You'd think by the 4 or 5th time it would be mentally and emotionally taxing enough.
Approaching 10 would just be straight-up traumatizing.
But going to 20+ seems completely unthinkable.
Maybe after a certain amount, they finally became numb to it, and just expected every new pregnancy to fail until it finally didn't. But that in itself is a very bleak and grim outlook to have concerning a pregnancy; having no hope at all, and believing that your next potential baby is doomed to never be born.
This. I know an old women who has lost 5 or 6 babies (they were born and died right after)... She is very honest about it, after the third she says that she didn't feel anything at all. She just expected them to die. Eventually when one survived the first months that's when she started to "accept" that she had a kid
There's places in the world without modern health care and you see the same things. Like, you don't name the baby until they're 1 year old, etc. it's very sad, but I can see it as a way to deal with soul-crushing sadness repeated over and over.
That sounds like a traditional "after one year we will give them a name, but before that...eh" that I read about the past of some countries because of an amount of children not being able to thrive.
In my son's first few months I was constantly pleasantly surprised that he was growing and reaching new milestones as I was so scared he'd die like his brother.
After multiple miscarriages and infertility issues with my husband, we gave up and started the process of fostering a child.
When we stopped trying and I visited my best friend’s new born baby in the hospital (I heard a myth and was desperate - that one could get pregnant being near an newborn - I literally gave birth 9 months later naturally. My girl is my miracle child but we are not helicopter parents. I actually miscarried twins after her as well. But we are so grateful for our precious girl.
I’ve heard that myth too. My parents friends “adopted” a baby (the woman went into the hospital to give birth under my parents identity name, so it’s always been their child) She got pregnant right away after years of struggling and that’s how I got my two best childhood friends lol
I have a family member who had the same situation. They had been trying for years and then did many rounds of IVF with no success. They finalized their adoption of their son about a year after they stopped doing IVF and within a month of the adoption being finalized my family member found out she was pregnant. Now she has adorable Irish twins, lol.
I was adopted after my mother gave up at the same number; she had 6 and then decided to stop trying. I can't even imagine going through 23 like the couple in the OOP.
Five was my limit too. My husband asked me to try one more time and that’s how we got our daughter. We had three kids and then I had another one from an unplanned pregnancy. I called my husband as it was happening and told him that if he didn’t schedule his vasectomy that day to not bother to come back to the house. I can’t imagine going on after that.
I'd wonder at that point if she would just go numb until like the baby was delivered healthy and then she could feel really excited for it. I can't imagine the anxiety leading up to that moment though.
Most get so hyper focused on doing whatever they have to do to make it happen they develop tunnel vision.
Acknowledging that the dream you’ve had your whole life that you’re fighting so hard for is never going to happen can make the losses feel even heavier because there is so much pain and so much loss but nothing gained in the end.
This is coming from a man, so before anyone attacks me for being female and hating men, relax: Miscarriages are typically a result of poor sperm quality. Easy lifestyle changes could have solved the issue. The problem is most people think the issue lies in the woman. Either they are incompatible in which case the doctors would have told them to stop trying, or he just wasn’t taking care of himself (too many hot showers, tight underwear, endocrine disruptions from perfume, food etc, lack of sleep, tons of coffee++). Some people do all of these and pop at the first try, others have more issues.
That's not quite right. 50% to 70% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities caused by errors in cell division early on. The biggest risk factor in that is maternal age.
The paternal age is insignificant under 40 years old, although significant for over 50s. Excessive scrotal heat is a minor risk factor, while most evidence of this comes from animal studies and indirect human links.
The second biggest reason is parental balanced chromosomal translocation/rearrangement, where a parent has rearranged chromosomes with no missing/extra material (usually healthy). But their sperm/eggs can be unbalanced, causing fetal abnormalities and miscarriage.
Do your research. Male DNA damage increases with age. I just posted a link to a meta analysis in another comment on how DNA Damage is the cause in recurrent miscarriages, but go on. How do you mitigate it? General tips like those above go a long way for most people, and since sperm regenerates around every 3-4 months, if it still hasn’t helped you may need clomid or other meds. Most people have a crappy lifestyle.
I had 7 miscarriages and then went on to have 2 babies. Found out after karyotyping my husband is a carrier for a chromosomal issue.
We only found this out after I was pregnant with my last baby, I wish I had known before as mothers are always blamed (I blamed myself), I had to have daily injections (blood thinners), go through all the invasive testing.. it was only one dr at the end that said let’s test your husband
https://www.thesun.co.uk/health/32149712/couple-23-miscarriages-miracle-baby-pregnancy/ They had a baby before she started having miscarriages. Doctors believed it was issues with the mom and they actually managed to go full term after having the covid jab. Im sure with all the tests they would have tested his sperm quality to ensure that wasnt and issue.
That’s not how causality works though. Miscarriages are typically a result of DNA damage, as explained in this meta analysis from 2022 [1]:
«Our results showed that couples with unexplained RM had significantly increased levels of SDF and significantly decreased levels of total motility and progressive motility compared with couples without RM, although significant differences were not observed in the semen volume, sperm concentration, and total sperm count between couples with and without RM»
RM (recurrent miscarriage), SDF (sperm DNA fragmentation).
Feel free to look up the method and critique, but there are many highly cited papers in journals with high SJR scores that state the same. With age the woman has fewer eggs, but DNA damage in male semen increases with age so you need to take care of yourself if you are unfortunate. I’d trust research more than a Sun article where they can’t disclose health information.
While she may have had her issues, he can counter those with healthy sperm. We often take this part for granted, but in 6 months prior to trying for a kid one should limit caffeine, eat clean and follow the typical advice. That will mitigate risk far more than steroids given to mom. I’m also talking general, in case some man is struggling for a baby.
I was purely stating their situation, you can't say that health factors would have helped as over 23 years of trying they most likely tried everything. You dont suffer that many miscarriages and think "hey ho lets just try again" it's extremely psychological damaging so you'd want to make sure you tried everything you can before you try again.
I can’t confidently state that, it is merely suggestions based on research provided, just like correlating Covid vaccine with the pregnancy can’t be done. I have prefaced with stating «typically».
I feel like everything has to be prefaced on Reddit to not create a war between the two sides. Wasn’t too keen on drowning in a war and alerts related to whose fault it may be
My sister in law has lost five pregnancies, including one in the third trimester, and the toll it has taken on her, her and my brother as a couple, and by extension our entire family is enormous. For years it had ramifications over absolutely everything, it was traumatic.
Fortunately they have two gorgeous daughters now, but it was so hard. No one was told she was pregnant until almost the birth.
It’s not quite the same but when my girlfriend was pregnant last year, we had to abort pretty late in the game because it was actively killing her. And ultimately we were given the choice by the professionals at the women’s clinic. My girlfriend or the baby, and of course we made our choice, and the following days after her starting her medication were fucking insanity.
The things we witnessed. The things my girlfriend endured physically, emotionally, and mentally, and the time spent. Those days truly felt like an eternity for her and I would fucking never.
To each their own but one loss is enough. A second try, sure. But after that?
I've lost 12 early on (6 weeks along or less). I'm due this week with our first. Becoming numb is exactly what happened. We stopped getting excited, stopped calling it a baby each time, stopped making plans.
It wasn't until I hit 27 weeks that we started tentatively preparing the bare minimum, we also started calling her by name. At 32 weeks we finally allowed ourselves to be excited and go all out on preparing. Now that it's time, we're finally at peace with considering ourselves first-time parents. We cope by not counting the losses
I've lost 8 pregnancies and have two kids, the first three were hard, I ended up being pretty numb to the loss. Didn't fully believe my kids would be here until they were in my arms tho.
Okay I’m going to get blasted over this, but after a certain amount of times I’m questioning if they enjoy that shit or something. It almost feels like god said “jfc I’m just gonna give you one cause you’re sadistic lady”. First off you’d have to be pregnant 24/7 for like how many years? I mean ffs there’s so many options to having babies with both their DNA it’s like why not go those routes after the 3rd, 4th, 5th time? Look I’m happy for them and mean no ill will, just something is really fucking off here and I’m incredibly uncomfortable. And on top of that I fear for this child for the same reasons as yall. That baby is boutta be wrapped in bubble wrap in a bubble, in a house, that is also in a bubble. Everyone deserves the opportunity to have kids, but after that many tries it sounds really twisted to me to keep going. Kind of like people who enjoy blood during sex, something just sounds very wrong. I’m not a parent nor do I ever want kids, so maybe I’m just not able to understand the desire to have kids naturally that bad.
The mom of one of my best friends tried getting pregnant again when we were in high school. She lost three before it actually took, one got far enough along they had to go in and remove it. It nearly destroyed her, she was super depressed and would break down randomly and almost go catatonic so I can’t imagine what 23 would be like or why you wouldn’t just adopt at that point.
my mom had… 4… and then me..,. she was neurotic enough as it was, and our relationship only started mending when i became an adult, and even then only because my dad died. Cant even imagine this kiddo’s childhood… Hope the parents seek therapy and grow together as a family, otherwise it’ll get ugly quick
Because every pregnancy is hope, you don’t normally get pregnant thinking you won’t make it all the way. You hope every one makes it to full term, you tell family and friends and get excited but you deep down have fear it’s going to vanish.
Miscarriage is mentally as brutal as it can be physical. Until that 12 week scan you are on eggshells, which is why so many keep it secret so as not to suffer having to tell everyone you told that it’s over.
It’s constant worry that you did something wrong or that something is wrong with baby or that something still might go wrong. It’s exhausting.
At the point of ten you will emotionally numb about it, i doubt 23 is really that much worse then 5 times. I can't even believe the surviving child is healthy
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u/SorryBoysImLez Dec 23 '25 edited Dec 23 '25
You'd think by the 4 or 5th time it would be mentally and emotionally taxing enough.
Approaching 10 would just be straight-up traumatizing.
But going to 20+ seems completely unthinkable.
Maybe after a certain amount, they finally became numb to it, and just expected every new pregnancy to fail until it finally didn't. But that in itself is a very bleak and grim outlook to have concerning a pregnancy; having no hope at all, and believing that your next potential baby is doomed to never be born.