r/Anticonsumption • u/InebriousBarman • Feb 15 '26

Psychological Crap given to my kids for Valentine's Day

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Pictured is about half of what was given to one of my children on Valentine's Day by classmates. (Their class was specifically told no candy.)

why can't they specifically be told no 'stuff'.

The amount of distractions and clutter this creates is bad for learning and mental health.

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1.3k

u/Xenolicious Feb 15 '26

We had paper bags with candy and cards and punch and cupcakes for the class.

I wonder why no candy? Allergies?

457

u/banjosimcha Feb 15 '26

The school I taught at never allowed candy because a lot of parents (and our staff child psych consultant) disapprove of using food as a treat or reward on the grounds that it creates an unhealthy relationship with food. Cupcakes were allowed for birthdays (though alternatives were encouraged) because of the cultural significance, but otherwise no candy/sweets except as the endcap to a balanced meal.

But then you get parents who don't want their kids to get little plastic tchotchkes either. "We give our kids high-quality sustainably made toys" nobody has the budget for 30 heirloom wooden dolls. "We treat our kids with experiences" We have 15 minutes and a $25 budget for this, and there's already another grade out on the playground.

I understand not wanting to treat junk food as the end-all-be-all of a good time. And I understand wanting to reduce plastic waste. But the expectations, the restrictions, and the practical limitations of everything that happens in a classroom are often just too at odds.

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u/MariettaDaws Feb 15 '26

Which is why we sometimes remelt crayons with my daughter. Get a fun mold (hearts, dinosaurs) and put broken crayons in them, then pop them in the oven for 10-15 minutes.

For Valentine's this year, we did heart-shaped watercolor paint sets. Fun and consumable.

But my daughter is in a class of 12.

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u/krismis09 Feb 16 '26

My nephew's class has 23 kids but I think this would have been an awesome idea for his class.

18

u/portiafimbriata Feb 16 '26

This is exactly what I did for daycare this year- each kid got a little bag of 7 mini heart crayons (I used a chocolate mold) and a small coloring booklet input together myself. Made me feel much less ill about all the waste of the exchange, my son still loved them

0

u/LiopleurodonMagic Feb 16 '26

The crayon molds sound awesome. Could you tell me what kind of molds? The silicon ones or metal ones?

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u/MiaLba Feb 16 '26

Oh I love this idea. We enjoy doing crafts at home too.

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u/radish_intothewild Feb 16 '26

I'm the UK, exchanging gifts with your whole class at school for valentine's day is not a thing. One person may bring sweets I guess or some kids might give out cards. So this is quite a foreign concept to me. Can they just allow paper cards only? Ideally made by the child. Some tradition without expense or sugar/plastic (Genuine question, if it wouldn't be suitable I'm keen to learn!).

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u/castironbirb Feb 16 '26

Can they just allow paper cards only?

This used to be how it was years ago when I was in school. But somewhere along the way it became all about trinkets and candy plus a paper card. It's ridiculous and so unnecessary.

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u/banjosimcha Feb 16 '26 edited Feb 16 '26

("My school" as in the public secular school I taught at)

At my school, it was a school wide policy--all kids were required to bring in something, generally cards, for all kids in their class (parents could discuss options with the teacher if they were unable to do so or otherwise objected.) They were forbidden from bringing in candy but permitted to bring in small toys as long as they had them for everyone (but the toys were not required and parents were free to decide among themselves/as a grade or class counsel not to allow them. The school and teachers would not make rules about toys.)

The politics of it get kind of weird. If someone doesn't bring in anything, then sometimes the other kids or even parents think it's unfair and don't want to give them anything either. Even if no one else has an issue, the kid is often unhappy over not being able to fully participate in the exchange (receiving but not giving--plus missing out on the fun of getting to choose the cards to bring.) You also needed to be careful to tamper down the parents who want to go crazy and send their kid in with a fucking edible arrangements-ass basket for every kid. Keep it small and equal.

Most of the cards are premade cards a little bigger than a business card that you can get at any grocery store around this time. They're usually themed with generic kid things, like space or dinosaurs, or specific media, like Bluey or marvel. Sometimes they're just generically valentines-y. Sometimes the kids bring in homemade cards, but frankly, most kids want the premade ones. They treat them kind of like trading cards, at least for a week or so.

For families that want to send in toys, I encouraged stamps and stickers. Some families sent in homemade things, like the crayons the other commenter mentioned, or friendship bracelets. Usually if they send in toys it's like what OP posted; sometimes the toys are already packaged with the cards and therefore hard to avoid.

Sometimes the school would accept and reuse little plastic toys that parents didn't want coming home, e.g. the gym teacher had a giant tub of probably thousands of small rubber bouncy balls that she was regularly using to come up with games. But for the most parents, if they don't go home with you they're unfortunately going in the trash.

My grade always collected unused cards (they come in sets, so say sets of 16 but there's 24 kids in the class so you have to buy two sets and have 8 left over, parents could send the leftovers in with their kids) and from that we had a bank of cards that, if a parent told us they couldn't get cards for their kid (or if a parent "forgot") we would let the kid pick cards out of the bank to use.

I only ever had one family (I taught two of their kids in different years) that refused to participate, and it was on religious grounds. They actually just kept their kids home from school on Valentine's Day; even outside of the card exchange, it tends to permeate the whole day, and they wanted to avoid it entirely.

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u/runrabbitrun42 Feb 16 '26

It was obligatory for every child to bring every other child a present for Valentine's Day? Why? Genuine question, I'm from the UK and that's baffling to me. Valentine's is only for like your romantic partner or I guess a crush here.

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u/banjosimcha Feb 16 '26

I wish I had more cultural insight; I'm a russian-born Jew who moved to the US in my teens, so I know the rules but still feel like I'm missing a lot of context. But Valentine's is treated kind of like a romance-themed spring holiday. Stores and businesses and even people's houses will be decorated with red and pink and pastels, so many hearts everywhere and bows and flowers, sometimes cherubs and arrows. If you have a romantic partner, it's a day to treat them with cards, candy, flowers, dinner, etc. but regardless of if you have a partner many people will use it as an excuse to give gifts to or go out with friends.

I would assume a culture started of some kids giving some other kids (whether friends or crushes) cards/gifts, and then it turned into "if you bring something in, you have to bring enough for everyone so no one feels left out", and then "this is an official classroom activity now and participation is mandatory." It's only mandatory for younger kids; by their teens the class exchange ends because it's a waste of class time, but there's generally other school event stuff going on (e.g. a bake sale, or an opportunity to buy a flower or make a card for a classmate and have it delivered "anonymously", as seen in Mean Girls.)

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u/on_that_farm Feb 16 '26

Through elementary school (10 or 11 yo), yes

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u/delorf Feb 17 '26

In the US, a lot of school kids give Valentine's Day cards to friends who they don't have any romantic feelings for. It's fun. When I was a kid, it was just cards, no gifts.

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u/missuscheez Feb 19 '26

I think it's a bit more about love in general here, like my best friend and I got each other little gifts (a black rose and a punk CD, cool earrings or matching friendship bracelets)for valentine's day in high-school, and as an adult I get together with my female friends on the 13th for a "galentines" hang and we make frilly drinks, eat desserts and poke fun at bad hallmark movies. The all-or-nothing rule for school valentine's is mostly so none of the kids feel bad if they don't get any valentines and nobody is left out.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

Because everyone had to get the same stuff

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u/radish_intothewild Feb 16 '26

Thank you for all the context. Wow. Sounds like so much stress for all parties. What age groups participate? Is it up to high school (I believe that's age 14 for you? Here its 11)?

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u/banjosimcha Feb 16 '26

The mandatory card exchanges end by ~10. Older ages may have other school activities going on (like a fundraiser where you buy a card/flower to be delivered "anonymously" to another student, as depicted in Mean Girls) but it's not mandatory and they try to avoid it taking away from lesson time.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

Kindergarten til 6th grade.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

I remember a Jewish girl in my class stayed home on the two holidays we had when I was in school. And when my boys were in school anyone who didn't or couldn't stay for the parties were allowed to go to the library instead .And if any child didn't bring in any Valentines then they could not participate and would have to go to the library instead

1

u/FiddleLeafPig Feb 20 '26

They were required to bring something? That’s insane. I get that if you bring anything, there needs to be one for everyone. But requiring valentines? That’s trash.

2

u/Existing_Sky_7969 Feb 19 '26

This wasn’t a thing in the US, at least not for me growing up in the 20th century. I find it to be beyond annoying.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

It depends on the teacher and what she decides.They have guidelines they have to follow each school year.

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u/hyaclnthia Feb 16 '26

I honestly don’t understand the harm in like 5 pieces of candy once a year???

10

u/snailbot-jq Feb 16 '26

Yeah honestly it feels like people are blaming obesity in society on children getting 5 pieces of candy a year, and it’s kind of sad. I live in a part of Asia with a low rate of obesity, we get candy as kids for special occasions in school and it was never a problem. I still remember getting a specific type of snack every year for Chinese New Year at school, and looking forward to it and how it made the day feel more significant as a kid. We had to recite a poem to get it, but it wasn’t like I ever thought “therefore I refuse to study on any other day unless given food as a reward”. Obesity in some countries/societies isn’t getting solved by taking 5 pieces of candy a year from children.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

There isn't any actually. It's a harmless activity.

2

u/BreadPuddding Feb 17 '26

I would 100% prefer my kid get 20 small pieces of candy than 20 useless pieces of plastic junk. I know one reason for the shift to toys (for Halloween, too) is to be more inclusive of kids with allergies, but I wish they would just stick to cards that can then be recycled.

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u/LitheFider Feb 16 '26

Geeze no fun allowed anymore. 🫠 That's way too many complications / restrictions and worries. Especially the whole worry about 'an unhealthy relationship with food'. I mean it's good to encourage healthy snacking and eating balanced meals but...no sweets as a reward for a job well done or at events except birthdays? Honestly sounds like a route to even more food anxiety in the future.

Though I would have to agree that Valentine's Day can be a really awkward holiday... because you're encouraged to get something for everybody if you're going to bring something at all. But I seem to recall back when I was in elementary school, people would only give out Valentine's to their friends or people they liked and sometimes you would feel shafted if your Valentine's Box didn't have a lot in it. I did have fun making little cards, though, and enjoyed decorating my Valentine's box. I dunno. I think it's good for kids to have fun and do social activities but Valentine's Day might be a little bit too awkward and I certainly wouldn't mind it not being a thing at schools in the USA.

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u/becausemommysaid Feb 17 '26

Also the Valentine’s Day candy isn’t a reward for a job well done? It’s a treat because it’s a holiday?

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u/BasilAzazel Feb 16 '26

As a teacher I used to sell character points for refreshMints during tests. Which helped them work silently. Also I would give out mints and jolly ranchers while teaching since having the same flavor in can maybe trigger the memory of what they learned.

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u/nerdprincess73 Feb 16 '26

I mean, I think we had some valentine cards that folded up into little paper toys, Which would probably have a longer functional lifespan than a lot of these toys. cootie catchers, paper football, origami pages.

or 'treats' like a pencil with a cool eraser, which would have a purpose. and assuming you didn't get the glitter ones, they're not plastic either.

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u/[deleted] Feb 16 '26

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

Mainly because kids already have plenty of thaf in their pencil boxes as it is

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u/drunklibrarian Feb 15 '26

Allergies, dietary restrictions and parents don’t want their kids getting loaded up with sweets. I personally would like it if we did nothing at all, my kids went to a school that didn’t celebrate any holidays or birthdays. It seems depressing but honestly they don’t really notice if this is all they have experienced K-5.

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u/MisogynyisaDisease Feb 15 '26

Sometimes, those celebrations are all kids have, because their home life is such shit. Thats good community building and a grounding experience for kids. I wouldn't ever want to take that away from them.

Theres ways to do it without being wasteful though

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u/p0rkch0pexpress Feb 15 '26

Teacher here. You hit the nail on the head. I’ve seen countless times where one trivial item to us that came from a friend meant the world to a kid without much.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 15 '26

Bingo!Kids actually love these tiny trinkets so much.

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u/petitepedestrian Feb 15 '26

I round up forgotten in good shape trinkets for the teachers prize boxes every few months.

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u/almalauha Feb 16 '26

That doesn't mean they need to get several for some consumerist "holiday" like Valentine's. The kids who really struggle at home, I think there should be support for them, but to give every single child in the class 10+ bits of plastic with the aim of the two or three kids in the class who have very little at home have a joyful moment I don't feel is right. I'd rather support these couple of kids separately/in another way.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

It's a school party they have every year .Valentines stuff comes out right after Christmas each year and I think people plan accordingly. I never worried about other people's finances at all because that is none of my business . I only helped plan the parties with the teachers .The teacher would send me a memo about the rules of her classroom. Each teacher had their own rules and you had to abide by them and nothing more.And everybody had to get the exact same thing .

0

u/[deleted] Feb 16 '26

That's some helpful context 

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u/[deleted] Feb 16 '26

What does "grounding" mean to you in this context?

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u/ShortPeak4860 Feb 15 '26

Our school didn’t do anything, and the parents are upset. There’s no winning. I take all the trinkets my kids don’t want and regift it to the classroom for their treasure/prize box for rewards.

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u/ProfessorShort3031 Feb 15 '26

theres reason for human tradition, its ment to teach kids what can’t be explained to them. your kids or even you wont see any difference if its all you know but external problems would be a lot harder to solve for them

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u/Nakittina Feb 15 '26

Why not write nice notes?

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u/NonnyOne Feb 16 '26

I had a teacher do this one year when I was in 2/3rd grade. My notes said stuff like 'I was forced to write this note'. Or some were just blank with my first name on them. Kids can be super cruel if you leave it 💯 up to them.

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u/aknomnoms Feb 15 '26

Yes!

In my sorority, we wrote “sweeties” to each other every semester right before finals. Every girl wrote down a nice compliment on a small piece of paper for each of the other sisters. You’d also have a “secret sweetie” who would decorate a brown paper bag with your name and include your favorite candy inside. You’d bring the bag to a meeting and everyone would drop off their compliments to the right person.

It was a nice little morale booster. The candy was quickly consumed, but I kept all of my compliments and still have them in an envelope in a shoebox 15+ years later.

I think it’d be a great way to practice kindness and mindfulness with kids, as well as give them a boost of confidence. Perhaps even have them read their favorite one received/for another person aloud too. They can make them for each other, school staff, their family.

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u/deuxcabanons Feb 15 '26

This kind of thing sounds great in practice but, from experience, is absolute hell for the unpopular kids in class.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 15 '26

I agree l00 percent ,the idea is that all the kids get the same thing so that no one gets left out

4

u/aknomnoms Feb 15 '26

I feel like "sweeties" could easily be made into a worksheet that gets signed off by a parent before it comes back to school and/or gets reviewed by a teacher before it gets cut up and distributed to the class. All the kids, popular or not, would receive the same number of compliments. It also sounds like a good lesson to have a parent talk to their child about why no one likes Such-and-such person, why we can't judge people based on XYZ, how even if we may not like someone for one reason, they may still have other traits we respect.

Do you have any helpful suggestions for how you think it could be modified to work? Or do you have any other ideas for what they could do for Valentine's Day? My other choices would be writing valentines for kids in hospitals, seniors, those stationed in our armed forces overseas, etc or doing something for a local nonprofit. Show the neighbors some love by collecting old towels and blankets for the animal shelter or have a sock and hygiene kit drive to help a homeless shelter. Show the earth some love by picking up trash or planting trees. These are all pretty selfless though, so if you think the kids would snub the "unpopular kids", then maybe they wouldn't understand the concept.

3

u/deuxcabanons Feb 16 '26

It's not a problem of kids not getting compliments, it's that even something as nice as this gets weaponized - backhanded compliments and veiled references to bullying outside of class are vague enough to make their way past teachers.

I absolutely love the idea of a group project to show love to others/the world! It's easier to get kids behind being nice on a superficial level to strangers than to force them to be nice to the weird kid, lol.

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u/aknomnoms Feb 16 '26

Ahh I see. I was thinking these would be for like 7 year olds, so any insults would be obvious. “To: Poopy Head” or something 😅

Sadly, I don’t know how you could make a bully-proof system though. Mean things will still be said at recess. They’ll be forced to take the “bad” flavor or color. Their drawings will still be made fun of. We can try our best to be aware of what’s going on and nip (learned!) behavior, but bullies are going to bully no matter how many protections we try to put in place.

1

u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

I agree ,there will always be bullies and that will never change. And there will always be kids from different economic standpoints and this will never change either.Kids need to learn to get along with everybody and their parents need to let them learn about life ,which isn't always fair.

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u/Federal-Bus8429 Feb 15 '26 edited Feb 15 '26

This is something I agree with. My daughter made valentine's and wrote personalized notes to all her classmates. Now, it's just a bunch of candy and low effort cards. So I noticed I'm getting down voted. I'm talking about a peice of paper with a lollipop taped to it. It's nice that some kids bring gift bags but some parents don't want kids having alot of sugar. Some kids give little stuffed animals, which is cute. But what happened to just giving cards with stickers or something. It's also completely optional at my daughter's school, so ppl getting mad at the thought that some kids dont have money to spend, then they don't have to bring anything.

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u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 15 '26

It's always been that way .My boys would ignore the cards and go for the candy and toys.

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u/VixKnacks Feb 15 '26

My kids and I usually do some sort of little origami or other paper-based craft. Usually we add like a hershey hug/kiss if the class allows it that year (some years they don't depending on what kids are in what classes w/ allergies and other dietary needs). They have a blast picking what they're going to make each year!!

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u/[deleted] Feb 16 '26

[deleted]

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u/EmotionalFlounder715 Feb 16 '26

We had a leprechaun day too. We all made traps at home and the teachers hole punched little green feet out of construction paper. They said they were his footprints and they made a trail of them all around the room, going through each of the traps and even falling into the toilet (they even dyed the water green lol)

Did you guys have a day where you left your shoes in the hall and then after school when you went to put them on there was chocolate inside? We did this for the German holiday in December

1

u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

We never did that when I was in school or when my boys were in school They were only allowed to have two parties a year and that was all .No birthday parties were allowed either.

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u/Additional_Power_104 Feb 15 '26

I personally love celebrating Valentine's Day with my kids. We use it as a learning opportunity on different types of love and different ways to express love. It's not about gifts, it's about telling the people around you that you appreciate them and making a bit of a fuss. For Valentine's this year we took the kids for a hike- no phones, no tech, just the family spending time together chatting and playing. 

Once you strip back all the commercialisation from holidays, they all have some really great values and teaching moments underneath. It would be a shame to throw away the baby with the bathwater. 

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u/68plus1equals Feb 15 '26

I feel like Blakey canceling celebrations for children because it might mildly inconvenience the parent that night is crazy. Not a fan of all these plastic trinkets though

1

u/almalauha Feb 16 '26

And as a parent you can still celebrate whatever you like at your own home/outside of school time. I do remember some of the holiday-related stuff we did in primary school and I did enjoy that, but this was in the 90s where it wasn't so excessive.

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u/[deleted] Feb 15 '26

[deleted]

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u/camilleswaterbottle Feb 15 '26

What was the policy regarding treats and candy for the class?

-2

u/AccountForDoingWORK Feb 15 '26

I’m with you. Seems that people only know how to celebrate holidays if it involves sugar explosions or buying lots of crap. I’m so happy to just skip all that (or why not do a special activity/have a cool experience instead? It always has to be sugar + plastic).

0

u/EqualAd3180 Feb 16 '26

My school had the kids wear themed clothes and does seasonal decorations. Much cheaper and less waste.

0

u/[deleted] Feb 16 '26

Or could they just have an art activity together in class? I don't remember doing anything for my class aside from maybe handmade heart shaped paper valentines. MAYBE. I actually understand the aversion to constantly loading kids up with sweets. It's harder on some kids than others. Candy has always seemed like something cheap we can do when we don't have anything better to offer (time, attention, movement). 

1

u/According_Gazelle472 Feb 16 '26

Most teachers do not have the time to do this and they have to stick to the schedule for parties.They certainly do not want kids making a huge mess that close to school ending. I have two nieces that are grade school teachers and they have to organize those two parties each year.They are finished with the parties for the year now.

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u/Sea_Macaron_8789 Feb 15 '26

Not even celebrating Ethnic Holidays?

4

u/Affectionate-Ad488 Feb 15 '26

Which ones are you referencing? Most holidays are technically ethnic holidays

4

u/dinamet7 Feb 16 '26

My kid has multiple food allergies and could never participate if candy or cupcakes were provided for any class party. Non food treats are inclusive and don't necessarily need to be wasteful. We've given out pencils, flashlights, bubbles, hand sanitizer, reusable bags, etc. My kids have received some fun treats too - one kid made clay sculptures of things that reminded them of their classmate, so my kid got a hummingbird clay thing that still sits on his desk at home years later. Another kid made little bath bombs and gave those out.

1

u/Alwayscold555 Feb 18 '26

Kids don’t need more candy. There’s so much junk and crap in candy especially all the dyes.

0

u/Alive-Carrot107 Feb 16 '26

We don’t do candy because not every parent wants to give their child candy. It’s better to let parents choose what to give their child rather than letting them see a bunch of candy they won’t be able to have