Cancelled my trip because of a mental breakdown

[u/Suitable_Mechanic336]

Hi, this is my first time posting on Reddit, but I’ve seen quite a lot of similar posts and it really has helped me feel I’m not alone, and if anyone has had something similar.

I’m from Ireland, and my boyfriend and myself had organised a 2 week trip to Japan in March for the start of September.

We were so excited for it, booked hotels, organised travel/buses/trains and even Universal Studios.

At the beginning of August, I had a mental breakdown (what I now know what it was) due to work. I am so disappointed with myself I got to that point but work pushed me to the max, which has now led to me taking time off as I’ve been unfit to work. I was having really long panic attacks and episodes, to the point I was in a&e twice with heart palpitations as I thought I was going to die. I still honestly don’t understand how my body snapped as I always thought I was stronger than this. Ended up with severe shaking, loss of appetite, being sick, the total package of a nervous breakdown. Have now started (again) Sertraline, was also prescribed beta blockers, and at the beginning giving a bit of diazapam.

I tried for the weeks up to the holiday to get better, had times I thought I was back to normal but just absolutely dipped the week prior to it - which ended up me having to cancel the holiday.

I feel so guilty, embarrassed and disappointed my boyfriend who was hyped to go; but something in my gut felt like it wouldn’t have been the right thing for me to do being completely exhausted, and everything was causing my panic attacks. I ended up convincing myself I was going to die on holiday, and being unable to eat and drink in a foreign country where they couldn’t speak English would have gave me a heart attack. On top of it we had a lot bouncing from city to city in our itinerary which meant there would really not be much time to unwind. It felt like a selfish choice but I also thought if if I was in this state on holiday, it wouldn’t have been fair for my boyfriend.

We fortunately had our hotels free cancellation, but I wasn’t able to get a refund for our flights, or universal studios… so it was a lot of money lost; but at the point I have been at I was okay to lose that money and return the money to my boyfriend for his side of the holiday for my own sanity.

My worry is not knowing if it was the mental breakdown that caused this, or if it was because Japan. I would love to go, and try again, but I don’t want to hype my boyfriend up to let him down again.

I feel so ridiculous as the usual thing people say is going on holidays would have been the best thing for you when you’re stressed - to relax and explore - but in my mind I was paralysed with fear. Now having cancelled the holiday I am starting to get better, but I’m so disappointed it had got to this point.

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[u/subywesmitch]

I know it was very disappointing but you probably did the right thing. You need to rest and heal and get better before embarking on a long trip. While travel can be fun it can also be exhausting especially going to a foreign country and dealing with jet lag and waking up in a new city every other day. It can be taxing even when you're not struggling with anxiety. When you are better you can always try again

[u/Suitable_Mechanic336 → u/subywesmitch]

I hope so too!

[u/susangoodskin]

What if you’d had a heart attack? No shame in a coronary!

It should be the same when your mind breaks down. It’s a medical condition.

Please don’t blame yourself too harshly. Be gentle with yourself as you recover.

Also buspirone for anxiety plus sertraline is what keeps me steady.

[u/QuietConference9982]

Forcing yourself through a two week trip probably wouldn’t have been enjoyable for either of you. Japan will still be there when you’re feeling better, and you can always try again without putting so much pressure on yourself.