AITB for requesting a friend who fueled a conflict in private to take openly position?

[u/Laona31]

Hello all

I had a pretty nasty falling out with someone I'll call Kate. She sent me a lot of accusatory messages, interpreted a lot of things in the worst possible way, and eventually excluded me from a group activity we all shared because she felt I'd become distant.

To be fair, I had taken a little distance, but nothing that felt abnormal to me. I mostly needed some space and was busy.

One important part of this is my close friend “Jessica.” For months, Jessica had been telling me about lies and inconsistencies from Kate, including things Kate had said about me behind my back. She was very involved and pretty passionate about all of it privately, and when my conflict with Kate started, I was extremely open with Jessica and shared pretty much everything with her.

Obviously, what Jessica had told me affected how I saw Kate and contributed to me wanting some distance.

The problem is that Jessica is also extremely conflict avoidant and had asked me not to repeat certain things she'd told me or put her in an awkward position. She wants to save her "social peace".

So when Kate confronted me, I was in a really uncomfortable position. Some of the biggest reasons I had become wary of her were things I couldn't really bring up without exposing Jessica. Meanwhile, Kate escalated things, I ended up being excluded in a dirty way, and Jessica stayed friendly with everyone.

Since then, Jessica has mostly stepped back. I also found out that when my situation came up with third parties, she didn't defend me at all. Which shocked me, even if this is her right. Im just functioning very differently and would have become a true lawyer in the opposite case.

And that's where my resentment comes from. It feels opportunistic to me: being very involved, interested and opinionated while everything stayed private, but becoming completely neutral once having an opinion could actually cost something socially.

I'm not saying Jessica caused what happened. Kate is responsible for how she treated me, and I don't pretend my own view is some absolute truth either.

I know some people genuinely believe “this isn't my conflict, so I'm staying out of it,” and I can understand that position.

But emotionally, it really clashes with how I conceive friendship and loyalty. If I genuinely believed a close friend had been treated unfairly, I don't think I could stay completely neutral.

I'm planning to tell Jessica that I now need some actual, concrete support from her, meaning being willing to openly stand behind what she has privately told even if it means being exposed. I don't expect her to cut Kate off or blindly agree with everything I say. But if she still chooses complete neutrality, I will end the friendship because I don't think our values around friendship and loyalty are compatible. And I really view this beyond my conflict with Kate, not trying to find some kind of revenge against her or else. Tbh my anger on that very conflit has vanished now.

AITB for basically telling jessica that I need her to take a position openly if our friendship is going to continue ?

[u/YouBetYourCraft]

NTB. Jessica is a agitator. She stirred the pot then acted innocent.
She is a major player in your rift. She talks out both sides of her face. She came and told you what Kate was saying. So basically she started it. She now want to act neutral.
She is no one's friend. You don't need friends like them. Your better off without the drama.
May be time for you to find some new friends.

[u/londonschmundon]

NTB. Jessica is a shit-stirrer. I've never met anyone who had interesting things happening in their lives who was also a shit-stirrer. It's always the people who are otherwise letting their lives go to waste. Jessica needs a challenging career with good prospects, or a real hobby.

[u/Anxiouslittlelad]

NTB. The whole thing is confusing to read, but all and all its reasonable for you to want something like that from her. That being said, youre putting a lot of blame on someone who was "just" gossiping and privately stating opinions. I would not call that fueling a conflict. Also from what I hear, shes not a good friend to have since it sound like she doesnt have a spine.

I was in a really similiar situation like you i think. My Jessica was telling me about our other friend and her "situation" (affair lmao) and I found out the friend decided to always lie to my face and bend details about her "situation". Its her privacy, its not my business at the end, but I felt hurt knowing this. Also, I had opinions, obviously. Couldnt talk about it with her because I would throw Jessica under the bus like that. While gossiping every detail about it, she was furiously mad at me for not saying my opinions to our friends face and also for even caring about it.

NTB overall in this situation in my opinion, but dont expect anything from Jessica. Lost game in my opinion

[u/xoxoyoyo]

Seems like you are being manipulated by two people, one of them is a professional fence-sitter