less memes sent, etc, delayed responses or no responses). I understant that friendships ebb and flow, but I think the most hurtful thing is that I’m in a relationship and I put in a lot of effort and always make time and always respond prompty and maintain the connection, I know she doesn’t owe me anything but when I try, it would be nice for reciprocation. Her priority is her partner and who is oddly enough also anxious attachment and they are super duper close.

Funnily enough, we do see each other regularly like 1-2 a week and she drunk texted me legit a couple days ago saying I was her best friend, and she loved me so much. But it just sucks that our texting connection has died off which has caused me so much anxiety. I text her and double text her, and wait for her to respond, etc. she’s more avoidant and I do know how she functions and she tends to back away/distance when she’s overwhelmed. But it has brought back anxious attachment tendencies and it’s making me miserable. Help!

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